Millionaire Matchmaker: Oh. Boy.

You knew it was too good to last, didn’t you, ‘Gasmii?

You knew it couldn’t go on this way.  Happy people makes for boring television, right?  Where are all the comments about how crazy the millionaires were or how shitty Patti is at her job when things are going so swell?  (The editor in me really wants to make that last word an adverb, but I think that means it having three “l”s and that shit ain’t right.)

This week, we swoop back into hell for twice the tizzy…on Millionaire Matchmaker!

In our random intro of the week, Patti’s harping on fashion again.  That’s right, AGAIN.  Here’s where Patti gives me a headache sometimes.  She’s not the best dresser sometimes, and don’t get me started on Destin and Rachel.  (It’s just too easy–SexyPanda is higher-brow than that.)  And sure, she doesn’t need to be married to be a good matchmaker, and she doesn’t need to be the most stylish to have opinions on the fashion of her daters.  But still.  Shut up about it.  It’s New York City.  Even the cleaning ladies have great fashion.  Let ‘em be.  But no, she brings in some Today Show style maven to teach a style seminar.  It’s bullshit.

(I got started on the vodka early this time.  I think you can tell?)

They’re picking on this chick because she’s wearing a loose dress in summer.  OMG, what a fashion fucktard!

Patti would really like to get crackin’ on this week’s millionaires, but she can’t!  The internet is down–no emails, and no Facebook. I would DIE.  Andreea’s got all her work done already, though, so no worries about getting hotties at the screening sessions.  It’s all good.  What’s NOT all good is Rachel’s Cookie Monster t-shirt.  It doesn’t even work in an ironic sense.  It just sucks.

Time for the soft intro on our two millionaires this week.  First up is Doug Kepanis, a divorce attorney from Lawn Guyland.  Before he even starts to speak, he’s taking off his clothes.  His shirt, rather, and it’s revealing a puffy chest that has clearly seen a scalpel or two.  Sure, it looks beefy and cut into a nice six-pack, but…something’s amiss.  There’s some extra heft there that shouldn’t be there if the abs are peeking out.  I smell abdominal etching!  It’s a shame, because he’s not a bad looking guy, and if he’d just keep his shirt on til the time was right, he’d blow a lady’s panty parts right out of the water.  Instead, mine have snapped shut like a tomb.   How about y’all?  Patti’s not a fan either.  He poses some more, and we can also see some tattoos peeking out.  One creeps out of the waistband of his pants, which gives me “huh” face.

If you’re lean enough to see abs, you shouldn’t also be bloated around the boobs.

Doug’s into exotic ladies, preferably someone brunette.  “Someone who’ll keep the penis up.”  Oh.  Well, that’s on you, buddy.  If he had to choose between boobs and butts, he’d go with butts, Alex.  Patti is writhing in pain at the sight of this guy, by the way.  She really has an icky feeling about him.  It doesn’t surprise me when Doug talks about his women needing to keep him on his toes, being spontaneous, perhaps showing up at his office in a trenchcoat with nothing but lingerie underneath.  Ugh, so typical.  ANY guy gets horny for that. And that tells me that maybe Doug was a bit of a dork for a long time and is now better on his game, thanks to Zoom whitening and those fake abs.  He’s making up for lost time.  It’s a shame, cuz I think there’s a decent guy under there.  He’s just covered in cheese.  Patti’s concerned that he’s too guarded, has never been in love.  Especially considering his profession, these are important things to know before making matches.

Destin introduces our second millionaire, admitting right off the bat that he’s a weird guy and will probably be a little lazy about finding love. David starts to speak in his DVD intro, and right away, you can tell that something’s off.  His eyebrows wiggle a funny way when he explains that he’s a sales trader.  It’s one of those micro-expressions that Malcolm Gladwell talks about in Blink, only it’s not so micro.  It’s pretty obvious.  Oh, and he hasn’t blinked yet.  He’s also cocking his head this way and that, mouth twisted into a lopsided smirk.  It all adds up to “just plain creepy.”  But I’m a nice girl, I’ll give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s just socially awkward.  Maybe he’s autistic. I don’t know, I’m not God!  (Where’s more vodka?)

