Millionaire Matchmaker: Bettin’ on Bimbos

Wow, is it Tuesday already?  Did you forget how to find love?  No worries, Patti Stanger’s gotcha covered.  But only if you’re a millionaire!  Follow me!!

The random opening this week is lots of fun, because we get to meet Patti’s parents AND her sister!  Whoa!  Patti was NOT spontaneously hatched from a pod!  And her sister, while blonde and considerably thinner, really does look something like her.  It’s in the eyes.  Go watch OnDemand–you’ll see.  (Bravo didn’t give me a pic to steal, sorry.) Patti’s parents are fun people, too.  Her mom tells of running into Tori Spelling while at dinner the other night.  Elephant-Man-Face apparently asked Mrs. Stanger if Patti learned everything she knew about matchmaking from her mom, and Mom said, “Yes, she learned everything from me, but her mouth.”  Patti’s somehow embarrassed by this, though I’m not sure why.  She doesn’t seem like the apologetic type.   Her dad loves it, though, when she talks about penises.  So does my dad.  (I’m not joking.  They were out and about on Halloween with my aunt, saw someone dressed in a 6-ft penis costume, and said, “Take a picture and send that to SexyPanda!”  My own parents.  Love it.)

Not my parents, and no one’s in a penis costume. (I must’ve deleted it already.) Instead, here’re Patti’s parents!

It’s morning at the office.  Patti and her sheath dress arrive, ready to rock the busy day.  Rachel and Destin are hard at work, but they stop long enough to view the quick DVD intros of this week’s millionaires.

First is Beth, a professional poker player with homes in Philly (represent!) and NYC.  She’s also got a huge shoe collection and a fresh divorce (six months ago, following a 12-year marriage).  She’s really pretty, but she speaks slooooowly in a whiny tone.  It’s strange. Basically, Beth feels like she’s got it all, except the love stuff.  Patti commiserates.

Destin introduces the other guy for this week, Sean (Shaun?).  (I’ll let you know once we get the official intro caption.)  Destin refers to Sean as a misogynist, mispronouncing the word.  (Mis-OGG…, not mis-AHJJJ….)  Sean’s a swell chap, looking for an Asian girlfriend to serve him.  Isn’t that precious?  Oh, then he tells us about $2 hoes and $20 hoes, explaining that he wants a $2 ho on the first date.  How sweet.  His teeth are ugly, and he’s little and bald.  Good luck, Sean!  (If he had an AWESOME personality, no one would care how much hair he had or height he didn’t have.  But he seems to be an ass! So short and bald jokes, it is!)  Did I mention the teeth?

Patti assaults poor Deshawne in the car with her inane drivel, week after week.  This week, it’s to ask him if any of his friends are obnoxious misogynists.  Deshawne informs us that those kinds of guys are the ones with the most to prove, so she should go full steam to knock his block off.  Yay, Deshawne!

Time to meet Sean for reals.  Sean Hull, that is.  Let’s see what Google says. Eh, nothing scandalous.  He works in web development and Oracle.  Whatever.  He’s 41 and whiny and sickly looking.  Patti greets him with disdain.  He lives in some swanky condo building in Chelsea Piers.  He wears big black socks while climbing a rock wall. (Rock climbers–is that a “gear” thing or a “bad fashion” thing?)

Patti and Sean sit down to chat.  She immediately goes after the Asian element, and Sean smiles nervously. She asks why he thinks they’re subservient.  And why they should date him, since he’s short and bald and not that great.  OUCH!  He says, “I’m big enough,” which Patti takes to mean his schlong.  So to make this as awkward as possible, it turns into a conversation where he says he’s got a big one, and she wants him to measure it.  Nice.  (Also, I recognize her tactics well, because they are sometimes my own.  I’m a tall woman with a sharp mind, and that can be intimidating.  When I think my intimidation is working, and I WANT it to work, I really turn it on full blast, which would lead to me–or Patti–asking a complete strange about how big his penis is, asking for measurements.  Because, MAN, is that aggressive and scary.  And that can be fun if you want to scare someone.)

“Cuz I bet mine’s bigger than yours.”

Okay, in all seriousness, what’s Sean’s love story?  Well, it’s short, just like him.  See, he’s never been in love.  And his longest relationship was six months.  HOW do you get to be 41 years old and not love someone, ever??  I call bullshit on this, and without giving away the end, I’m right about the bullshit.

Patti asks the “Why love now?” question, and Sean doesn’t seem to have a great answer.  He just wants help hooking up where he’s apparently failing.  And regarding the misogyny?  He thinks that Asian women “don’t know” about feminism.  Oh, really?  And even if they don’t, that’s OKAY?  Because, my dear, YOU know about feminism.  And if you choose to avoid it because you think the woman attached to the little Asian vagina you want to plunder doesn’t know about it, then you’re a true asshole, deep down to the core.

