MILLION DOLLAR LISTING NY Recap: A** is spelled the same in every language

Happy Spring, Gasmii! You know what that means, right? It’s time for birds to chirp, sap to rise, and Mr. S-Natch to get an extra order of vim and vigor from a certain Canadian mail order catalogue.

WOO WOO!

It’s also time for our newest episode of let’s watch Fredrik school jackasses and trust fund babies Million Dollar Listing, New York. This one is entitled Ass Hard Hats and Hard Heads. Hmmm. Maybe this guy’ll show up!

A GIRL CAN DREAM, CAN’T SHE?

We open with everyone’s favorite douche bag real estate agent, Ryan. Ryan’s boss, Eddie, walks in and comments that he sees a lot of paper on Ryan’s desk. He asks him if it is real work or if Ryan is just pretending –aaannd the snake girl/hoarder/S-Natch tequila party just got another member.

Eddie tells Ryan that Maurice Mann, a big shot Manhattan developer, is interviewing brokers for a new project in Gramercy Park, and Eddie, who apparently does not give a shit whether his firm gets the job or not, has decided to sent Ryan to the interview. After determining that Maurice is not French, Ryan agrees.

EDDIE EXPRESSES HIS UTMOST CONFIDENCE IN RYAN AS HE SILENTLY CURSES HIS OWN IMPETUOUS WAYS.

Fredrik is rubbing himself all over and interviewing that looking good is showing respect to the seller and the property. He says if an agent can’t dress well and can’t smell good then what is he?

OH, I DUNNO.  THIS GUY??

Fredrik gets a call from Zach, a developer with a new project on Washington and Canal. Fredrik is so excited about this opportunity that he forgets one “step” in his dress to impress strategy.

OOO – I SEE EMBARRASSMENT AFOOT! (I’m here all week, folks!)

We see a repeat of Alexa telling Michael that her client wants to buy the entire glass building on Park for $30 million. Michael immediately calls the offer in. He comes back and tells Alexa that two of the five apartments are under contract. Once, again, we have an

EPIC. FAIL.

Michael is worried about telling Daddy he blew it again. To be fair, this really wasn’t his fault, but he VO’s that he is worried nonetheless.

Fredrik arrives at Zack’s development. The project is 12 apartments, 32,000 square feet, with park views. Fredrik asks about the glass in the building and recognizes the brand as a German company. Zack tells him that he is jumping the gun by assuming he is going to be the broker on the project, to which Fredrik immediately replies as if Zack just asked him if the sky is blue, “Who else is going to do this?” You gotta love Freddi’s confidence and expertise, Gasmii! And skillz. Don’t forget the skillz.

Zack asks him how long it will take to get the units sold. Fredrik tells him four months, even though the building won’t be done for six months. Fredrik explains that developers want to sell units before they are finished in order to minimize risk, pay off mortgages, and move on to the next project. Fredrik tells him in no uncertain terms what he wants as far as support staff and others he intends to hire to sell the apartments. Zack tells him that they are only going to pay half commission – 2 ½% instead of 6%. I hope Zack builds apartments better than he does math.

FREDDI NO HAPPY

Fredrik does some lightening math and figures that 2 ½% is still $1,250,000 dollars in commission.

FREDDI HAPPY

Ryan is at the Gramercy Park site. Ryan interviews that Gramercy Park is the only private park in the city and when you buy property there you are deeded a key to the park gates. This development is former rental apartments now being converted into condos.

Ryan meets with Maurice. Maurice owns the building and as an apartment is vacated he converts it into a condo. Ryan says that people are literally waiting for people to die in order to move in.

Ryan takes a tour of this unit.

Maurice says that he wants to be fair about the price, but Ryan argues that the apartment should be treated like he treats every woman he meets and used to wring every possible penny out of some hapless buyer, thereby jacking up his commission. Maurice disagrees. Good strategy, Ryan, arguing with the guy who is interviewing you for a job.

Maurice asks Ryan why he should hire him. Maurice tells him that “one gal [that he interviewed] is awfully pretty.” Ryan, sensing a kindred spirit, offers him a blowjob and a six-pack of PBR asks him if he thinks he is pretty. Ryan says he can offer INTERNATIONAL CLIENTS.