The most normal you’ll see him.

David’s type is Kate Hudson.  Right. So, super-hot, super-laid back and friendly girls are going to cream their jeans for David, right?  You’d think that’s a no, but we see a photo of him with a pretty cute girl.  Huh, strange.  Oh, and David’s got a brother who’s also his BFF.  Brother doesn’t seem to exhibit the creepies the way David does.  David suggests that maybe Patti could match them both?  Patti and Destin collapse into a fit of mock “well I never!”–if the brother wants to be matched, he’s gotta pay too!!  (But we all know these millionaires aren’t paying a dime for Patti’s service, right?  The fine print tells us that every week!)

David brags that when he wants something, he gets it. Then he talks about being a big name, a partier.  WHAT?!  I don’t see this AT ALL.  Anyway, Patti pegs him as socially awkward and will treat him as such, until otherwise notified.  (Just wait.)

Now it’s time for the extended, official introductions.  First up is Doug, who comes into the city to meet with Patti at her office.  He looks a lot better in his vertical striped shirt, without preening for the camera. Flashing to video, we watch him drive around in his Hummer, wearing what looks to be a Juicy Couture velour jogging suit.  (Oh, it’s probably Affliction, but I like my Juicy joke, so back off.)  We watch him take notes during a legal proceeding of some sort.  He really likes a three-piece suit, by the way.  He plays guitar in a park; he runs up the courthouse steps in a trim suit.  He jogs across the grass, shirtless, in some other park, probably at the direction of some assistant producer who knows what we ladies all want to see, riiiiight?  He claims to have trouble getting past the first date.  I’d LOVE to know if this is because of a lack of compatibility or because he’s porking ‘em on the first date and never calling again.

Um.  This isn’t sexy.  It just isn’t.

Back to the office with Patti. She’s very concerned with the shirtless thang.  He gets flustered when she asks if he takes off his shirt a lot on dates, and he answers yes!!  Turns out he heard, “Do you go on dates?”  Not, “Do you do that on dates?”  HA!  Doug’s definitely had other plastic surgery done, by the way.  I’m thinking something with the eyes, and definitely a little Botox.  And those teeth!  They’re too white!  It’s like when Ross overwhitened and glowed in the black light!

This next part is where I really appreciate Patti for all her experience and wisdom.  She asks Doug about his longest relationship(s), which have all been around the three or four month mark.  Why’s that, she wonders? Because the sex gets boring.  Oh my.  “That’s because you’re sleeping with them right away, ” she concludes.  And she’s right.  See, when you just put your wick into anything as soon as you can, you have absolutely no reason to become emotionally invested.  And I gotta say, while a wet wick is nice, getting to know the inkwell before dipping in makes it even better.  Wow, that was an elaborate calligraphy sex metaphor.   Anyway, Doug’s problem is that he pokes ‘em and then gets bored, so he keeps looking for something better.  If he’d slow it down a bit, he’d have better luck.  She reminds him of her rule–no sex before monogamy, which could take a while.  He agrees, a little reluctantly.  But hey, if he really does want to find love, that’s what will work.  (And I really think Doug will be a client of Patti’s once the cameras are gone, which is why he needs these rules.)

We miss out on our classic Deshawne-isms this week, since Destin’s coming along for the ride to go meet David.  Aww. Patti thinks David’s probably harmless, but a little reinforcement can’t hurt.  (And with that, I top off my cocktail.)  They arrive, and the brother’s sitting right there with David.  Patti does a fake “What?  I can’t tell who’s who” charade for a bit.  I think she’s passive-aggressively calling David out for having his brother along, actually, or maybe she thinks she’s funny.  Eh.

