Million Dollar Listing: Welcome to the BU, Bitch!

On this episode of Million Dollar Listing: Chad and Victoria are celebrating their one-year anniversary and he has a surprise for her. Madison hires a new assistant and goes on a blind date. Trust Fund (nee Josh Flagg) breaks the law, and no one’s surprised. Some houses are sold, some houses are not, and I may or may not have a new boyfriend.

If he ever returns my txts.

Guys, so sorry about the lateness with this one. I guarantee your fix will arrive on time from here on out. God willing. This one goes out to my newly engaged friends Jay and Jen, who bravely sat down and watched this show with me. Also, please note that although this is the second recap, this is the third episode. Got it? Good.

So Trust Fund had a good week, so he’s buying a bunch of crap with Grandma’s Gold Express card. Yeah, take advantage while you can, dude, since we all know that you’ll be getting arrested by the time this show airs! He drops over $8,000 on some clothes, which is totally reasonable. Ugh. Hate. So. Much.

No worries. My grandma invented the police in the sixties. I’m all good.

Mad, on the other hand, got some listings above the PCH. The people who live in the house he grew up in are now selling it. Those poor people are moving to the Midwest. The dollar stretches a lot more over there, so for the money they get from selling the house they could buy the state of Nebraska, flip it, and sell it for a small profit. Nebraska could totally use a fresh coat of paint, a Jacuzzi tub, and maybe some track lighting. Mad says hi to the people, and completely ignores their baby. Ooh, the house has a bidet! That’s so European. And gross. It’s called toilet paper, you commie bastards! They want to sell the house in 60 days. Mad tells them they could sell for about $2.6-2.8 million, and they agree on $2.795. Mad says goodbye to everyone but the baby. Commission? $83,850, or more money than any of you sorry a-holes will see in your lifetime.

Back to Chad’s hair. Chad has an appointment with Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie! Oh, wait, it’s just Suzan. Which is pronounced “Sooz-anne,” which is completely ridiculous. She’s the ex-wife of the guy who invented Herbalife, so if you took it and got lead poisoning, then cancer, and/or your baby came out with three arms and no sphincter you know who to thank. Suzan wants a house to lease for the summer, on the sand by some killer waves cuz her son loves to surf. She wants a house in “The Colony,” like the one in the movie “The Village,” so she can go back to life as it was 200 years ago in the middle of modern-day New York City. Oh, did I spoil the movie for you? Well, here’s another one: the movie sucks ass. Actually The Colony is a section of Malibu, but Chad’s hair says that it fills up fast in the summer, and it’s “75, 80ish (thousand)” to rent. Dude, my first apartment? $65.00 a month. I shit you not. And yeah, it was government housing. Suck on that, Suzan! Anyway, Suzan is like, completely shocked at the rental price. Good to know that even rich people like a good deal, although it’s not the same as us poor people, to whom a deal is the $1 double cheeseburger from McDonald’s. Why does Chad always talk like he’s reading from a cue card? Probably because he is.

Tonight, the role of Suzan will be played by Jennifer Coolige. Thank you.

Meanwhile, Mad is looking for a new assistant. The first girl, Martina, says that a.) She’s not familiar with Malibu, and b.) Is “an artist at heart and needs to have time for dancing and such.” Way to ace the interview, Martina. Next! Hey, Heather Locklear is applying for the job! Man, she looks bad. Oh, wait. It’s just Betsy, who says that her worst skill is that she’s disorganized. She might as well have said that she tends to poop her pants sporadically. Next. Ashley, who looks a lot like Leah from The Real World Paris (let’s hope she’s not as needy or psycho), says that she is organized and structured but can be flexible. Her weakness is that she expects too much from people. Ding ding ding! This girl knows how to give good interview. I always say that I’m too hard on myself when I make mistakes, because I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly and is done correctly. People eat that crap up with a spoon. And now I will never be hired by anyone ever again. Mad wants to hire her and call her right now! But he’s learned in the past not to be desperate. Which is probably why he’s single. So he calls at the end of the day instead. Oh my gosh! Ashley is so excited! Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! I so do not care!

