Millionaire Matchmaker: It’s NYC, Bitches!

Oh holy shit, Millionaire Matchmaker is back!!!

Welcome!  Some of you may remember my recaps from the last season of Millionaire Matchmaker, and some of you may be new.  Some of you may not give a shit if you’ve read me before or not.  Whatever your history and your feelings, I welcome you to Season 4 of this hot mess.  Patti decided to switch things up a bit, heading east to go make a mess of NYC. How do you think it’s going to go?  Personally, I think Patti’s personality is all east coast, so I expect her to relate to her millionaire clients a little better.  Then again, she’s got her head up her ass, so maybe not.

Let’s get one thing out of the way, because it kiiiiinda annoys me just a little when I see this same comment pop up on the recaps or in the forums.  YES, it’s ironic that Patti herself has a shitty love life even though she’s herself a matchmaker.  Yes, Andy ran screaming. Yes, she should follow her own rules and should have ditched Andy when she knew all along he didn’t want kids.  And yes, it’s highly likely that the way she conducts her ACTUAL matchmaking business is way different from what we’re seeing on TV. There, that’s out of the way. We said it. Feel free to say it again every week in the comments, of course, because I love you.  I just had to get that out.

Okay, enough with the preamble, let’s get started!  I’mma pour myself a fresh rum drink to be able to persevere. (I just finished Thintervention about two seconds ago.) (And I’d REALLY rather be watching the Phillies game!)

Patti meets with Destin and Rachel at some rooftop bar in LA.  I’m sure it’s because they’re, ya know, filming a TV show, but no one’s wearing sunglasses and everyone looks like they really want to be wearing sunglasses.  They discuss the business in totally fake, scripted way. “Oh yes, we are getting a ton of inquiry from New York City,” Rachel drones. Patti agrees to it quickly, probably because we’ve all known about it for months so the jig is up.  She expects that the men won’t be the issue–it’s gonna be those crafty, smart, uptight east coast women that she’ll have to break.  Yay!

Patti’s finally in NYC proper, being driven to her new office in a black Range Rover.  She squeals with excitement to be back in New York, and she’s also excited to help the daters of NYC find love. The ratio for women is especially brutal in this town–it’s five women for every one dude.  Ouch.  Them’s bad odds. Someone’s walking a Great Dane puppy in an establishing shot and I want to give it big hugs and kisses because it is SO CUTE.  Oh, and Patti expects to deal with a LOT of brunettes this season.

I wonder if she’ll be checking the matching of the carpets and drapes.  Oh wait, no one cares when it’s a brunette, right?  Just us redheads?

While Patti’s dropping her bags off at her apartment, Destin, Rachel, and the new assistant/intern, Andreea (pronounced “On-DRAY-uh”), are setting up the new office. (Chelsea’s OUT, and I think there’s some gag order with the court between ‘em or something.  Google it and let me know in the comments!)  It looks pretty nice–like the offices of Kelly Cuotrone’s PR firm minus all the junk.  Just clean tables and lots of loft space.  Andreea is fussing with how some empty file folders are arranged on Patti’s desk, which is stupid.

Nice stems, actually! From afar, that is.

Apparently this is Destin’s gig to succeed or fail–Patti’s just here to match people up and bring the camera crew.  She checks in to see how Destin and gang are faring so far with the clientele.  Apparently, they’ve been slammed.  Good for us!  More drama!

Patti addresses the fact that Andreea is, well, gorgeous.  Tall (enough), thin (enough), healthy, with a great smile.  “Do we have twenty of her?”  Patti also asks Andreea about her partying ways, which she’s heard a bit about. Andreea doesn’t take it as an insult at all (though Patti’s tone suggests it might be), just gets to work.  Patti’s all business, too, so let’s go!

First DVD is of some poor schmuck named Derek Tabacco.  Seriously. (And no, I didn’t spell it wrong.)  He is the quintessential New Yawker.  He’s seated in front of the camera in his suit, which he’s forgotten to unbutton, so he looks awkward.  His tie is hanging out the bottom of the jacket, too, which looks like maybe his wang is hanging out, too.  His receding hair line is slicked back, and he’s got the Pesci accent down pat.  BUT, he seems like a good guy.  Nevermind that he looks like an adult version of Vinny from Jersey Shore. Because Derek says he prefers butts to boobs (“anyone can buy boobs”), Patti thinks he likes strippers.  I didn’t make that leap, but okay.  She’s written him off as a douche who wants a stripper plaything.

NOT Derek Tabacco, but close.

