Millionaire Matchmaker: Cookin’ Raw with the Brooklyn Boy

And we’re back!!  Welcome, ‘Gasmii!  It’s time to dish about Patti and her Millionaire Matchmaker nerds!  Let’s go!

I really have my work cut out for me this week.  If you watched, you know what I mean.  If you didn’t, well, that’s okay.  I’ll tell you what happened, and it’ll be like you were passed out on my futon with me, your eyes widening in horror along with mine.

I miss last season, when Patti was presumably doing all her wedding planning during the first minute of the show each week. Remember Lump, her wedding planner?  I miss Lump.  Since the wedding’s off, and NYC is a whole new ballgame, we get random shit in that first minute each week instead.  This week, it’s Patti giving a “meeting men in NYC” clinic.  It’s aaaaactually good advice, about holding eye contact for five seconds, then looking away; not going to the bar with your girlfriends (too intimidating to men); and going to the bar on Wall Street at 4:30 PM.  (Um, don’t Wall Street types actually work past 5 PM, Patti??)  I do love Patti’s “flirt” grimace as she demonstrates the five-second stare.  Classic.

Need help.

At the office, Andreea’s checking out god-knows-what on the computer as Destin asks her if she’s heard from “Patricia”.  I sure hope it’s all in the editing, but Andreea just stares dumbly.  Destin keeps asking, then rephrases it using “Patti” instead of “Patricia.”  Finally, Andreea gets it.  Wow.

Speak of the devil, Patti strolls in for another hard day at the office. From the second she walks in, Destin wants to get rollin’ on the DVD intros of the two millionaires for this week’s show.  (By the way, he doesn’t look that bad with his mohawk down and chunked out like that.  Like he used some Redken Rough Paste on it or something.  Good work.)

Not the hair, though.  Sorry.

First millionaire (and I make a “huh?” face at this) is Jason, a boy’s boy from Brooklyn. He says he’s 30, but I call bullshit on that.  He easily looks 35, if not older, and I’m guessing he claims to be 30 so he can act like an ass and try to get away with it for a little longer.  Cuz, really, he acts like a 23-yr-old.  And I know how that goes, because I have party-boy 23-yr-olds on my Facebook friends list.  Let’s just say that their status updates and photos from the weekend differ vastly from mine.

Anyway, Jason introduces himself with a “Yo yo yo, Patti!  Brooklyn in da houuuuse!”  Stupid!  He owns some investment properties in Arizona and Maine (hi, random), is Jewish, and really loves to slap dicks with his bros–platonically, of course.  No one in the matchmaker office is impressed–they’re all making the same face I am, which is “Ugh, what a loser” face.  Oh, apparently he and his buddies have contests about who can make out with a girl first, the soonest, whatever.  Seriously, guys, marry each other and be done with it.  The country is getting closer to allowing bromance marriages, I swear.

Patti’s skeptical about Jason.  She knows guys like this, and it’s impossible to break up the bromance to make room for an honest-to-goodness love life with an actual woman.  I know this is an obvious statement, but guys like him keep viable women at a distance because they’re terrified to be vulnerable.  They’d rather be lonely and jerk off with their buddies over a bottle of Patron than have a decent conversation with a woman–sober–and let her get to know them, warts and all.  (But MAN, is it worth it when you let yourself be vulnerable and find someone who loves you, warts and all, isn’t it??)

I’m spending too much time on this jerk. Moving on!

Next up is David, whom Rachel introduces as being “Gay!!!!,” complete with spirit fingers.  The DVD starts, and we see a nebbish Michael Stipe kind of guy.  He brags about being 39 but not looking it, thanks to Botox.  Ah,yes, but thanks to your 2% bodyfat, you DO look 39!  Joke’s on you!  He’s a bona fide millionaire, though, owning two apartments in Manhattan–one of them, he paid $5 million CASH for.  Wow.