Back to Chad. What happened to Trust Fund? Do the producers now hate him as much as the rest of America? We can only hope. Chad’s one-year anniversary with Victoria is coming up, and he’s bringing his mom with him to go jewelry shopping. Now, close your eyes and imagine what Chad’s mom would look like. Now open them. She looks exactly how you pictured her. Chad’s mom, Cathy, brings in a $400,000 necklace. She got the chain tangled up, and just didn’t know what to do. She also brings her shoes to shoe-repair places so someone can untie them. Chad blahs on about his anniversary. He picks one out because it looks like a butterfly, and Victoria likes butterflies. And probably unicorns and ponies. Cathy, prodded by the producers to add a bit of drama into this scene, asks Chad if he’s thinking about getting engaged. Wha? Chad confused!

Wow. It takes most people until at least 40 to officially become their mothers.

Dr. Gershman, and his 13-going-on-30 daughter, Elizabeth, are with Trust Fund, looking for houses. Elizabeth needs a bigger bedroom, to which the obvious solution is buying a new house. Dang! I never even got my own phone! Or television! Although, we did have a Nintendo and a cat who constantly took craps in our pantry. R.I.P. Inky. They tour a house. It’s expensive. You can’t afford it. It’s been on the market for four months, which just isn’t cool, Trust Fund tells us. Dr. Gershman and his weird wife-child leave the house. Elizabeth says that it’s just too small for the asking price. Trust Fund actually says, “I don’t really enjoy going house to house with clients.” Well, thank god, because as a real estate agent, that never comes up.

He asks them if they have time to see something, a house that he doesn’t even know if it’s available. Inept, thy name is Trust Fund. They pull up to the mansion, and the gate is locked with a big padlock and chain. So what does Trust Fund do? He climbs through a side gate, therefore trespassing, therefore breaking the law, and therefore surprising no one. Elizabeth thinks this so cool and breaks in as well. She’s going to blog about it on her Facebook page! Add her as a friend so you can read about it! The mansion is unlocked. Apparently, someone thought the padlock would be enough, but they weren’t counting on the douchebaggery of one Joshua Flagg, heir to the polyester pantsuit fortune. The house has 8 effing bathrooms, which would prompt even the family on Eight is Enough to say, “Eight bathrooms? Isn’t that a little excessive?” This house is oddly half-furnished, as if the rapture had come and taken the family, along with everyone else except those who are involved with this show. Dr. Gershman likes the house, but since Elizabeth wears the Capri pants in the family, he must consult with her first. She likey! So, Trust Fund now has to actually do work and stuff and call people to find out what the deal is with the house. I’m sure he’ll get all the proper information and relay it in a very moral way to Dr. Gershman.

There was nothing in that house to steal. Whatevs people are just trying to make me look bad. That curtain rod was in my car before I even showed up. Jeeze.

Mad is networking, which is his only social life right now, he tells us. He’s in a bar frequented by real estate people. Chad, who I’m sure DID NOT get a text message from the producers saying that Madison is in a club and that he IS NOT contractually obligated to show up, enters the club. He and Mad chew the fat. I think they actually get along, which is nice. Chad tells Mad that he has 2 units in Sierra Towers, and that Trust Fund called and asked him if he could show a unit. But Chad had to tell Trust Fund that his client, Ron Richards, refused to work with Trust Fund. Awesome. I bet Dr. Sam (from ep 1) told all his clients that the only thing Trust Fund is selling is bullshit. And who enters the club next? The group Los Del Rio, famous for their late ’90s hit “Macarena!” No, not really. It’s Trust Fund. Now, normally I’m on the fence with Chad because of his hair and the fact that he comes across as having the personality of aluminum foil (the dull side, not the shiny side). But as soon as he sees Trust Fund he’s all, “Yeah, I have a meeting with Ron Richards at the Sierra Towers. You know Ron, right?” Suck on it, Trust Fund! Mad interviews that it’s just better not to get involved in shit like that. Wimp.

Hey, remember Suzan? She wanted the cheap Malibu place for the summer? Well, Chad’s showing her a place that’s only $45,000 a month. There’s actual sand on the roof. Ooh, beachy. And ludicrous. Suzan passes on the house.

Mad’s having a broker’s open at the house he used to live in. It’s Ashley’s first broker’s open, and she fucks up by not asking someone to sign the registry. Oh no! The guy completely missed entering the raffle for the free Subway foot long! His loss. And there’s a pointless montage of Ashley asking people to sign in. People look at the house. It’s nice, but a lot of people don’t like it because it’s three levels. And you have to climb stairs to get to all of them. People in L.A. just don’t have time to climb stairs! They want to get there, like now! Whatever – it’s the maid’s and nanny’s job to climb the stairs anyway. That’s what you pay them for. Well, that and cleaning while you read Us Weekly and giving your kids the affection you just don’t have time for. There’s also no backyard, just a back porch. A couple of ladies, who I so hope are lesbians because they look really, really good together and seem so super nice, compliment the views. No one wants to buy the house, because climbing stairs is for poor people.

