Millionaire Matchmaker: Holy Moly, Manzo!

Welcome back, ‘Gasmii!  It’s time to talk about penises picking!  You ready??

We kick things off immediately with lollipop-headed Caroline Manzo walking in to the Millionaire Matchmaker offices.  Seriously, she has lost some weight!  I know this isn’t new, but I hadn’t really noticed it before this week.  It helps that the photo Flipit used for the About Last Night mini-recap was older and showed Caroline in her heavy glory from a few years back.  What a difference!    By the way, she looks great.  (Cuz noticing that someone’s lost weight doesn’t automatically equal a compliment, ya know!)

Wow.

Andreea brings Caroline back to meet Patti, mispronouncing her name alone the way (Caro-LINE, where “line” sounds like “eye-n”).  Patti seems to be the submissive party in this conversation, which kinda cracks me up.  Why is Caroline the alpha dog in this dynamic??  Anyway, Caroline’s looking to find nice girls for her two boys, Albie and Chris. She emphasizes the family element to the potential relationship–that any girl Chris or Albie brings home ought to fit in perfectly with the Manzos.  Patti understands that Caroline is protective (“of her young”, she says, HA!) and is also from an Italian family in Jersey, so…ya know.  Nod.  Mafia music.  Yes.

Patti agrees to set up the boys as long as Caroline teaches her the secret of her sauce.  “Done,” Caroline snaps.

CREDITS!

Patti arrives the next day, ready to hunker down and find some ladies for these boys.  She’s wearing a white suit that consists of a jacket and very short shorts.  She doesn’t look bad, necessarily, but it’s a little strange.  Then again, they’re filming this in the dead of one of the hottest summers we’ve had recently, so who can blame her.  She checks in with Destin and Andreea to get started.

You know how it goes:  we have to watch some video about the boys first, just to get a taste.  Albie’s up first.  Rachel describes him as an overachiever and Prince Charming.  Wasn’t he the one who dropped out of law school because he couldn’t keep up?  I don’t mean to be mean, and I didn’t really watch this season to know for sure but…that’s true, isn’t it?  Anyway, he’s become gun-shy with women, suspecting all of them for wanting him only for his “fame”.  You all know why I put that in quotes, right?  Patti understands his trepidation, noting that the “pinis” goes limp when you’re too guarded, though.

Chris is up next, and they all natter about how young he is (20 yrs old).  His intro mostly deals with explaining what the Brownstone is (a-doy) and then explaining that he works 12 hour days, six days a week.  So clearly, he’s not suffering from a lack of social confidence.  He just doesn’t have the time to be dating, so Patti needs to help him hook it up.  Patti reminds us about Chris’s previous forays into the realm of business, wanting to open the stripper carwash and such.  Oh, Chris Manzo.  Their goals with him won’t be to find him a wife–it’s more about fine-tuning his dating skills now, so that when he’s ready to settle down, he’s got it GOIN’ ON.  Ya know?

I wonder if Deshawne, Patti’s driver, knows that his role as driver is not only to deliver Patti safely to her destination, but is also to deliver the counterpoint to Patti’s girl talk about her clients.  “I’m on my way to see the Manzo brothers.  They’re ADORABLE.”  Deshawne’s reply?  “Okay.”  I love Deshawne.  I kinda wish, though, that he had his own dating guru-ness to bring to the conversation. But I love him just as he is–a basic punching bag for Patti’s thoughts.

Patti arrives at the Manzo mansion, where Caroline, Chris, and Albie await in the kitchen.  Now it’s time for the extended intro, which isn’t really necessary, but here’s the summary.  Albie works for the family, doing marketing.  Chris works for the family, doing banquet management.  Albie worries that girls only like him because he’s (almost) famous.  Chris is just too busy. Albie’s kinda serious; Chris is a goofball.

“Hi, hotties!”

Patti and the fam get down to brass tacks.  Do the boys care about religion?  Kinda–they definitely want to have a Christmas tree with their girlfriends/wives. What about their celebrity crushes?  Who cares–I like Aaron Eckhart, but I don’t NORMALLY go for blondes, so don’t match me up with dudes because I like Aaron Eckhart, ya know?  Albie likes women with dark hair, Chris likes blondes.  Chris also likes them petite, and in front of their mother, she asks, “the spinner type, right?”  WHOA!!  The boys laugh uncomfortably, and Caroline cocks her head. Then they have to earmuffs Caroline to ask about boobs and butts.  (Chris is a butt man.)

“You like a tight vag, right?”