Patti’s worried about working with David, because his checklist sets the standard too high for who David himself is.  He wants someone hot, rich, accomplished, in good shape, etc.  Guys like that aren’t gonna go for a wrinkly twink like David.  But then, speaking out of both sides of her mouth, Patti thinks David is too critical and judgmental, so she needs to break that in him.   Wait, isn’t that pretty critical and judgmental of her??

Patti’s talking to herself–I mean, to Deshawne–on her way to meet Jason for lunch.  Jason picked a nice restaurant in Brooklyn for them to meet–Peter Luger Steakhouse?  Anyone know anything about it?  Deshawne says he doesn’t know a thing about bromances–he’s a ridin’ solo kind of guy.

When Patti arrives at Peter Luger’s, she sees Jason at a table with two friends.  Her smile freezes on her face, and she asks tersely, “What’s goin’ on?”  Jason explains about his friends being important to him, so they’re in on the process, and she boots them out.  “Nuh uh.  Buh-bye!”

GTFO

And we go immediately to the formal intro!  Jason Teich, VP for the family business with medical billing training or something. (I Googled him, but he’s got his shit locked tight.  No dirt.) He travels a lot for work, since they have schools all over the country. Jason’s not an ugly dude, in the way that Vin Diesel isn’t ugly.  (But if you look closely, he is.)  He’s got a nice body, keeps himself in shape. But the constant drinking is taking its toll, and a man-child clinking shots with his boys isn’t really hot at all.

Patti gets down to brass tacks.  What’s going on with the dudes, if Jason supposedly wants to find love?  Jason answers simply, that his boys are important to him.  “More important than the girl you’re dating?”  Patti asks. Jason pauses a little longer than a mature man would.  “More important than any girl I’ve dated so far…,” he hedges.   Patti asks what kinda girl it would take for Jason to get over this bullshit.  He’s got a canned answer that any asshole could give.  And really, the answer is that there is no answer.  It’s just gonna happen–or it’s not gonna happen.  OR, he’s going to meet the perfect girl, but he’ll blow it because he’s too insecure without his boys hooting along behind him.  And I just gave away his master date, sorry.

Why love now?  “Because I’m ready.”  What makes you ready?  “I just am.”  Patti is skeptical.  She lays ground rules for the Millionaires Club dating–no posse.  Not one little bit.  Jason bickers, but Patti won’t back down. He thinks that it’s mega-important that his buddies like his girl and his girl like his buddies.  Newsflash:  you’d be the one telling the girl you love her, not them.  And she’d be telling you she loves you, not those guys.  So, it doesn’t matter.  Sure, it’s great if everyone’s all buddy-buddy, but you CAN have your friendship AND your relationship and not have to marry the two!  Also, I have a feeling those loser friends of his wouldn’t like any girl he brought around–not unless she was giving them blowjobs on the side.  In which case, they’d think she’s awesome–then turn on her and turn her in for being a whore.  No girl can win!  (And for the record, no girl would ever WANT to blow all those guys.  Ick.) (Okay, weird tangent.  moving on.)

“Let’s clink glasses to you not being a jerk. ”

Time to meet David for reals.  He comes to the office to meet with Patti, and she’s lacking grace when he arrives.  Like, doesn’t even stand up to shake the man’s hand.  I know she’s against his pickiness, but c’mon!  Be polite!  Be professional!

Stand in the place where you live, now face north!

Official intro. David Yontef, 39-yrs-old, getting manis and pedis like the best of us gals.  He helpfully informs us about his pickiness with dates–that most men don’t make it to the second date with him. We watch him getting Botox, which is icky.

So Patti asks David about the checklist–does the guy David dates also have to get Botox?  Does he also have to be rich?  (Answers to both are “hopefully, yes.”)  Patti tells David that this will be difficult for her, “because hot gay men typically trade up, they don’t go down.”  HA!  SLAM, David!  You are not an upgrade!  Then Patti insults his thinness, asking what he ate for breakfast. “Coffee,” he answers sheepishly.  Patti calls him a “pasty manorexic who fell out of a Tim Burton movie.”  HA!  She also reveals that he’s never had a long-term relationship (lasting longer than a year).  Something’s wrong with that.