I’m already exhausted.

Trust Fund goes up to Dr. Gershman, who is building a ranch for his daughter. Again -No phone! And I had to go down to the basement bathroom to shower! Trust Fund says he has bad news about the house: the owner was arrested. Dr. Gershman asks if it was drugs or something and if people will be breaking in. Trust Fund says he’s sure it was financial and that there will be no “gang bangers” coming up to the door. Yeah, you can trust him. It’s not like he’s the type of person who breaks into people’s . . . oh, wait. So, the government has seized the house, and is asking $5.3 million. Trust Fund says they should offer $4.5 million. Dr. Gershman says he trusts Trust Fund. I say Dr. Gershman is an idiot. Dr. Gershman signs the contracts that Trust Fund already had printed up. Not shady. Not shady at all.

Back to Chad’s hair and Suzan. Chad enlists the help of Mad to help him find Suzan’s summer dream home, which is sweet. There’s nothing special about this house – okay, the plasma TV that comes out of the ceiling is cool – but of course since it’s in Malibu, it’s $45,000 a month. Even though it looks like your aunt’s house in Des Moines. Suzan passes on the house because the waves outside aren’t surfable, and her son needs that. Fascinating.

Chad soothes his real estate blues by buying shoes. He tries on some black shoes and actually says, “Once you go black . . .” You know the rest. You stopped saying it ten years ago, and you certainly wouldn’t say it to the salesgirl who’s clearly African American. She’s all, “Stop!” And in the next scene, as my friends Jen and Jay pointed out, another salesgirl is seen helping Chad. I’m imaging the former salesgirl went up to the new one and was all, “Fuck commission. You can deal with this dude.” The new salesgirl blahs on about some shoe that was made in Italy which Chad falls in love with, causing Chad’s hair to become extremely jealous and self-conscious. Another broker, Sandro (who’s real name is probably Phil), enters and gives Chad the skinny on some Malibu house that’d be just perfy for Suzan. Chad’s shoe total? $627.85, or the entire value of every shoe in a Payless store.

No, asshole. We don’t have anything in the color of curry.

Meanwhile, at Trust Fund & Grandma’s, Dr. Gershman calls. Trust Fund complains that Dr. Gershman calls him all the time about the house. Phone call montage time!

Suzan pulls up to the house; Sandro and Chad are there to show her around. Suzan likey, because it’s right on the ocean. On the inside, the house looks like your uncle’s house in Evanston. But since it’s in Malibu, it’s $75,000 a month. Oh, completely doable for you – if you and 124 of your friends want to split it and pay $600 a month. Oh yeah, bitches – I did the math. Suzan thinks it’s a lot of money for about 3 seconds but leases it anyway. Now her son can surf. Hey, he should call Elizabeth Gershman! They can, like, hang out and complain about how much they have to pay people to carry them up flights of stairs! And junk! Facebook!

Mad says that now he has an assistant he has more time for a social life/dating. As Madison showers, he . . . oh my. Oooooh my. So nice. Anyway, while Madison showers and I adjust my BVDs, he voiceovers that sexuality “is an open thing” for him, and he’s “open to both men and women.” Yeah, Mad? Pretty sure men is the option for ya. His friends set him up on a blind date – they invited this person to the dinner party Mad is hosting. The doorbell rings, and guess who it is? It’s Jaleel White, better known as Steve Erkel on ABC’s hit sitcom “Family Matters!” Nah, just teasin’. It’s his date, Erin. Erin is a guy. And no, it’s not “Aaron,” and yes, Erin knows that the way his name is spelled is “the girl’s way,” so just shut up about it because it’s annoying.

Really, really bad time to advertise for text messaging rates, jerks.

