Millionaire Matchmaker: It’s Up to You, New York!

Clearly needs dating help.

We made it!  Hi, ‘Gasmii!  We made it through Season 4 of Millionaire Matchmaker!  Maybe we’re a little worse for wear, but we survived.  Pat yourself on the back, if you’re not too sore.

The random intro this week is the randomest, ever.  Patti’s glad to be back on the East coast, since she’s originally from here, and she celebrates by meeting up with an old friend back at some deli in their hometown.  She’s wearing very short denim shorts.  I’m proud for her that she doesn’t have cellulite that we can immediately see, but she’s also 47 or 48 years old.  Put the jorts away.  Anyway, she and Jimmy have a meal and look at old pictures of them back in school.  The photos aren’t really in focus and/or the camera can’t quite focus on them, so there’s no real revelation and the whole segment sucks.  Patti comments about being a pothead.  Whatever.

Intro!  “Love.  Everyone wants it, but not everyone finds it. That’s my job….Meet my millionaires!”

Patti prances into the office, excited that it’s her last week in NYC.  Destin and Rachel ham it up for the cameras so they, too, can earn $45K per matchmaking session someday.  Patti’s wearing some necklace made of big chunky metal letters that spell out “HAHAHAHA” around her neck.  I like it and I hate it.

Destin’s millionaire this week is one I know—Freddie Mitchell, former wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Like I sez in my mini-cap earlier this week, I remember the days when Freddie was playing.  I seem to remember him being a pain in the ass, and I also seem to remember him maybe being on the Preston and Steve morning radio show a bunch, or something.  I have some non-football memories of him from that era, and the radio show is the only thing I can come up with.  Any locals remember anything to help me out?

Help!

Anyway, Freddie is sick of being “burned because he’s famous,” so he needs Patti’s help.  We hit the DVD to learn a little more.  Freddie’s been single for about two years, after his fiancée left him.  Why’d she leave?  Because the Eagles didn’t win the Super Bowl. I’m sure it was much more than that, but hey, whatever keeps you warm at night.  Also, Freddie mentioned here that he’s former NFL who maybe wants to come back.  I-I-I-I-I don’t think so, buddy boy.  But that’s probably why he agreed to do the show.  You know people aren’t doing it to actually find love.  They’re doing it to market themselves!  Do you hear us, NFL Comeback People?

Patti’s not that sympathetic to Freddie, saying he should “grow some cock and balls.”  Get over the fact that he’s being used for his money and fame.  Grow up.  That’s a little harsh, but I guess maybe he could try to do something to stop this awful cycle.  Like seek out a professional matchmaker?  Ding ding ding!  Patti promises to help Freddie fix his pecker picker.

But first, what does Freddie like?  Well, he’s got a 6-yr-old daughter, and he wants someone who’s in tune with that.  He prefers white women and Latino women.  Aaaaaand that’s about all he cares to share right now.

I really hate Rachel’s fedora.  And her lipliner.  I also hate the smug look on her face as she lets Patti in on her big secret this week.  Remember Crazy Stacy?  The ADHD one who argued with Patti, “I’m happy being single!” The one who stormed off, laughing, after Patti threw her out? She’s baaaaaaack.

The gimmick this week is something about a lie-detector test, making sure Stacy’s intentions with Patti are pure.  Ugh.  This is stupid.  Patti goes along with it.  If Stacy “passes,” Patti will work with her.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Deshawne gets to almost interact with Patti today, as he drives her to meet with Freddie.  She tells him about the gold diggers Freddie keeps meeting, then says that his picker is off.  Deshawne, with legitimate wonder, asks what that means.  She just repeats herself, saying it more slooooowly.  “His PICKER…is OFF.”  Like that helps.  Like Deshawne is a foreigner.  C’mon.  Then she makes the picker/pecker joke that we’ve all made a zillion times before (like I did four paragraphs ago), and we’re done.

Hi, Freddie!  Time to officially meetcha!  He played in the NFL for five years, all with the Eagles.  I’m not checking Wikipedia for more details like I normally would, but I’m pretty sure that once the Eagles were done with him, the whole of NFL was pretty much done with him. He made his money playing football, and now he lounges around in a pool behind a moderately sized home, pretending to be a venture capitalist.  Isn’t “venture capitalism” a euphamism for “bullshit”?  BTW, anyone believe that he’s 31?  I don’t.

Thinkin’ hard about how to spend that money…

We watch Freddie lift weights (“I can do this all day, I don’t get tired.  DO YOU HEAR ME, NFL COMEBACK PEOPLE?”), we watch him play tennis.  He wants a taller, athletic girl, someone like Olivia Wilde or something.  Patti checks in on the deal with his ex—she’s a blond-haired, blue-eyed girl that he dated for two years before he proposed.  They lived together, then he stunk it up in the Super Bowl, and that’s that.