Patti’s goal with David is going to be to break him of the judgy-ness.  Which still seems so hypocritical, considering how judgmental she is about HIM.  But nevermind, it’s all in the name of TV drama.

Time to find some dates for these chumps!  We’ve got a screening session for hot gays and cute girls.  First up are some gay guys.  Nick’s a PhD student for educational psychology.  They love him, but I know David won’t love him.  He’s just a student, ick!  Christos is next, and he’s pretty cute in his weirdly emo twinky way.  Patti asks him super-inappropriate questions about what kind of gay he is, since he’s wearing shorts and is hairy.  “Are you a bear?  A cub? A twink?”  The answers to all of these are “no” with an extra helping of the implied, “None of your beeswax.”  Christos is great, though.  When asked, “Okay, what are you?”  “I’m Christos, it’s nice to meet you.”  YAY!  Love!

Love that these guys are the arbiters of taste.

Some other gay guys come through, including David with his nice arms who Patti wants to “flip.”  Oh, honey, he wouldn’t stick his wick anywhere near where you’re wet.  Ick.  Anyway, the gay guy casting goes very well–no worries.

Now time to find some hot chicks for Jason, the Brooklyn boy.  The first two in the door do NOT impress Patti.  One is a dour, heavy-ish paralegal who monotones about finding love with someone who has the same zest for life that she does.  Her eyeliner is smudged way down her lower lids, making her look very, very tired.  The other girl, Nelly, has greasy hair and shrugs when Patti makes a crappy comment about her.  Patti’s like, “These girls are so ugly!”  MEAN!

She insults another girl for her eyeshadow and eyebrows, then makes fun of poor Sherrie, who works with wind turbines.  Destin says, “You look like you were IN a wind turbine.”  Sherrie just blinks. Another girl is called anorexic, another’s outfit is picked apart for making her look fat and not cute, etc.  It just goes on and on.  Andreea’s in hot water now, for bringing in not-hotties.

FINALLY, Andreea brings in some girls who are Jason’s type.  (Where were these girls all along?  I get that you want to open up some horizons, but a person’s got a type–try to honor that!)  One is super cute, in a curvy booty way that Jason will love.  Her name is Amy, and she’s a model/dancer.  She seems smart and sweet, too.  Seriously, everything Jason’s looking for.  It’s open and shut–no need to bring anyone else around, I’d think.

Well, then there’s the girl who played Dora the Explorer on tour.  She’s 30 and Jewish, so maybe a good fit for Jason.  She says she doesn’t mind a guy who hangs out with his bros, as long as he comes home to her.  Yeah, yeah.  Finally, there’s Shelly, a tall, blonde paralegal who’s actually Isreali.  She also maybe looks a little like a dude.  I can’t get that out of my brain, honestly, which colors how I see her matching with Jason.

Patti calls Andreea in to kick some ass.  She tells her to get in “the hot spot.”  I think she means “hot seat.”  Patti’s pissed–in a city with a ratio of 5 women for every 1 guy, they should be teeming with hot women to date millionaire clients.  Instead, Andreea’s bringing in trash.  What gives?  Well, turns out that all these awesome single women have JOBS and can’t show up mid-day for a casting call for a stupid reality TV show!  Andreea promises that some can come to the mixer the next day (apparently on a weekend?), and that hotties WILL be there.

“I said that you suck!”

“Haha…I mean, what?”

The next segment is kinda stupid and annoying.  Basically, Patti wants to teach David to stop being so judgmental (even though we just watched her stomp on the self-esteems of tens of girls just minutes before), so she’s hired a makeup artist to make him super ugly.  Then they’re going to walk around outside and see how people react to him.  David’s got a unibrow, boils on his cheeks, wrinkles, pasty skin, and a pot belly.  As they walk around, he can tell how disgusted people are to see him, how they’re dismissing him based solely on his appearance.  (Well, call me shallow, but I wouldn’t want to date someone who didn’t wax the unibrow or get some sun or wash his face.  Jeez, this little exercise doesn’t quite work for me.  What’s wrong with wanting someone attractive??)  Maybe Patti’s seeing something we’re not, about David’s level of judgmentalness, but eh.  Moving on.

