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Hey, there, Gasmii! Remember last week when I heralded the return of spring? Welp, now the pollen hath returned as well, and I come to you surrounded by crumpled Kleenex and orifices running more than Pheidippides.
Speaking of fun, let’s begin our weekly foray into real estate porn (per MrsMiaWallace) – Million Dollar Listing New York. This week we are in for Construction, Conniptions, and a Kangaroo.
OOO – SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE’S SEX TAPE HAS SURFACED!
Speak of the Devil – we open at Ryan’s office where he is torturing a guitar. And Dina. He gets a call from a guy named Alex who is looking to buy a place downtown. Ryan ends the call by saying, “Sick.” Dina calls him out on being
an unruly man-child unprofessional, but Ryan calls it “breaking the rules.”
I THINK HE IS CONFUSING HIMSELF WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
Michael’s driver, Tom, is letting him out of the car alone. He is shopping for bathing suits because his tailor refuses to sew little floatie devices into the seams. Michael is looking at “limited edition” scraps of cloth that are selling for around $400.00. Poor Mikey has no idea how much he is getting ripped off.
I KNOW WHERE HE CAN GET A LIMITED EDITION WIFE-BEATER/CUP HOLDER ENSEMBLE FOR A MERE $3.50
He terrifies the sales girl by threatening to try them on – sans underwear. Michael says he was the fat kid that now has gotten into reasonable shape and wants to show off what his mama gave him. Having had my own horizontal challenges, I shall let this one pass. Feel free to provide your own snark, Gasmii.
Michael gets a call from a guy also named Zach. Hmmmm – could there be a competition a-brewin’? RUT ROH – it turns out that this Zach is the same one who agreed to let Fredrik broker the sale of his “Chinatown” development for 2 ½% commission last week!
TREACHERY, THY NAME IS ZACH
Zach is calling about a property on the Upper East Side, at 949 Park. Well, since that isn’t in Chinatown – dun, dun, dun – I can only assume for the moment that Zach is a publicity whore and is trying to glom on to as much of the Million Dollar Listing exposure as he possibly can.
This property is right down the street from the glass apartment Michael just sold. Zach wants to meet with Michael that afternoon. Michael spends over $700 on a bathing suit. Le sigh.
Fredrick is having a private showing at the TriBeCa building under construction. Harsh is in “finance,” and his wife, Purvi is an interior designer. The building has 12 apartments to sell, ranging from $2.25 to $15 million. Fredrik shows Harsh and Purvi the views and points out the amazing ceiling heights. He is showing them a two-bedroom, 2,000 square feet unit, but the buyers say they need something bigger – four-bedroom minimum. Fredrik tells them the only thing that size is the 4,000 square foot penthouse that is selling for $15 million. They swallow hard and pretend that they are still interested.
FUNNY, THEY DON’T LOOK CHINESE
Fredrik explains that it has three levels. Purvi asks how many bedrooms and Fredrik says three. They complain that it still isn’t enough and Harsh asks about the seventh floor, and asks if they can COMBINE the seventh floor and the penthouse to get more room.
FREDRIK SAYS FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY HE’LL THROW IN A FREE BLOW JOB AND A COPY OF THE TAG ERIKSSON MOVIE OF THEIR CHOICE
Fredrik says that he could probably convince the developer to sell them the entire five top floors of the building and asks Harsh if he has ever seen a five floor apartment before. Harsh says he hasn’t and Fredrik asks them how many are in their family. Purvi says they have one son. That must be one helluva fat baby, Gasmii.
Fredrik asks them to adopt him, too. Harsh and Purvi say they must have the seventh floor as well. Fredrik suggests meeting with the architect to see what they can come up with.
Ryan is meeting up with Alex in some nasty dark alley somewhere.
The apartment is disgustingly over-crowded with gaudy crap and scratched up painted floors.
Alex is looking to expand and pay 2 -3 million for a new place to crap up. As Ryan is getting ready to leave he hears a sound, and out jumps Alex’s wallaby, Indie. Yes, a wallaby.
It’s just a hunch, Gasmii, but S-Natch’s money is on Alex being a real playah with the ladies, y’all. For the first time in his life Ryan shies away from touching something warm and hairy. Ryan realizes that it is not going to be easy to find an apartment that will allow a marsupial.
Alex makes Ryan hold Indie in a Baby Bjorn.
BETTER GET USED TO THAT FEELING, RYRY
Michael is going to his meeting with Zach on the Upper East Side. Zach tore down an old brownstone and replaced it with luxury condos. Another glass building.
