Oh hello! How are ya? Hang on, let me put down this greasy wrench. This carburetor has really been giving me some hassle. Wait, you need me to knock out a dent in your fender? I can do that after I change your oil, carry something heavy for you, and open the door for you? Wait wait wait, that’s not me. That’s my masculine energy talking. Shut up, masculine energy! Put on a dress and sit back when the check comes!!
Annnnnd welcome to Millionaire Matchmaker!
Our random intro this week takes us to Little Italy, where Patti, Destin, and Rachel share a leisurely lunch. It’s also a tense lunch in some ways. Patti starts off well-intentioned enough, expressing her interest in having an alternative millionairess. She wants someone pierced and tattooed….oh, like Rachel here! “Can I be the millionairess?” Rachel bats her eyes at Destin. Oh wait, she’s taken. So no. Also, does she HAVE a million dollars? This gig pays that well? Wow. Anyway, Patti grabs Destin’s nutsack and squeezes on Rachel’s behalf, asking about their marriage plans. Oy, pressure.
I wonder what the hold-up actually is. Any ideas?
Let’s get to work, assholes. First DVD to watch is Leah. Leah’s 27 years old, has tattoos, and has a generally masculine energy. (If you do a shot every time I use that phrase, cuz I can’t think of an alternative and there’s no Patti Stanger thesaurus on my PC, you’ll end up DRONK at the end of this recap. So don’t do it.) Leah seems to be tall and pretty thin, with long strawberry blonde hair and angular features. I think she’s really pretty, and I also think she’s a little scary. (It’s that masculine energy!) She owns a clothing design company called Married to the Mob. Apparently edgy people like Rihanna wear it. I just bought a shirt-dress at Old Navy for $20 (sale!) tonight, so I don’t think I’ll be wearing Leah’s clothes anytime soon.
Leah didn’t make her money with that clothing line, though. Rather, she’s so masculine and rough-and-tumble that she instigated a cop into beating the shit out of her (well, her words are that she “disagreed” with the cop), and her money’s from the settlement she got from the cop. And that money was used to start the clothing line, and here we are. Good for her. I hate the nasal whine in her voice. Especially when she talks about “penis and vagina…sex all the time.” Whatever. She’s pretty harsh, and as someone who talked about penis and vagina a LOT in her youth, I know that it turns on the wrong kind of men. Oh, and she’s got a daughter! Um, that’s a juxtaposition if I ever heard one.
Next up is mini-dorky-Seinfeld, Jordan. He’s 5’6” (aww) and has some pretty big teeth. But he’s got a nice smile and seems genuine. He owns a company that will sell/market your celebrity photos for you, called Meet the Famous. He likes darker complected white women, like Hispanic or Italian women, though he really oughta be with a Jew (says his family). Patti jokes that Jordan needs to meet a “Jewban”—that’d be a perfect match. (Does such a thing exist?)
Jordan’s claim to fame, if you will, for Patti is that he’s a little ADD. At first, Patti doesn’t see it. Then she does, as he rambles on and on about what he wants, what he likes, how Patti can help him, etc. He starts stammering and talking over himself, he’s so scattered. So yeah, if a matchmaker can help that, Patti’s your woman.
RIGHT AWAY, we meet Leah McSweeney in full. Like, she comes in to meet Patti (who exclaims, “You’re not so alternative!”) and we leap right into the full intro. She tells us again about her company, which is for women only. She’s really thin but has a strange pooch thing going on (says Panda, who’d die to be that thin with that pooch). She also really loves to shop and drop a thou here, a thou there. Damn. Oh, and she’s got the kid, and she works a lot, so she feels torn sometimes.
Add a mustache and she could be on Terriers or Sons of Anarchy. Something on FX. Right?
Leah wants a dude who can keep up with her raunchy mouth and who can take what she says with a grain of salt. We watch her do some high-end dildo shopping (seriously, is that like Bergdorf or something? I’ve never seen dildos presented by a shop girl on a velvet pillow before). She’d prefer someone free-spirited like she is. She hopes Patti can help her find this gent, cuz she’s ready to settle down.