Ew.

Well, in the previews, I thought that was his real belly, so…phew for him, I suppose.

Time for the mixer. David and Jason are chatting by the bar when Patti strolls in.  I guess David just has water, but Jason is clutching a bottle of Bud Light.  Patti dismisses David for a second (who cheerfully agrees to go away, “Okay, anything!”  Aww, he actually seems like a sweet guy, putting up with Patti’s shitty comments!), and she rails on Jason for drinking at 10:30 AM.  She reminds him of the two-drink rule, and Jason’s like, “Dude, I’m fine.”  But he looks way nervous.

“Beer is my girlfriend.”

Mingle time!  The only thing interesting to note here is how nervous Jason seems to be by himself in a group of attractive women.  He is seriously hugging that beer bottle to his heart, smiling nervously at everyone, making basic small talk.  David’s engaging, talking to everyone.  Good for him! David loves having a hand-picked bevy of men to choose from.  Jason, though, seems terrified.  And honestly, I’d date this guy. He seems real and sweet. Jason with his bros?  Hell, no.

“Hi.  Are you beer?  Because I only date beer.  Beer and boys.”

Time to pick two for a mini-date.  David picks Christos, the not-twink, not-bear, not-cub Patti grilled at the casting, and Oscar, some guy who likes sushi.  He doubts his choices, but he was trying to go with his gut about connection, rather than picking the hottest guy in the room.  Jason picks, of course, Amy, the Kim Kardashian clone, and Shelly, the boring mannish Isreali paralegal.

Decision time!

Mini dates go as mini dates go.  Amy and Jason seem to be doing fine, mostly because Amy is so gracious and sweet.  They talk about dancing, mostly.  Oh, and she asks what he does for fun, and he says, “I just have a good time, get drunk.”  Wow.  Classy.  Enticing.  Amy’s not a big drinker, so this is surely a match made in heaven.

She’s cute, she’s smart, she’s driven, she’s sweet…
and she’s about to get fucked over by a loser who doesn’t even know what he lost.

David meets with Christos first, and he’s immediately biting back judgment about Christos’ living situation (Brooklyn, with two roommates).  Haven’t you been in David’s shoes, where you are trying so hard to be open to a possible connection that you overlook stuff that you normally dislike?  But in the end, all that stuff actually DOES matter?  Yeah.  I mean, when it comes down to it, chemistry and connection is all that matters, and maybe that’ll come with someone with opposite traits that you seek, but more than likely, not.  But the more you have to convince yourself that it’s good that you’re overlooking things, the less it’s going to work.  Anyway, they talk.  It’s fine.

Yeah, that’s not great body language.

Jason meets with Shelly, the boring Isreali paralegal who looks like a dude with a bad dye job.  (She called Jason a “shiksa” earlier.  I didn’t know men could be shiksas!  I thought only Elaine Benis could be one!)   Jason asks what Shelly does when she’s not working, and she’s got a variety of interests. And she tells him all about it, without blinking, while lisping a bit.  Hmm.  He also tells Shelly that he likes to have a good time and get drunk.  Still keepin’ it classy, Jas.  Good job.

David meets with Oscar next.  Oscar’s got a big job in TV, which impresses David.  But for both being big TV buffs, they don’t watch the same shows.  But otherwise, their connection seems pretty strong and Oscar seems to be a cute, nice guy. And he’s more age appropriate, and he’s got similar means as David, which David wanted.  To me, Oscar is the clear choice.

Oscar to the left, Christos to the right.  Go left!

And I’m wrong.  When it comes down to it, David chooses Christos, and Jason chooses Amy.  Good for them.