Now it’s time to meet Beth.  She’s coming into the office to meet with Patti.  But first her official intro.  Beth Shak, professional poker player and aviator shades-wearer.  She earns “an extraordinary living” playing poker, and then spends a lot of time with charities.  Aww.  That’s great. (SHE has a Wikipedia page AND her own website.)  She has a shoe collection Carrie Bradshaw would envy, and drives a car a SexyPanda would envy (an Aston Martin).

Sitting down with Patti, she explains that she’s just always been unlucky in love, not making the right choices.  Patti asks about being cheated on, and Beth confirms that at least one guy has cheated on her.  Another guy wasn’t there for her when she had surgery, and to her, that’s even worse than cheating.  So, Patti knows she needs to find a man’s man for Beth, someone she can’t mother and smother into being subservient.  Someone who puts her first, “because she’s the woman.”  Well, don’t relationships between two people who care about each other involve each person putting the other one first? So both get taken care of?  Not just because one’s a woman?  Am I crazy?  Anyway, Beth’s not picky about looks, so Patti knows she can cast a wide net to find a good guy for her.  (Also, Patti insists that Beth lets the men plan and pay for the dates at first, to play up the usual male/female dynamic. Good point.)

Time for Sean to meet with some kind of relationship coach, to help him break through the misogyny and become a loveable human being again.  Dr. Cooper Lawrence is shocked that a 40+ year old dude’s only had one relationship, ever.  He at least has the good sense to look sheepish as this is brought up.  When asked why it broke up, he jokes about meeting other women.  So, right away, Destin and Patti and Dr. Cooper Lawrence peg him as a playboy asshole, and Sean just lets them believe it.  They make up all these supposed interactions and motivations for him, and he’s like, “Yeah, okay.”  He doesn’t seem to think it’s bad, even though it’s clearly not correct.  Without knowing what I know from the end, it doesn’t seem like it’s right, and especially because I know what comes out at the end, it’s not right.

“Oooh.  These are good suggestions for how I can be a bigger asshole.  Keep ‘em coming.”

Anyway.  Dr. Lawrence gives Sean an assignment, to share a secret with each woman at the mixer, something personal that might even be difficult to share, to lend an air of vulnerability to the interaction.  Sean just does that dumb smile. He says it’s hard for him to come around to the idea of “this female…hocus pocus relationship stuff”.  WOW.  I want to smack him.

Patti’s mom and dad are joining in on the screenings this week.  Patti says her mom used to do matchmaking for love only, not money, and maybe a chicken or a dinner out.  She (Mom) can read energy really well, so she’ll be a great asset.  What they’re looking for today is a strong Asian woman who’ll give Sean a bit of a challenge, and a strong man’s man for Beth, someone who’ll treat her right.

“I want to talk about my vagina, okay?”

Patti’s irritation is already mounting with Andreea, because Andreea’s not giving the right info as she brings people in.  For this round, she’s got headshots but no applications.  Later, she brings in applications but no photos.  Patti no likey.  In fact, later, she sics Rachel on Andreea.  It’s really professional, by the way, and not over-acted at all.  Rachel storms out, says, “Patti’s about to fire your ass, and I’m about to walk out.  Handle it.”  Andreea just looks at Rachel’s retreating back like, “Ah, manufactured TV drama.  I love it.”  See, she’s not dumb.  She knows what’s up.

Anyway, we get to meet a bunch of pretty Asian chicks and older white men.  Allison is a cute half-Asian girl with a great job, great hair, and great smile.  She’ll kick Sean’s ass, so she’s definitely in.  Another girl is made fun of for her cute faux-hawk, even though it’s adorable and she wears it well.  Patti’s mom thinks the ladies are too young for this asshole. Patti speaks up to say she dated Randy Quaid for five minutes, but it was just to get close to Dennis.  But Randy gave great head.  EW….. (I was going to balk at the idea of Patti thinking Randy Quaid is so much older, since she’s in her late 40′s but…well, according to Wikipedia, Randy just turned 60.  So, she’s right!)

Allison looks like shit right here

But this has always been Randy’s best look

Now time to find some dudes for Beth.  One guy gets the axe because he won’t date women older than 40 (and can’t articulate anything about it when asked why).  Another guy is included in the mix because Patti, as we all know, likes to test her millionaires with guys/girls who are dead wrong for them.  This guy, a young shoe salesman with weird eyebrows, is apparently Beth’s test. He’s young and poor–clearly not the man’s man she should be with.

“You have strange eyebrows.”

“You’re right, I do.  And clearly, I must do stand-up comedy on the side.  You can tell by my headshot.”