Millionaire #2 is actually a millionairess, Bryce Gruber.  Destin introduces her as being like Charlotte from Sex and the City, with Rachel chiming in to call her prissy.  She’s actually the heir to the Dannon fortune, and at 26, she’s a single mom of a 1.5 year old son (the father is 50+ years old, FYI).  She also runs a website called The Luxury Spot.  She’s vivacious enough in her video, but that’s the last of the life you’ll see in this girl.  I promise lots of variations of “stony” and “cold” for this one.  Just you wait. Oh, and she’s got a list of “can’t stands” to bring to the table.  Don’t wear Ed Hardy (copy that), don’t be from Staten Island, and don’t go to a tanning salon.  She’d ultimately like a taller, Jewish George Clooney.  GOOD LUCK.  Patti takes a swipe at her fellow Jew’s big nose.  Not nice!  (“Schnozolla,” though.  HA!)

I must note–Patti’s not sitting on the desk!  Andreea took her spot!  The horror!  (Actually, this is good.  I’d rather think of Andreea’s snail trail than Patti’s.  Right?)

Patti and her driver Deshawne (the saint) head out to meet with Derek Tabacco first.  Her main goal with Derek is to get him to learn how to choose women better.  Learn to qualify them better.  More on that in a moment.  She knocks on his door and is greeted warmly, because he’s a nice guy.  Wait a sec, time for his official intro.

I said, ‘Wait a sec’.  And I meant it.

Derek and his hairplugs were born in Manhattan but raised in Staten Island.  He’s wearing a dark suit with a cream colored tie on a white shirt. He owns real estate in NYC, Bermuda, and beyond.  He and his brothers have a, ahem, custom-made van that they use as a limo to drive around NYC in.  I guess that stands out?  And is more practical?  But wow, I’m not impressed. It really is Vinny all grown up!  Just look at Derek with his family at dinner!  Look at the blonde wood china hutch with the junk inside!

Oh, remember the penis doing the picking?  Here it is!  Patti gets irrationally outspoken to Derek about his penis picking women who aren’t right for him, and how he needs to zip up his penis when he’s with a woman who doesn’t meet his list of qualifiers.  What list of qualifiers, you ask?  Oh, he needs to make one!   He’s also aghast at having to wait until monogamy to be able to sleep with a girl, but he’s willing to try, to follow Patti’s rules.

Now Patti heads off to meet Bryce.  She’s expecting her to be one cold sonofabitch. (Daughterofabitch?)  And instead, Patti’s a cold sonofabitch!  They meet in a restaurant, and Patti can barely look at the girl.   Wow, such a difference in tone in Patti between Bryce and Derek!

A quick Google search reveals that Bryce is rumored to replace Kelly BatshitSimon on RHONY.  Seriously?

Let’s formally meet Bryce, shall we?  Again, she’s 26, she’s got a son, she owns that online magazine, and she’s rich.  She’s really pretty but she’s got such a bad ‘tude.  Patti asks Bryce for exactly what she wants.  Bryce really is stuck on the older man concept–men her age are immature.  (And yes, men at age 26 pretty much ARE immature.)  Patti asks about Bryce’s appearance requirements and balks dramatically at Bryce asking for Clooney.  “That’s reaching the bar.”  Um, no, that’s “setting the bar pretty high”.  Reaching it would mean you found a man as hot as Clooney.  Don’t you all miss Patti’s mish-mash of the English language?  (Earlier, she said she hadn’t “eaten or drunken”.  Love her!)

So, it’s time to cast the dates for the mixer.  Ugh.  You all love this as much as I do, right?  I still don’t know for sure how she casts for the dates, but I really suspect it’s on Craig’s List.  I saw them casting for the millionaires themselves on Bravo’s sites, but what about the dregs that show up to audition?

“Hey, nerds.”

For the record, Patti’s looking for a hot, down-to-earth girl for Derek and a tall Jewish guy with a good career and “Dad” type of energy for Bryce.  Also, why is Rachel still shopping at Hot Topic?  Does Hot Topic still exist?  I’ve outgrown it–help me out here.  The skulls on her shirt are atrocious.

First we’re looking for the hot chicks for Derek.  One woman is too “mommy” for everyone–Destin says she makes him want to eat cereal on the couch in his jammies.  Another girl is criticized for her belt, and a third is asked to switch loyalties from the Mets to the Yankees.   (She agrees to do it.  Sell out!)

Then we look for hotties for Bryce.  Joel’s on deck first, and he’s pretty cute.  Then there’s some bozo 50-yr-old with five kids who’s in real estate, who’s an atheist (and says his church is “in his mind”).  Cuckoo!  Patti kicks him out.  Then some super-old guy comes in with his white suit and bowler hat.  He’s Cuban or Spanish or both, and he’s a mess.  He sounds like an old Scarface.  Patti doesn’t want him to say hello to anyone’s little friend.

