Millionaire Matchmaker: Millionairesses are PITAs

Welcome, welcome, welcome, ‘Gasmii?  Have you done all your Thanksgiving prep for the year?  Are you all set to snuggle in with your honey and love the shit out of these holidays?  No?!  Well, shit, you better call Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker!!!

Today’s random intro has Patti doing a photo shoot with Elle magazine.  Thank God it’s not a Patti-only photo shoot.  Rather, she’s working with the magazine on a “Dating Fashion” feature.  Some model in a slinky one-shoulder dress is told that her look is great for drinks on the town. Another is wearing fierce leopard-print pumps that I covet (and would never wear once I owned).  Patti feels very important, as she was expected to style the models, be in front of the camera herself, and otherwise manage everyone’s life for this little slice of time.  Patti, you’re so necessary!!!

Please.  Let’s just get down to work.

This week is a stressful week for Patti.  See, she hates matching rich women.  She’ll tell you that it’s because they’re always picky pains in asses, but we also all know deep down that she’s jealous and territorial and other negative adjectives, right?  Right.  Well, this week, we’re matching not one but two millionairesses.  Suck it!

Destin talks about his first–Sky Nellor, an international DJ and former model.  She’s dated many a celebrity in the past (50 Cent, Will.i.am, Adrian Brody), wants to keep her jet-set lifestyle, and blah blah blah.  The brief DVD intro tells us that she was born in Australia, is 38, and, as Patti says, “Leads with her boobs.”  Yep, they’re there.  Sky brags about knowing everyone in the world, implying that she’s really hard to impress.  Patti, after bashing her messy hair, gets in a snit about Sky’s jadedness, knowing that Sky will be impossible to match.  So, seriously, why is she here, if she’s so fabulous?  We all know that this show is a marketing tool for rich tools, but what’s Sky hawking that she needs Patti’s help to sell?  Even when Sky says her mother really wants her to settle down and get married and make babies, I made a “pssh” face.  That’s not why you go to Patti.

Boobs.

Patti’s pissed at the end of this intro.  Not only does Sky have greasy hair and big funbags, but she talked only about herself and didn’t mention even a tiny detail about what she’s looking for in a man.  Patti’s pissed that Destin didn’t get this for her on this DVD, and now, UGH, she’ll have to go find out for herself.  Wah.

Rachel looks thinner, don’t you think? I guess the Sin Halo weight finally came off.
And boy, does Andrea love those boots.

It’s Rachel’s turn to introduce the other millionairess, which she does in a TERRIBLE New Yawk accent.  This one is Stacy Kessler.  She won’t tell us her age at first, only saying that she’s “in her forties…and doesn’t look it.”   (Pssst.  She does.)  She’s an actress and model, somehow, in addition to being the mother of four children.  The oldest is in college and the youngest is 10.  Wow.  She yammers on a little more about herself, thinking she’s very awesome. (Pssst.  She’s not.)   In the end, SHE doesn’t tell us anything about what she wants, either.  Patti is pissed off with Destin and Rachel, for bringing two bitches who are so self-absorbed that they’ve given no thought to the men they want to date.

You look like a 40-something tranny, actually.

Oh hi, Deshawne!  So lovely to see you and the Range Rover today!  Are you ready for Patti to blab away at you while you try to navigate the wide-open, never-clogged streets of NYC?  She harangues Deshawne about Sky, asking what he’d do with an international hottie who can’t settle down. He says he’d try to “Sew it up…nail it down”.  So, I think he means he wants to make her vagina tighter, and then put his penis inside of it?  (Oh, I kid.  He means that he’d like to keep her close and get that relationship settled quickly.)

We arrive at Sky’s, and she greets Patti with a warm smile and a “Hello, beautiful.”  Ah, flattery will get you everywhere, actually.  And we head right into the official introduction.  Born in Sydney, Sky has been a model all over the world and now does this DJ gig all over the world.  We see model shots, which are gorgeous, and DJ-ing shots, which are not.  She looks like a weird alien bobbing her head and slicked-back ponytail to the beat.  She’s also a rich woman stereotype, in having a closet CHOCK FULL of Manolo Blahniks.  Yeah, yeah, women like shoes.  GOT IT. (When I moved into my current place, my brother helped, and all he could say afterwards was, “It felt like I just kept moving bag after bag after bag of shoes!”  Admittedly, I had two of those IKEA shopping bags AND a suitcase AND a laundry basket full of shoes to move.  But these weren’t no Blahniks.  They were comfortable, cheap shoes that I bought at DSW.  Panda ain’t no millionairess. And Panda has bunions. Sorry.  I had to say it.)

