Bonjour, Gasmii! Today’s episode of Million Dollar Listing New York is entitled “Parlez-vous Francais?” Back before the Earth cooled I took French in school. This is all I remember
Before we begin with this episode, I have to give a shout out to Derek Hazelton for giving me this image to live with all week.
THANKS. SO. MUCH.
En tout cas, laisse le début le spectacle, n’est-ce pas ? We begin with
Asshat Ryan arising at 5:00 am. I think this is supposed to show us how dedicated he is but I know for a fact have heard from a friend that crabs are particularly active in the wee hours of the morning and the sooner you scrub those things with Rid the better. What is behind Ryan as he is getting dressed?
He says hello to Teddy, his doppelganger and a gift from a girl I am still trying to find so I can buy her a drink.
Ryan shows up for a private showing of Adrianna the Hoarder’s apartment. He points out that the apartment has white carrera marble throughout and a dry cleaning rack.
SO WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT WAS DECORATED BY A KID WHO JUST GOT HIS FIRST PAYCHECK FROM BIG LOTS?
Fredrik brought in a Swedish chef for the open house he held for a 2 million dollar apartment. What does klassy Ryan bring to a showing of a 4 million dollar apartment? If you said two Swedish chefs you would be mistaken.
HOWEVER, IF YOU SAID CHEAP PRE-MADE CRUDITE, YOU WOULD BE CORRECT, SIR.
Ryan tries to get rid of the sellers but they insist on staying so they can make sure that Ryan doesn’t try to abscond with their silverware or boff their poodle. Smart move.
A female broker shows up and Adriana, the seller, comes in to
make sure that Ryan doesn’t leave any stains on the marble floor hear what he is saying to her. Adriana insists on introducing herself to the agent. They go up to the bedroom and the walk-in closet is locked. Adriana tells Ryan that her hoard is in there so he can’t show it. Ryan moans that the closet is the key feature of the house and now they can’t show it because Adriana needs therapy.
AND NOT THE FUN KIND
The agent tells Ryan that the apartment is overpriced and leaves. Ouch!
Ricky Schroeder Michael. Michael is meeting with his personal tailor who has come to his apartment. I can totally relate to this because every time I walk into the Goodwill store there is a really nice lady at the checkout counter just waiting for me. Every. Time. That’s how I roll, Gasmii!
Michael’s tailor has made a book with pictures of Michael’s clothes arranged into outfits so he can just look at the book and know what goes with what because
his head is too far up his ass he is too busy to go into his closet and actually choose his clothes independently.
Again, happens to me all the time. I thank God every day that Goodwill is sorted by color.
THANK YOU, MISTER JESUS!
Michael is once again reminding us that he
has no idea what he is doing is “relatively new” to real estate and is trying to glom on to someone else’s action by offering to “help” sell units. Let’s hope that this time he can remember to call in an offer. Maybe his tailor has a book for that, too.
Fredrik (bow chicka wow wow) is going to a listing appointment for a loft in Soho. These are repeat clients and Fredrik tells us that a few years ago he sold the client, Claudia’s, apartment for a record price and he is hoping to do the same with her newest property.
MODESTY, THY NAME IS FREDRIK
Fredrik tells us that Soho has the best shopping district in the city and that huge, luxurious lofts sit on top of all of the retail stores. Never one to miss a trick, Fredrik brings two dolls for Claudia’s daughters. He tells them that he played with dolls when he was their age.
THEY ARE SUITABLY IMPRESSED
Here are pictures of the loft.
IMHO, it seems like a giant, cavernous space with random furniture stuck in the corners. Me no likey.
Claudia asks what Fredrik thinks a good price might be. Fredrik hates the kitchen and tells Claudia it is dated. Fredrik says 6 million with a new kitchen. Claudia tells him that they won’t take less than 7 million. Michael, Claudia’s husband, reminds Fredrik that he got them 7 million for their last place, but Fredrik says
this place is a dump the difference was that the other place had a new kitchen and a $60,000 bathtub imported from Turkey.
DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, GASMII, BUT I THINK I WOULD BE THE SAME FAT BITCH WHETHER I WAS SOAKING IN A FREAKING $60,000 TUB OR NOT
Fredrik argues that 7 million will hike the price per square foot up too high, but Claudia argues that, while most boxes are long and narrow, hers is nice and wide. I think I heard Michael crying softly in the background.
Fredrik tries to sell them on $6 million but Claudia gets really salty and insists on netting $7 million for the apartment. Fredrik finally gives in and agrees to list it for $7.5 million to give some negotiating room. He also tells them he is charging 6% commission because Claudia scared him with talk of her box. Fredrik stands to net $420,000 in commission and nightmares for the rest of his life.
Ryan is showing the Hoarder Palace to Igal and Ilana. Their brokers are French – Sacre bleu!!
Igal and Ilana are
fleeing from Paris. Ryan explains that the apartment is a duplex, meaning that two apartments were put together to form a single unit. The brokers and their clients start speaking French to each other. Ryan says that he has no idea what they are thinking because “even their facial expressions are speaking French.” Well, we have established that I understand French, so allow me to translate:
THEES GUY-UH EES HOW YOU SAY? ZEE ASS-CHAPEAU
bigotry and spite persecution complex is on full display as he says that, although the French have the reputation of being rude and arrogant to Americans it is absolutely untrue – they are just that way to him.
