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Welcome to the Big Apple, Gasmii! Million Dollar Listing has moved to New York and wants us along for the ride! A little backstory before we begin, though. I DVR’d this show to watch at my leisure out of a sense of mild curiosity. The California version of this show was chock full of obnoxious characters, sprawling acreage, sunshine and pixie dust.
I was a little worried that the New York version was going to be more of the same. I needn’t have. Apparently, something about squashing millions of people into a few square miles of the most expensive city in the country tends to change
I watched, but no recap. Tick, tock…..crickets. I tried to let it go because I already have a Wednesday night show, but, when snark strikes it must not be ignored. I asked Flip if anyone was doing this show and he said I could make it my bitch (or vice versa – that remains to be seen). So here I am with two Wednesday shows and a case of cranberry vodka. Let’s see how this shakes out, shall we?
I am excited about dipping my delicate toe back into the reality waters, so let’s get started!
We open with a montage of our realtors saying that New York real estate is all in the sky. That hundreds of billions of dollars worth of property is stacked on top of each other, and that there are 25,000 realtors in the city trying to sell the comparatively few units up for sale each year.
Our hosts for the next few weeks are:
HOWDY DOODY MICHAEL LORBER
Details to come.
All the guys talk about making a deal as “a drug,” “a high,” and “sexy,” all the while twitching like Kim Kardashian outside of the Miami Dolphins’ locker room.
Ryan says that his motto is “expansion always in all ways.” Makes sense to me. Then, again, so does this:
In the meantime, Ryan waits for a box of brains to fly down and hit him on the head.
Michael says he is from a real estate family but he is the new kid on the block.
WHO WORKS REALLY HAARD (hey – it’s not easy finding a comfy pair of dock sandals – those little in-between-the-toe thingys can be a bitch)
Fredrik is doing his best Tommy Lee Jones impression as he calls himself “The Closer.” He says he is the best because he gives better head works harder than anyone else. Except Michael.
Fredrik is now doing his best Johnny Depp impression as he exits the shower
WHICH COULD BE SEXY EXCEPT FOR THAT FUBAR TATTOO
Fredrik is from Sweden. I love his hint o’ accent. Takes me back to childhood.
Now Freddi is doing his best Michael Jackson impression as he tells us that he has sold over one billion dollars in real estate in his career.
DOES THE TALENT NEVER END??
Now, Gasmii, I know I have not given you a good picture of Fredrik yet because this shit just kind of writes itself and he has given me so much fodder in the mere two minutes the show has been on. However, I do not want to me remiss, so..
I’M GONNA ADMIT, THIS SWEDE IS A BEAUTIFUL MAN
BUT KEEP IN MIND, “SWEDE” IS JUST ONE LETTER AWAY FROM THIS:
LEST WE GET CARRIED AWAY
Fredrik is moving to a new firm on Madison Avenue. He is berating his assistants, Justin and Kajsa. He tells them that they need to work 24/7 and get out of bed jumping up and down like he does. They nod their heads but their eyes are saying, “but we don’t have crabs.” He tells the camera that he does not tolerate laziness.
Cut to Michael. Michael lives on Park Avenue.
GETTING UP BEFORE 9AM IS HAARD
Michael’s dad is the chairman of the largest residential real estate firm in New York. Michael has “lived and breathed” real estate his whole life. What he has not lived or breathed, apparently, is fashion.
MICHAEL SHOPS AT “PUTZES R US”
Michael has a law degree and a masters degree but
since he found out that Daddy could get him on a TV show he has decided to follow in his dad’s footsteps and go into real estate. He says that he has “studied” real estate so he knows it “in theory.” Hmmm… this could get interesting.
Michael is having lunch with Dad. He says that his dad is very intimidating and is his boss. Michael says that Dad would probably be the first to fire him if he does something wrong. Let’s hold on to that thought, shall we?
Dad throws Michael a bone and tells him that there is a listing in the Tribeca Summit building that the in-house guy wants to reach out to an outside agent to help sell the last unit in the building.