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment this week, Patti goes shoe shopping.  She likes to shop, and she likes shoes, so she has a shoe-gasm. Also, every time I pause the DVR to write something during a commercial, I see NeNe from RHOA on my screen with a super low-cut strapless top, looking competely naked when the DVR timeline bar covers her dress.  It makes me laugh.

HA!!!   And yes, that’s my heavy *OLD* TV.

Time for the dates.  David’s waiting outside some interior design store, wearing shorts, waiting for Christos.  Christos arrives, carrying a duffel bag.  I guess that’s what independent gay men do on this show, rather than having limos pick them up and carry their shit around for them?  (Notice the girls are never carrying bags at all, not even purses?)  Poor Christos got the shaft, and I don’t mean in a good way.  Anyway, these two decide to walk around this store to window shop as their date.  Christos is interested and yet bored at the same time, I think. He’s a good sport. David’s totally into the interior design and not into the date part of the date. Poor form.

“Our date’s not much better than this turd table.“

They settle down on a couch in the store and have some champagne.  No, that’s not weird at all.  The conversation seems stilted, mostly because David is so negative and Christos can’t do anything to salvage this.  David admits that he “hates people” and would rather stay home all the time.  Ack!  I tend to get annoyed easily with people, too, but I wouldn’t SAY that on a first date, even jokingly!

Yes, a date inside an interior decor store.  Sounds great.

Jason, meanwhile, arrives by limo to pick up Amy at her place.  It’s mid-afternoon, far as I can tell.  He takes Amy to Koi, a sushi place he loves.  She’s all smiles, totally into being a good date.  Love her!  She encourages Jason to use his hands with an unwieldy piece of sushi, putting him at ease.  He’s a little bit of a monotone downer, far as I can tell.  That is, until he orders some sake bombs.  Amy takes a deep breath when this is suggested, but she’s a good sport and allows him to do it.  He orders one for her, but she can’t drink it, so he does both.  This is after he’d already had a beer (or more) with the meal.  She tells him she’s having a nice time, and he warns her–joking, and yet actually serious–that it’s all downhill from here, thanks to the sake bombs.  (BELIEVE PEOPLE when they tell you things, even if they phrase it like a joke.  They’re TELLING YOU something.)

Insecurity.

Next, Jason wants to take Amy to a rooftop bar (red flag #1!) to meet up with his friends (red flag #2!  Run, Amy!).  Ugh, this clown has no game!  Poor Amy–he’s not taking HER into consideration at ALL during this date.  What a pig.  Amy, meanwhile, is rightfully nervous about meeting her date’s friends on the FIRST DATE.  This is ridiculous.  Also, this is the second time Jason has referred to his friends as “his peoples,” which makes me wonder if he think he sounds more mature by saying “peoples” instead of “peeps.”  Can’t put lipstick on a pig, Jason.

Back to David and Christos, who’ve changed and are arriving at a nice place for a nice dinner.  They sit on the same side of the leather booth, which is surely for TV’s sake.  David’s a foodie, and Christos doesn’t eat animals who’ve suffered.  (But salmon suffering is apparently A-okay with him!)  David orders a martini with pear vodka, no mixer, and is brought a pear martini with a little bit of pear puree mixed in.  He sends it back, and Christos seems mildly horrified.  Hey, it isn’t what he ordered!!  I’ve sent drinks back that were wrong!  It’s not my job to drink the wrong drink!  It’s the bartender’s job to make it right!  (And the server’s job to take the order correctly.  It was said pretty clearly, and David pretty clearly got the wrong thing.) David and Christos sneer privately towards each other when ordering food (because of the meat-eating dischord).

David keeps trying to convince himself to have an open mind, get to know Christos despite him not having what he wants, etc.  And at this point, it’s clear to all of us that it’s not a good match.  So stop trying to make it work!  Stop telling us you’re TRYING.  It’s embarrassing to you both!