The brokers tell Ryan that their clients like the apartment but it needs work and a few things have to change. The broker tells Ryan that he does not want his client to spend the asking price for the apartment. Ryan tells him to make an offer, and he says they will talk. Ryan offers to throw in a case of French ticklers for good measure, but it looks like they are going to walk.
Fredrik gets a call from Claudia. He asks her if she has redone the kitchen. She says the kitchen is coming but they want to put the loft up for sale now without the kitchen. Fredrik says that he would rather show it with a gigantic hole in the middle rather than with that kitchen, but Claudia insists.
Ryan is meeting with Adriana to discuss lowering the price of Hoard House. Ryan tells her that 4.4 million is too much. He tells her that the people coming in want to do renovations because the space is very “personalized” (read: tacky and awful). He tells her that buyers are factoring in their renovation costs into their considerations. Ryan want to drop the price by a half million.
Adriana tells Ryan that he just wants her to make his job easier by dropping the price. She asks Ryan why can’t he just work harder at selling it. Hahahah! I’m loving this chick, too. Maybe she can join Snake Girl and me for Jello shots and nachos.
Ryan tells Adriana that he is working incredibly hard
on his tan. He says that if they drop the price to 3.8 or 3.895 he is going to “pull it out of the Frenchies so hard you wouldn’t believe.” Now THAT’S a mental picture I could have lived without.
ADRIANA RECALLS THE LAST TIME RYAN PULLED SOMETHING OUT AND BECOMES INSTANTLY SKEPTICAL
Adriana agrees to 3.895 and tells him to pull quickly.
Michael is going to Park Avenue on the Upper East Side to meet with Trevor who has built an ultra modern glass structure. Michael is trying to glom on to Dina, the onsite agent’s, action. He says that this building is all glass and it is like living in a fishbowl.
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT THAT?
I certainly hope he doesn’t use that language to try
to sucker some sap into paying millions of dollars so everyone can look in and watch him do his business or, in the alternative, live behind closed drapes his whole life to sell this magnificent “piece of art.” But, then, again, he has no clue of what he is doing is new to all of this real estate stuff.
All of the apartments have glass stairs, which are ultra safe for kids.
Here is it:
Trevor tells Michael that it took three years to build and the units will sell themselves. Michael asks Trevor the price for the unit and he tells him 6.5 million. Trevor tells them it was based on the comps. Michael tells him he could sell it for 6 million – $2,000 per square foot. Michael has a potential commission of $250,000. IF he doesn’t blow it.
Ryan calls “Frenchy” and tells him that he will drop the price tomorrow morning, but he is giving them an “exclusive” chance to make an offer before the new price goes public.
Fredrik is holding an open house for the Soho loft. The people coming in are complaining about the kitchen. Fredrik assures them that a new kitchen is on its way. Everyone loves the space but are complaining that the price is way too high.
Michael is holding his first ever solo broker’s open. He has a harpist playing and cutesy New York cookies in the shape of taxi cabs and apples. He also has two gals giving chair massages.
I SUSPECT SOMEONE IS OVERCOMPENSATING….
Back to the Soho open house. A buyer comes in and Fredrik hones in on her because she is “dripping in money.” She doesn’t care about the kitchen because “I have someone to cook for me.” She also no longer does dishes. I also have belly button lint older than her.
She shows Fredrik a picture of her dog and goes “ewww, ewww” at the thought of having kids. Fredrik lies through his teeth tells her that she is beautiful and stylish and that if he wasn’t taken he would ask her out himself. Whoa, there, big boy – you is gay! I know you don’t have to be gay to do gay porn, but Fredi is def out : http://www.out.com/entertainment/2012/03/08/interview-fredrik-eklund . Warning, though, there are spoilers in the article!
The gals isn’t buying it and says she has to think about it before making an offer.
Michael is going on a date. With April. Who works for the company. Who HIS DAD set him up with.
DID I MENTION THAT HE HAD THE TAILOR SEW INTO ALL OF HIS UNDERWEAR?
Michael says his family is pressuring him to
not be such a dweeb get married because his brother has a fabulous family. April comes out and she towers over him because she chose to wear heels in order to circumvent the goodnight kiss. Hahaha!
Oh, joy! Ryan is
circling his carrion going on a date, too. He interviews that New York City is full of beautiful women and it would be unfair to him if he did not date every single one of them. Yeah. I know.
Tonight’s victim is Kelly, no Kerry, no Kasey. Yup, that’s what he did. Fumble for her name like that. (I feel slimy just watching this stuff, Gasmii, but I do it only because I love you all so dearly.) Anyway, Bimbo, no Slut, no Desperate suggests body shots right away.
Cut to Michael’s date – a/k/a The Abyss of Awkwardness. The waiter asks for a drink order. Unfortunately, both Michael and April are the “whatever you want” types, as in he asks her if she prefers red or white wine – shrug – “I dunno whatever you want.” Does she prefer fish or chicken – shrug – “I dunno whatever you want.” Does she prefer flavored or unflavored lube . . . well, you get the picture.