“It’s okay, all beautiful women have bunions, Panda!”

Patti and Sky sit down to talk it out.  Why love now?  Well, Sky’s (younger) brother recently had a baby, and, oh shit, maybe it’s time to try that out.  But the problem is that she’s never home!  Sky tosses her hair around proudly with this fact.  I think she fancies herself an Angelina Jolie.  But the thing is, even Angelina Jolie has a home, where she stays more often than she doesn’t.  Sky isn’t into that so much.  She WAS into Adrian Brody–for two years.  Wow!  But no worries, super-skinny and big-schnozzed isn’t what she’s about, she just wants someone fit.  Someone active, to play tennis with.

So, Patti explains the rules of the matching, with the mixer and the mini-dates and everything.  She asks Sky to commit to staying in once place for 90 days during this whole matching process, so she can get an honest chance at finding someone.  We see the classic liar’s tell when Sky looks skyward as she agrees to this request.  She ain’t gonna do it, Patti, you can’t make her.  Besides, her schedule’s already set and she can’t blow off all these other men that she’ll blow and the blow that she’ll do in the DJ booth, can she?

Then we get to meet Stacy.  Yay!  Patti claims to be too busy to meet Stacy at her place in Jersey, so she has her come to NYC, to the office.  Oh, Stacy Kessler, tell us about you.  She’s “over 39,” and she’s “an actress, model, host, and lifestyle coach.”   Stacy was married for 17 years and has been divorced for three.  Her reason for why the marriage didn’t work?  “We didn’t have a meeting of the minds.”  As we’ll see later, NO ONE could meet Stacy’s mind.  I mean, bitch is crazy.  We follow Stacy through a typical day, where she makes cupcakes with her youngest son and awkwardly/poorly dances hip-hop at some dance class.  (It’s bad.)

I love the showdown that’s happening RIGHT NOW.  Patti just asked the “Why love now?” question, and Stacy leads off with, “Well, I’m in my forties…”  Patti just stares with her “whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis” face.  Patti wants to know if she’s early, mid, or late forties, and not because she’s an asshole but because it makes a difference in how she’ll match Stacy with eligible men.  (And we all know that Patti is salivating at the idea of knocking this woman down a peg or two.)  Patti’s like, “I’m 49 and proud of it. HOW OLD ARE YOU?”  Finally, Stacy breaks down, amidst a monologue about her theory of age, and admits that she’s 46.  She SAYS she doesn’t understand why people dwell on age, because it’s not important. THEN WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SAY HOW OLD YOU ARE?!  People drive me nuts.

Stacy continues with what she wants in a dude, which sounds to me like, “A guy with blonde hair who likes what I do, which is surf, dance, ski, act, model, host, and coach lifestyles, and parent my four children, me me me.”  Patti knocks Stacy down another peg by asking how she actually makes her money.  Is it by acting, modeling, and coaching?  Nope!  It’s alimony and child support!!  Boy, her husband is a rich sucker.  Patti can tell that Stacy is a crazy, narcissistic pain in the ass and makes a few snide comments about it.  Stacy can’t help but snipe back, and Patti does the glazed-eyed stare of “Okay, whatever.”  She recommends that Stacy get her chakras aligned before the mixer, to straighten out the crazy that lies deep within.  Haha, good luck!

Stacy gets the star treatment from Patti, who’s really trying, bless her heart.  She brings Stacy to a lady who’s going to get her chakras centered and align her vibrations and whatnot.  Patti claims this is the best healing to be done for someone going through a midlife crisis.  I thought it was to buy a red Porsche, but I guess I’m stuck in 1980s Cliché-Land.  Oops.

Susan Whatever, the Chakra Whisperer, tells Stacy what she’s doing, and how to best let go of negative thoughts that may be plaguing her.  Thing is, Chakra Whisperer, Stacy is F-I-N-E fine.  She don’t need no help, has no negative thoughts, and is fine.  Thanks.  She bickers a bit more with the very nice spa lady, until Patti steps in to school her a bit.  “You’ve been divorced for three years and have no love.”  Ouch!  That’s harsh!

“You just plain suck!”

Time to find some men for these bitches!  Patti’s extra excited, because it’s the first time she’s gotten to do an all-straight-male screening session.  Eye candy for Momma!  Patti reminds us of what we’re looking for.  For Sky, Patti wants a guy who’s going to get her to calm down a little and stay in one place.  I make a face at that, because a late-thirties woman who’s successful in her career isn’t going to change pace like that just because you found her a date.  That’s the wrong way to go, Patricia.  For Stacy, I think they just want to find a cute guy who can put up with crazy for one date.

