Howdy, Gasmii! I really enjoyed our chat about last week’s episode of Million Dollar Listing New York! I also would like to announce the honorary hostess for our 2012 Doucheapalooza Party:
IT’S CUPCAKE GIRL!!
Thanks, @TVJunkie for the heads up on the Cupcake Video. For those of you who missed it, follow this link to see some classic Mikey douchiness. I have a feeling, though, that we ain’t gonna need it since this episode is entitled Don’t’ Throw Stones in Glass Buildings. Oh, wait. I could be mistaken since the title implies someone would have to possess stones in order to toss them. We shall see. Let’s go!
Yay! We open with Fredrik. He is in Greenwich Village when he notices some adorable puppies in a pet store window. He claims he is a tough guy with one sweet spot.
It’s official! All haters have been erased from the Universe. Fredrik asks about how to care for the tiny dachshund puppy he is holding and crawls into the small cage with her and plays with her. He takes a call from Tim Vanderslice who is considering putting his apartment on the market.
Fredrik interviews that Tim is a well know celebrity anesthesiologist, and that this will be his third sale with Tim. (Funny, I did not know that celebrities had to be put to sleep that often. Except one. Tasteless? Sorry.) Fredrik looks at the puppy and tells the clerk that she probably needs someone who can devote more time to her.
YET ANOTHER GIRL LEFT BROKEN-HEARTED BY OUR FREDDI
Ryan, the snake owner, is still trying to find an apartment for
his doppelgangers Nick and Penelope. Dina comes in and suggests Ryan try a completely different angle. Ryan interviews that Nick and Penelope are pushing him to the edge. Now if they would just push him over, we’d have two more for shots and nachos. Dina once again saves his ass suggests Riverside Boulevard. Ryan tells Dina he just had a genius moment and she totally calls him out on stealing her idea.
Now even God is weeping for Michael’s wallpaper as we see him traipsing around in the rain. We get treated to a rerun of Michael’s
hissy fit professional lunch with Fredrik regarding the Park Avenue listing. He says now things are going in a positive direction because he is listing the broken pile of glass building by Jean Nouvel. We are reminded that he showed the house to a guy, Romain, looking for an investment property on behalf of a French friend. They offered one million dollars below asking price. He wants to meet Romain’s broker, Aaron, at the building in order to buy time “show him something.”
I’M GUESSING AARON DOESN’T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING OF YOURS, TINY
Michael shows him a one bedroom apartment in the same building that the two bedroom they made the offer on.
Michael tells him the asking price on this apartment is $1.6 million. Aaron says he will talk to his clients.
MICHAEL PROFESSIONALLY CROSSES HIS FINGERS
Fredrik is going to Chelsea to meet Tim, Anesthesiologist to the Stars. He has a penthouse apartment with a really good view of The Empire State Building. Fredrik is concerned about the furniture. I mean, the guy is using a painting for a headboard. Fredrik says it looks like poop.
Tim bought the apartment 5 years ago for $2.25 million. Tim wants at least $3 million for it. Fredrik tells him he can get him more than that. Fredrik tells Tim that he needs to work with him and get rid of the décor. Fredrik wants a stager to come in for $10 – $30 thousand for three months’ worth of interior. Fredrik says he knows he can get Tim $3.25 million if he agrees. Tim okays it.
Fredrik says that, since they are friends and Tim is a good client, he will give him a 6% commission rate. Tim says he thinks that is the standard commission rate. Fredrik says, “Well, I am giving you 6%.” Hahahah!
EVEN TIM HAS TO LAUGH
Fredrik brings the stager, Cheryl, to Tim’s apartment while Tim is in Las Vegas. She does a great job and Tim is amazed. Here are some before and afters:
Michael is pacing the floor at the one bedroom apartment. The buyer is offering 1.4 million – $200,000 off the asking price. The money could be wired the next day. Michael says the offer is too low. Aaron says the views are not up to par.
I have to ask – last week we saw Fredrik forced to call in an offer he knew his seller would refuse because that was the law. This leads me to wonder if Mikey: a) is ignorant of the law; b) is too lazy to call in an offer; or c) is afraid Fredrik will get called in to
wipe his butt for him save his ass once again.
I VOTE THIS
Michael says the final number is $1.575 million. Aaron says he is going to call and I am professionally crossing my fingers that they pass. Damnit!! Aaron’s buyer takes the deal. Michael interviews that “there’s a whole rainbow of emotions ‘chugling’ through my body right now.” I am wondering if Michael had burritos for lunch.