So, official intro video.  David Vroubel.  He golfs.  He speaks slowly, like a child.  He supposedly trades money things for famous people, and if you have to ask him what his net worth is, YOURS is not enough.  EYE-FUCKING-ROLL.  Actually, he seems a little weird right now, but not THAT bad.  Just awkward.  He wants love, he wants marriage and kids, so let’s see what Patti can do for him.

Patti keeps harping on the brother thing, hating that they’re dressed alike and whatnot.  Whatever, they’re both wearing button down shirts and sport coats.  So what?  Men don’t have a lot of wardrobe variety!  Oh, but the brothers lived together up until THREE WEEKS ago.  Patti thinks it’s a little creepy.  I shrug.  Whatever, they’re brothers. Finally, Patti checks to make sure David is serious about meeting his future wife.  “If she wanted, you’d go around the corner to Tiffany and buy her a diamond ring.” “If that’s where she wants her ring from.”  Well, okay, that’s not so bad.

I bet the brother gets a bit more pussy.

So again, David likes the blondes, the bubbly girls, and…well, he’d prefer a Jew.  Hmm.  It’s not so easy to find blonde Jewish girls, but, hey, Patti’s gonna try.  David makes some comment about how if it were so easy to find, he’d already be settled down.  I love Patti’s retort, that she doesn’t think he can “wrangle that” on his own.  HA!  David defends himself, that he meets lots of women.  “Yeah, that’s why you’re still single!”  Booyah!  Bottom line, she’ll do her best and the brother’s gotta stay home.  Done.

Screening time!  Who are we looking for?  Well, for Doug, we need exotic brunettes with spicy minds to match their spicy bodies.  And for David, we need bubbly blonde Jewish girls.  All girls need to be on the marriage/kids track.  Good luck!

Sigh.

First up is Nelly, a woman from Trinidad with a lovely wig.  (She even lets Patti and Co. peek underneath it, where she’s got some Manic Panic color goin’ on.)  Esther is next, and she’s a gangly broad who looks like the fun-house mirror version of Megan from Mad Men.  Patti doesn’t think she’s got the right look for either guy, and instead of just dismissing her, she insults her.  “Is it my hair?”  No, no.  It’s your teeth, Esther.  See, Esther has big gums and BIG teeth.  They’re not that straight, they’re not that white, and she’s not shy about showin’ them when she smiles.  And I admire that.  But Patti stomps all over it, suggesting dentistry.  Sad.

Nelly, minus the big bang wig.

Then there are some other cool ladies for Doug.  Smart girls with dark hair, done and done.  Don’t forget Keren, a dancer with a professional dance company in NYC (AKA “not a stripper”).  She whips into a little salsa for the group, which is impressive.  My step/dance class instructor always ends with a Zumba-like salsa dance, and I look like a sweaty totem pole, trying to swivel my hips like a fencepost.

Keren, AKA the Second Coming of Elizabeth Berkley
(“I’m so excited!  I’m so excited!  I’m so….SCARED!”)

Time to find ladies for David.  First is Ilene, a nursery school teacher who lives with her parents.  She’s cute, she’s blonde, and she’s Jewish.  She’s in!  Miranda’s another blondie who’s in. She’s not Jewish, but she’s open to dating one.  As are a lot of women in NYC.  It’s New Yawk!  You gotta date the Jews!    Finally, Patti finds a “test” for David–a 21-year-old who’s not the correct choice.  I hate when Patti tests.

Um, she’s 12, right?  Not 21?

So ya know how they’ve been really hard on Andreea so far this season?  Cuz she’s bringing in dogs for the screening sessions and skimping on headshots and applications?  Well, she’s finally getting it right.  When Patti calls her in to give her positive feedback, Destin gets upset to have his elaborate “You’re doing a shitty job–just kidding!” prank ruined with Patti’s direct feedback.  Oh well, fucker!