WHERE’S MY FATHER??
They end up ordering water.
Ryan says his drink tastes like candy. Ho, no Skank, no Easy responds that she tastes like candy. I need a shower.
FOR SOME REASON, RYAN INTERVIEWS THAT SHE AIN’T MARRIAGE MATERIAL
Back at Café Uncomfortable, April and Michael are chewing. Michael starts picking his teeth and explaining that his veneers give him problems. “Really,” she responds and refills their water glasses.
Ryan says that he has a snake at home. Margarine, no Hussy, no Floozy responds that she loves snakes. Ryan suggests that they leave immediately.
Michael goes for his wallet. April asks what he is doing and he says he is getting his credit card out. April says that you normally wait for the bill to arrive before you do that. I guarantee you this is even more painful than The Miki’s sprung rib.
Meanwhile, Jezebel, no Tramp, no Trollop shoves their bill into her cleavage and Ryan grabs it with his teeth. I am nauseous.
Michael says he is up for new experiences as long as he is in bed by 10:00. I need to go to bed for a week after this.
The Dates from Hell night is finally over, and Ryan is going to meet with the French brokers. Dina, Ryan’s long-suffering assistant, is along for the ride with a French/English dictionary. Ryan thinks he is going to learn enough French on the 20 minute ride to prove to them thar Frenchies that he is bilingual, too.
UNFORTUNATELY, RYAN’S TRIP ENDED ONE BLOCK SHORT OF THIS CHAPTER
Michael is at the Park Avenue listing. The broker’s open was a bust and the seller is getting anxious so Michael called another
desperate newbie broker, Alexa. Alexa drags in a client. She is doing a brilliant job of selling the apartment saying things like, “Would it bother you living in a place where you can see everyone and everyone can see you?” Right away my Spidey sense is telling me that Michael’s about to blow another one.
Alexa complains that the windows don’t open so it makes her feel claustrophobic. She also bitches that the bedrooms are too small. Remember, Gasmii, Alexa is the AGENT. She’s got her client actually defending the place. Come to think of it, she may be an evil genius!
Fredrik is getting an offer for the Soho loft. The Little Blonde Princess (his assistant’s words, not mine) is offering 6.2 million. Fredrik feels that it is a really good offer and thinks Claudia should take it. Let the games begin.
Fredrik calls Claudia with the offer. She shuts it down right away. She wants 7 million. Period. She tells him she won’t counter-offer. Fredrik decided to meet with her face-to-face.
Ryan meets with Oliver and Loic, the French brokers. They tell Ryan that the offer is 3.595 million. Ryan tells them in “French” that the offer is too low. The bust out laughing and go “what??” Bwhahahah!!!! They ask him if he was supposed to be speaking French. Ryan starts blushing and gets all pissy. He tells them the offer is too low and he won’t even call his client with the offer.
FRENCHIES ARE TRES AMUSED
The broker comes back with a best and final offer of 3.7 million. Ryan argues that the apartment is the only duplex known to man and gets ultra-professional when he tells the French guys that he doesn’t give a “flying fuck” about their renovation costs.
THESE GUYS ARE IMPRESSED. CAN WE GUESS WHAT THEIR “FRENCH SPEAKING” EXPRESSIONS ARE SAYING NOW?
The French guys say fine, they are leaving. Ryan sighs and rolls his eyes.
Fredrik shows up at Claudia’s loft. Fredrik is begging Claudia to come down in price. Claudia feels that the detail they have put into the loft makes it worth $7 mil. This is a classic seller’s mistake. Most home improvements do not translate into a higher value, penny for penny. Sellers think that if they put in, say, $7,000 worth of granite countertops, their selling price should go up by $7,000. What it really means is that it may sell faster than a house of the same price without granite countertops. Period.
Claudia is so in love with the loft that she won’t go down on the price. I ask why doesn’t she just stay there if it is so great? Fredrik tells her that if she doesn’t come down he would be doing her a disservice if he keeps working with her. Claudia still refuses and she and Fredrik break up amicably.
Michael and realtor Alexa are meeting. She says the buyer loved the apartment. She says her buyer wants to put an offer in on the ENTIRE BUILDING! Michael stands to net $750,000 in commission. The deal is all or nothing. A $30 million dollar deal. Let’s hope he remembers to call this one in.
Ryan is still
alienating negotiating with the French brokers. He calls Adriana and tells her about the 3.7 million dollar offer. Adriana tells him no and she refuses to counter because she already dropped the price for him. She finally says 3.85. The French brokers call their client. He says the (newest) best and final offer is 3.8 million. Ryan won’t call Adriana. He suggests that they each give up $25K of their commissions. They agree. Final commissions are over 90K.
MAKES ME WANNA HAVE A BEER SO I CAN CRY IN IT. NAH – I JUST WANNA BEER
Your turn, Gasmii! What do you think? Is Michael ever going to get laid? Is Ryan ever going to get a clue? Is Alexa an evil genius? I love to hear what you have to say, so spill it!
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