Again, ladies and gentlemen, the arbiters of taste.

In the first batch, we get Charlie!  Yay!  Remember Charlie?  Patti’d originally tried to set him up with Beth, the poker player, but we all know that wouldn’t have worked.  But now he’s here to either deal with someone who acts younger than his kids or a crazy old lady who’s crazy.  (Intentional word choice there, believe it or not.)

Then we have Tommy, a dapper black man who owns a media company that deals with online concerts or something like that. Patti asks him why she should pick him (though it seems she already has, for Sky), and he says something about being a purpose-driven Renaissance man or some shit.  Nice rehearsed line, dude.  Patti eats it up, and he’s in.  (Actually, she likes him because he won’t be star-struck by Sky.)

Then we meet the Whackadoo.  Laurence is an artist and two other titles that I don’t bother to catch, since we mostly care about the art schtick.  See, Laurence Whackadoo wants to be the first artist to create art in space, to paint in zero gravity.  (Didn’t astronauts sometimes paint?  Like, if you’re stuck on the International Space Station and have finished all your chores, wouldn’t you maybe want to paint a little? If that’s your regular hobby?  Methinks you’ve been outdone already, Laurence!)  Whatever, his brand of crazy suits Stacy’s, so he’s in.

Crazy Larry on the left; Not Kanye on the right.

Ick.

Then there’s some guy named Chance, who’s a little creepy looking to me.  Anyone else?  Something’s not right, even though he’s classically handsome (I guess) (not my type).  They pick him for Stacy not only because he has “rounded energy,” but because he doesn’t want kids—he wants a woman who’s already got ‘em.  And that makes the choice easy!

Patti makes a guy take his shirt off, but it’s his own fault for submitting to her a headshot of him shirtless.  So, no sniping at Patti treating this like it was her own personal arcade (though she usually does).  He does it.  He’s a good sport, and probably also knows when he’s been defeated.

It’s your own fault.

Then there’s a slew of other men. I don’t care.  YOU don’t care (unless you know them personally).  So we’ll move on.  Oh wait, there’s Kevin.  He’s tall and fair-haired, and I guess he’s cute.  And he’s kinda all over the place in an actor/model/kids’ sports coach way.  To me, he looks tired and haggard, and his mouth is weird.

Doesn’t he look a little Dexter-y?

It’s mixer time!  The gang has Sky and Stacy meet up backstage first, and it’s awful.  Sky is pretty in a 39-yr-old international DJ and former model way, and Patti’s right—her hair IS a mess.  Stacy is harsh and scary and wearing a sequined barrel.  I need to find a pic of this for you. (Update: I failed.) Stacy is way intimidated by Sky and says, “Whatever” about her, in general.  Sky is friendly and nice.  Stacy sucks.

Sky feels overwhelmed at the mixer but does a good job of staying friendly and open. Stacy’s still scary and has closed body language, but she talks to some jackasses. Patti brings Kevin over to talk to her, since he’s gotta roll out ASAP for a catalog shoot in the Hamptons.  He and Stacy bond over modeling talk, which is ridiculous.  Stacy also can’t maintain eye contact, because she sucks.

That’s Chance.  Ew.

Yes, Stacy with Neck Tat!  Stacy with Neck Tat!

Tommy, the mini-Kanye, makes his way over to Sky and talks about…Baltimore.  Not kidding.  Meanwhile, Chance, the guy I think is mildly creepy, is talking to Stacy.  He sounds like a plant, reading from a script, as he checks out her body and asks about her KIDS.  Ew. I think he thinks that’s the way to a mom’s heart?  Ick.  I like Chance, though, when he calls Sky out for probably not being ready to settle down.  He’s right!

Stacy and Whackadoo have a little chat about space art.  It’s great. Those two need to head off and get married TODAY.

Patti checks in on the ladies to see how it’s going.  Is Sky ready to choose her two mini dates?  She is NOT.  She’s not attracted to any of them, really.  Uh oh!  Still, she chooses Charlie, the Dad, and Tommy, the mini-Kanye, for her two mini-dates.  You can tell she’s only doing it because they’re making her.

“None of them makes my panties gurgle.”

Stacy has no such problems picking her two men, who are Whackadoo and Creepy Chance.  Done!

