Howdy, Gasmii! I have loved sharing the Freddi love in our commentaries of Million Dollar Listing New York. This show is just so much fun and I enjoy sharing it with y’all so much. Having said that,
This week’s episode is entitled Bailing on the Bully. Sounds like “someone” is going to hold his breath ‘til he turns blue, eh, Little Lord Fauntleroy (thanks @MrsMiaWallace!)?
Let’s find out, shall we?
We open with Ryan “boxing.” His instructor, Eddie, tells him that Ryan needs to use his hips, “That’s why your secretary is dating someone else, not you.” No, Eddie, that’s because she has more than one brain cell. Ryan interviews that he is scared of Eddie because “he has murdered people in the face.” I will let you try to work that one out on your own, Gasmii.
Ryan gets an urgent phone call. Nick from Florida is calling. He is relocating his family and needs a three bedroom place. Nick’s budget is $2.5 to 3.5 million.
sniveling in the corner licking his wounds smoldering over a glass of ice water interviewing about Fredrik working on the Park Avenue project with him. Michael has invited Fredrik for lunch. Fredrik says that he has not seen Michael since Michael stormed out of the Park Avenue open house. Professionally.
Michael tells Fredrik he feels like they are opposites.
Michael continues to complain about how they are like water and oil when Fredrik cuts him off and asks why he called this meeting. Michael said that he had issues with Fredrik polling people about whether they liked the wallpaper on Park Avenue during the open house. Fredrik asks him if he seriously called him all the way across town to complain about wallpaper. Michael says, “No. There are a million things.” He goes on the mention that his name was left off of the invitations to the party. Fredrik reminds Michael that the party is over and now the focus should be on selling the property. Michael says he is not sure he can work with someone lacking professionalism.
I HAVE NO WORDS
Fredrik says it is not his job to be Michael’s friend or therapist. Fredrik interviews that he has never been called to a business meeting to discuss feelings. He tells Michael that he is sorry he made him cry over a piece of wallpaper. Michael calls Fredrik condescending. Fredrik says his only objective is to sell the unit that happens to belong to his most important client.
Michael asks Fredrik how it will work out for the client if he, Michael, is “excluded or mistreated.” MISTREATED? Are you fucking kidding me?! Fredrik reminds Michael that they are no longer in Kindergarten and asks him if he needs his woobie.
Michael continues to rant saying he was only at the party to be Fredrik’s bitch while Fredrik kissed up to Michael’s dad.
THIS DOES NOT GO OVER WELL
Fredrik says that his continued good relationship with Michael’s father, Howard, is important to him (as he is Fredrik’s boss) but he is not going to kiss Michael’s ass. Fredrik asks Michael if he expects him to teach Michael how to sell a unit. Michael says he did not ask Fredrik to help him and Fredrik mumbles something like, “Well, you sounded like it” while practicing his Tag Eriksson moves.
Michael says Fredrik is always looking down “at” him and he wants to take his toys and go home. Fredrik suggests the resolution would be for them sell the unit to which Michael professionally replies, “You sell it.”
Fredrik tells Michael he has a showing scheduled for the next day and invites him along. Michael professionally answers, “Mazel tov. I’ve seen you in action and I don’t want to be involved with you anymore.”
MMMkay – Fredrik sold a billion dollars last year, has sold a three-floor apartment under construction and other units during the run of this show. Michael sold one unit, blew a sale by not calling in an offer, and had the owner of another property call Fredrik in to help him.
CAREFUL, MIKEY, YOUR INFERIORITY COMPLEX IS SHOWING
Michael professionally tells Fredrik he is dropping the listing and professionally storms off.
Ryan is meeting with Nick and Penelope from Florida. He is going to show them an apartment at the Trump World Tower. Nick tells Ryan that he sounded short on the phone. Suddenly, Kelsey appears and tells Nick that his assessment of Ryan’s “assets” is right on the money before she is hustled out by the burly doorman (k – they didn’t show that, but you tots know it is in the outtakes).
Ryan’s, intimidated by Nick’s apparent x-ray vision, interviews that his first impression of Nick and Penelope is that they are “a little rough around the edges.”
Nick, revealing the only section of NYC he has ever heard of, asks Ryan if they are on the Upper-East side. Ryan tells them they are in Mid-Town East.
Nick is going to be very particular. He buys and sells companies and Penelope is “basically, a princess.” Ryan starts at the top of the food chain by showing an apartment at the upper end of Nick’s budget – $3,550,000
Here she be:
Penelope loves the view. Nick does not like the zig-zag wood floor. Penelope loves the bedroom. Nick says the apartment should be empty so he can envision it his way. Nick says the windows and view are the only things he likes about the apartment. Ryan reminds him of the amenities in the building but they will venture forth to other properties. Nick reminds everyone that he is
a rude, spoiled brat picky.