Enough with talkin’ poontang with Mom standing around–let’s go sit in the living room and chat one-on-one, huh?  Albie’s first. Patti asks her should-be-patented question: “Why love now?”  Albie admits the last two years weren’t the best for him, but now he’s open to it and wants it.  It’s time. He says he’s not against dating someone who knows him from the show–he just doesn’t want that to be the REASON the chick is dating him.  Fair enough!  (And really, I don’t think he’d WANT a girl who didn’t know the show at all, because then she’s obviously a weird recluse.  Even if you don’t watch, a woman of the world is at least AWARE of what other people are paying attention to.  Right?)

My friend pointed out Albie’s lisp the other day, and now I can’t not hear it.  It just makes him that much more adorable.

Patti reveals the twist of this week’s matches to us.  She’s going to help Chris and Albie out by having them host a lunch for six girls–three for each of them.  And these girls won’t know that Chris and Albie are their millionaires.  So they’ll all chat and get to know each other without the girls necessarily fame-whoring themselves.  We’ll see!

Chris meets with Patti next. She talks like sailor with him, I think trying to relate to his youth (and, I think, failing). She asks what’s most important to him (“tits, ass, let it rip”) and he says, “Sense of humor.” Patti balks a little at that.  Surely, he wants a hottie more than he wants a funny girl.  Nope!  He’d take an averagely attractive girl with a great personality over a boring hottie.  WOW, that’s pretty evolved for 20 yrs old.  Go, Chris!  Patti doesn’t believe it, though, and I kinda trust her instincts.  My guess, and hers, is that he wants a funny hottie.  Finally, she advises him to take his date to a nice dinner to “get the romantic juices flowing”.  He pinky-swears AND makes her kiss the pinky-swear.  I wish I was kidding.

Ugh.

Time for the casting session for the dates.  For Albie, they want a down-to-earth, take home to Momma girl.  For Chris, they need a spunky girl who’ll be a good date for this “millionaire in training.”  (Ugh.)

First, we meet Nicole and Renee.  Nicole’s a good pick for Albie, though she’s advised to get some Crest Whitestrips.  Whoa, Patti.  Renee seemed cool–she works for a law firm during the day and does Pilates instruction on her down-time.  Patti insults her as she leaves, asking if she ate everyone in the Pilates class.  And she’s not even CLOSE to being heavy, so I don’t get this at ALL.   Patti’s reportedly lost 25 lbs using Sensa (those “tastant” crystals?  Know ‘em?), and apparently thinks she’s the shit now.  She’s not, by the way.  She looks juuuust about the same, just a little less pudgy in the legs and belly.  (Full disclosure:  I’m packin’ an extra 10-15 lbs right now and am trying Sensa.  And I’m pudgy in the legs and belly.  But I gotta call it like I see it!)

Yes, I’d not like this freakshow to pick my future husband for me, thanks!

Violeta is next, and she’s a short, sassy Mexican chick with a BA in business.  Patti likes her, though advises her to get her hair and makeup done professionally for the date.  Meanwhile, no offense Violeta, but I think she looks older than she says she is, and she has a really harsh, unnatural, hard-livin’ look to her.  Don’t like her at all.

Patti insults a few others, has one take off her heels so she’s the appropriate height for Chris, all your usual casting shenanigans.  As usual, the insults are cringe-worthy.  Patti also insults all of NYC, saying the women here are terrible about fashion.  The women of NY may be smart, but the women in LA know how to work a little black dress.  Yes, but NY is a fashion capital of the WORLD, and LA is a good place to buy something to surf in or make porn movies in.  (These women do wear some ugly stuff, I’ll admit.)

Becca comes in, and Patti picks her right away for Albie.  She’s pretty, but I think she’s lying when she says she’s ready to get married.  (That’s admittedly a tough question to answer.  I mean, you are or you aren’t, but when it comes down to it, it all depends on the dude you’re talking about marrying, right??)

Patti likes this girl Nicole for Albie, and she’s adorable.  She’s a high school English teacher who’s cute as a button.  But she’s Jewish.  Patti’s a little stymied, until Destin and Rachel remind Patti that they’re multi-religious and do just fine.  Nicole offers that she grew up with a Christmas tree and stockings in the house because her parents didn’t want her to feel left out with the other kids, so BAM, she’s in.

That leaves them one girl short for Chris, but Rachel reminds them of a petite cutie from last week’s session, so she’s chosen as the final girl.  There, we have three for each guy, and life is wonderful.