So, in office, Patti’s asking some questions and takin’ some notes. First question is about Leah’s past relationships—and her longest was six years, with the father of her daughter. Wow. She suspects the relationship ended because she was so young when they met. The fact that she’s done everything in her life at a young age is her reasoning for “why love now?”. It’s time—she’s done it all, it’s time to settle down.
Patti then asks about Leah’s last dates, and the answer reeks of this masculine energy. (“He hit me up and I said, ‘Yeah, you can take me to dinner.’”) Patti hates it, tells her that no good man’s gonna want that. Leah smirks and seems to know it’s true. And yet, Patti tells Leah, basically, that she’s a pretty man with a penis. Leah’s eyes grow wide in shock. HA!
Patti advises Leah to not talk about sex so much, because it takes away the mystery of the sex itself. And yeah, sex for the first time with someone new is pretty exciting because of that mystery. Don’t fuck it up by bringing it up front and center like that, Leah. Honestly, this advice and some other gems Patti’s been sharing with us lately, here and on Twitter, has really been impressing me. Like, Patti really DOES know something about men and women relating. She’s not God, she can’t force chemistry, but she understands people pretty well. I know a lot of people want to hate on Patti, but look past the fish lips and the picking penis talk. You’ll see some good there.
So, following up on that gem of wisdom, when asked what she’s looking for, Leah deadpans, “A big penis.” HA! Oh, she can’t be serious. I mean, she can, but….come on. Okay, in all seriousness, she wants someone who likes kids, who wants kids, someone with a good sense of humor, and someone who resembles Johnny Depp a little bit. Patti tells Leah what she tells all the ‘esses: the dude will plan the date. Leah’s a little uptight about that, hoping whoever it is doesn’t fuck up by picking a place with bad food. But, deep breath, get over it.
Last weekend, friends and I met for lunch. As we walked to our cars, we talked about my recaps, and one friend expressed her annoyance over Deshawne. I defended Deshawne, because I believe in Deshawne. That is, I believe in Deshawne’s place in Patti’s life, which is to just barely listen to what she’s saying and offer up as little as possible in reply. If he said, “Yup,” and “you know it” every week, I’d love him even more. This week, Patti asks him, “Have you ever dated anyone with ADD?” and he replies, gotta love him, “I haven’t ever dated anyone with ADD.” Good on him to repeat the question when giving his answer.
Okay, hey, let’s meet Jordan (Osher) for reals. He’s 31, and he’s got a pretty nice little body for a 5’6” New Yorker. (I can tell because of the photos of him jet-skiing.) He’s also got to purchase a Chapstick or two, because his lower lip clearly needs some attention. But really, he seems like a nice enough guy. He’s ready to settle down. That’s cool.
Are those chairs actually comfortable?
Actually, I bet they are. I have long legs, and it’d sure be nice for them to get some air-time.
Patti arrives to chat with Jordan, and they sit in super-modern, super-reclined chairs that are probably hard to get out of in a ladylike fashion. Thank goodness Patti’s wearing pants today. While Patti’s talking, asking “Why love now?,” Jordan’s looking all over the place. Like, he’s clearly elsewhere while his body sits in front of Patti. She calls him out for it immediately, saying it’s rude and that’s why he’s not finding the right girls. He’s sheepish about it, and he knows she’s right. He admits that previous relationships have actually ended because he’s so unfocused.
Patti’s solution? No iPhone on the date. No Blackberry, no whatever he uses to conduct his business and other social life. He agrees to it (though I’d balk at it and ask if I could at least have it with me, turned off, in my purse), which is cool. No fight from him at all, actually. He stammers as he agrees, which Patti mocks. I don’t approve of that, though, Patti. Bad call. Oh, and Jordan’s celebrity crush is Mila Kunis. Cute.