So, then Patti and Freddie talk about gold-diggers and how to spot ‘em. You never give ‘em cash, rule #1.  Or a credit card. You marry them—with a prenup, and then you can give them cash.  But in the meantime, look for the girls who are there for you when you’re sick or down or whatever.  There’s parts of this conversation pattern that I don’t quite understand, but it’ll take too much to lay it out for you and THEN analyze it, and I have a Saturday night date to get ready for, suckas.  In the end, Freddie needs to ask a lot of questions and pay attention.  THAT is how he’ll hopefully avoid gold-diggers.  Freddie’s optimistic.  He says, “I’m coachable.”  (“HINT HINT, NFL COMEBACK PEOPLE!”)

Patti’s a special team for Freddie, for romance.

Oh, here’s the blowjob discussion.  About dates—you can buy them gifts, you can buy them jewelry, and that’s how you’ll get BJs.  Nevermind, ya know, regular foreplay, chemistry, and an interest in pleasing your partner.  Sapphire earrings, please!  (Then the pearl necklace, hot-cha-cha.)  Freddie’s clearly joking (and has a good deadpan face) when he asks if he can get a beej on the date.

Patti heads back to the office, and Crazy Stacy’s waiting for her.  Honestly, I’m tired of Stacy at this point, and the most interesting part of her presence on the show this week is her actual date, so I’m not going to spend a ton of time telling you about how Patti has a snit about her coming back, about how Stacy changed her mind about not wanting to be alone, about how Patti gives her a STUPID lie-detector test (without doing any control questions either, which is bullshit), how Stacy admits she’s having a midlife crisis, how Patti storms off when Stacy demands an apology, how she comes back in to deal with Stacy, and in the end, how Patti decides to work with Stacy again after all.  Deep sigh.

I’m distracted by her chin skin.  Anyone else?

Oh wait, I do need your help, though.  When Patti’s shouting at Stacy, what the hell is she saying?  “You were disruptful”?  Or was she trying to say “you were disrespectful” but dropping a syllable?  Maybe I have shit in my ears, but I have watched this now about three or four times and I really can’t figure it out.  Help! (Seriously.)

“Do you have shit attached to you right now?” “Yes.” “No deception indicated….Are you from the planet Zorg, here to lingerie the human race?” “Yes.” “No deception indicated.” (And yes, I used “lingerie” as a verb. Get over it.)

Time to find these nerds some dates.  Rachel and Destin are already seated, and Andreea rolls in, taking Patti’s seat.  Patti comes in, sees Andreea smirking playfully at her and goes along with it.  Andreea jokes that Patti should be the one to go out and bring in some potential dates, and Patti’s like, “Yeah, why not?”  She heads out into the waiting area and stares around the room.  Destin, Rachel, and Andreea shout for her to hurry up.  I’m glad to see that Patti actually has a sense of humor about this.  Anyway, she’s looking for tall, energetic types for Stacy and tall, athletic blonde-ish types (or exotic types) for Freddie.  Non-gold-diggers, it must be said.

My all-time favorite quote from Millionaire Matchmaker is from last season, when Patti introduces Susan (the one who told the mouse/pussy joke) to Gummi Bear Davis: “Boobalicious for you.” 
Has nothing to do with this photo, just wanted to share it.

First up is Adrienne, a diamond grader with a kid.  She’s in for Freddie. Gia’s a darker-skinned mix (Puerto Rican, Cherokee, and “American”…huh?) who wrote a children’s book about grief.  She seems like a real sweetheart, but I’m guessing she’s too dark for Freddie.  Not sure what it is, but I don’t get the feeling he goes for the sistas.

We also bring in a chick from Siberia and some other girl who does stunts for a living.  She shows off by busting up Destin’s face in a self-defense display.  She’s in because she’s exotic of some kind.  Me, I think her mouth/teeth are WAAAAY too big.

She’s too much.

For Stacy, we first get some loser of a guy who’s unemployed AND says on his application that he’s currently seeing someone.  What the hey?  Get outta here, doofus. Another guy is the warm-up comedian for Ellen.  Patti makes him do his schtick, and no one laughs.  Patti warns him that the woman she’s matching him for is a bitch.  “Sounds great!”

Oh look at that!  Patti’s selling a matchmaker DVD!  She says the same exact stuff on Twitter all the time for free.  Piece it together, and you’ve saved yourself however many bucks!

