Million Dollar Listing: THE SUSPENSE! How Will it All End? So Many Possibilitiezzzzzzzzzzzzz

This week on Million Dollar Listing: Chad and Trust Fund fight like 7th grade girls. Madison tries to sell some land. Chad finds a house for a family friend and his mom creeps me out. Trust Fund spends time with granny and attempts to make the biggest sale of his life. In the end, all will deal with personal demons. I, for one, am just glad this train wreck of a show has finally ended.

This is how everyone should dress when they visit their grandma.

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! It’$ the la$t epi$ode of Million Dollar Li$ting! How excited are we?! Let’s get this bitch on the road.

Chad’s trying to close a deal on a house for Judith, a “social and political activist” who is “independently wealthy from an inheritance.” Meaning, “Judith wrote one check to a breast cancer fund last year and hasn’t had a job since 1982.” I’m just guessing. Judith wants some $6 million house, and she tells Chad that she’s not going to be expressive because she doesn’t want the sellers to know how much she wants the house. In an interview, Judith seems like she’s not going to be expressive because, in reality, she just took a couple Valium.

Irene, another agent, greets Chad and Judith in the living room. Stupid, stupid house showing music. Because some of you bastards have stated you don’t actually watch the show, I’m planning on putting this music on a loop and attaching it to this recap. It will play over and over, and you will feel the intense pain I’ve felt for these past 5 episodes. The house has lots of light and a . . . oh, no one cares. Chad says Judith fell in love with the house a couple years ago when it was $2 million less. Chad tells Judith that if she wants the house, she has to make an offer at the listing price and blah escrow blah. So, Judith’s going to pony up $6,695,000. Chad says she’s a first-time home buyer. Seriously?

I’M TIRED OF RENTING! Throwing breast cancer galas in a studio apartment is seriously embarrassing.

Trust Fund. He sleeps with a face mask. And with boys, as hutchlover pointed out in the comments! Although he prefers a moving vehicle for that kind of stuff. Aw, still depressed. And as I’ve pointed out before, he always sounds like he has a cold. Maybe allergies? Some Claritin will clear that right up, Josh. Your other problems? Not so easy to solve. Miguel, an “artist,” sends a limo to pick up Trust Fund and take him to his house. Both Miguel and the house apparently live in Miami Vice circa 1985. Gross. Like every single client of Trust Fund’s, Miguel has an accent. Miguel wants to build some stupid house with a discotheque. So, Trust Fund needs to find a lot for Miguel’s Euro Trash Disco House. Do the hustle!

Curtains. Read up.

Madison. Remember when we all thought Madison was slightly more interesting than the others because he had that weird bi-sexual thing? Ah, memories — light the corner of my mind. Not any more. This show is like a rice cake, bland and awkward to eat. Mad hit a milestone – his first double digit listing for $15 million. Whee. Apparently, some “celebrity” wants to sell 22 acres of land. I bet it’s Carrot Top. Dude is ugly as sin and funny as tree bark, but I bet he’s pretty shrewd when it comes to business. Ashley and Mad meet Simon, a British photographer, who takes photos of the property. Potential commission? $300,000. And you know what I’m eating this week? Hot dogs. Not even the all beef kind – the kind made from chicken, pork, turkey, and god knows what else. Because that’s all I can afford. Meanwhile, these effing bastards are taking baths in caviar, drinking Cristal, and buying hairless cats. And you know what, you stupid ‘Bu bastards? Being a realtor looks really easy. If Marge Simpson and Francine Smith can do it, than anyone can. So suck on that.

Back to Chad who is . . . Lord help us, being photographed as some hot real estate person for some lame real estate magazine or something. Oh, look Madison is there too. Think Trust Fund will show up? Do you care? Yeah, he shows up late and looking like shit. Par for the course, buddy! Par for the course. Trust Fund sits in the make up chair, and the make-up artist does her thing. But how will she cover up the ugliness on the inside, Josh? Make yourself pretty on the inside, and the outside will catch up. That’s just something we beautiful people say to ugly people to give them hope. It’s not true, though. Not at all. Look at Courtney Love. Oh, snap!