Mix-mix-mixer time!  The millionaires meet with Patti, Destin,and Rachel first, for prep.  Doug has been explicitly instructed not to “bigger better deal” the mixer.  Just focus on one girl at a time and make connections.  Patti is kinda condescending to David in suggesting that he needs Cyrano de Bergerac-grade help, but she doesn’t care.  She’s doing it.  David will be wearing an earpiece during the mixer, so Patti can keep him on track.  Ugh, that would throw off my game even worse!  I have the worst auditory multitasking skills!!

Apparently, David was late.

Testing the Cyrano mic

And off they go!  Doug’s off to a shaky start, introducing himself, then asking if anyone’s been married before.  Because if you say you’re divorced, as one girl admits, he’ll share his woes of being a divorce attorney.  And that’s, like, his icebreaker.  No no no.

David’s also off to a rough start, creepin’ up on a frizzy-haired Miranda, asking what she’s drinking.  Turns out it’s water, so he asks to get her a drink. (Patti told him to.)  When he comes back, he mumbles in his hoarse weirdo voice, “Sowhatsyourstory?”  Miranda’s like, “huh?  My story?  Umm….”  I hate “What’s your story”.  It used to work when we were 20 and drunk, but not as adults looking for spouses. Try again!  He does, asking what her favorite movie is (though I hear “what’s your favorite hoagie”.  HA!).  His head cocks further and further to the side, and he’s grinning maniacally at her.  It really is getting creepy.  Miranda escapes, referring to him as Uncle Fester.  HA!

“My favorite is the Shortie Turkey with provolone and spicy mustard.”

Doug’s talking to Nelly now, who shows off some tattoo on her ribcage/sideboob area.  (Does it say “Free”?)  Then some woman comes up, bragging about speaking Chinese fluently.  (Um.  Is that a turn-on?)  She’s gorgeous, so she could say she speaks Turdbreath fluently and still get laid, but still.

“I’m actually fluent in all dialects of Turdbreath.”

David’s latching on to the 21-year-old test, who looks REALLY uncomfortable talking to him.  Like, not even pretending, not flirting ONE BIT.  He’s in full head-cocked, serial-killer grimace mode, though.  Dude, she is NOT into it.  She says something about working with kids, to which he quips that he hates kids.  Wow, way to work it.  I appreciate that this chick isn’t pretending.  That’s class, right there.

She is SO uncomfortable!

Patti chimes in to get David to talk to Ilene, the cute blonde Jewish girl.  He heads over, and she graciously makes conversation with him.  MUCH better than Miranda and the other one, though she’s not getting his full head-cock either.

Okay, so it’s time for those mini dates.  Patti checks in with David first, who likes Ilene because…she reminds him of sweet things about his mom.  Uh oh.  This doesn’t bode well.  He also wants more time with the awfully uncomfortable 21-yr-old who’s so not into him.  Ick.  Doug would like more time with Keren, that professional dancer (not a stripper) and Nelly.

Sharon, I think, is the uncomfortable 21-year-old.  She’s brought into the lion’s den to meet with David, and she really looks like a lamb being led to slaughter.  David stares at her for a while, and she giggles. Then he asks, “Have we started yet?”  “Um, I think so, nervous giggle!”  Sharon felt David was hard to “conversate” with. Ugh, Sharon, GO TO SCHOOL.  Conversate is not a word.  Anyway, that mini date goes straight to hell in a handbasket, so Destin swoops in and ends it quickly.  Sharon is SO relieved.  Destin tells David, to his face!, that he’s creepy, that he’s leering.  David doesn’t get it.

Doug meets with Keren, the dancer-not-a-stripper.  They have a normal mini-date, except that A) she dances for him and B) he asks her about sex.  Like, “Are you shy or are you verbal” when it comes to sex.  EW. He’s also sweating a bit as he asks.  I get that he wants to make sure he doesn’t end up with a cold fish, but c’mon, this is not normal first date talk.

“Obviously you’re a former dork who lacks Cool Guy social skills.  But you’re rich, so I’ll let it pass.”

David’s turn with Ilene.  She’s still a good companion to talk to, asking David if it was hard to pick women for his mini-dates.  Aww, that’s sweet. They actually seem to have a nice time talking.  Good!