Time for the mixer!  As Patti’s introducing Stacy, Stacy is guzzling her champagne hardcore and staring menacingly into the crowd.  Like, totally tuning out Patti and not really presenting herself in a warm and fuzzy manner.  Patti puts a hand on her arm to ask if she’s okay.  HA!

At first, I was like, “How rude of Patti to call out that Stacy’s nuts?”
But then I was like, “No, Stacy really is in a bad way, so yeah…”

Stacy starts talking to Eban first, some lumpy-faced schmuck who needs a good shave.  Patti liked him in the screening because he was upfront about having a daughter and “had good energy.”  You know Patti and her energy. Stacy seems a little keyed up, looking around as Eban asks her about surfing.  She’s really all over the place.

“Hi!  I like to talk about myself and how I like to surf and act and model and things!”

Freddie’s having a blast at the mixer, talking to all of the beautiful girls and trying to follow Patti’s rules for weeding out the money-hungry ones.  He loves talking to Toothy Maria, the stunt-woman, because he knows she’ll understand all the physical stuff he goes through as he TRIES TO MAKE A COMEBACK IN THE NFL.

Stacy’s talking to some guy Pete next, who’s blathering on about his job in the financial industry.  Stacy’s eyes are darting around.  Next Patti brings Stacy over to talk to a dapper black gent in a suit and some other guy whose industry is “hair removal.”  Wow.  As Patti and the hair removal guy talk, Stacy just turns around and walks away.  The whole group is like, “Wait, what?”  Stacy’s now talking to another group, boring them with narcissistic babble, when Patti comes to get her back to the original group.  “You were just very rude,” Patti admonishes as she steers Stacy back.

Well, seeing who she was rude to, it’s okay.

After getting Stacy back on track, Patti heads over to Destin and Rachel to fill them in on how Stacy’s doing.  Pete, the greasy-haired twit who works in finance, strolls over to gossip with the other biddies.  He catches the last of what Patti says and chimes in with his own offering about how rude and ADHD Stacy was. As he’s going off, Stacy walks up behind him and ends up standing right next to him, AS HE IS TALKING ABOUT HER.  Pete tries to cover it by saying he was talking about Rachel, but everyone knows that’s bullshit.  Great work, Pete.  Get a haircut and lay off the gel.

Ooh, Bravo photo peeps, you don’t like Rachel either, do you?

Patti checks in with Freddie and Stacy to see who they want to do their mini-dates with.  She strongly advises Stacy to stay away from Pete because he was trash-talking her.  In fact, Patti wanted to throw him out of the mixer altogether. (And there Pete is, flirting with stupid Andreea!)  But no, Stacy chooses him for a mini-date, even though he gossiped about her being ADHD, and that Eban guy who can’t afford a razor.  Freddie chooses, big surprise, Toothy Maria and Diamond-Grader Adrienne.

On the mini-date with Freddie, Maria’s all about the bragging about being a stunt-woman, about knowing ju-jitsu, all that.  You know she’s honed this schtick over the years, where she impresses men with her ability to throw down, literally, while still having long hair and big lips (and big teeth).  She tells Freddie she wants to always be a lady, so he’ll never see her fight.  Except that all you talked about just now was fighting.  But, whatever.

Stacy meets with Sneaky Pete next.  She grips her champagne glass with all the class and grace of a gorilla, by the way.  And from what my boyfriend was texting me as we watched the show together (at our respective homes), she IS a gorilla.  A male gorilla.  I know a lot of people thought she used to be a dude the last time, and now I see it.  Poor stupid Stacy.  And Pete sucks.  He tries to kiss her ass a little, but I’m tired of him and moving on.

Freddie and Adrienne have a nice conversation about their former relationship statuses (he’s never been married, neither has she, but they both have kids).  Freddie notices a southern twang coming out, and once it’s called out, Adrienne milks it.  From Freddie’s face, I can’t tell if he likes the twang or not.  He tells HER he loves it, but in his interview, he’s like, “Woooooooow, this girl is COUNTRY.”

Now Stacy meets with Eban.  They talk about her first mini-date for a second, which is weird, then she asks about what he does for work.  They have a stupid conversation that doesn’t really do well.  I’m annoyed with Stacy and I think Eban is a mush-mouthed kiss-ass. Moving on.

Who’d these doofs choose for their master dates?  Stacy chose Eban.  Thank GOD she didn’t pick Pete, or she’s really a complete idiot.  Freddie liked both girls but eventually went with Adrienne. “Yeehaw!” she exclaims while shooting pistols in the air.  Wait, she’s not Yosemite Sam.

