Hello, g’mornin’. Ya know you been waitin’ for it. Cuz I seen ya watchin’ (Millionaire Matchmaker), so let’s go…let’s get it poppin’.
(Thank you, Diddy, for helping Panda with the intro this week!)
In our random intro of the week, Patti’s taking Andreea to a spa at Bergdorf Goodman. Not because she loves her and wants to treat her well, but because Andreea (and her cuticles) need a stern talking to. (Andreea’s in those cowboy boots she loves, by the way. Are you shocked?) Anyway, Andreea’s actually not getting anything done–she’s taking notes while Patti gets the business. Her notes probably read, “Shut the hell up, you worm-lipped clown!” They should actually read something about finding beautiful single women at the gym, yoga, nail salons, and coffeeshops, so Patti has a better stable for her male millionaires. You won’t find smart, classy ladies at the nightclub, Andreea!! (I’m sure smart, classy girls go clubbing all the time, but it’s much harder to separate the wheat from the chaff that way.) Patti also rattles off non-NYC locations, like the Hamptons, Fire Island (isn’t that gay-heavy?), and the Jersey shore. Andreea balks at that last one, and Patti’s immediately defensive. SHE is from Jersey, thankyouverymuch. “Eat me,” she tells Andreea.
“What does ‘eat me’ mean?”
Patti’s having a sit-down with Rachel CurlerBang now, making sure she’s got her shit together now that she’s VP of matchmaking. Rachel feels awesome about it. Patti reminds us how explosive this business could be for rich men in NYC, with the male/female population ratio being so skewed. Rachel nods knowingly. TOO knowingly, if you ask me. Watch out for that one–she might gut Patti in her sleep.
Destin and Andreea arrive. Time to get to work! Which means it’s time to watch brief DVD intros of our two millionaires this week!
First is PJ, a rich guy who lives on an island in the Bahamas and likes to surf. Patti immediately smirks about this guy’s Peter Pan-ness. Can you blame her? He’s an adult who goes by “PJ.” I love the name PJ for a little boy who’s 6 years old, but not for a grown man who wants to put his peen in something. Patti also suspects PJ of lying about his age. He says he’s 42 but he looks a bit older. (I agree.) Could be sun damage, or could be lies! You decide! Anyway, Little PJ had a surfing intruction business or something, then sold it, and that’s how he’s rich. Nice.
And our other gem this week is Cindy, a millionairess that you may (or probably won’t) recognize from the cover of a romance novel. See, she’s the “female Fabio,” the most photographed woman used in romance novels. We all know those are airbrushed beyond recognition, and Cindy sure looks older than her 40-something years. Doesn’t help that she’s wearing makeup and clothing in the manner of a 30-year-old (or younger!), which, ironically, ages her. She’s been married before, no kids, and feels like she’s never had that super-deep Prince Charming chemistry before, and it’s what she wants this time around. Usually, I think most of us would gag at the idea of an adult woman wanting for an actual “Prince Charming,” but for her, I’ll make an exception. It just…fits.
Time for the actual, for-real introductions. PJ Marks comes in for a chat with Patti, who again shows her disdain by refusing to stand up when he arrives. I sure hope she stands when people who PAY for her service come into the room! Anyway, PJ. PJ spends part of the year at the Jersey shore and the other part in the Bahamas. He ran a wake-boarding camp for 10 years, then sold it. And now he just checks email on a hammock on the beach or cuts down coconuts for a mid-afternoon guzzle. Asshole. He’s got a cute puppy and a private plane that he enjoys flying. He just needs someone to marry.
Patti wants to know lots of things about PJ. First–did he grow up in Jersey? PJ annoys the shit out of me with this answer: “I haven’t really grown up, but I spent my youth there.” UGH. Patti’s with me, rolling her eyes. Later, she observes that he seems “disconnected,” which prompts her to ask if he smokes weed. “Connect the dots,” he tells her. Ah. Also, his last relationship ended a while back because she was too young–about twenty years too young. Ick. (He DOES have a nice body for a 40-year-old dude, or else I’d question a 20-something chick getting with him.) Patti asks where he’d take his date, and he mentions a beach date. Wake-boarding, actually. Nuh-uh, no way. Patti says no! NO! You don’t get to see the bikini on the first date. I, a girl with a less-than-perfect body, would not even agree to a date if I was told a bathing suit would be involved!
Enough of him. Patti’s now on her way to see Cindy, with Deshawne at the wheel. Has Deshawne ever dated a girl who thought she was a princess? But of course! Deshawne’s absolutely right with his one sentence reply: “I blame Disney for that.” YES. Adult women should not be subscribing to Disney fantasies!!
So, Cindy Guyer, let’s meet you. At your penthouse at the Mansfield. Nice. She grew up in CT, was discovered by Wilhelmina herself, and is worth a little over a million bucks. Not too shabby for being a tall, thin blonde. She’s got some chihuahuas and some girlfriends, but she needs her Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet. Her teeth are too big and too white, by the way. Anyway, turns out her husband cheated on her, and she was pretty broken up about it. Also, he changed his mind about having kids with her, which is very familiar to Patti. So she feels protective of Cindy and really wants to make a good match for her. It’s kind of endearing to see Patti so human for once.