Charlie and Sky meet first, and it’s fine.  They have champagne.  Sky talks too loudly, probably more because she’s doing this out of obligation and making the best of it than anything else.  Charlie is a nice guy, and they have a tepid conversation.  She’s a little “eek” about him being a dad.

Stacy and Whackadoo have a nutty li’l first date, where he gives her a sculpture of a space dog.  Oh.  See, it all makes perfect sense to them, which is all that matters.  He offers to take her into sub-orbit on a date.  She’s all in.

YIKES

Tommy and Sky have a fine date, talking about the family pressures to settle down and have kids.  She quizzes him on the music in his iPod, and he tells her he’s really buzzing on The Roots’ new album.  (I need to get it!)

Chance makes me want to barf as he reads from the “How to Flirt with Crazy Older Women” handbook.  This time, instead of focusing creepily on her kids, he compliments her about how she’s not wearing makeup.  Um, she is clearly wearing makeup. Probably had a bulldozer apply it less than two hours ago, after a quickie Botox injection.  Chance is disgusting.  Oh, then he asks AGAIN about the stupid kids!  And he takes her hand as he does it.  And then he tells us it’s all a careful calculation to get her to feel relaxed with him, to set him apart from the other guys.  These guys are so desperate for screentime (at minimum) and sugar-momma money (at maximum).  Ick.  (He ends by asking, “Where do you like to be kissed?”  EWWWWWWWWWW.)

Patti checks in with Sky, who didn’t like any of her dates.  Patti’s exasperated.  She knows Sky’s celebrity exes are the culprit—she’s just jaded.  Sky looks really agitated as she’s asked to either choose one of her two mini-date dudes, OR take a chance on what’s behind Door #3, which is a date with Kevin, the model nerd who had to leave early.  She picks Kevin—why not?

Stacy is similarly annoying in the choices department.  She doesn’t want to date Whackadoo or Crazy for Kids (Chance).  Instead, SHE wants to go out with Kevin.  Oh lord.  Kevin is NOT that hot, people!  Patti takes a deep breath and pulls Sky into the room.  Basically, since they both chose him, they need to make sure that they’re both okay with him dating both ladies.  And in the end, they are.  Stacy makes it more dramatic than it needs to be, and Sky’s still not really connected to the whole experience, but whatever. Kevin is a LUCKY MAN, eh?

“Cheers to sloppy seconds!”

THEN Patti has to call Kevin into the office, to make sure HE is cool with dating both women.  Why wouldn’t he be?  Oh, and Patti makes sure that Kevin is okay with a FREE TRIP TO BARBADOS for his date with Stacy.  WTF?!  Patti thought that Stacy would benefit from a change of scenery (and will hopefully focus a little better).  Kevin’s like, “Cool!”   Has Patti ever sent the millionaire on an out-of-country date before?  This is nuts!

The “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment is dumb this week.  It’s basically Patti telling the group of men what happened with Sky and Stacy choosing Kevin.   The men all react on the word “Kevin.”  It’s like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.  (Which you MUST see on Broadway.  It was awesome!)

Time for these stupid dates.  I’m running out of steam, as I tend to do at this part of the recap anyway.  The difference this week, ‘Gasmii, is that I ran a half-marathon this morning.  My legs are killing me, I’m hungry but don’t want to eat, and I’m plain tired.  My neighbors totally kept me up until 2 AM with their life shenanigans, and I had to get up at 4:30 AM.  I am whiny.  So, I’ll do my best to recap the best parts of the date without getting bogged down.  Wish me luck.

So, we see some palm trees and bare butts.  Must be in Barbados, right?  Wrong!  We’re in Miami!  What?  Why?  Oh, because Sky wanted that to be the date.  She had a DJ gig the night before and asked Kevin to join her in Miami to “hang out” after.  He’s left to sweat to death in a t-shirt and jeans on an outdoor settee, waiting for her to arrive in her maxi-dress.  Ugh, so cliché.  Kevin’s got visible sweat patches on his chest, and he’s wearing a very blousy pair of jeans.  It’s weird.

They get breakfast, still outside, but at least in the shade.  This is actually their first time seeing each other, talking to each other.  Remember how Kevin had to peace out at the mixer?  Yep.  He brings that up again, bragging about doing a shoot in the Hamptons.  Sky doesn’t seem impressed.  But despite that, they seem to be vibing on each other well enough.  Sky, though, admits that she’s “only half there.”  She also mentions “taking a disco nap” later.  Weird.

This is (genuinely) a nice look for her.