Exhibit B

Trust Fund talks about Chad’s lips and how they’re unnaturally gray. Hee. Then Chad says something about how he only sees two hip, young real estate agents. Chad? Leave the quips to the gay ones, okay? You just focus on your hair not moving. At all. Ever. We again flashback to when Chad told Trust Fund about his client not wanting to meet with Trust Fund. Madison just laughs and says to Chad, “You’re so angry!” Which is kind of funny. Madison’s neutral, like Switzerland. Like a bi-curious, cute-man-dumping Switzerland. Chad does look extremely pale and gray-lipped. Oh, for the love of – the photographer actually says, “Don’t be afraid to work it you guys, because you are powerful, you are sexy, you are hot real estate agents in greater Los Angeles.” Well, none out of three ain’t bad.

The three amigos meet with the writer of the article about the “young, hot, real estate agents.” Trust Fund appears to take everything Chad says personally. The interviewer asks, “You guys keep saying this is hard work. What is so hard about it?” Ha! Trust Fund says nothing and just looks pissed because that’s how they wanted it edited this week. Anyway, it takes them awhile to answer the question. It’s not interesting though. Chad says that you have to put aside differences to work with other agents. Trust Fund is all, “Say whaaatt?!” Ugh, Chad brings up the whole thing with Trust Fund AGAIN and we’re treated to that stupid flashback AGAIN. Also, that was really petty and immature of Chad to bring up. Madison interviews (not to the magazine guy, but to the camera) that he knew “shit was going to hit the fan.” Which is sort of an exaggeration at this point. There’s not really “shit” hitting the fan. It’s more like a light fart wafted its way over. Trust Fund says that he didn’t know Chad’s client, Chad says he did and has 35 emails from Trust Fund to Chad’s client, and Trust Fund wants to see just one of them. Just one! You know what I’d like to see? The closing credits. Madison looks uncomfortable, the writer looks amused, and I look for the oven so I can stick my head in it. Chad and Trust Fund bicker like 7th graders in front of the Malibu magazine guy. Madison, being the only one of the three with a good (and darn attractive) head on his shoulders, interviews that it’s embarrassing being with Chad and Trust Fund because they’re being completely unprofessional. Word.

At least he wore his Joel Grey from Cabaret makeup. That’s fun.

Okay, so Chad breaks out a little briefcase bag and suspiciously has all the emails from Trust Fund to his client already produced. But here’s the deal – it was dusk during the interview and now it’s full on night, so Bravo must have intercepted and made Chad print them out. Bad Bravo! Madison just laughs at the two a-holes, and rightfully so. Chad produces a couple emails from Trust Fund to Chad’s client, and Trust Fund is all, “I remember this schmuck.” Chad is all, “You lied to me, Josh!” Oh, lordy. Trust Fund says, “You’re just jealous because I’ve sold more houses than you and I’m only 22.” And also, Chad, um, you’re jealous of his Trapper Keeper, the one with Zac Efron on the cover, and um, of his ass because, yeah, yours is like, all flat and crap, and Josh’s is like, all nice and junk. So there. Madison, like the 4 people watching this show, is just deliciously horrified at how immature these two dicks are being.

So, Trust Fund set Miguel up with Madison, who shows him the land for his Wacky House of Mystery. Miguel is not impressed because there’s no city lights or an ocean view and someone’s already doing construction on it. Which is moot, because they’re trying to sell the property, and I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to keep building on land that you’re about to sell. But maybe that’s how they do things in Europe. Trust Fund tells Miguel that there’s not much land out there in Beverly Hills, 90210. I bet Miguel’s feet smell really bad. Plus, Miguel, dude, you’re an “artist.” Shouldn’t you be buying a huge loft in a sketchy part of town?

Bono’s twin brother Mono. Kiss him and reap the rewards for one to six months.