I’m glad Patti’s not sitting on that couch or I’d feel a little nauseated.
Time to find some dates! For PJ, we’re looking for a smart “girl next door” who’d be cool with hanging out with a beach bum. For Cindy, we need a Prince Charming type. Ugh. Let’s go!
We get some pretty girls in for PJ, and it seems like everyone’s pretty accepting of the beach bum proposal. One girl is 23 years old, whom Patti chooses as PJ’s test. You know Patti loves her tests! If PJ picks her, he’s a total douche who will face the wrath of Patti. One chick speaks a little too slowly and seems off, which prompts Patti to dismiss her with a “Come back when the alcohol’s out of your system.” Ouch! She insists she’s not drunk, but she’s still not chosen. Finally, Patti feels like her BFF Amy in Florida may be a good match for PJ, so she will bring her up for the mixer. Wow, that’s trusting a lot in your gut…and in PJ to not be a jerk to your bestie.
Now to find big strong romantic men! First up is a twitchy nerd. Chad’s a teacher who’s taken time off to write a romance novel (which hasn’t yet been published). He does okay until they start calling him on his BS, and that’s when he starts to twitch and stomp his feet a bit. He tells them his romance novel is about how women say they want a nice guy, but they always end up with the asshole who treats them like shit. Sounds like a vindictive nerd to me! Patti tells him he’s not established or sexy enough, and that’s when the twitching goes into overtime. She asks him about it, and it turns out he’s on meds for anxiety. Poor guy, having to ‘fess that up on national TV, but it’s your own fault for being a cocky nerd!
Next up is Mike, who’s a rosy-cheeked hunk of adorableness. He runs a security/private investigation company and is doing pretty well. He’s excited to meet Cindy. So is Joel, an older guy in a nice suit who seeks a relationship as strong as his parents’ was. Aww. Then there’s Eric, a tall silver fox single dad. Then there’s nerdy Michael, the sommalier. He’s a bit of a dweeb, and Patti calls him on that (“No! I don’t want to fuck you!”), but he promises to try to be a lot hotter/sexier in time for the mixer. Wow.
Destin takes PJ to get a makeover, a la Jason “Gummy Bear” Davis. Patti wants PJ to look like a grownup before she matches him with any of her fine ladies. He gets a whole new suit, which makes him totally miserable. Destin keeps trying to convince him. The last stop is a salon, where PJ is going to get a haircut and some color. PJ is really unhappy about this, because beach bums don’t get color done. Beach bums don’t have fresh haircuts that make them look more their age. Beach bums want to look as Nick Nolte as possible, apparently! Still, PJ submits. We have to wait til after the commercial break to see how it all turned out.
Remember that episode of Friends?
Yes. PLEASE fix this.
Mixer time! PJ arrives and Patti freaks out about his hot new look. (He does look a zillion times better.) Cindy’s eyeliner makes her look old. I want to tell her, but I’m about six months too late.
PJ thinks it’s great that every woman in the room is there for him, but he’s also freaked out by the fact that they’re, like, fighting for him. Like, being too aggressive, cutting each other off to introduce themselves. PJ no likey. He DOES likey the two 20-something blondes who like to surf. Patti makes a face. Once PJ talks to Amy, though, the chemistry is clear. Amy’s Patti’s BFF, by the way. And they definitely seem like they’re into each other. Like, you can just tell.
Well, maybe not from this photo.
Cindy’s stuck first with the not-hot sommalier, who still looks like a nerd. He says, “How are you–you look like you’re a lot of fun.” “I AM a lot of fun,” Cindy banters back, while looking around for someone else to talk to. Then he compliments her eyes…and gets stuck on that. Says nothing else, just makes it more and more awkward as he compliments her eyes. She is like, “Yeah, thanks. Thanks so much. Okay. Thanks.” BYE! Have no fear–tall silver fox Eric and security company owner Mike come by and sweep Cindy off her feet. Mike especially wins her over when he shares that he’s on the board of a dog rescue organization. So cute.
He? Adorable. Her? Not 45.
The funniest part of the mixer is when some not-too-attractive woman with a weird short hairdo totally interrupts PJ’s conversation with another woman. She jumps in and then totally dominates the world with her list of qualifiers–she plays instruments! She’s athletic! She also looks like that googly-eyed actress who played Jack’s wife in The Shining! Yay! PJ’s not making eye contact and is barely surviving this conversation. Learn how to read people, weirdo!
It’s mini-date time! PJ chooses Patti’s friend Amy and Ruth, a blonde entrepreneur who looks vaguely Russian. Cindy chooses rosy-cheeked Mike and silver fox Eric. The mini-dates really aren’t that exciting. The only thing to really report on is that A) Amy and PJ did NOT want to stop talking, hugging at the end as Patti drags Amy away, and B) Mike’s incredibly nervous during his date with Cindy, and it’s ADORABLE. Cindy doesn’t help him out too much, though, which annoys me. Throw the guy a life jacket or something!
“Holy shit, this is awkward.”