Ryan tells us that New York real estate is dog-eat-dog and he has to be fighter. Since he did not come into real estate with any kind of “hook up,” he must use any means at his disposal to be successful.
WHICH APPARENTLY INCLUDES DENUDING YOUR ENTIRE BODY.
Ryan says he will do whatever it takes to get ahead. We see Ryan on a date with a really cute girl. He says, “I don’t have a lot of time so the quicker I can get you drunk the better it will be for the end game.” Yes. He. Did.
DID I MENTION RYAN HAS THIS TATTOOED ON HIS FOREHEAD?
Ryan is telling his assistant, Dina, that he had a date last night. She says she doesn’t care, but he insists on telling her. He can’t remember the chick’s name, but she was really hot and he doesn’t think she will be able to walk for days. I fell nauseous and I don’t think it is the vodka, y’all.
DINA IS EQUALLY IMPRESSED
Fredrik has a listing in Battery Park City at the Visionaire. “John” wants to sell his current apartment and buy a bigger one in the same building. John has an incredibly bad eye lift job and a demeanor that suggests that a jaunty reindeer sweater was probs not the way to go.
This is the view from John’s apartment
Here are some pics of John’s apartment:
It also has 24 hour concierge service, indoor sauna and pool, a private gym, and is one of the greenest buildings in the country. Oh. And it also has a $5,500.00 electric toilet that opens when you show it your ass. Good thing Ryan isn’t selling this unit because that sucker would be open 24/7!
IT ALSO HAS A REMOTE CONTROL!
John wants to sell the apartment for 2.3 million, but Fredrik suggests 2.2 million because there are empty units in the building selling for less. John tells him to go ahead, but he is not happy and …
DON’T FUCK IT UP
Ryan is listing Adrianna’s unit in Trump Plaza. He describes her as a “socialite/heiress,” which you and I, Gasmii, knows translates to “drunk/parasite.” She is also a “wasteful/hoarder.”
THIS IS WHAT IS IN THE THUMBPRINT-ACCESS “PANIC ROOM” – I GUESS HER CLOTHES HAVE ANXIETY ISSUES
THIS IS WHAT IS IN HER BATHROOM
Ryan tries to tell her to clean that shit up, but she is having none of it. He says he will show her his dimple if she cleans up. Adrianna throws up in her mouth a little and still refuses.
They settle on an asking price of 4.4 million.
Michael tells his driver to take him to the Tribeca apartment that he is co-listing. The unit is amazing.
Leonard, the listing agent, tells Michael that they are asking 3.75 million, and that if Michael brings in the buyer they will split the commission, but if Leonard brings it in Leonard will get all of the commission. This puts a fire under Michael’s butt to sell the place. Michael doesn’t feel that this will be much of a problem since h
e is riding daddy’s coattails has so many connections in the uptown world.
Fredrik has found John a bigger apartment on a higher floor of the Visionaire. Fredrik says that although most people wait to sell their old place before buying a new one, John has some
leftover hit money discretionary funds with which to buy right away.
Fredrik has to get the price down from 2.8 million. He offers 2.375 million. Fredrik tells the chubby builder’s agent that he did his homework and makes the agent admit that he sold one floor above for 2.4 million. Agent tells Fredrik that 2.4 million is the bottom line –$800,000 off of the original asking price. John will have none of it and refuses to go any lower, even 25 grand. Fredrik can’t believe he is about to lose the deal. When Chubs refuses to go any lower and Fredrik’s offer to fist him is rebuffed, Fredrik agrees to cut his commission by 25K in order to seal the deal.
FREDRIK EXPRESSES HIS DISPLEASURE WITH HIS BEST JOKER IMPRESSION
Fredrik walks away with a mere $72,000 commission. Boo. Hoo.
At the cafeteria, Ryan is having lunch with Bonnie, a potential client. He says that its all about getting
busy business, so everyday you can find him wining and dining potential clients.