Zach has six units with one going under contract. Zach says that he wants Michael’s full attention on selling these units, no junior agents. Hold the front door – isn’t MICHAEL a junior agent??
ZACH, YOUR FAME-WHORISHNESS IS SHOWING
They discuss price, and Michael suggests $4 million, with prices going up $150,000 per floor. Zach says he wants something under contract in the next 6 – 8 weeks.
Ryan is showing Alex a unit in Caledonia on the West Side. Ryan says that finding him a place will be easy, but the wallaby will be a hard sell. This unit is pretty amazing:
The onsite broker says pets are permitted and they even have an on-site pet spa. Ryan asks if the pet spa takes kangaroos. Fail.
Ryan tells Alex he has a penthouse for sale and there is a open house coming up.
Michael is having a broker’s open at his firm’s sales office because the building on Park’s lobby is not finished and has no running water. I seem to remember that Fredrik’s building had no running water, either, but he had a broker’s open anyway. Michael puts a bunch of pictures of the units on the wall and basically throws a party.
MICHAEL, YOUR SHI-SHI IS SHOWING
Fredrik shows up and Daddy
Warbucks Lorber welcomes the son he wishes he had.
Oh, we find out that Fredrik is a broker at Daddy Lorber’s firm and one of Daddy’s favorites cause he
makes him shit-tons of money that he then uses to support Michael is a great broker. Michael interviews that Fredrik is a little too competent slick for his tastes.
Fredrik interviews that the wallpaper in the model unit is really bad. He then asks Michael if he has sold any units yet. Nope.
Fredrik offers to sell one for him in front of Dad. He then tells Michael that he need to be at the door welcoming people instead of being glommed on to Dad’s side. BWHAHAHAH!! As soon as Fredrik steps away Daddy Dearest tells Michael to go stand by the door and silently bemoans the fact that he did not marry a comely Swedish maid and produce tall, good-looking, competent progeny.
Zach and Leo, the Director of Sales for the project, have arrived at the open house. Fredrik takes Leo aside and asks Leo if he needs his help. Michael is pissed and threatens to
hold his breath until he turns blue send Fredrik a bill for half of the party.
Ryan is having his broker’s open on 99 John Street. He pats himself on the back for showing up early. The listing is for $2.5 million. It is a triplex in the financial district.
I tried to get some grabs for this one, but it was so crowded with people all I got were pics of bad nose jobs and designer knock-offs.
Alex is worried that, although the space is tall, the floors are cramped. Ryan tries to bullshit about tearing out the kitchen charm Alex into taking the place. Fredrik continues his reign of destruction by showing up at Ryan’s broker’s open. Fredrik says it feels more like a college party and, from the broker’s opens they have shown in the past, I have to agree. Then, again, it could be because the place really is cramped. Go figure.
Ryan is “thrilled” to see Fredrik and his assistants, Justin and John. Ryan asks if the three of them work together and Justin asks Ryan if he wants to come to work with them. He says, “No. Too many swinging dicks for me.” Was that a gay slur? Ryan interview that there is only room for one big dick and that is going to be him, so get the fuck out.
KLASSY. AS. USUAL.
Ryan gets very paranoid and says that Fredrik is a shark who is after his listing. Ryan follows Fredrik onto the terrace and Fredrik jokes that the apartment is called “99 John” because it has been for sale for 99 years. Ryan’s descent into madness continues as he accused Fredrik of bad-mouthing the apartment in front of “every single broker there (not that Ryan would ever do anything that – see last weeks debacle at the construction site),” and says, “If you are willing to do porn, you are willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.”
Michael is showing the place on Park to many potential buyers. He says that everyone seems to love the great details and finishes. He says all he has to do is sit back and wait for offers. Clearly Michael has never done porn.
Fredrik is meeting with the TriBeCa architect to see if it will be feasible to combine the floors of the building for Harsh and Purvi. The listing price for both units would be $19,750,00, with a potential commission of $493,752. Harsh and Purvi arrive at the meeting. The unit would be over 7,200 square feet for three family members. Plus Fredrik.
Harsh outlines what they want, including a 350 square foot home gym. Fredrik explains that filing new papers, redesigning the building, etc., is going to be extremely difficult and pricey. Fredrik reminds them that he has to convince the seller to pay for these changes, so it is not a done deal. He insists that he needs a firm offer from them in order to take it to the seller. He reminds them that the list price is for two different apartments with none of the additional work factored in.
Some horrible screeching noise is coming from Ryan’s office, and dogs all over New York start howling. Turns out Ryan is writing another “song.” Wonder what it’s entitled. Spite and Venom Spewed by Washed up Actor/Hand Model perhaps?