Time for Patti and Destin to enjoy some bagels, lox, and schmear up on Patti’s rooftop patio.  Patti’s hoggin’ it up, good for her.  (We don’t see her sprinkling Sense tastants on her food though.)  She admits she’s hard on the girls in NYC for their looks, but it’s because they’re not trying as hard as the girls are in LA.  They’re not bringing their A-games. Destin defends the East coast girls for their natural beauty–in LA, everyone’s got fake tits and fake lips. Patti agrees, the women here are better for being more natural, but they just aren’t as feminine.  Shrug. I disagree, but I’m not a millionaire matchmaker, so who cares what I think.

Do-do-rag-rag-rag, do-do-rag-rag

Before Albie meets up with his potential dates, Patti has him meet with a body language expert, Dr. Lillian Glass.  This way, Albie can better learn how to suss out the good girls from the bad.  Who’s out for his fame, and who really wants to get to know HIM for him.  It all ends up being basic stuff–body positioning, playing with hair, where the person is looking.  I have two asides to make about all of this.  First of all, Albie complained that he meets girls and at first it’s going well, but then they all seem to want to know about the TV show and meet his mom, etc.  Well, don’t you expect that sometimes, the magic has worn off and the girl has checked out, so she figures she might as well try to meet the mom before cutting and running?  It’s like having sex with someone on a date when you know there’s no future with ‘em–might as well get what you can before you check out.  The girl’s friends are probably KILLING her with inquiry, too!  “Have you met his mom?  Are you going to be on TV?!”  I’m a reasonable girl, a private(ish) girl, and my friends are all smart and emotionally intelligent, but I’m sure at least two of them would be nagging me about the Real Housewives angle. My second aside is this:  the body language expert warns Albie against a girl who’s too fidgety with her appearance–self-grooming too much while talking, etc., because that indicates low self-confidence.  Um, what about nerves?  I fix my hair and check for boogies all the time during first dates–because I want to look good, not because I worry that I DON’T!  Ugh.  Actually, the woman seems really cool, but this is all Yahoo.com and MSN.com article kind of advice.

Finally, the unconventional mixer gets started.  Patti greets the six girls, who are arranged around a large table at the Brownstone, awaiting lunch.  They all look nice. It’s fine.  Chris and Albie are backstage with Patti, Destin, Rachel, Andreea, and Caroline and Lauren Manzo.  Destin set up a spy camera to watch the girls when the guys aren’t in the room, as well as helping Dr. Lillian Glass (who’s there, too) observe the dates in action. The girls don’t know that Chris and Albie are their millionaires. (And really, they aren’t millionaires. Maybe their parents are.  Maybe.)

Patti preps the girls for the situation, that the “millionaires” are late, and that Chris and Albie will keep them company until the millionaires arrive.  The gang watches backstage as the girls stare nervously at each other.  They aren’t interacting with each other at all.  I guess they’re just sizing each other up as competition, AND they’re nervous?  I don’t know.   I’m not sure how chatty I’d be in this situation either.

Chris and Albie come out, and they offer to get the girls drinks.  Violeta asks for tequila right away, and Albie’s like, “holy shit.” Backstage, Caroline shakes her head–Violeta’s a no. Patti says that Violeta’s got her “stripper guns blazin’, with her tatas out to China”. HA!  When Albie heads backstage, he comments about Violeta drinking the hard stuff at 11 AM, confirming for everyone that he’s got some sense.  Patti tells him to get back out there and talk to the girl he likes the most so far.

Chris is firing on all cylinders, too, crushing right away on the skinny sweetie from the South.  She’s in town for the summer for a fashion internship.  That’s fine, Chris wasn’t looking for a permanent girlfriend or anything, just some dates.  They really do seem to hit it off well.  More than that, backstage, Momma Manzo likes the girl and the body language expert approves.  She’s a hit!

Albie’s still working at his decision, asking the girls about their ideal date.  Nikki, the cute as a button schoolteacher who’s Jewish but had stockings for Christmas, pipes up to say that it doesn’t really matter, as long as you’re in good company.  Awww.

Then Becca, some other dark-haired girl (who looks totally different from the casting) gets attention with her wrist tattoo.  It’s that quote about the unexamined life, whatever.  She looks like a super-low-rent Megan Fox.  Albie seems attracted, but then she talks about TV and acting, and you can see him shut down a bit.  The body language expert and the mom and the matchmaker don’t really feel it for this chick either—they really want Albie to pick Nikki.  (Later, that chick asks directly about the TV show.  Bad movie, chickie.)