Kevin offers for them to go play tennis next.   Sky thinks Patti set this up, and maybe she did.  But whatever, they go play tennis.  And they seem to have some good volleys!  That’s a tough first date.  I sweat like a pig, so being OUTSIDE in Miami would be enough for me, let alone playing tennis.

Oh wait, that’s the end of their date!!!  She thanks him for coming down to “hang out with” her, and that’s it!  Breakfast and tennis?  Kevin says, “next time, we do everything at night.”  Sky sounds like she’s politely game.  Huh.

Time to go to Barbados! I guess it works out, since Kevin is already in Miami.  Just head a little further south, then.  Whatever.  Go date crazy Stacy.

They arrive together in Barbados, Kevin and Stacy.  They check out her room, and then he tells her his idea for the date, which is to do an underwater fish tour or something.  She’s agog at the creativity this date planning takes, which makes me snort.  Kevin’s a little too practiced as he gives Stacy a quick kiss before leaving to get ready for that date.  It’s weird to me.  Anyone else?

“So you’re crazy, huh?”  “Yep!”

Oooh, their date is on a submarine!  It even goes, “Awoooga!  Awooga!” when it goes under water.  That is awesome.  Conversation, though, is lacking.  Kevin keeps asking closed questions, like, “Do you snorkel?” and “Are you afraid of fish?”  Stacy answers in a closed way, too.  So, this is going well. There’s champagne under water, at least.  Kevin thinks she’s nuts, can’t figure out where her head is at.  Or if her head is even present on this date at all!  Her boob is present, though!  We know, because she reaches a hand into her dress to adjust it.  Awesome dating skills, Stacy.

Telling.

Sigh.

Dinner is a disaster, too.  Stacy just talks and talks, and Kevin is bored and bored.  She hits on how she’s been dancing since she was a kid, and I remember that Kevin said that in his screening with Patti back in NYC.  So, he really must be checked out to not at least pick up on that and try to talk about it for a bit.  Yikes.  Bad date.  He orders more wine.

We’re back in NYC.  Kevin comes in to talk about Stacy and Sky.  Patti’s immediately annoyed that Sky brought Kevin down to Miami to suit HER schedule.  And that she planned the date.  But Kevin seems to like Sky, would like to see her again and get more time with her.

Then there was Crazy Stacy.  When asked how Barbados was, Kevin answers that it was beautiful.  When asked how the date was, he’s a little less positive. He says she was a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character.  And I can’t stand his lisp. Patti laments Stacy’s craziness and almost wishes for crazy Shauna to come back.  Oh, I miss Shauna!

Finally, Patti brings back Sky and Stacy to meet with her…AND Kevin.  Let’s talk about how this all went in totally mixed company, yay!  Patti rides Sky’s ass for a minute about her taking a gig at the last minute and making Kevin come to her beck and call.

Then she asks Stacy why she so crazy.   She tells Stacy that Kevin said she was all over the place and hard to connect with.  Stacy gets defensive and claims that she could’ve connected with Kevin—if she WANTED to.  Oh, so she didn’t like Kevin?  That’s nonsense. Patti accuses Stacy of sending mixed messages, so no one can figure her out.  Stacy says she doesn’t NEED anyone to figure her out.  Ah, but you do, if you want to get laid more than once.  Stacy says she doesn’t need anyone, she’s happy being single.  Patti explodes into a million pieces of skin, guts, and hair.  “Then why are you HERE??!”

And with that, Stacy’s kicked out.  Like, gone forever!  YAY!  She’s smiling as she leaves.

And Destin’s like, “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”   YAY!

Back in the office, Kevin asks out Sky for a second date, asking for a specific night with relatively specific plans, and a sweet rationale for everything (“I want to take you out, let you get away from things and not have to think about things for a bit”, or something like that).  She looks really awkward and then asks to have time to think about it.  And that’s a no.

Awwwkward.

Captions of Truth, what’s the story?  Sky and Kevin didn’t go out again.  Not shocked.  Stacy and Kevin, of course, never went out again, either.  The Captions of Truth mock Stacy for her nutty lifestyle as we head out into the previews for next week.

Next week!  There’s some shaggy haired maybe-douche guy who does that skating behind a boat thing.  What’s it called?  Oh, waterskiing.  He does that.  And then there’s some older blonde woman who thinks she’s a modern (-ish) day Cinderella, looking for her prince.  And apparently, that’s just the tip of her ridiculous iceberg.  Come back, watch it, and we’ll talk!

Happy Thanksgiving, ‘Gasmii!!!

XOXO,

SexyPanda