JUST PARLEZ-VOUS WITH THESE GUYS

Bwahahah! I can’t believe he said that with a straight face. Of course, I shouldn’t be so cynical. Ryan has only alienated the entire population of France – and French speaking countries – so he does have most of Europe and all of Asia left.

Maurice asks him how much the apartment should go for. Ryan tells him $5 million – $2,300 per square foot. Maurice tells him that price is a little aggressive, but it allows for some wiggle room. Maurice wants to be on TV hires him.

Fredrik is working out. He says that he wakes up at 5 AM every morning and is in the gym by 5:30. He writes hundreds of emails between sets. He goes on to say that he tries to take a few minutes out of each day to slow down. Fredrik is talking to his “visual designer”

WHO DOES A MIGHTY GOOD JOB, MIGHT I ADD

Fredrik is frustrated because he has his marketing team ready but they are not moving fast enough. He then tries to drown himself in the hot tub.

Michael is meeting with his meal ticket father, Howard, to tell him how he has blown every deal he has been a part of. Michael stammers that he hasn’t gotten deals done. Howard stops him and tells him not to focus on what he didn’t do, but what he did. As in he DID wait until he took a weekend vacay before calling in an offer, thereby losing the sale?  J’adore the power of positive thinking!

Dad tells him that there are times when he will work very hard and make zero, or times when he hardly works and has a lot of money. The last part being the story of Michael’s life.

Daddy tells Michael to make up for his lack of charm by dazzling buyers with facts about architecture.

Ryan is meeting with marketer, Carol, and his assistant, Dina, in order to bitch like a spoiled child go over the marketing materials for Gramercy Park. When Carol tries to speak, he chides her for “talking over” him. Ryan starts throwing pictures around and tells her to make one image for the property. He also says he wants to have a open house, and Carol disagrees. She says that an open house makes the property less exclusive, and that a person looking at the place should have an individual, special experience. Ryan suggests a “by invitation only” open house.

Michael is having a private showing at the Park Avenue glass house. He is practicing his spiel with his driver and asks him if he has ever heard of Namibian marble. The driver says sure, and Michael says he has never heard of it, nor of the country, before now. Driver says his wife works for the United Nations, so he is very familiar with it. Shocking – another competency to strike off of Mikey’s list.

Michael meets with Lauren, and is feeling very prepared with trivia “knowledge” about the property. He rambles on about lacquer, jewel boxes, Namibian white rhino marble, and pink ponies. Lauren says that Michael is “not the typical real estate agent.” No shit.

Ryan is meeting with Dina about the invitation-only open house. Dina desperately tries to get him to help with the invitations, but Ryan says that he used to be a professional hand model so he can’t be stuffing envelopes and getting paper cuts. I am not hyperbolizing here, he actually said that.

THESE BABIES HAVE SEEN ME THROUGH A LOT OF LONELY NIGHTS (with a lot more to come)

Ryan fakes that he does not know how to trifold a piece of paper to the point where Dina grabs it out of his hand and tells him she will do it herself. Ryan walks away, whistling.

DID I MENTION THAT RYAN HAS THIS TATTOOED ON HIS ASS?

Meanwhile, Fredrik is at his marketing meeting at the architect’s office. He has his broker’s open in a week and needs brochures, a website, floor plan, and other materials ready before that. Unlike Ryan whose marketing meeting began with him throwing pictures all over the table and whining that they were subpar, Fredrik starts by complimenting his team on how competent they are and how happy he is to be working with each of them. Fredrik is worried because nothing is done, so he presses a little.

Ryan shows up at his open house and it is pouring rain. Even God is against this twit. Ryan wants his bartender to make a Gramercy Park martini and float flower pedals in them. I sure hope no one has those pesky and oh-so-rare spring allergies!

Everyone loves the apartment, but Ryan zeroes in on a potential buyer named Jasper. He is here with a broker and, apparently, is looking on behalf of his uncle who lives in Hong Kong.

SOMETHING TELLS ME THE ASIAN MARKET IS ONE CHINESE-ENGLISH DICTIONARY AWAY FROM PERMANENT ALIENATION

Fredrik’s open house is about to begin. Fredrik’s visual designer, John, is late. He has the rendering of the final unit. John finally arrives. The effect of the rendering is cool.

Michael is at his doctor’s office. Michael over shares interviews that he sweats profusely. Why am I not surprised? You know, Gasmii, it is getting to the point where Michael is so inept that he is becoming adorable. Kind of like those puppies that are so ugly that they’re cute.