Erin is so cute, like Jim from The Office with darker, higher hair. Mad’s friends, lacking any form of tact, keep asking Mad and Erin how it’s going, and how they feel right now. Rude. At the end of the night, Mad walks Erin to the door, and Erin asks if they’ll see each other again. Mad says that they didn’t really click, and asks Erin if he felt it. Erin says that he did, but Mad says he didn’t feel anything. Erin says, “Wow, honesty hurts,” and between that and the look on his face I just feel the need to hug him. You know, while Erin and I are naked. So sad! And although I think Madison is kind of an idiot for not giving Erin another chance, I will say that I’m glad he’s being honest and up front. Mad says they can still be friends, and Erin says that would be good. Yeah, because I always want to remain friends with someone who rejected me on a cable TV show. Erin looks like he’d be really, really good at making out, so it’s Madison’s loss, if you ask me.

Since this episode is all about relationships, we see Chad and Victoria on their way to Palm Springs, which is where Erin and I are also planning to spend our one year anniversary, where he will propose to me and tell me that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. They get spa treatments and drink booze in the pool, which is pretty much the best thing ever, if you ask me. To quote the fabulous Grace Adler, “I swear, swimming any other way than drunk is just stupid.” At night, they’re in some open-air bungalow thing. Chad says that he’s been thinking about their relationship, and then he asks her to . . . move in with him. Chad’s hair is now freaking the fuck out, and later Chad will lock himself in the bathroom, stare in the mirror, stroke his hair and say, “Oh, baby, you’ll always be my number one. You know that, right? You know I love you, baby. You know I do. Wanna brush? Yeah? There you go . . .” Victoria interviews that her parents are divorced so it makes her more cautious in relationships. But I guess she says yes? She says, “I love you,” so I guess that means she’s moving in. I don’t know.

I’ll move in on two conditions. 1. You never take that sweatband off. Ever. 2. You actually look at me once or twice when I take off my clothes.

Meanwhile, Trust Fund calls Dr. Gershman to let him know he got the house. However, Dr. Gershman will have to pay a little more, because the government requires that people pay at least 80% of the value of seized property. I would think something like that would be on the real estate test, but since Trust Fund paid someone else to take it for him, I can understand how he wouldn’t know that before he asked Dr. Gershman to sign the contracts. Gotta cut him some slack, peeps. The commission is about $112,000. As Trust Fund hangs up the phone, he says, “I. Am a dreamweaver.” Ah, so he’s the one Gary Wright had in mind when he wrote that song. I’ve always wondered.

The obnoxious purple logo at the bottom of the screen tells us it’s three days later, all of which Trust Fund spent rolling around in $100 bills on his bed while knocking back bottles of Cristal, while his Grandma writes her autobiography entitled, “Polyester: I Completely Brought It Over From Germany and If You Don’t Believe Me You Can Suck It.” The inspector comes over to inspect Dr. Gershman’s new house. He does inspector-y things. On the roof, the inspector sees many screws and says that the people put Christmas decorations up there. Each one of those screws went through the roof. And here comes the best part of the show: Trust Fund says, “Well that was very intelligent, wasn’t it.” The inspector, clearly unfamiliar with a little thing called sarcasm, says in complete seriousness, “No.” As if Trust Fund has just said the most ludicrous thing in the world. Okay, it doesn’t sound funny when you’re reading it, but trust me, it’s funny. At least the first time. You can get off the edge of your seat and stop biting your nails – the house is fine. Whee.

Madison, on the other hand, is having problems with the Horrible House of Three Levels of Stairs. No one wants to buy. He tells them to lower the price, they agree. Oh, thank god!

Commercials. There’s royal jelly in L’Oreal shampoo now? Do you really want wasp barf in your hair? I know I don’t. And we’re back. Chad brings some pretty flowers in a pretty vase over to Suzan’s new casa as a house-warming gift. She takes them outside and opens up the enclosed card from Chad. It says, “Have a wonderful summer in the BU.” Suzan doesn’t know what that means. I figured out after a couple seconds that “the BU” comes from “MaliBU.” Sure enough, by the time I’ve stopped caring if I’m right or not, Chad confirms this.

Finally. I can get some sun!

Back at Dr. Gershman’s new house, Trust Fund comes over for a brandy to celebrate. They talk about being friends. The camera cuts out, but the deleted scene of Trust Fund asking Dr. Gershman if he can score some sweet pharmaceuticals will be on the DVD. And that’s it.

Stay tuned next week for more shenanigans from those crazy kids. Will Victoria agree to a threeway with Chad and his hair? Will Madison reject another completely cute and affable dude? Will Trust Fund do anything that makes him seem one iota of likeable? Will Erin come to Chicago and fall in love with me? Will anything interesting happen? The answers: Probably. Probably. No. Definitely. And, I sure as hell hope so.