Later, they end up in Central Park, sitting in the grass, overlooking a nice little pond.  Conversation totally stalls at this point, and they talk about the scenery, and about the dessert they brought, and not much else.  It’s excruciating to watch. I’ve been on bad dates, but you either make the best of it and just talk about bullshit for as long as you have to, or you call it quits early enough to not have to strain for conversation.  These TV dates can’t do either one, apparently. They both stare into space before ending it all.  No, not murder-suicide.  Just polite thank yous as they part ways.

Back to Jason and Amy, who’ve arrived at the rooftop bar to the delight of Jason’s friends. “HEEEEEYYYYOoooooOOOooohhhh!” they all shout and clap as Jason and Amy walk in.  Oh GOD. Bunch of frat-boy douchebags who can’t be alone with a woman to save their lives (unless roofies/rapies were involved).  Their careful uniform is sad–each one is wearing the perfect jeans, the perfect white shirt, and the perfect hair gel.  One starts the “oh! oh! oh! oh!” chant, which especially sucks.  Poor, poor Amy.

Posses suck.

They bring out shots of Patron.  Amy is still a good sport, smiling and trying to take at least a sip.  No thanks!  She gives it back.  When we come back from checking in on David and Christos, the jackass brigade is chanting “USA!  USA!” inexplicably. Was this filmed during the World Cup, maybe?  Amy looks embarrassed, and Jason looks torn between joining in on the chanting and keeping Amy happy.  They start up the “oh! oh! oh!” chant when the waitress comes by.  What pigs.  Jason orders more shots; Amy orders another club soda with lime.

When the guys are about to do their shots, Amy says, “I’ll just watch you guys have a good time.”  One of the guys shushes her with a “No talking; bottoms up!” and takes his shot.  Then one of the douchenozzles starts talking about the first date kiss, which prompts the loudest jerkoff of the bunch to start chanting, “Kiss!  Kiss!  Kiss!  Kiss!”  Ew.  They really have NO respect for Jason to be acting this way.  Seriously, this is not friendship.  This is sabotage and assholery.

Poor Amy.  Jason goes in for a drunken post-shot kiss.  She smiles and accepts it, but man, she really should get the fuck outta there.  A gang rape is only a few shots away. The guys chant “oh! oh! oh!” as she gets mauled.  This sucks.  What’s even better?  The camera crew interviews Jason about the date, and he’s clearly BOMBED.  Slurred speech, slow eyes.  Just a dumb fuck, all around.  He definitely wants another date with Amy.  Amy probably doesn’t feel the same way.

OMG, I can’t take much more of this.  Let’s just go to the final stuff, shall we?  First up is David, who faces Patti’s music about his “I hate people” comment.  She’s right when she tells him that negative attitude is keeping him single.  She advises that he tell himself, “I love people!  I love people” every day until he actually feels that shift deep inside himself. I’m gonna do that, too, because I can be a pretty grumpy sonofabitch sometimes.

Patti calls Amy to check in, and she’s horrified at what she hears.  Jason’s coming in next to talk with Patti, and she’s PISSED.  She reminds Jason of her two-drink rule, reasoning that you can’t close the deal with someone if you’re not clear-headed.  True, true (unless you just want to close a sex-only deal).  Jason says he’s always done the drunken thing in the past, so…that’s what he did this time, too.  When asked about bringing his “peoples” on the date, he says he wanted Amy to see what she was getting herself into.  Well, ain’t THAT the fucking truth!!!  She sure fucking saw it, didn’t she??!  Wow.  Patti demands an apology, which Jason won’t give. Finally, it escalates to him saying, “I’m gonna get the fuck outta here,” and Patti demanding that he get the fuck outta her club.  “You’re a no-name PUNK.”  (He is!)

“Yeah, I know I sucked in XXX.  Tell me something I don’t know.”

The Captions of Truth don’t tell us anything new, by the way.  Jason and Amy didn’t go out again–shocker!  Neither did David and Christos–again, shocker!  And that’s that, folks.  What’d you think?

Next week:  there’s a guy talking about measuring his schlong, Andreea getting beaten up for doing a bad job, and some chick “bringing her gay husband on the date”.  Whatever.  Come back, we’ll bitch about it together!