So Patti’s little twist this week is to have Jordan and Leah meet up with each other for a little lunch first, to get to know each other, assess strengths and weaknesses, help each other out. What she’s not telling THEM is that she’s got Dr. Lillian Glass, the body language expert, observing them during this lunch, so how well they do in taking Patti’s advice so far. Fun! I love subterfuge!
So, at this little lunch, Dr. Glass—who is not a small woman—is stuffed into a tiny table for two about three inches away from our two millionaires. Jordan’s already seated when Leah arrives. Pleasantries are exchanged. Leah mentions her masculine energy, and Jordan doesn’t disagree (he chivalrously doesn’t agree, either). Cuz, ya know, Leah reached over and helped Jordan remove his beer glass from its holder thingie when he himself was struggling with it. Ouch.
I mean, really. She is RIGHT THERE, staring!
The next day, Patti brings both Jordan and Leah back into her office to meet…with Dr. Glass. Oh my, both of them recognize her from the restaurant. Well, how could they not? Seriously, she was sitting right on top of them and was staring at them! Anyway, Dr. Glass has nothing bad to say about Jordan—he was focused on Leah, didn’t check his phone at all, and asked good questions. His only flaw was to admit that he was a little intimidated by Leah.
Leah, on the other hand, failed big time. The way she just reached over and fixed Jordan’s stuck beer glass? Not cool. Dr. Glass noted Jordan’s horrified body language at that. It totally emasculated him. In the future (and I need to remember this myself, as a strong, independent woman), if a man looks like he needs help, ASK if you can help him. Don’t just reach over and do it for him like he’s a weakling or a child.
These two, plus Leah, equals major intimidation factor for Jordan.
Finally, time to find matches for these two. We’re looking for handsome, quirky men for Leah and petite brunette sweethearts for Jordan. How do we do?
Well, we meet a sweetie named Bernadette. She really seems nice and matches, physically, what Jordan wants. She also impresses Patti with where she works, even going so far as to offer to send Patti whatever she wants from the show room. Wow. She made the cut, big surprise. So did Lauren, a personal trainer who’s a little sassy. We meet a few other cuties, but for the most part, Patti’s mean to the bigger girls. Bigger, meaning 5’6” or taller and 100 lbs or heavier. Ouch. She’s right to eliminate them, but it’s still a little mean.
Patti just hates herself.
This week’s bozo is Greg, a handsome but poorly dressed guy who slobs into the room with a wrinkly button-down shirt buttoned the wrong way. Like, off by one button. Wow. They give him stink-eye for a bit. We’ll come back to him.
Obviously, we’re working on finding mens for Leah now. We talk to Larry, a guy who looks a little like FauxHawk Dale from Top Chef, who’s also in the clothing design business. He’s in, even though I suspect he’s gay.
Then some more bozos. There are two guys who came to the casting together. One has ironically combed hipster hair and an “I drink your milkshake” mustache. The other has gay hair and is wearing a leather holster around his white t-shirt. In the holster? His phone. Oh, that’s just silly. Methinks these two are probably gay for each other but are also in cahoots for some business scheme, so they want to be on TV. Patti leaves the weirdo men for Leah up to Destin and Rachel’s choosing.
Then there’s William, a flopsy-haired tattooed gent who works in food service, making rice balls or something. He reminds me of Viggo Mortensen a bit, which ain’t a bad thing. He seems sweet. He’s in! (Especially after his gross tagline: “Food is the only other thing you can put inside a woman.” Ew. Patti loves it, though.)
It’s time for the mixer! It’s at a fun new establishment called Carnival. I guess it’s a basic bar/restaurant, but with all kinds of midway games and stuff included? Patti’s hoping Jordan can focus on the ladies during the mixer, and she hopes Leah can keep her dick jokes to herself. Ready?
