Millionaire Matchmaker: It’s all men! For men!

“I might be a man.”

Well hello, ‘Gasmii! Are you ready for a very gay episode of Millionaire Matchmaker? You know, with homosexuals? I have no idea if they’re happy, you’d have to ask them. Or we’ll find out at the end. Whatever.

(I come to you frazzled from moving my world from my apartment over to my honey’s house, so please forgive me my brevity!)

We get started right away this time, no bullshit pre-credit opener with Patti and her gaggle of hags. No, it’s Patti meeting Madison Hildebrand from Million Dollar Listing, to quaff cocktails (water for Madison, it seems) and talk about gay matchmaking. I like Patti’s shirt.

“Hi honey, that Sensa worked okay, I guess!”

Ugh, Patti, you gotta stop getting your eyes tightened. They look weird, like she got a bad skin graft or something. She’s otherwise aging so well, just let your genes do their work, gurl!

Madison’s not that thrilled about letting Patti match him up. Apparently, his biggest issue is with the mixer. I wonder what his issue is with it. Is he too private? If that’s the reason, then I call bullshit because ‘mo is on Bravo. Ain’t no privacy with that, motherfucker.

Oh, and apparently he doesn’t even let his friends set him up. So, he really just doesn’t need male attention? He’s one of those? Patti encourages him to sleep on it, get back to her so she can do what she loves.

Patti arrives the next day at the office, ready to find some love. She’s wearing sparkly pee-too pumps (I’m leaving that typo there for your amusement), which are apparently making her very happy and positive today. Whatever works.

So who else are we matching up this week? (Patti seems to think Madison is on board now. I guess we wouldn’t bother to see her meeting with him to convince him if he ultimately said no, right? I’m naive.)

Our other dude is Eric, a late-40’s guy who Destin describes as “being really into bettering himself.” Like, attending seminars. Oh, one of those. Patti cuts Destin off to find out his celebrity crushes: Ryan Reynolds and Paul Rudd. Good choices, Eric. We see his brief DVD intro, where we learn he’s a TV producer and that he owns a pink car. Patti squeals at this, which is strange, and then she says she wants to marry him. Right.

“No, I’m not closed off from my feelings, why do you ask?”

Patti keeps cooing about this guy as he speaks, agreeing with what he says he wants, hoping she can find it for him. I have to say, of all the self-serving narcissists we usually get on this show, this guy actually seems like a real deal guy looking for love. I could be very wrong, and I usually am, but for now, I’m going to go with it. Madison, though, just wants more TV exposure, shy boy that he is.

Patti heads right out to meet with Eric personally. I love his home’s entrance, which is actually a solid wooden door/gate that opens out to a lush patio. I want this entrance! (Naughty.) He’s got two stout dogs, they look like curly-coated labs, maybe? He likes to run with them in Runyon Canyon, he likes to bike, he likes to throw Frisbees to the dogs in the pool. All good stuff. Not good? His shiny button-down shirt.

Or the postal worker vibe that vest is givin’ off.

So, what is Eric’s deal? Patti wants to know. His last relationship lasted 6 years, which is forever in the gay dating world. It ultimately ended because the guy was too dependent on Eric, didn’t have his own passions or life, really, it sounds like. Eric wants someone who’s got his own good thing going on. Apparently other relationships have ended up this way, which leads Patti to deem Eric as having “stray syndrome.” You know, he picks up strays and takes care of them instead of having them as a partner. Never good.

Patti wants Eric to meet with her friend , Dr. Nicki, whom I think we met a few seasons before. Maybe with Crazy Shauna? I think she susses out people’s energy or some bullshit like that. Basically, Patti wants to shift Eric’s gaze so that he is able to recognize the right guy for him when he meets him. Right now, he’ll find the wounded bird in the crowd and focus on him. Eric is open to the coaching, going as far as to thank Patti explicitly for the coaching when they hug goodbye. He’s very formal about it.

Patti heads over to Madison’s house next, meeting his adorable doggy Rex. “You have a big dog for a gay guy.” My boyfriend and I laughed. What?? What Madison has is terrible grammar. “Some of the benefits of working as hard as I do is that I have some disposable income, and since I don’t have a family…” and so on. You know, that pesky plural noun agreement shit. He also maybe needs some better teeth.

Making business calls while standing on outdoor beds…

…wearing dumb hats while trying to woo Tom Ford…

…well, maybe he should have done the polo date last weekend instead!

Madison wants what we all want, someone genuine and good looking. That’s all.