We get some good dudes for Beth, however.  Ray’s an actual millionaire himself, and he’s put together nicely with a good sense of humor.  He seems humble, too, which is rare.  Charlie’s a mergers and acquisitions guy, previously married and has some kids of his own. He seems sweet. Some weird guy Dave who used to play baseball professionally somehow makes the cut, and even he seems surprised by that.

Sweet Charlie.

Weird guy Dave.

The dunderhead of this week’s casting is Courtney, a 21-yr-old legal assistant who’s ready to take a break from full-time work.  See, she’s “been working for so long” and thinks she should scale it back a bit. Patti rightfully accuses the girl of wanting a sugar daddy, which she protests.  Eh, we can all see it, so stop pretending.  “You got me all wrong,” she mutters as she leaves the room.

She works hard for the money!  So hard for it, honey!

Okay, okay, I’ll stop singing.  Sheesh.

Time for the mixer.  It’s not our normal herd of cattle mixer this time.  Instead, it’s a “mixology” mixer, where the dates and millionaires will learn how to mix drinks, and then they’ll make drinks for each other.  It’ll be small and intimate, with hand-picked dates for each millionaire.  We’ll see!  At first, everyone’s together to learn how to mix a gin fizz.  Sean gets in trouble for letting the girls make the drink for him.  Weird Dave intently shakes the shaker for Beth.

But for intimate dating time, each candidate will meet with the millionaire and make a “signature drink” for him or her.  That’ll give them something to do so they’re not staring awkwardly at each other, and it’ll give an insight into the personalities of the mixologists.  At least, we hope it does!

Dave’s first for Beth.  He takes charge right away, but Beth can barely look at him.  Me, I think he has “creepy dad” energy.  Beth thinks he’s a lech.  The shoe salesman guy is next, and they make a yummy-sounding drink, but she seems a little skittish with him, too.  Charlie heads down to make a drink, and he’s very natural and cool.  He has older kids, and he speaks about them in a cool way.  Like, he’s a cool dad.  Finally, Ray makes Beth a drink.  While I think he’s cool, he squicks me out when he keeps asking about her passions.  “What are you passionate about?  What’s another passion?  You seem like a passionate lady.”  Like, he’s trying to subliminally get her panties wet.  MINE are bone dry.

“Me?  Well, my penis is passionate about your appearance.”

Patti meets briefly with Beth to see who she likes.  She liked the last two, but can’t decide.  Patti makes the decision for her, ultimately, when she tells Beth that Ray seems to be a better match, in that he’s got means of his own and similar interests, and he’d probably treat her like a princess.  Sold!

Sean’s turn to flirt.  Ugh.  First is Conquela, who handily makes a strong, pink drink.  She’s taller than Sean and definitely strong.  Like, wouldn’t be subservient.  He won’t pick her.  Next is Carolyn, a pipsqueak of a girl who’s apparently much older than she looks.  She’s smart, too, and pretty much calls Sean out for his Asian fetish.  Like, asked him outright about it, since all four of the ladies picked for him were Asian of some sort.  He pretends like it’s all Patti’s idea, like a total coward. Carolyn’s pretty clearly onto him, so he won’t pick her. Thea Lynn is next–the faux-hawk girl.  She’s sweet, and talks easily with Sean. But even though she dances with Sean briefly, she’s not that dynamic.  Finally, it’s Allison, the half-Asian girl with the great hair.  She makes a STRONG drink with a lot of tabasco. Sean chokes.

Boring

Sassy!

And then he picks her as his master date!   After Patti yells at him for not revealing any secrets or vulnerabilities to his date, as he was instructed.  Drat!

Patti, by the way, when revealing the date choices to the group, tells everyone that while Beth is the rich bitch of the group, Ray, her date of choice, will be planning the date this time.  Again, it helps to preserve the male/female romantic dynamic.

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment this week, Patti’s giving the love-seekers some advice in dating, namely:  The Five Non-Negotiables.  How do you make that list?  You review people you loved and people you dated and now hate, and there ya go.  Five things should show up on a list from that. Duh.

Time for the dates.  Y’all know by now that I don’t like to spend a ton of time talking about the dates themselves, not unless something totally funky is going on.  These two weren’t particularly funky, so it’ll be a brief enough summary to salvage my one night of rest this week, yet detailed enough that you feel totally in the know.  Deal?

So, Beth’s waiting for Ray at some small corporate jet airport.  Why?  Oh, because she decided to break Patti’s rule and plan the date herself.  And what are they doing? Oh, going to the Borgata in Atlantic City for a little gambling. Sorry, but that’s like inviting my date to come sit in the visitor’s chair in my cubicle while I check Facebook and ignore emails from coworkers.  I.e., not a date!  What else makes it “not a date?”  Oh, the 6’3″ strapping young lad in a plaid who’s accompanying them on the date?  You’re right!