Fredrik has been called into
the principal’s Zach’s office (the developer of the Park Avenue property and Fredrik’s most important client). Zach says he got a call from Michael tattling on Fredrik saying he wasn’t on the project anymore. Zach asks what happened. Fredrik says Michael was really emotional and he is not sure what happened. Zach says he is concerned about the in-fighting because he wants to sell the freaking unit. Fredrik tells him he has a buyer from Hong Kong coming in.
WHATEVER YOU DO, FREDRIK, HIDE THE ASIAN FROM RYAN!!
Zach is pissed that the unit is languishing. Fredrik says he understands.
Diva brat Daddy’s boy Michael is having his driver take him to a listing interview in Chelsea. Michaels says that 20 years ago Chelsea was a slum but now you can find $22 million dollar apartments there. Oh, goodie, another glass building. This one was designed by “star-chitect” Jean Nouvel.
LOOKS LIKE A BIG UGLY PILE OF BROKEN GLASS TO ME, BUT ITS EXPENSIVE SO IT MUST BE GOOD, RIGHT?
The building already has an on-site broker. They show the apartment and it is not my taste, seems kind of bachelor pad-esque, but here it is for your viewing pleasure:
The highlights of the building are the wonky windows. Each one is different and each is a “frame” that makes a picture of the outside view. The unit is 1,700 square feet and is selling for $3.5 million. There are 12 out of 54 units left in the building.
Michael says in New York “it is not what you know, it’s who you know,” and goes on to say that he has the greatest resource around – his father.
HE THEN PROFESSIONALLY PULLS THIS PICTURE OUT OF HIS WALLET
Michael stammers that he would like to list a unit. The onsite broker says his Roladex will be an asset. Hahahah – note that she did not say that they would welcome his professionalism, or that she even finds him competent – she just wants to Xerox his phone book. She tells him that if he sells a unit he will get 4%, if he doesn’t he will get nothing.
Michael bitches that he is going to spend all of his money and use up his contacts and professionalism while the listing agent sits back and benefits, and he could end up with nothing if it doesn’t sell quickly. Hmmm – wonder how long it will take the listing agent to call Fredrik in?
Michael signs up and stands to make enough to cover one trip to his tailor – $70,000.
Fredrik is showing the Park Avenue listing to the unfortunately named Bich Hoan and her husband, Lawrence. Fredrik shows the apartment with his usual mastery. He points out that the windows are very large for a Park Avenue building and Lawrence asks if that means people can see in. Fredrik shows them the automatic blinds and tells them if that isn’t good enough that he will have the developer pay for putting in black out shades. Smooth operator.
Bich Hoan and Lawrence say they are leaving in the morning so they have to make a decision over dinner that night. Fredrik asks if he can come with them so they can discuss things further. Lawrence, clearly having no appreciation for the natural wonder that is our Freddi, says they will call him in the morning.
Ryan is showing Penelope and Nick another apartment. Nick, who is getting skeevier by the minute, says that this is their “second date.” Ryan, in a futile attempt to be charming, asks if it is the second date with the same girl or a new girl. Nick says that, of course, it is a different girl, because he didn’t like the first girl.
WONDER HOW MANY SNAKES NICK’S BEEN SENT?
Ryan takes them to an apartment that is $2.99 million and is on the Upper-East side and right by Central Park.
Nick loves the views and the feel of the place. The on-site broker says that the owners paid $2.4 million for it and put about $2 million into it. Penelope spazzes out and insists on knowing where the 2 million was put in. The broker tried to explain, but Penelope says that in order for her to make the apartment feel less “common” she would have to put another 2 million into it. She hates it and refuses to live there.
Ryan reminds them that the apartment met their exact specifications. They agree but say its still wrong. Penelope says she is a “downtown girl with uptown tastes.” Penelope must be thirsty and horny because she keeps talking about water and grease. Wait . . . Greece. My bad.
Meanwhile, Michael is having a Broker’s Open at the Chelsea listing. He overcompensates by having Daddy force the Statue of Liberty to come down off of her pedestal and do a belly dance (about which Michael dubs, “the finest entertainment in the City. Probs has never been to Hooters).
Michael dazzles the other brokers with his professionalism.
Michael “wisely” decides to set up the party in the penthouse – which is not his – and then bring them down in small groups to see his unit. How much you wanna bet ¾ of them stayed upstairs with the free booze and the dancing SOL?
Fredrik is at Park Avenue waiting for a broker representing Bich Hoan and Lawrence. She is late, but finally, Gioia arrives. She has a cash offer for $3.2 million, $800,000 off asking price. Fredrik balks saying the price is ridiculous because the building is on Park Avenue, it is brand new, and has lots of glass – perfect. Gioia – who from now on shall be referred to as “Bitter Old Hag” (BOH), smartassedly replies, “Oh, and how many units have you sold in this wonderful, perfect building of yours?”
Fredrik replies, “That is twenty percent below ask,” to which BOH shrugs and smugly says, “Well, you have to present the offer.”