Meanwhile, Judith is meeting Chad and his mom at his mom’s condo. Chad’s mom spreads icing on a cake, and yells to the maid, “Look at me, Maria! I’m frosting a pie with this . . . what do you call it? Is this a fork? I think it’s a fork, Maria!” To which Maria just sighs, shakes her head and replies, “I see you, Mrs. Chad! Good for you!” Ay, dios mio. Chad’s mom is . . . a little left of center. Chad hashes out the details with Judith. Potential commission? $167,375. Then Chad yells, “Mom! We’re ready for some cake!” It’s red velvet cake. I have a funny story about red velvet cake, and you’re going to sit there and listen to it, because I have put up with this shit for more than a month now.

Okay. So, when I was a sophomore or so in high school, my mom made a red velvet cake on Christmas Eve. Now, I loved red velvet cake more than anything in the world, and consequently, I ate pretty much ¾ of the cake all by myself, throughout the course of the evening. Bad idea. Everything that came out of me that night (at either end) was red. All red. And I was so sick that I was lying on the basement floor watching “The Greatest Story Ever Told” and I didn’t even care. Since then, I just can’t eat it. Ever. Even at a wedding. Huh. I guess that’s not really a funny story. But it sure helped pass the time! Chad shovels cake in his mouth as his mother tells Judith that not only will she have cake, but their hearts and love and help throughout her journey as well. Grab the cake and run, Judith!

Why does this whole family insist on hiding their foreheads? What’s under those bangs? It’s killing me not to know. Tune in for season 2!

Commercials. Man, I really want to see “The Women.” Screw Meg Ryan – I love me some Debra Messing. Even enough to forgive her for “The Wedding Date.” Yeowza. Awww, back to the show already? Darn. I was enjoying the commercials. Oh, shit, I hope I don’t have to recap “Real Housewives of Atlanta” next. Although, recapping a day in the life of my cat Jimbo would be more interesting than this piece of turd Bravo calls “entertainment.” So bring it on, TVGasm. Bring it on.

Stop stalking Judith, cake!

Trust Fund says he likes to negotiate deals, but is hating the biz. So he’s heading to New York to have some fun with . . . his grandma. So they’re in New York, having coffee, discussing Miguel and the real estate business. Then they take a carriage ride through Central Park. Trust Fund’s grandma is a typical grandma – she’s all, “Everyone says you’re talented.” Yeah, um . . . no. But they are very sweet together, and Trust Fund says, “I love you,” and grandma says, “I love you, Josh. You’re my baby.” Aw!

I’m so glad I invented you.

Back to Chad. Time for inspection on Judith’s new house. The verdict is pretty bad. Apparently there’s no air-conditioning in the house. Everyone acts surprised, but here’s a clue: If you don’t see any vents, there’s probably not any a/c, you freaking Einsteins! I would say that maybe the inspector means that the a/c just doesn’t work, but he said he didn’t find any air conditioning. Anywhere.

Madison is showing the land to two other agents for their clients. They are unsure of the view. After all: The view. Is everything. Madison’s frustrated because he’s not selling the property as quickly as he’d like. Then Madison talks about Lauren – not bat-shit crazy Lauren, his ex-girlfriend Lauren – and about how he’s still in love with her. He calls her on his cell phone while driving, which I’m pretty sure is illegal in California. And if not, it should be.

Chad calls Judith to give her the 411 on the a/c and estimate situation. The total estimate of all the work needing to be done on the house is $151,500. She tells Chad to go ahead and call Irene to ask her clients to take that amount off the price, as well as the cost of the air conditioning. Irene thinks that sounds high, but will go back to the seller with that info. Thrilling. Irene calls back and tells Chad that the seller said no. Chad calls Judith, then Chad calls Irene and says the rock bottom offer is $100,000 off and payment for a/c before the end of escrow. Chad paces in his office. Irene calls. Chad calls Judith. Again. I guess the seller said yes to the $100,000 off, but no to the a/c installation. He said he’d rather knock another $29,500 off the asking price instead. Judith says okay! Judith’s getting the house! No one cares! No one’s watching this show! Chad makes the hole in the ozone layer larger by spraying his hair with Aqua-Net.

I credit that delicious cake!