Kinky

Seriously, Beth brought her “make-up artist” Jason with her.  In her slow speech and strange introduction, I start to get a bad feeling about Beth.  She’s obviously not that bright.  And Ray’s understandably annoyed.  Jason has the sense to look awkward about it, at least.  And there’s Beth making doe eyes–at Jason!  WTF!  Anyway, they take the jet and head to AC. Beth keeps staring and smiling at Jason, explaining that he’s got good jerk radar.  Thing is, this radar is defective when you’re crashing a first date!!  Bad move!  Also a bad move?  Ray’s not a gambler!  Good job, Beth!

In the limo on the way to the casino, Ray keeps up the pretense of being a good date, though you know he’s pissed.  He asks Beth what makes her a good poker player, and she says she’s really good at reading people.  Ah, so you know Ray’s pissed, then, right?  And Jason’s gay?  Good job, Beth!  I hope she’s drunk when she compliments JASON’S PACKAGE in the limo.

“Seriously, Panda, you called it.”

Finally, they get some alone time for dinner.  Ray’s still trying, bless his heart.  She orders champagne for dinner, and he asks if this is her favorite champagne.  See, still trying. He gives a sweet toast about each of them finding what they’re looking for, and she drunkenly thanks him. He continues asking about what makes her a good poker player, then promises to drop the work talk. They talk about patience and “walking away from a bad hand.”  Ray takes the bait and makes that same analogy about life.  (And this date, I would assume.)  Beth, meanwhile, sounds like a slower, more adult Sammi Sweetheart.

Sean, meanwhile, is heading over to pick up Allison. He hopes she’s wearing a shorter skirt than last time.  And….there she is, and nope!  Modest skirt!  Yay!  As they chat in the limo, Sean’s boner deflates a bit.  Why?  Allison’s actually smart and has her shit together!  She studied abroad!  Italian’s her minor!  She’s got a great job!  Uh oh, very threatening.

“Your intellect looks great in that top.”

Once they get settled with some drinks, Allison asks Sean what he thought of her obnoxious Tabasco drink at the mixer.  He grins and says, “I thought ‘bimbo,’ actually!”  “Bimbo?!”  Allison’s not happy. Actually, Sean says, “I thought ‘bimbo,’ which is great.“  Allison’s tone totally changes, realizing that her date thought she was a dumb whore. He backtracks and says he picked her because of her hair.  She knows better–because she’s smart!

Yeah, I’d be shocked and pissed too.  Like the time a guy called ME a prude, because I didn’t feel like talking about road head over Caesar salads on our second date, which was at 5 PM on MOTHER’S DAY!

Sean and Allison go to dinner next, where he immediately starts in with asking about her tattoos.  He phrases it in such a “It’s 1AM and you’re drunk and I want to sleep with you” way.  Like, he really is a pig.  Allison falls for it, revealing that she has a tramp stamp.  He’s delighted.  She takes the opportunity to rag on him for calling her a bimbo, which he doesn’t get.  Why’s this bimbo still harping on this?  Why does it bother her?  I have no idea!

Sean’s not totally into the idea of sharing that vulnerability, but…in the end, he does.  And his revelation makes everything else SO CLEAR.  It’s such a “Duh!” moment, really.  Basically, that one relationship he’s ever had?  The six month one?  It ended because she cheated on him with his friend. NO FUCKING WAY.  Of COURSE he objectifies and is derisive towards women, because he’s SO afraid to be hurt.  And Asians are the least threatening, in his mind, I’m guessing.  I mean, duh, right?  (OR, in a cruel twist, maybe it was an Asian who hurt him, so he seeks out what causes him pain!)  Anyway, Allison’s been through the same thing, understands how it feels.  Yeah, yeah, don’t we ALL know how it feels?  DEAL with it.  Sean clearly feels safer with Allison for sharing that vulnerability and hearing hers in return, so Patti gets points for that.  It definitely brought his guard down a smidge.

Sean stops by with Patti to talk about the date.  She’s proud of him for revealing the vulnerability, though she’s kinda “duh” when he says it.  Weren’t we all?  He wants to see Allison again, so that’s fine.  Patti’s happy.

…though you wouldn’t know it by lookin’ at her

Then she calls Ray to find out about that date.  He tells Patti about Jason, and she’s pissed! Beth comes in and Patti reams her out a bit. I love her next line, too, about how Beth took over planning the date (breaking the rules):  “How do you expect any juicy goosey to come downstairs” if you’re planning the date?  HA!! It’s like an episode of Two and a Half Men up in here!

Captions of Truth, won’t you tell us the final story?  Allison and Sean didn’t go out again.  Shocker.  As for Beth and Ray?  They got married!  Awww!  Oh, fuck you, I’m kidding.  They didn’t go out again either.  Smell ya later!

Next week:  I think it’s two millionairesses, and one whackadoo at the mixer.  I can’t tell much else, sorry.  Come back, though!  We’ll watch and bitch about it together!