Patti’s pissy about Andreea being a pretty slacker.  I don’t think this is Andreea’s fault, but okay.  Blame Rachel and the skulls on her boobies.

A few more cute Jewish men make the cut for Bryce, including a super-serious comedian guy who makes a living across the country being funny.  Huh, how about that?  There’s one more match for Derek, a soccer-mom haired woman in a too-big dress.  She’s cute, she’s educated, she’s age-appropriate, but she seems a little….desperate, maybe?

Time for the mixer.  Patti meets with Derek to make sure he’s on track with his list of non-negotiables.  He is, though he didn’t write it down like she asked.  He memorized it instead.  So, #1: she has to want kids; #2: she has to come from a good family; #3: she has to have friends (he’s dated women who don’t have friends, and they’re nuts); #4: she has to be spontaneous; and #5: she has to be hot.  Patti’s amused but thinks he’s on track.  Let’s see if he can pick the right girl with that list.

Patti, that saucy minx, brings Bryce out to sit with Derek a bit before things get started. Who knows, maybe they’ll hit it off together and that’s that?  Nah.  Bryce is a little more open with Derek than she is with guys we’ll see later, but she’s just not his type and he’s not nearly hot enough for her.  So they just make pleasant chit-chat.

“So, you’re a snot and you want strippers.  Just summarizing.”

Before the mixer really gets started, Patti reminds the daters of her rules:  no sex before monogamy, and two drink maximum at the mixer. And then the moment we’ve all been waiting for:  “Meet my millionaires!”  Derek’s excited; Bryce is (self-described) “ambivalent.”  She’s also wearing an impossibly short skirt.

Mingle, mingle. Bryce calls out some guy for being an internet spammer.  Soccer-mom hair sounds too rehearsed when she meets Derek. Patti really wants Bryce to “shape up or shape out.”  Oh, Patti!!!  Derek finds himself captivated with a young hottie (Colby) who likes mozzarella.  Who DOESN”T like mozzarella?  Christ.

Patti addresses Bryce’s lack of interest in the men she brought, and eventually tells her to hit the door, get outta here, find yourself something better–oh, that’s right, you can’t.  Bryce just laughs.  Seriously, though, if I were Bryce, I’d be pretty underwhelmed with who was put in front of me at this mixer. I mean, there are some cute and funny regular Joes in there, but nothing that’d move a super-rich woman who likes older men, ya know?  So Bryce is definitely stuck up, but I see her point.  C’mon, Patti!  In the end, Patti offers Bryce this choice:  go with Patti’s picks, or leave.  Bryce lets Patti do her job, so Patti picks a few dudes.

(Sorry for the blue page-turn thingie.  My new method of capturing photos kinda makes that appear without my control.)  Anyway, that’s Bryce, on the outside, looking in. She can see through you, see your true colors.  Cuz inside you’re ugly, ugly like her.  She can see through you, see to the real you.

Derek picks soccer-mom Kristin and Mozzarella Colby for his two mini-dates. Patti’s not thrilled with the Colby choice, but…eh, let the guy’s weiner pick and then teach him a lesson.

Hottie to the left, but Bryce don’t think so!

Bryce’s mini-date with Keith, the tall math teacher from the Bronx, was pretty awkward.  He said, “Thank you for picking me,” and she just nodded.  Cuz, ya know, she didn’t pick him.  C’mon, be gracious, wouldja?  He tries really hard, complimenting her and getting nowhere.  He keeps offering information and getting nowhere.  Then she meets with Simon, the comedian.  She smiles a little with him, and he’s trying to ask open-ended questions, but still a total wall between her and anyone else.  She is COLD and STONY.

Derek meets with Kristin, the soccer-mom.  He thinks the conversation goes pretty well, that she’s probably got a lot of what he’s looking for.  But the penis maybe isn’t thrilled.  Colby, though, thrills his penis.  She likes mozzarella–she’s in.  But she’s so younnnnnng.

In the end, Bryce picks Keith and Derek picks Colby.  And now it’s time for the dates!

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” spot this week, Derek is caught hitting on the intern, Andreea, just a little bit. Patti acts like she’s not surprised, and she comes over to pull Andreea away.  Andreea’s mouth reminds me of someone famous, and I vow to figure it out.

What do you think?

Anyone got a guess?  Help a Panda out! I’m distracted by these Phillies, who are about to win a crucial game and bring it back home!!