IN NEW YORK CITY’S KLASSIEST WINING AND DINING VENUES
Fredrik happens by and tries to jack Ryan’s client. Fredrik tries to call Ryan’s ability as an agent into question by mentioning that Ryan came to New York to be an actor. Because I leave no stone unturned for you, dear Gasmii, I did my research. Ryan played Evan Walsh on As The World Turns.
HE ALSO HAD A STELLAR CAREER AS A HAND MODEL
Ryan counters that Fredrik, too, was an actor – IN GAY PORN! Fredrik admits it. Again, purely for you, Gasmii, I researched, Fredrik performed under the name of “Tag Eriksson.”
Fredrik gives the client his card “in case you want to actually sell the apartment and not just list it” – bwahahah! Ryan picks the card up off the table and pockets it. As he leaves Fredrik tells them to enjoy their fried food, saying it like they are eating raw leeches or my granny’s tripe surprise.
Michael is showing the Tribeca apartment, and his client LOVES it. It is perfect for herself and her two sons, and she wants it badly. They agree to make an offer after Michael promises to never get in bed with her again.
Fredrik is showing the Visionaire apartment to a buyer’s agent. John is in the apartment and almost ruins the deal by slamming the West Village where the buyer lives. However, the magic toilet overcomes all and the agent is going to recommend the place to his client.
Ryan pulls a “Hoarders” and surprises Adrianna with a professional organizer. The organizer is aghast at the shoe closet in the bathtub, and Adrianna argues that no one needs a bathtub when they have minions to lick them clean.
Fredrik is hearing from the potential buyer that he is willing to make an offer to the ever-flexible John that wants 2.2 million. The offer is 1.885 million. Rut Roh. Fredrik calls John and gives him the offer. John curses out “West Village bottom feeders” and tells Fredrik that he doesn’t know if that offer works for him. Fredrik offers to throw in two blow jobs and a three-way, but John says he has to think about it.
Fredrik decides to throw a broker’s open (an open house for brokers only) at John’s place. He has brought a “secret weapon” – his Swedish chef. They start singing Swedish cooking songs, and I have to admit it’s kinda cute.
“I HAVE SALTED FISH AND MORE SALTED FISH AND PUREED SALTED FISH – AY!”
Michael is arriving back to the city after having spent the weekend in Boston. He claims that living in the lap of luxury in the Big Apple is so stressful that he simply must retire to one of his houses in Boston or Nantucket or Miami for some R and R. Now that he is rested, Michael calls in the offer on the Tribeca apartment. Leonard informs him that he sold the place over the weekend so it is no longer available. Michael wonders if perhaps he should have phoned in the offer before he went away for the weekend. BWAHAHAHAH! Who in the hell ever thought it was a good idea not to call in an offer right away?? I have bought and sold twice and I know you can get calls at all hours and on any day of the week and, gee, I don’t have a law degree, masters degree, or a real estate license. I wonder if Daddy Michael is looking to adopt.
MORON, PARTY OF ONE, YOUR TABLE IS READY.
Only two people show up to the open house and Fredrik is panicking. John calls and he is preparing to tell him the bad news when John informs him that the building is threatening to evict him because of the strange fishy smell coming out of his apartment, so he has decided to take the previous offer. Then the sun bursts through the clouds to the sounds of a heavenly chorus as the perfect ironic moment happens:
THE SWEDISH PORN STAR CHOKES ON HIS BALLS!
Back a Ryan’s office, he gets a present with a card that says, “When I saw this I thought of you.” No signature. They open it, and…
VOILA! RYAN’S LONG LOST RELATIVE
I must find out who the chick is that sent this cause I want to hang out with her. I’d even share my Little Debbie’s and whipped cream vodka!
Michael breaks the news to his disappointed client that the apartment is under contract – failing to mention that he blew it by not making her offer. Wonder what Daddy’s going to say?
Well, Gasmii? What do you think? Are you intrigued by gay porn stars, hand models, and silver spoon fuck ups? Who do you love, hate, or love to hate?