Back in NYC, Trust Fund poses on a rock by some buildings in Central Park. I wish Woody Allen and Diane Keaton were sitting on a bench a few feet away so they could mock him. Trust Fund is ready to head back to L.A. He calls Miguel on the phone. Exhilirating.

Okay, so now that we’re done with business, it’s personal relationship time. First, we have Chad and Victoria. Victoria just got a job, and Chad just got a new car. Victoria asks, “Why do you have this?” Dude, they are SO not going to last. I give it two months before she breaks up with Chad and starts dating a broke-ass but very sweet and gentle sculptor/performance artist. And I bet they move in together after dating for only a month. And I bet she will be the happiest she’s ever been. Oh. Chad just rented the car. Well, that’s practical. Much more practical than I thought. I stand by my Victoria scenario, though. They drive to the beach, and Vic asks about the whole moving in thing. Chad asks her if she still wants to move in with him. She says that she wants him to move in with her. He interviews that he just wants her to be happy and comfortable, and if that means moving into her place, that’s fine. Which is kind of sweet and thoughtful. So, there’s a happy ending. For a month.

Mad’s been thinking a lot about his life and work, and he invited Lauren over for lunch. He wants to get some closure and become friends. Lauren asks about Mad’s personal life and if he’s seeing anyone. Which he’s not, because he passed on Erin, who was so cute and nice. Lauren says she’s still with her boyfriend of three years. I really like Lauren, and I think that if you took her laid-back and sunny personality and put it into someone with less boobs and more penis, then Madison would have the perfect mate. They chuckle. Mad says he needs to let go of having a relationship with her and just focus on being friends. Lauren asks what led him to that. He just wants to be open. Or something. He goes on to say that he likes women, but he likes men too. And he throws in words like “emotional,” and “dichotomy.” In letting go of the thought of possibly being in a relationship with Lauren, he’s ready for whatever the future brings. So, there’s a happy ending. For . . . well, Madison’s really mature, so it’s probably for ever after.

The “let’s just be friends” face. Way to let her down easy.

Chad gives Judith the key to her new house. And he’s ready to celebrate with Vic in a big way.

Trust Fund has a lead for Miguel’s House of Usher. Hey, Trust Fund and I have the same macbook! Macs rule, bitches! The property is right above the house that Miguel is living in now. Miguel says it’s a “sexy property,” which is something only Euro Trash would say. Oh, you guys, this show is almost over! I’m so excited! Trust Fund tells us that the house Miguel is building will be “off the hook,” and everything, including a “dishwasher that will jerk you off.” Take the steak knives out first. That’s all I’m sayin. Miguel likes the property, and asks how much it will be worth. Trust Fund estimates that he could get $100 million for the house and property when the House on Haunted Hill finally gets built. Shit. I thought this was it for the show. But no, this ship refuses to sink.

Commercials. I’m sure Ricky Gervais’s new movie will be funny, but he just really creeps me out. He’s just creepy.

And we’re back. Mad drives down the highway as Chad and Victoria get into a helicopter. Chad says he’s successful for who he is, not what he does. Madison says that timing is divine and that he can’t plan for it. He’ll sell the land eventually, but for now he’s going to enjoy life and live in the moment and be grateful for what he has. Miguel agrees to buy the land. Trust Fund lies in a voiceover that real estate isn’t about making money for him. He has money. “I just like the art of making a deal.” And, also, stealing art from people and giving a hummer to some dude in the back seat of his BMW. So, the land is sold for $30,000,000. It sure took a lot of sad clown paintings for Miguel the “artist” to make that much money. Potential commission? A whopping $750,000. What. The. Fuck. I’d be pissed about that, but I can’t be because I’m just so happy this abortion of a show is over!

I love you so much when I can’t hear your nasal drone.

Next week on Million Dollar Li$ting: Who cares?! The show’s not on anymore! We’re free, people! Free! And if Satan and Bravo agree on a third season, please don’t tell TVGasm – I need what’s left of my sanity.

****Note from the Editor: Hypnotoad will be doing this season’s Desperate Housewives recaps, so check back the week of Sept 28th. And thanks for the laughs, Hypno! WE LOVE YOU!