Madison’s really concerned about the mixer. What if he doesn’t connect with anyone? “Then your dick is dead, cuz I’m gonna bring it,” Patti says. Then she asks about previous relationships. Apparently, his last relationship was with a production assistant. You know, someone on the same socioeconomic level as him, right? Right.

Two jerk-0ff (hands)

My favorite part is that Patti accuses Madison of being lazy. Lazy in love, a lazy lion, waiting for someone else to be the aggressor and make things happen. It kinda fits with his very lazy way of talking. Like, I get the southern California relaxed vibe and all, but he sounds totally disengaged from the whole thing. He’s too busy to date, which prompts Patti’s “jerk off hand.” She looks like she’s jerking off a lion, she’s moving her arm so much. Then again, when I make the jerk-off motion, it’s like I’m playing a wild trombone, so what do I know?

So, instead of the crazy good-times mixer Patti usually throws, she’s going to hand-pick about four guys for each dude. Eric’s older and is looking for an older match, so this shouldn’t be a problem. We say this now…

Oh, and Patti reminds Madison to hold his pickle in his pants, no whipping it out. You know, the whole “no sex before monogamy” routine. Madison laughs. Oh, ew, she said something about “crossing the streams.” Didn’t she say something like that earlier, something about sword-fighting? Patti really wants to watch gay guys do it, I think.

Eric arrives to meet with Dr. Nicki. Oh, that woman. She didn’t meet with Crazy Shauna from MN, I think she met with the woman two seasons ago who thought she might be a lesbian, who dated a woman for her master date (a woman named Taylor who looked like Taylor Lautner, right? In those stupid Dougie-style skinny jeans? They went roller skating? Right?).

“Let’s talk about feelings.” “No.”

Anyway, they sit down to chat. Eric’s face reminds me of a Nickelodeon cartoon. Someone from Rugrats, maybe? Anyone see it? Man, I’m terrible. Anyway, Eric feels resentful when his partners end up being dirtbag hangers-on. Dr. Nicki kinda points out that while LA is the land of the hotties, it’s also the land of the rich. Why has Eric been consistently partnering up with the poors?

Maybe not The Rugrats.

Maybe this guy?

I know, I’m mean, and I’m not perfect either.  Which is why I don’t put myself on TV!  Besides, people would see ME and say, “Hey, that girl looks like Hagrid!”

Eric swallows hard when Dr. Nicki suggests that Eric’s been making bad choices. He listens carefully when Dr. Nicki also suggests that he’s been choosing these poor simpletons because he’s shallow, because he’s afraid of meeting an equal, because it’s easier to protect his heart this way. “A broken heart is the one that lets the light in,” she advises. An unbroken heart atrophes. Go, Dr. Nicki!

No regular ol’ casting call for these two gays, we’re going all out on a sunny hotel rooftop bar! Destin’s got his ‘hawk back in full effect, and Rachel’s attempting the poor-man’s Betty Page look. Red curler bang, huge sunglasses, red lips lined in black, and a really cute dress. C’mon, you can’t hate on the dress.

I want the dress.

For Eric, they’re looking for “a guy who desires him, not needs him.” Oooh. For Madison, they’re looking for a Latino version of Madison. LOL.

Right away, we meet the overly-muscled Prince Valiant dorkus in the boyshort speedo. You didn’t see it on the commercials or previews, but you know how they comment about his junk? Well, when he walked in and we got a side-shot of it, holy shit. Oh, he’s an underwear model. Patti calls him out for coloring his own hair. “Yeah, you can tell.” It DOES look bad. It’s that brassy reddish blonde shit. She calls him a butter-face, or as her mom called it, “A 50-yarder,” good from 50 yards away, but once up close, yeouch. Thing is, he’s not ugly. His hair is just that bad.

Yuck.

Always hated that comic. Why is it in the funny pages if it’s not funny??

Oh no, I think I’ll be spending more time on this casting session than I usually do, cuz it’s too entertaining. The next guy is asked to remove his shirt, and he whines, “If you want to see it…?” He looks like a real nerd, by the way. Oh, he took his shirt off—not a nerd! Wow. Oh, and Patti intends to ask each man to take off his shirt, “so I can see the slip-n-slides in person.” EW. My innards just threw up.

Okay, actually, the nerd guy with the good body is a good fit for Eric. He’s smart and accomplished and is marrying some people next week or something. Another guy gets in for Eric because he just got back from a meditation retreat in Bali.

Okay, not bad.

Then we meet some Brazilian dude who owns a gay social club, and he’s asked to take off his shirt. It’s nice. He’s for Madison.

That’d be the guy in the middle.