Wait!  I figured it out!  She reminds me of Holly the HR rep at Dunder Mifflin!  See it?

OMG.

Derek’s date!  He picks her up in his custom VAN, which I still think is ridiculous. Derek is into sports, so he’s taking Colby to the Bronx to hit a few sports bars and have a few drinks.  She’s already into the beers in the van.  So young.   Oh, and don’t forget that they share a love for mozzarella.  (Pronounced the Giada way, “MOATZ-a-rella”. Ugh.) He brought a big Ziplock tub of fresh cheese for her.  Yum?

They have a few drinks at the sports bar(s) and then head back into the city, where Derek has arranged for Colby to change into her choice of brand new outfits that he purchased and left up in her room.  WOW.  Then they’ll do a nice dinner. Sounds good, right?

“So, I want to see your cans.” “You CAN see my cans, someday!”  “Drink up!”

Colby loves Derek’s taste, and she chooses a black one-shoulder dress. Derek looks nice in a black suit and dark shirt.  They head out to a rooftop terrace to eat a private dinner.  Very nice! Derek brings up his interest in getting married, and Colby’s kinda cool about that whole idea.  Derek can see now that his 40 to her 24 isn’t going to work.

“Don’t touch me, I don’t want to catch the 40s.”

Derek asks Colby what her typical night out is, and she says it wouldn’t be nearly as posh as this.  She says, “Next time, we should go to a pub, get burgers, and get our drink on.”  She laughs, and he makes a “oh no” face.  (Besides, haven’t they already been getting their drink on, ALL DAY?)  When Colby suggests they head out for Act III of this date (dancing all night), Derek respectfully declines and shows her back to her room/takes her home/whatever.  They’re done.

“Grr, let’s go get nasty drunk.”  (“No thanks!”)

Meanwhile, Keith picks up Bryce for their date in Central Park.  What are they going to do?  It’s summer, so no ice-skating on that famous pond.  No, it’s boating instead.  I somehow think Bryce isn’t going to be into this. Keith is working so hard, too.  She sucks at conversation.  She’s so stiff and cold and stony!  (The rum prevents me from coming up with thesaurus terms, sorry.)

Soooo much fun!!! Wheee!!!!!

Keith takes Bryce to the NYC library next, to scare a good date out of her. (Ghostbusters reference, anyone?)  She’s so reserved and quiet (and stony and cold!), it drives me nuts.  Keith is ready to dive into his glass of wine, but she turns down a glass for herself.  She’s feeling relaxed enough without booze, thanks.  Also, she’s stony.  And cold.

The total opposite of cold and stony!

When Keith asks her about her website, she mentions that she writes about fashion and sex.  He volunteers, probably because he knows the date is tanking anyway, that he’s “pretty good at sex.”  HAHAHAHAH He’s just trying to tie his end of the conversation into hers, with the whole “sex tips” thing, but…she’s gone.  She rolls her eyes and is soooo shocked.  Puh-leez.  Bryce, who’s already alerted us to her need for celibacy, jokes that Keith’s comment screwed her chastity belt on a little tighter.  Wow, this date sucks.

It’s the next day—let’s follow up with everyone, shall we?

Destin and Patti call Keith, who tells the tale of their date, minus details of their awkward conversations.  When asked if he’d like Patti to set them up again, he agrees. “Sure, why not?”  When Patti brings Bryce in for a chat, she says she’s not interested in Keith—he’s not mature enough. Destin tells Bryce that they’ll match her up again another time, but she’s GOTTA open up a little.  And be less cold and stony!!!

“Please.  Please keep being cold and stony.  Can you do that?”

Derek comes in to chat, and he agrees that he made a poor choice in Colby. Patti notes that Colby didn’t meet Derek’s five points of qualification.  Derek stammers a bit, but he admits he was wrong, so Patti is appeased.  She’ll still work with him—he’s learning.  In the meantime, Derek agrees to go out with Kristin, she of the soccer-mom hairdo.

Explaining about the penis doing the picking.

So, captions, tell us how these stories REALLY ended, please!  Well…Derek never asked out Kristin, and Bryce didn’t agree to go out with Keith again.  Shocker.

This season!!! A date in Grand Central Station!  A helicopter ride! Mechanical bulls! Motorcycles! Beach dates!  Coney Island! Kissing! A man talking with his mouth full, asking for an HJ!  A glass of water thrown on a man (not mouth-full/HJ guy)! Frustration with the office staff! Bawbie and Jill Zaaaarin!  The Manzo brothers!!! Bruce Vilantch!  Other shenanigans!  Oh boy, won’t you come back and read some more?  Love you!!!

XOXO, SexyP