OF COURSE, THEN YOU REMEMBER THE OVER-INDULGED DADDY’S BOY THING AND IT KIND OF RUINS IT

Michael is getting his armpits Botoxed.

WONDER IF THEY WILL START LOOKING LIKE THIS IN A FEW YEARS?

The brokers start to arrive. The units list anywhere from 2.25 million to 15 million dollars. Fredrik says that selling a building under construction is more about his performance than when selling a finished product. Of course, even we common folk can check out Fredrik’s “performance” just by renting The Hole. Just sayin’.

Ryan shows up and refuses to wear a hard hat because it isn’t the right shade of pathetic pansy. Fredrik has to keep reminding Ryan to wear the hat in the middle of his presentation. Fredrik interviews that at least the hat covers up all of the gray in Ryan’s hair. And the party list just keeps getting bigger, my friends.

Ryan continues being very disruptive and rude during the presentation. Then he starts telling the other brokers that they are not in a very good area because it is right next to Chinatown. Then he says he would only buy the apartment “if there was an order of General Tso’s chicken with every apartment sold.”

Ryan says the building is on Canal rather than Washington, and Canal is synonymous with Chinatown and a place where you can get “knock off handbags.”

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, GASMII???

Cross Asia off of Ryan’s “international clients” list.

The other brokers ask Fredrik about Chinatown, and Fredrik says that Chinatown is 15 blocks away and asks who said the building was in Chinatown. Ryan says, “Well, this is Canal Street, right?” Fredrik says that Chinatown is on the East side and they are on the West side. He then asks Ryan if he ever gets his head out of his ass knows downtown.

Ryan is visiting an acupuncturist who, to Ryan’s great relief, is NOT Asian. The acupuncturist tells Ryan that he has a problem in his “dragon tail.” If this guy just called Ryan an ass, he’s on the party list, too.

Ryan gets a phone call while he is being punctured. Someone has an offer on the Gramercy building and wants to meet.

Lauren has called Michael with a potential offer for the glass apartment. The apartment is listed for $6 million. Lauren tells him the offer is 5.2 million. Zoinks!

THIS CAUSES MICHAEL TO GET A NOSE BLEED

Michael argues that this is a special project, not a Labor Day sale at Bloomingdales. Lauren is playing hardball, though. She says she has gotten her client up a million dollars and it is an all cash offer. Michael says he doesn’t see it. Lauren tells him they will walk if it’s not good enough. Michael calls Trevor with the offer.

Ryan is meeting in a restaurant with Edward, the Hong Kong buyer’s broker. NOOOOOOOO.

一样快速地跑，象您能，我的朋友

Ryan says when he negotiates that he tries to charm the other broker, but Edward is a tough cookie and may be immune to his charms. Yeah, Edward and every woman in America (and France and China) after seeing this mess.

Edward says that Jasper’s uncle is offering all cash 4.6 million. Ryan asks him to go up. Edward says it is all or nothing. Ryan says he’ll call the seller and maybe then get some food. He asks Edward if he is hungry and he says, “Yes. That’s why we’re here [in a restaurant],” and I can see I’ll need to add more packs of Jello and an extra gallon of vodka to my shopping list.

Maurice says that he will do it for 4.7 million, all cash, immediate closing. Ryan tells Edward 4.75 million. Ryan tells Edward that he knows Edward’s buyers more than Edward does, and that if they have 4.6 million, they have 4.75 million. Edward calls Jasper. When he comes back, Edward tells Ryan that it’s a no-go, then tells him, JK – they’ll take the deal. Ryan makes $147,000 off of people from a culture he just slammed. No wonder God cries on him.

Michael is talking to Trevor about the offer on the glass house. Michael desperately tries to talk him into it, but Trevor says he can’t go less than 5.5. Michael tells Lauren that Trevor is firm on 5.7 million. Michael says he went in high in order to still have wiggle room. Lauren says their best and final offer is 5.6 million – take it or leave it. Michael “thinks” about it and agrees.

MAYBE THE LITTLE GUY HAS SOME SHARK BLOOD IN HIM AFTER ALL!

What did you think about this week, Gasmii? Did Michael luck out or does he have what it takes? Do you admire Fredrik’s will power in not slamming his fist into Ryan’s face? Will someone stop Ryan before he alienates the entire human race? Spill it!

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