Freddie arrives in a limo to pick up Adrienne. He’s got a gas station rose for her, which she loves.  And I love her dress!  I just bought a pair of clearance panties at Victoria’s Secret last night in a similar pattern!  Twins!  Anyway, the country accent is out in full effect, which Adrienne seems to think Freddie loves.  I’m not so convinced that he does love it.  I sure don’t love it.  Cool it, Adrienne.

I really do love the dress a lot.

Well, shit, if she was irritating me before, she’s really irritating me now, as she full out SCREAMS about the fact that they’re going to take a helicopter ride.  Like, shrieking.  Country twang shrieking.  Freddie looks a little disturbed by it.  I’m an exuberant girl, and when I’m excited about something, you’ll know it, but not like this.  I can’t get behind this.

I think they’re just doing an overhead tour of NYC.  She keeps screaming as though Freddie’s tickling her.  The pilot points out landmarks, and Adrienne, in a very classy way, says, “We’re having a better day than you are!” to a group of people having a classy time on a rooftop somewhere.  I think they might be having a better day than Freddie is.  (Just wait.)

“AAAAAAH!  I’m COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!”

Eban meets up with Stacy outside of some club or theater or something.  He’s got a bigger mix of flowers to give, but I think they probably came from Duane Reade.  Delusionally, Stacy thinks Eban is interested in all the crappy shit she does all day (the acting, the modeling, the lifestyle coaching, etc.).  So she drags his sorry ass into some theater to watch some bullshit movie she made called “The Lingerie Script.”  It’s basically an homage to Stacy’s not-mannish-at-all body and not-wooden-at-all acting, and it sucks.

“So what I do is I pretend to be able to read things in a natural way, and then I do pushups,
and then I sit there in my underwear.”

Oh wait, he didn’t get her a bigger bunch of flowers at all.  It’s a single Gerber daisy wrapped in a shit-ton of tissue paper.  Pathetic.

Eban is more and more uncomfortable as the The Lingerie Script plays.  He hates the movie, or whatever it is, and he hates even more that he knows Stacy’s expecting him to jizz in his pants about it. “You’re so wonderful!  You’re so pretty! Aren’t you a great actress?”  is what she expects. What she gets is him squirming in his seat and sighing.  She keeps looking expectantly at him, and he looks like he wants to vom a little bit.

You’d vom, too.

I don’t like Eban’s teeth, either, and I want him to shave SO BADLY.

Stacy’s so fucked up, she thinks Eban’s into this whole thing.  I LOL when he says, “You worked really hard on that,” to which she responds, “Yeah, really hard.  I’m glad you liked it!”  His face is like, “BITCH, PLEASE.”  HA!

In the limo on the way from the helicopter to dinner, Adrienne and Freddie continue to chat and get to know each other. She asks him about the NFL.  Freddie says, “I might go back and try to play again.”  I’m not sure if you heard that, NFL Comeback People.  Freddie Mitchell would like to play again.  FYI!

Here’s where Adrienne really fucks up.  She admits that she Googled Freddie, and she tells him she found some stuff about him not paying his child support.  His face totally falls.  She tries to explain that it’s because she’s looking out for her own kid’s sake, if this were to go any further, but…. That’s a fail.  Wait til you get past the first date before you start with that shit, girl.  In fact, wait until maybe you’re closer to being exclusive.  And then maybe let the story come out on its own.  And then evaluate from there.  Don’t bombard the poor guy with the inquiry on the first date!  I feel bad for him.  I don’t know his situation, and he shoulda paid his child support if he wasn’t, but still.  This is poor dating form.  He had every right to tell the driver to take Adrienne home right there.

On the date itself, Freddie’s face freezes in a smile, and he tells her that it’s a hard conversation, and that she shouldn’t believe everything she reads.  She smiles expectantly at this, but then interviews that she needs to know, to not get mixed up with a deadbeat.  Freddie interviews that it was really rude of Adrienne to ask.  Seriously, this date is now officially off-track, and I don’t think there’s any salvaging it.

Speaking of dates that are off track, let’s check in on Stacy and Eban.  They headed off to some red meat restaurant where Eban feels he can control things a little better.  But he’s really not into it at all right now.  He gets a burger and Stacy gets a big salad.  I admit that I’m not a dainty salad eater—I never bother to cut the lettuce into even smaller pieces than were initially presented to me, and I probably should.  And I love to shove a big mouthful of food into my piehole.  But not on a date!  Or on camera!   Stacy, though, is all about the messy salad eating. She’s got dressing on her face through just about all of this scene.

And maybe Eban likes it a little.  Or maybe not.