Ryan is with his
comeuppance clients Nick and Penelope. Ryan tells them they are going to the West Side and I find myself fervently hoping that they are going to get accosted by some gang members with incredible choreography and an invisible soundtrack.
Penelope immediately says that she doesn’t like the West Side until Nick reminds her that’s she’s never even been on the West Side of New York. She asks how far away it is from “civilization” and Nick barks at her to “look around.”
The apartment he takes them to is listed at 3.381 million.
It has river and city views. It is empty so Nick can imagine it with his stuff in it (because we learned last time that Nick’s brain is overtaxed when furniture is present). However, it also has the dreaded granite countertops.
WHERE IS A SHARK OR JET WHEN YOU NEED ONE?
Penelope hates the fixtures and granite. Nick says that he can’t visualize much since there is no furniture. WHAT??!! Last time he hated that the apartment was furnished! These two deserve each other. I would LOVE to see their house in Florida. I’ll bet its all gilded walls and overstuffed brocade with little gold cupid statues in every corner.
Ryan brings in Robert, a designer who was sent in to rescue Ryan. Robert prepared some samples so they can see what the apartment could be like. Penelope says that Robert is going to have to “charm this up” because she burned the last of her brain cells trying to figure out new ways to give Nick the blow jobs that keep the money rolling.
Fredrik is preparing for a private showing at Tim’s apartment. Fredrik has become irrationally frightened of Audrey 2, one of Tim’s plants, and tells her that he will not feed her any more water and, once the house sells, she is toast. Bet that puppy is breathing a tiny little sigh of relief right about now!
He is meeting with buyer’s agents, Sophie and Dmitri. They are previewing the home for a French surgeon, Yves. Hold the phone – what is this? All these Frenchies coming over and buying up our real estate? Does this mean the end of Freedom Fries? I protest!
The agents love the apartment. Fredrik “casually” mentions that there is an open house for the apartment that weekend. Clever, as per usual.
Back on the West Side, Penelope says she wants “high drama” and “dark and mysterious” Read: tacky. Of course, she loves the combination of leopard print and large paisleys Robert shows her. I. Kid. You. Not. Sometimes this shit just writes itself.
Robert ends up showing the apartment for Ryan and totally showing him up by turning Nick and Penelope into gushing Robert-lover-people. Nick “kids” that he was about to fire Ryan.
Fredrik is meeting with the French agents the day before the open house. He is sensing an offer. Sophie says Yves loves the apartment and wants it. I love watching Fredrik work. Sophie offers $3 million and Fredrik acts like she misunderstood the asking price, “No, no, the price is three million and a quarter.” He tells her if he wants her to cancel an open house she will have to come in at full price. He tells her he would be a fool to advise his client to take the offer when they haven’t even tried out the market, but he calls him with the offer because that is the law.
Fredrik promises Tim that he will get full ask. Fredrik tells the agents that he will schedule the open house right in front of them. Fredrik interviews that he is a bit concerned about finding Tim a new place to live. Sophie comes back and says Yves will pay full ask. Fredrik says, “This was easy as a pie,” or, as they say in Sweden:
ENKEL SOM PIE
(Now, how do you translate, “Cute as a button”?)
Final commission: $97,000. Unlike Ryan, Fredrik eschews the French/English dictionary and just asks Sophie how to say “fantastic” in French.
Ryan is bummed because he has to take the train to a meeting. He wants Dina to chauffeur him around. She tells him to fuck off. Nick calls with an offer of 2.85 on the apartment Dina told him to show them. Ryan tries to kill her by crashing the car.
Fredrik is meeting with Tim. Tim is freaking out about where he is going to live. Freddi says that he will find Tim a place because he always goes after the double commission.
WHICH SOMEHOW INVOLVES MILKING COWS
Tim wants to stay in Chelsea. He liked the modern touches in his staged apartment and would like new, modern construction. Fredrik has come across the Jean Nouvel two-bedroom apartment that Michael wimped out on trying to sell. Tim loves it and wants to see it. Fredrik tells Tim that he knows the listing agent and could get him a good deal. Tim says the guy looks more like an insurance agent.
Michael is sitting down with his friend, Jessica, and psychic, Singh. Singh tells him he looks like a Jewish person with Japanese eyes, so he was a Japanese woman in a former life. I’m thinking he’s pretty much a Japanese woman in this life (no offense to the Japanese). Singh tells him that when he is 38 or 39 he will have
syphilis a blood problem. Michael freaks out and starts making his Will.