John, the stock broker, has the cutest smile. Patti’s all giggly because she thinks this guy looks like Paul Rudd. Huh? He looks nothing like him, unless we were meeting the “white” and “has darker hair” qualifications only. So, he’s for Eric.

Twins!

Then there’s some guy with body paint stuck to him. It’s from last week. They ask if he bathes, and the editing makes it look like he doesn’t answer. Then he interviews to goofily giggle about it, saying he DOES bathe. He has a dog-doo snowcone on his head, by the way. His hair is terrible. You saw it, right?

Ugh.

Did you see The Break-Up? Remember Jennifer Aniston’s brother? I know, he’s been in a ton of other movies, but I just saw The Break-Up recently so it’s fresh. The Tone Deafs or whatever the a capella group was? The Tone Rangers! Anyway, there’s one guy they talk to who is a dead ringer for that guy.

“Move yourself. You always live your life, never thinking of the future.”

Oh Jesus, this one guy is nasty. Michael. He looks like a busted-ass Brad Pitt stunt double. Oh, and he has Carrot Top mouth. Gross. Wait, IS that Carrot Top? No, he doesn’t have those RIDICULOUS triceps/deltoids.

Yuck!!!

And that’s that.

Well, except for that. Nice tanktop, I bought the same one from Target last weekend.  Xhilaration, right?

So sexy, right? Looks NOTHING like an awkward “first day of school” shot, right?

That guy!  Didn’t he go on a date two seasons ago with an asshole?  Was it the guy who looked like Shaggy, the extreme environmental guy who balked when he wanted to order red meat?

So, now it’s time for the mixer. Madison needs to not be lazy, and Eric needs to open up a little—and not pick wounded birds. They all meet at some swanky pad in Beverly Hills. As Madison walks up, I notice how much taller Eric is. And Madison is well-established and has a passion. Wouldn’t it be great if those two just hooked up and that’s that? Oh wait, Madison’s probably too picky to go out with Eric. And I was right, Eric thinks Madison’s a little hottie.

“Meet my gays!”

Oh, here’s the part from the previews. “You can’t go in, in, or in,” pointing to the mouth, crotch, and butt. Rachel corrects her, “There’s no [front] in…” Right, men don’t have vaginas, Patti, even if they’re gay! Ew, someone says “sword fight” again. Yuck.

MAN, that guy looks like the Tone Rangers guy.

Eric is laughing a little too hard at Patti’s jokes, and then he fist-bumps Madison, who’s like, “Um, what?” Whatever. Each guy gets a mini-date with our millionaires. So let’s go. (And honestly, unless something earth-shattering happens, I’m not tit-for-tatting all EIGHT dates.)

Oh boy, Madison is a lazy dater! He’s just casually asking questions and these poor guys are jumping through hoops. It’s very awkward. He and Tone Rangers connect on the “White Teeth” platform, though!

Eric is even more awkward. Like, there’s a moment where I cringe, when he’s done talking to his not-Paul-Rudd lookalike and he kinda blinks and gulps. Awkward! He’s much better with the guy who just got back from Bali, though, since he just got back from Australia! Oh wait, then Eric insults the guy, saying Australians are bad dressers. WHAT?!

Madison perks up a little when talking to Charlie (I think), some doofus who supposedly “fixed” his hair prior to these minidates. He looks just as bad, if you ask me. He high-fives Madison as they talk about surfing. Yes, high-fives are excellent date prognosticators.

Charlie’s hair is only marginally better.

The Carrot Top guy dyed his hair at Patti’s suggestion, but he’s still got a busted face. But so does Eric, so it’s okay! They get off to a shaky start, but it gets a little easier. I have a feeling this guy, Michael, an event planner, is the wounded bird who’s NOT Eric’s best match. So why is he here??! Is this Patti’s stupid test rearing its ugly head?

Not-Nerd engineer guy talks to Eric next, and they seem like a really good match. Eric should definitely pick him unless he says something really stupid. Same goes for Madison and the Brazilian guy—they seem to have good chemistry so far.

So Madison, for all his worries about not connecting with anyone, is interested in TWO guys. Charlie with the weird hair  and Luciano, the Brazilian. Yup. He feels like Charlie is more organic and genuine. Eric actually likes three of his four. Really, he liked Carrot Top? He did!

“I love cotton candy haired ingenues!”

So, who’d they choose? Eric chose Chris, the not-nerd! Yes, good! And Madison chose Organic Charlie!

In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment, Patti rails harder on the body paint guy, the guy with the swizzle afro. She thought he was really, really dumb.