The last time the boys head back to the gang watching the spy-cam, Caroline says, “Listen to Mommy. You have your guard up. Let it down.”  I love her firm way, and that family is actually pretty awesome, but I think it’s a little weird to tell a grown man to “listen to Mommy.”  I only call my Dad “daddy” when I’m teasing him about him being overly protective.  (I almost went in a different direction with the daddy joke, but I just couldn’t do it.  I don’t joke about sex with my dad!!!  Because it’s not a laughing matter, it’s serious!  Oh, there, I did a dad sex joke anyway.  Now I need to go shower.)

These guys have sex with their dads all the time.  Oh, I”M KIDDING!!!

Finally, this charade is over.  Patti comes out to tell the girls that, viola, THESE are their millionaires.  Applause!  Most of the girls look shocked.  And now we learn who picked whom.  Chris isn’t a question—he picked Rachel, the fashion intern from the south.  And Albie?  He seemed to have a penis pointing towards low-rent Megan Fox, but in the end, he chose super-cute Nikki.  Yay!

Hottie, and hottie!

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment this week, a lovely blonde at the casting brings for the matchmakers a box of quality truffles.  Patti effusively thanks the girl and digs right in.  Destin, though, worries about being poisoned.  And he sounds serious.  What a weirdo.  The segment ends with Patti telling us about Cleopatra’s food-taster.  Seriously.

So, the dates.  The dates are dates, and there’s honestly not a whole lot to say about them.

Chris takes Rachel to Medieval Times, that themed restaurant that’s like a Renaissance Fair indoors, complete with knights jousting and eating turkey legs and drinking mead.  They have the place to themselves, which I kinda hate.  Part of the fun of going out is people watching!  It’s nice to have that privacy, and I’m sure that Bravo production kinda demands it, but still, no thanks.  The staff makes Chris and Rachel change into medieval clothing, which looks itchy and smelly.  Later, they have to eat with their hands, which Rachel’s not a big fan of.  Then they watch some jousting.  And sword fighting.  Eh.

Ugh. Again.

They head off to a different restaurant for dessert and a little more intimacy with which to conduct their date. It all seems to be going fine and whatever.  Then Rachel asks leadingly, “So you’ll have to show me around…?”  “Yeah, I’ll show you around.”  Then she pretty much asks HIM out by asking what they’ll be doing after this.  Chris is either playing stupid or actually is, because he says, “After this, I’m just gonna go home.”  No no, make the second date, ya dingus!  Also, no hug and kiss at all?

Meanwhile, Albie has Nikki meet him at the docks—they’re taking a yacht tour around NYC.  Nikki looks great—I love her dress.  They have champagne as the boat sets sail, and their rapport seems pretty easy.  I think it’s just that Albie is a nice guy, and Nikki is a nice girl.  So, it’s that easy!  The chemistry’s a different thing—we’ll see about that.  (I’m having a hard time reading it.  She seems like she might just be being nice.  What do you think?)

After the boat thing, they also head off for dessert somewhere nice. They talk about Patti for a bit.  Nikki thinks Patti is scary, but Albie thinks she’s cool.  That leads to Nikki admitting that Albie’s mom is a little intimidating.  And then they talk about religion in their families.  Hey, this seems to be a for-real date.  Sweet.

Not liking her body language.

Okay, I’m running out of steam and have been writing the second half of this recap with a raging hangover, so let’s wrap it up.  It’s the date post-mortem time!

Patti calls Rachel first, who tells Patti about the Medieval Times date (“rookie mistake,” Patti calls it) and how Chris didn’t seem to close the deal.  Maybe he wasn’t interested, Rachel!  Patti also calls Nikki, who tells us that she enjoyed the date, that Albie called her on his own, and he asked her out again.  She says some other stuff that I can’t make out, and stupid Bravo didn’t subtitle it at all.  For all the subtitling they do at other useless times, they couldn’t do it now??

The boys come in to meet with Patti personally.  Patti’s all smiles for Albie and congratulates him, but she warns him against him introducing Nikki to his family too soon.  Yeah, you don’t do that too early in the first place, let alone when you are the one concerned about a girl being a fame-whore!!  Patti also asks him about cutting the cord from Momma Manzo.  Whoa!  Ha!

Patti tells Chris that the Renaissance fair date sucked, that eating a turkey leg with no utensils isn’t a way to foster romance, blah blah blah.  Chris is like, “Dude, Albie and his boat ride?  That ain’t my style.”  So he’s fine with it.  And it turns out he’s already called Rachel to set up another date, so Patti doesn’t need to coach him on that.

Captions of infinite wisdom, won’t you please tell us how the rest of this went down for Chris and Albie?  Chris and Rachel never saw each other again.  Burn!  How about Albie and his nice girl Nikki?  The caption tells us that they still see each other and are taking it slowly.  Awww.

So that’s that!  What’d you think?