And it’s really just your usual mixer. Jordan’s doing well with talking to everyone in a measured, focused way. Patti’s really impressed. (And wow, Destin is wearing a tux and tophat.) Leah’s looking pretty smokin’ in a blue bandage dress that I covet, and she’s also doing pretty well at keeping things on the feminine.
I LOL when Patti refers to the duo of hipster maybe-gay bozos as “Heckle and Schmeckle”. I also laugh when she says Rachel and Destin thought these two would be “the Chupacabra” for Leah. Both of them have sloppy diction, which I hate. And Leah’s suspicious about them—why do two men who know each other so well pursue the same chick? Are they really here for love? Good instinct, Leah. Good instinct. Little William is standing between Heckle and Schmeckle, looking perplexed.
Oh, then that Greg guy with the badly buttoned shirt approaches. He’s all slicked up in a nice suit, looking pretty cute. But once he opens his mouth, it’s all over. He is DUMB. I might even over-pronounce it for effect: He is DUM-BAH. Like, stoopid. He offers to rap for Leah, thinking he is controversial and edgy. He raps about Adderall. It’s just as bad as you think it would be. She immediately dismisses him, telling Patti, “That’s a no!”
Getting rapped at. No bueno!
Finally, Leah’s talking to Will (William, the “put food inside a woman” guy), and she seems to really dig him. He moved to NYC alone at 14, and that’s impressive to a hard-edged girl like her. Meanwhile, Jordan is vibing pretty well on a pretty Italian girl named Roseanna.
So, who do they pick for mini-dates? Jordan picks Roseanna and Bernadette. Good choices, I’d say! Leah really only wants to mini-date with Will. She’s THAT into him. Destin insists that she give other guys a chance, so they force her into mini-dating the Heckle/Schmeckle duo. She’s not thrilled.
“You want to date Destin? Ya can’t. He’s taken.”
Jordan’s mini dates go just as you’d expect at this point. He’s focused, he’s engaged, they’re pretty and engaged, too. At this Carnival place, they have all those midway games to play, and so they do. Jordan wins stuffed animals for his mini dates, and it’s super cute.
Leah and Will have a sweet mini-date, talking as they throw beanbags at clown pegs. They really seem into each other, like they have a lot in common. And Patti notes that Leah’s calmed down her masculine energy. (Drunk yet?) I’m really feeling warm for these two!
When it’s time for Leah to have her mini date with BOTH of the H&S guys at once, she clearly shows her contempt for them and the decision that was forced upon her. How? She makes them strip down to their panties and get in the dunk tank. No talking for her, just wet tighty-whities. The guys do it, too. Of course they do, they just want to be on TV. They don’t want love.
So, who do our millionaires choose? Leah chooses Will, of course. Cute! Jordan had a really tough decision, but ultimately decided that Bernadette was the better match for him. Sweet! Yay!
In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, we watch as Patti talks shit on all the possible dates’ clothing/fashion choices. Like, she comes out to the waiting area and starts pointing out all the flaws. The women are too “frumpty-dumpty” and the men are sloppy. So, women, wear clothes that fit your body, and men? Wear nice shoes.
“So stop looking sucky. Thanks.”
And now it’s time for my weekly, “I’m too tired to keep going all-out with this episode, I’ll just tell you the highlights of the date and that’s it” statement. Nothing special going on for me this week, for once. I’m just over it and want to move on with my weekend! I have other stuff on my DVR to catch up on! (I heard this week’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia was awesome!)
So, Jordan and Bernadette. He brings her to a helicopter pad along the water, where they take off and head north across the city, into the wine regions. I wish they were a little more comfortable with each other in the chopper like Ayinde and his America’s Next Top Model date last season. But they’re cute to watch anyway, because they’re both so nice and cute. Jordan is really, really good at talking to people, I have to say. I’m terrible at small talk, so I’m easily impressed.