“Can’t get enough of your love, baby.”
For the master dates, PJ chooses Amy! YAY! Patti squeals with happiness–both because she performed a good match AND because her BFF is going to date a millionaire. Cindy chooses Mike, because he gave her butterflies. Sweet. But I don’t think it’ll last.
In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, it’s Sin Halo’s birthday party! Sin Halo! You know, SIN HALO. Destin and Rachel’s kid? It’s his first birthday. It’s at some candy shop in NYC, and some red cartoony guy is there—he’s probably from a show that all of you know and I don’t because I don’t have kids. Patti thinks the red guy should have a weiner, to teach little kids about anatomy. Also, she wants Destin and Rachel to make another baby soon.
Nope, no weiner.
Time for the dates! First up is PJ and Amy. As he promised NOT to do, PJ has arranged for this master date to occur at the beach. On a boat. On a wake board. Thank God Amy’s got a bangin’ bod and a good attitude, because this could spell disaster. She’s a good sport, though, and they enjoy every moment of her getting freaked the fuck out about wake boarding. In the end, she opts NOT to board and cheers for PJ as he flies through the air, doing flips and whatnot. She really is good people. And PJ seems to have the good sense to recognize that this maybe wasn’t a good first date idea. (But we can all agree, can’t we, that Amy’s bikini body is enviable? I’m not alone in this, am I?)
Meanwhile, in Manhattan, Mike, the rosy-cheeked cutie, is waiting for Cindy to arrive. He’s nicely dressed in a long-sleeved button-down, holding a dozen red roses and standing by a horse-drawn carriage. Cindy arrives in a flirty little cocktail dress. Remember that it’s summer in NYC while this is being filmed, and as a fellow mid-atlantic state dweller, I also need to remind you that it was a particularly sweltering summer for us this year. So, this guy must be DYING. But you can’t take a princess out while wearing cargo shorts, Birks, and a white beater tank, right?
Anyway, they have cutesie small talk while the carriage takes them to Central Park. Mike displays enormous pit stains as he escorts the lovely princess off her carriage. They walk to the Alice in Wonderland statues in the park, which thrills Cindy, AND a string trio serenades them as they hang out among the statues with some wine. It’s really romantic, but it’s also 90 degrees out there. I would prefer a nice Bud Light and a sprinkler if I were her. By the way, their date is really cute and romantic, but it really feels stilted. BUT, it feels stilted in a way where I almost think they actually like each other and are just really nervous.
So hot. I mean, warm. Humid. Rank.
Back to PJ and Amy, who abandon the wake-boarding in favor of a nice picnic on the beach. Wouldn’t ya know it, it starts to rain. Like, Amy’s hair soon resembles a haystack and/or drowned rat (she still looks great). Neither of them seem to care, though, and they just laugh…and then smooch! (I just typo’d “smoosh”, which means SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY and makes me laugh.) It seems 100% genuine and chemistry-y. Yay, Patti!!
Sweet, actually. Til it rains.
Mike and Cindy head to Cindy’s favorite restaurant, One if By Land, Two if By Sea. Cindy thinks this quote is from Christopher Columbus. Oh, but it’s Paul Revere. Cindy’s embarrassed to be so dumb. Oh well! Then she tells him about how she did a Playboy pictorial back in the day, and that her boyfriend/husband was kinda upset about it. How would MIKE feel about it, if she did it again? Well, he supports her, but he’d be a little jealous. Yay, awkward first date questions!! Anyway, Mike wraps it up by asking for a second date—while on the first date. EXCELLENT WORK, Mike. Seriously, guys, this is how to do it. It eliminates a lot of the doubt and stress after a first date, where girls are left wondering if the guy even for-real liked them. Go Mike!
The next day, Patti’s following up with our millionaires and their dates. First up is Mike, who’s gushing about Cindy and how great their date was. He mentions the setting up of date #2, and Patti practically claps. Cindy comes into the office to concur with Mike, and she’s wearing a very age-inappropriate outfit: SHORT denim skirt and flirty top. She’s also barely wearing makeup and looks every bit her age, plus ten years. I can’t quite put my finger on what she’s doing wrong to look older than she says she is. Can you?
Then PJ comes in to tell Patti about the date. She already knows it went really well, because we saw her calling Amy about it—and you KNOW they already dished about it off-camera for an hour besides that. PJ is all smiles, and he reveals to Patti that he broke her rule about taking his date to the beach. She knows it all ended up well enough, but she can’t let him get away with that without a little hand-slap. He agrees, it wasn’t the best plan. BUT, it worked out! He’s already got a trip booked to visit Amy in FL next week! PJ gets a big hug and a “mazel tov” from Patti. Congrats, daters! It’s now up to YOU to make this work! Patti’s job is done, for this week.
Captions of Truth, are we wrong to assume that things are going well for both couples? And the captions reveal that we….are not wrong! Things ARE going well for both couples! Hooray!
Next week, some sandy-haired beyotch is looking for a guy with a big penis (not kidding), and Patti tries to match a date with a very short guy who appears to be addicted to his smartphone and such. The big penis chick is probably really annoying, so come back and discuss it with me next week!