(Oh look! They’re playing The Break-Up on Bravo this weekend!)

Time for the dates! Charlie meets Madison at the beach to go paddleboarding. They flirt a little as they apply sunscreen. They’re both so thin! I like a little meat on a guy’s bones. But I’m not a gay dude. If I were, I guess I’d like bears? Yeah.

Charlie does NOT possess the Slip n’ Slide. THANK GOD.

Rubbin’ bones is not sexy.

Aww, they’re cute. They’re just paddling and chatting. Charlie repeats something his yoga teacher has said, about how we’re human BEINGS not human DOINGS. I like that, I really do. Looks like they both had a great time. Go get cleaned up and meet up again for dinner now, please!

Eric and Chris also meet on the beach, only Eric’s got horses. It’s a cowboy date! And Eric plops a huge, weird hat on Chris’s head. (His own hat is tiny and more appropriately shaped.) And they’re off! They’re chatting about stuff when all of a sudden, Eric’s horse takes off in a trot, but since Eric’s NEVER ridden a horse before, he’s like, “oh shit.” Probably kicking his heels in, too, which spurs poor Trigger on. Chris laughs and chases. They both lose their hats. Then we get saddlehorn-cam, which is unnecessary.

“No, I’m not controlling at all.”

Those are some small horses!

Not doing well.

Unnecessary! And suggestive!

No straight man would gesture like that after successfully getting off a horse.

Back to Madison and Charlie. They meet for dinner on the beach, under a nice wide cabana of curtains. (Is that what a cabana is, am I being totally redundant?) Madison puts on his old-man sweater to ask Charlie some questions. They talk about vacations, and from that, apparently, they know they have a lot in common. Madison starts making really basic relationship statements, like how communication is key, and Charlie is overly agreeable about it. You know how you really WANT there to be a connection, so you just agree about everything, even if it’s dumb, like, “I like breathing air,” “OMG, me too!!!”

“What a lovely meal.” *snooooooore*

Anyway, they’re off to a good start already, and then Madison asks if they can set up a second date. Charlie’s all in, so it’s a date. That was easy! Good! I’m sure it won’t last beyond another date or two, but it was nice to watch nonetheless! (I don’t think they kissed, did they? I’m almost getting a BFF vibe from them, honestly.)

Time for Eric and Chris to have some grub. They’re both in sport coats, sitting on a deck at the beach. Aren’t they hot? And why are they facing away from the water? Idiots! Anyway, Eric seems kinda stuffy, but I can tell there’s a fun-loving soul in there. Chris can see it, too, I think, and tries to draw it out, but he also plays well off the stuffy guy, too. I end up really liking Chris. Can WE be BFF? He tells Eric his vulnerability is attractive, which I think calms Eric down and allows him to be even more vulnerable. Aww.

Aww, Chris asks to see Eric again, and he asks if he can plan it. Sweet. Eric looks thrilled. Then Eric says, “I say we kiss.” “Right now? Sure,” Chris agrees. It’s more funny than it is sweet, but good for them.

Sport-coat smooches!

Okay, almost done!

Patti calls Chris the next day to find out how things went. She asks about chemistry with a zillion different questions, and Chris just says, “Well, we DID kiss,” and reports on the upcoming second date. Then Eric comes in, beaming. He really digs Chris and his ability to get past the shyness. Patti’s thrilled, too, and warns Eric not to fuck it up.

How about Charlie and Madison? Charlie had a great time, and when asked, says that Madison wasn’t necessarily lazy but wasn’t too aggressive either. Madison comes in, also had a great time. Patti asks the lazy lion question AGAIN (if I never hear “lazy lion” again, it will be too soon!), and Madison says almost the exact same answer Charlie gave. They really do seem to be in sync. That’s lovely!

“I’m awesome.”

Captions of Truth, though, tell all. And what say they? Eric and Chris went on some more dates, and Eric is happy that he opened up his heart. Well, that sounds like a bust. Like, Eric got some spiritual growth out of it, great, but doesn’t sound promising for the relationship. As for Madison, he’s totally a lazy lion—GRRRR!—and hasn’t planned that second date with Charlie yet. Oh well, you snooze, you lose. Maybe Charlie and Luciano can go out on a great date instead!

“I’m too busy getting my cock sucked in real estate, no time to date.”

Next week! I will be set up in my new home office in my honey’s house, AND the following might happen on this show: there’s a plastic surgeon, there’s pole-dancing, there’s boxing, and there’s a brash blonde who may get a makeover. I can’t even tell what’s happening, but come back for the hot mess anyway! Bye!