Once they get to the winery, they sit down for a nice meal with a wine tasting kinda thing. I notice that they’re using plastic forks. The server (or owner??) is very gentle with them, walking them through choosing wines and swirling their glasses and such. It seems like a really friendly date, which is really what a good date SHOULD be. You ultimately want to be friends with your partner, as well as lovers. So, start off with a friendly vibe as you ease into the romance. Good work, Jordan.
“Tastes like buttah.”
Will and Leah head off on their date, too. They’re both very casual, which I think suits them well. Will has a Natty Gann jeffcap on and jeans, while Leah’s in super-short shorts and a t-shirt. Also, is that a huge white Birkin bag? I think it is. It’s probably real, too. Those things are, like, $10,000 and there’s a waiting list. Damn.
Just put that $10,000+ bag anywhere.
Anyway, Will takes Leah to some backyard pizza place in the industrial district of Brooklyn. He used to work there, actually, so the peeps all know him and set him up with a chef’s tasting of sorts. It’s blazingly sunny and probably blistering hot, so they don’t see to last too long outside on this date. But they DO last long enough to realize they have mutual friends in the club scene. Small world! So. What’s next?
Coney Island! Fun! Leah really seems jazzed about this, and Will seems calmly pleased with himself. Also, did you notice his “FTW” tattoo on his throat? I did! Will and Leah ride rides with dildo-sounding names. (The Tingler? The Teaser? The Tickler? The Whip? What are they called?) Leah lets out her feminine energy as she shrieks on the rides. It’s cute. All seems well.
Oh yes, a Birkin bag does well at the amusement park.
Yep, just put that on the floor of the dildo ride.
I think I’m worried about her bag because my own white summer purse got grungy QUICK. And it wasn’t cheap, so I was sad. Also, isn’t this a cute date?
Okay, okay. Let’s head back to the office and let Patti work out the conclusions. How’d we do?
Patti calls Bernadette first. She tells Patti that Jordan’s great, the date was fun, and that they’ve been in contact every day since. They have another date lined up already, too. Excellent! Patti claps.
Jordan comes in to tell his side of the story, and he’s all grinny and happy. Yay! I love when we have positive episodes! Patti checks—did he have his phone off for the date? Yep! Was he focused, giving full attention to his date? Yep! Yay!
So next Patti calls Will. How’s it going? “Good, good.” How was the date? “….Good, good.” Uh oh. NOT good, good. “Hesitancy. What’s the hesitancy about?” Patti asks. Turns out Will asked Leah out again, and she blew him off. Oh no! There’s gotta be a good reason for this, because she really liked Will. You could tell!
Leah comes in to chat about everything, and she tells Patti what they did on the date. She’s clearly looking for approval from Patti as she reports on how she let her masculine energy subside a bit and let Will take charge. Patti’s not impressed, though, because she knows Leah’s up to something. She’s stony fish-lipped as Leah speaks.
“Let’s cut to the chase. Why’d ya blow Will off??!”
So what’s really going on, Leah? Well…she’s been reconnecting with her ex. The father of her daughter, the guy she was with for six years. Like, they’re back together. Aww, you can’t deny that. I mean, that’s her baby daddy. That takes priority. And I bet that having feelings for Will are what triggered her renewed feelings for her ex, ya know? Maybe she felt guilty or something.
Captions of Truth! Fill us in! Well, Jordan and Bernadette are still seeing each other! YAY! That’s excellent! I am hopeful for ‘em. And Miss Leah moved in with her baby daddy! Yay, again!! Good for them!!
It looks next week like we’re back to our typical formula of awful millionaires and bad dates. Oh well, I guess three good ones in a row was asking too much. It looks like Mad Men Megan’s beat-up sister comes in for a casting session, only to be cast aside for her horse teeth. One of the millionaires is bald and a little psycho-eyed. The other looks like an older brother to Kevin Strom, that jackass from last season (anyone remember?). Destin tells the bald one he’s creepy, and the bald one tells Patti she did a shitty job. You know THAT goes over like gangbusters. Come back, would ya?