Eban gets points with me, despite the lumpy face, tic-tac teeth, and stubble, when he asks Stacy point-blank if she thought that her video was an appropriate thing to share on the first date.  If she thought it’d interest him.  She tosses off a casual, “I just thought it’d be a good way for you to get to know me.”  WHICH IS TRUE.  He DID get to know you—that you’re a self-promoting, shallow, narcissistic pain in the ass, and that you’re also a terrible actress!  Girl can’t read a cue card to save her life!

He tells her it was “over the top” for him, which she asks him to clarify.  Stacy?  “Over the top” means it was bad.  And then he tells her that he doesn’t feel any chemistry for her, either.  Okay, now you lose points.  No need to say this now.  Just get through the date and be done.  Though…I do appreciate the ego-check that gives her.  Though…it’s probably lost on her.  She mauls the rest of her salad while asking him to clarify that he doesn’t want to bone her at all.

Really, it’s rude of him to stay and continue with the date (his reasoning?  “It’s rude to get up and leave”) after dropping a bomb like that.  But he stays, and it’s awful, and I want it to be over. Thankfully, Stacy’s had enough, so she gets up and leaves.  Phew.  Eban finishes his burger and beer without a care in the world.  What a jerk.

Freddie and Adrienne are at dinner, and Adrienne cluelessly asks if they’re doing well, if they’re off to a good start.  Freddie, bless his heart, is honest with her about how she biffed it by asking about the child support on the first date.  He says he’s got questions too, but at least he has the sense to not ask them right now.  She looks concerned and nervous.  See, she just fucked up her date with a millionaire, y’all! Oh no!

Freddie’s a sweetheart.  Rather than kill the rest of the date with a sulk about Adrienne’s poor manners, he says, “I’ve been in ball games where I was down 21 points, and I never gave up. So I’m never gonna give up on this date.”  Aww.  Go, Freddie.  Also, NFL Comeback People, Freddie has a will to win in games and used to play football.  FYI.

The rest of the date is fluff, since we know it’s not going to go anywhere past tonight.  They talk about high school sports, and then they talk about cheerleading.  Adrienne was a cheerleader, and, surprise, Freddie worked with the cheerleaders too.  He can do a chair base for a cheerleader, where you pick a girl up and she sits on your hand.  “Really??!”  Adrienne doesn’t believe it, so he does a chair with her.  Fun!

I really love that dress!

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!  Bravo Needed to Sell More Commercial Air Time” segment this week, Patti’s hooked up to the lie detector, and Destin asks her questions about matchmaking.  Will she miss NYC?  No.  Would she give up fame and money for true love?  Yes.  Is Destin the greatest business partner you’ve ever had?  Yes…but the lie-detector dude says it’s maybe not the truth.  Har har har.

Destin should go into acting.  Oh wait, he ALREADY HAS.

Followups with Patti!  Our last set for NYC, guys!  Freddie comes in to give Patti the dirt.  Patti’s aghast at the idea of Adrienne asking about child support.  Amen. Destin tells Freddie that he’s learned a lot, but still has to get better at picking dates, since Adrienne ended up being a digger.  At least Freddie saw it early and knows better for next time.  Freddie’s very thankful to Patti for helping him learn how to date better, and I just want to give the guy a hug.  But don’t worry about Freddie—they’re setting him up with Toothy Maria.  Just watch out during that beej.  Yikes.

Patti calls Eban to get the scoop.  Oh no Stacy di’n’t show Eban her stupid video on the date!  She did, Patti, she did!  Stacy still thinks that Eban liked it, too!  What a nut!  Patti screeches about Eban not being attracted to her, yadda yadda.  Stacy really is delusional. It all devolves into a big fight again, Patti kicking Stacy out of the club (again) and Stacy storming out. Ugh.  There was more to it than that, but WHO FUCKING CARES?

I don’t.  I don’t care.  Let’s move on.

Captions of Truth! I’m sad to see you go!  But please, before you leave, tell us about Freddie and Stacy, would you?  Well, Stacy’s a mess and Eban didn’t want to put his weiner in her.  Done.  Freddie and Adrienne never spoke again, but he’s excited about his date with Teeth.  Yay!

So that’s it, ‘Gasmii!  We made it!  (What was YOUR favorite moment of this season?) I don’t think Patti worked as well for the energy of NYC.  She definitely does better when she’s dealing with rich men in California who want hot tatas to take out for a night. So, hopefully, Season 5 will be back to the basics.  (And I heard they’re definitely doing a Season 5.)  See you then!  Mwah!

My favorite Season Four moment(s).  Oh, Robin.  You’re a mess.