Ryan is ignoring Dina and interviews that he wants to pull her hair and kick her shins.
The sucker Alex calls to make an offer on 99 John. Ryan has both ends of this deal so he wants to do whatever it takes to get ahead stretch out his commission. He tells Alex that his offer of 2.3 million is too low. He tells him to go 2.38. Alex hesitates but he lets Ryan mind fuck flatter his pathetic, lonely self into making the offer. Ryan’s potential commission is $142,800.
Ryan then proceeds to sexually harass Dina.
Harsh and Purvi come back with an offer, emphasizing that they need one apartment and if the seller is not willing to make the changes then the deal is off. Harsh says that 19.75 is too high based on the comps in the area. Harsh offers $16 million for the combo apartment, in essence paying only one million for an extra three-bedroom apartment.
Fredrik tells them that he could make more by waiting and selling them separately. Harsh tells him that this takes risk off the table. Fredrik knows that Harsh has done his homework but he has come in with a low offer. Fredrik says that Harsh does not have a broker, so he has to treat the situation carefully. Fredrik says that he will work to make it happen, but he can’t promise anything.
Ryan is at home and has invited Alex over.
Ryan is reading a book about how to defeat your enemies. He identifies his enemy as Fredrik. From the looks of things, it seems to be the gym.
Right after this scene they showed a promo for WWHL. I didn’t get a pic because I screen grab off of iTunes, but did anyone else notice how incredibly gray-headed Michael is now? He must have run out of Grecian Formula and couldn’t find his way back to the CVS. Did anyone see WWHL? I’d love some scoop on that!
Back to the show.
Michael is calling brokers and
fishing thanking them for coming by the Park unit. All of them are turning them down.
Ryan is meeting with Tom, the owner of 99 John. He has the offer from Alex in hand. Tom is thrilled with the offer until Ryan mentions the K-word. Tom and his assistant have a hard time believing it and Tom turns the offer down. Ryan is cursing not getting his double commission and vows to “off” Indie before his money grows cold. Not really, but he hypocritically says, for the second time since calling Fredrik out, that he is not going to let anything stand in the way of him and his commission.
Michael gets a call from Zach who asks for a progress report on the Park Avenue property. Michael hems and haws and says they are “trying to build up energy” but nothing is selling. Zach asks Michael for a meeting, and Mikey pees his pants a little.
Fredrik is meeting with Zach to outline the Washington Street offer. Zach says it is hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of work. Fredrik says he has already checked and it is a half a million dollars. That’s why I luv Freddi: he is a Swedish Boy Scout – always prepared.
Fredrik points out that nearly half of the building would be presold with this deal and Zach is tempted. Zach decides to counter. Zach tells him a buyer in the hand is worth two in six months, so he says he will take $17 million for the unit. Fredrik calls in the offer. Fredrik says he is going against what he normally does and is calling the buyer in front of the seller. He says he is doing this because he wants Zach to hear that Harsh is an educated buyer and wants him to hear Harsh’s rationale.
Another reason j’adore Fredrik – he really is working to make the deal work for the sellers despite the fact that he is the buyer’s agent. Sure, he stands to make a crap load of money, but it seems he likes the art of the deal almost as much as he likes the money. Therein lies the primary difference between Fredrik and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.
Harsh rejects the counter-offer. Fredrik asks for a counter and Harsh says 16.25. Fredrik tells Zach that this sale will pay off his loans. Zach says 16.75 – best and final. After confirming that all the work will be done as they want it, Harsh accepts. Cha-ching – $420,000 to Fredrik. Maybe he’d be willing to bring the cocktail wienies and spicy mustard to Doucheapalooza!
We are treated to a Freddikick!
Meanwhile, Ryan is meeting Alex at his crappy apartment. Ryan is going to tell him that it’s either an apartment or Indie, and to ask if boa constrictors eat wallabies. Alex says he wants the apartment but he needs the kangaroo because he is his life and his best friend. Why am I not surprised? He asks Ryan just not to mention Indie when he makes an offer but Ryan says he can’t do that because it would ruin his rep. Ryan says he could find Alex a 7 million dollar townhouse instead because there would be no board or co-op to deal with. Alex says he can’t afford it and they decide Alex will just buy later.
Next week we see Hypocrite-tes trying to sneak his card to someone else’s client.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE
What’s up, Gasmii? Is Ryan a hypocrite? Did anyone see WWHL? Is Michael hopeless? Do you want a wallabee?
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