DID SHE ESCAPE FROM A FAIRY TALE SOMEWHERE?
Fredrik tells her it was rude of her to make him come all the way down there for an offer like that but he understands that, by law, he has to present the offer. He is extremely embarrassed to call Zach. Zach says his lowest is 3.8.
Fredrik tells BOH that Zach won’t even counter-offer because the buyers’ offer is so ridiculous. He believes BOH is trying to pull a fast one so he tells her that she needs to call Paris and get another offer from the buyers.
BOH comes back and says they will come up to 3.6. Fredrik tells BOH that he respects her and respects her business but the offer is no good. BOH says they won’t come up anymore. Fredrik calls pants on fire and BOH gets up to leave. Whoops – our darling may have overplayed his hand.
Fredrik feels like BOH is bluffing. We’ll see.
In the mini-scene Ryan is putting frozen mice in the microwave to feed to his snake. He over-nukes it. This is a really disgusting segment.
Back on Park Avenue, BOH hesitates at the door. Then she comes back saying maybe they could make the deal work. We’ve all said it before – our Freddi is brilliant negotiator and a great reader of people. We need to invent a Jello shot named after him – the floor is yours on that one, Gasmii.
Fredrik tells her that if she meets him at 3.9 they have a deal. BOH suggests 3.8. Fredrik sighs heavily and says Zach will not go 3.8 (he so totally will), and says that he might, in a perfect world, take an offer of 3.850 with the buyer paying all of the closing costs. BOH calls Fredrik an ass but says she will call her buyers.
She comes back and offers 3.830 – take it or leave it. Fredrik says they will take it only if she takes back the “ass” comment. She does. He says they have a deal and she calls him a jerk – but good-naturedly this time. Fredrik makes $114,900 off the sale. Michael makes jack shit. Another stellar professional decision.
Michael is now having a private showing of his Chelsea apartment with Romain, a buyer’s rep. Romain is particularly interested in the architect. Romain is looking on behalf of a French friend, and now I think the producers at Bravo are just fucking with me.
OR THEY WANT ME TO POST THE WILL ROBINSON PICTURE AGAIN
realizing what a complete raging bitch karma is still trying to sell Nick and Penelope an apartment. He is showing then a penthouse on the Upper East side for $2, 570,00. Penelope immediately hates the kitchen.
Nick doesn’t want to be staring at the rooftops. It will make him claustrophobic. They hate it and tell Ryan he has to work a little harder and they start bickering amongst themselves. Ryan, being uncharacteristically witty, says, “Sometimes I really miss hand modeling.”
Fredrik is getting a mani pedi and, in so doing, reveals his kryptonite.
Don’t worry, Freddi. I can overlook them. Just keep your socks on.
Fredrik gets a call from BOH. She says her clients are backing out. They have become terrified of the windows. Fredrik panics. There is no contract so the sale is not yet binding. BOH, who I kinda like now so I will call her Gioia, is also distressed and she and Fredrik try to work together to make it happen. Fredrik needs time to think, so he flees the pedicure. They buyers are afraid to live in a “fishbowl.” WTF – isn’t ALL of New York City a fishbowl. Hell, isn’t the same true for Hong Kong as well? I wonder if Bitch and Lawrence are posers.
Michael is being extremely professional (and a total dork) by playing video chess on his work computer when a call comes in. Aaron, Romain’s broker, calls with an offer – $2.5 million, cash – a MILLION dollars off the asking price. Michael continues to play video chess as he is talking to Aaron.
Michael tells Aaron that number is “tough.” Aaron says it is just an investment property for his client so he was adamant about the price. Michael asks Aaron to meet him at the building so he can show him something that “might work out for both of us.” Ooo- I bet it’s his Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring (drink more Ovaltine)!
Fredrik and Gioia arrive at the Park Avenue apartment. Fredrik cannot understand the problem. Gioia says that the buyers don’t live in New York and they don’t understand. Fredrik and Gioia decide to perform an experiment wherein she will stand outside and see if she can see Fredrik inside. It is clear from the camera shot that the window is distorted from the outside so she cannot see inside. Gioia calls the buyers and they save the deal. Gioia also officially withdraws the ass comment.
Gioia says they have a deal but the apartment has a major flaw. Fredrik asks what it is and she points and says, “That is the ugliest wallpaper I have ever seen in my life.” BWAHAHAHAHAH!!
Gioia is TOTALLY joining us for Jello shots and Little Debbies!! And I officially withdraw my BOH and fairy tale comments.
How was it for you, Gasmii? Are you as happy as I am that Michael has taught us all a lesson in professionalism? Are you enjoying Ryan having clients that are as big a pain in the ass as he is?
On a totally unrelated note, Mr. S-Natch and I recently got to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in concert. It was one of the most energetic, enthusiastic, rocking concerts I have been to in a long time, and if anyone thinks that there is or ever has been a greater rock bass player than Flea has not seen him playing melody on that sucker. Just sayin’.