Michael is waiting at the Nouvel apartment. He reminds us YET AGAIN that he is a professional and, even though he wants to pull Fredrik’s pigtails, he is going to breathe professionally instead.
Fredrik brings Tim to see the apartment (listed for 3.05 million). Michael and Fredrik get into a fight about the heat and air in front of Tim. Unfortunately, Michael proves to be right, so like any
spoiled brat mature, professional person, Michael goes the Ryan route and interviews as if he is talking to Fredrik: “This is my building. I know what I am talking about. If I was having a private scene in my apartment and filming it later tonight, then I would call you for advice.”
I WOULD SAY THAT ALL THAT MICHAEL HAS ARE “PRIVATE SCENES,” BUT I FEEL CERTAIN DADDY PAYS SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR HIM
Ryan is at The Rushmore to discuss Nick and Penelope’s offer with Melissa. He tells her that the offer is $2.85 (listing 3.381). Melissa tells him that 3.240 is more likely. Ryan “turns on the suave” and tries to get Melissa under 3 million. She says they will pay $60,000 in transfer taxes = 3.18. Ryan says he can get it lower. He says 3.045 with transfer taxes and attorneys fees to be paid by the seller. Melissa says no go, but they can offer a storage bin that costs $25,000, for a net price of 3.15. Ryan tells Nick that he is at the bottom. Nick asks if Ryan can look in his eyes and tell him they got a good deal. No, dildo, you are on the freaking PHONE! However Ryan says he “wouldn’t even blink.” That’s cause snakes can’t blink.
Final commission, $97,020.
Michael is professionally eating lunch with his feet on the desk. He is meeting with Fredrik about the apartment. Fredrik brings Tim with him because Tim is hard to nail down and having him there will help seal the deal. The offer is $2.650. Michael says, “for the two bedroom I showed you?” Fredrik reminds him that it was the only apartment he showed them. Fredrik knows that Tim has authorized $2.9 million but he can’t start with that because it will be pushed up from the beginning point.
Michael tells him about comps in the building but Fredrik says that Michael does not need to educate him about the building. Michael professional retorts, “Well, I did about the air conditioning.” Let it go, already.
Michael says no and does not counter. Fredrik tells him that he has to make a counter offer and needs to call the seller. Michael calls Holly and tells her about the offer. Holly says the bottom line is 2.8. Michael says he is going to make it go higher. Michael comes back with 2.9 million.
BWHAHAHAHAH! Little Lord Fauntleroy has just outsmarted himself!!! He came in at 2.9 million (which is what Tim was willing to initially offer). Therefore, no matter what, Tim is not paying any more than what he thought was going to be his initial offer.
Fredrik says it is too high. Michael tells him to go ask his client as he professionally shoves lettuce into his mouth in an attempt to seem nonchalant while he is, in fact, peeing himself as he speaks. Fredrik tells Michael that he does not think 2.9 is his lowest but he will talk to Tim.
Fredrik goes out to tell Tim they got 2.9, and Tim is thrilled. Fredrik tells him he is not taking it because he can get him lower. Tim seems astounded that Fredrik can get a lower price. Fredrik comes back to Michael and tells him he got Tim to 2.8. Michael suggests meeting in the middle at 2.85. Fredrik catches Michael in a lie when he asks if Michael is authorized to make a deal because he had said that 2.9 was the lowest. Michael says, “I know what I’m doing.” Fredrik asks if Michael is authorized to go to 2.85 and Michael says yes and asks if Fredrik is authorized to raise the offer. I am crossing my fingers (again, professionally) that Fredrik holds his ground.
Fredrik says his buyer told him 2.8 was the highest. He goes out and tells Tim that he got it for 2.85. Tim is thrilled but Fredrik wants to play a little bit more. He goes in and tells Michael it is too high and gets ready to leave. Instead of walking and making Michael stop him, he says, “Kidding!” and agrees to 2.85. Damnit!
Fredrik makes $57,000. Michael makes $28,500. Michael still acts pissy about it.
Next week FREDRIK GOES TO SWEDEN!!!
What did you think, Gasmii? Who got the better end of the Fredrik/Michael love match this week? Did Ryan sell the apartment or did Dina and Robert? Are we all going to be speaking French within the next five years?
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