Doug asks Nelly about getting tattoos on their date, what she wants next, where she’ll get it, etc.  He specifically calls out her sideboob tat.  She shakes her head at the mention of the sideboob.  Don’t know if she’s mad that he’s talking about her boobs, or if she’s mad because he’s disrespecting her tattoo, which probably has a meaningful story behind it.  Probably the latter–she doesn’t seem shy.  Then he asks if she’s a “sexter”.  Nope, she’s not.  Then he asks if sex is important to her, if she’s got a naughty side, if she’s a dominatrix.  Uh oh, Doug’s in trouble.

So, who are our millionaires picking?  David’s obviously going with Ilene, and he details for Patti a date with a picnic theme, perhaps a dinner on a rooftop garden with waterfalls.  Aww.  Doug?  He wants Keren.  Sharon looks ECSTATIC that David didn’t pick her.  HA!

See?  Not in a position to give fashion advice, Patti.

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment this week, Patti’s doing a photo shoot for the cover of her DVD.  Her DVD?  It’s apparently a dating tutorial, to help you find “the right guy in a sea of losers.”  Apparently, Destin had fun directing Patti’s posing during this shoot, since she wasn’t able to speak.  Har har.

Okay, it’s time for my weekly “I don’t have the time or energy to tell you much about the actual dates” portion of the recap.  Only I think I’ll probably overwrite this part despite myself.  David’s date is THAT BAD.  We’ll see…

Doug’s heading out to pick up Keren.  He’s excited to take her to a nice spa first, then to a nice Italian dinner.  I don’t know about this spa business, though.  I mean, sure, if you want to sit next to me while we get pedicures and facials, that’s cool.  But anything more might be a little too much for a first date.

In the limo, Doug’s telling Keren that part of their date will be very relaxing, which she’s amenable to.  Then he says, “It’ll be clothing optional.”  She hams it up for the cameras (and for Doug—don’t we all act a little on first dates?), like, “Uh oh!  Naked?!”   They arrive at the spa, and Keren is led off to a changing room, where a bathing suit’s been provided.  Oh no.

Well, if anyone’s going to wear a tiny coral bikini with confidence on a first date, it’s this girl.  She looks great.  I’d love to have her ass.  Anyway, she heads right for a corner of this huge steam Jacuzzi thingie, and Doug’s right behind her.  To me, he’s crowding her, and her body language shows a little “cornered animal”.  She calls the date “perverted” and Doug’s faux offended. He’s also got some kinda bad tattoos.  Like, maybe the tats themselves are okay, but I question his choices in where they’re placed.  Namely, I question the scales of justice on his forearm and the whatever it is at his torso.

“Tell me you don’t have a tramp stamp, too…”

Also, the more I watch, the more convinced I am that he’s had a lot of plastic surgery done.  Eyes, brows, for sure.  Botox for sure.  Teeth, for sure.  I’m not impressed.  (And I want to see a “before” shot.)  Oh, and does Keren have a weird speech thing going on?  Like a formerly-deaf thing or something? I know, I know, there’s her accent.  But this is more of a frog/bubble caught in her throat or something.   Anyone?

Oh, ew.  They’re done in the Jacuzzi and Doug asks Keren to leave first, so he can watch her walk away.  She’s a good sport about it, but EW.  Ew, ew, ew.   At least cover for it by saying, “Ladies first.  I’m a gentleman,” and leer in private.  She KNOWS you’re checking out her ass without you having to spell it out. We all know. We always do.

David picks up Ilene. He’s wearing a suit jacket and dress shirt, and she’s in a little strapless jumper.  Remember, it’s a hot summer in NYC.  David greets her warmly enough, and normally enough, and I almost forget that he’s weird.  (A day has passed since I started writing the recap, and David is fresh for my eyes today.)

Their date starts off with a stroll through Grand Central Station.  That’s actually a neat idea. It IS an iconic NYC landmark, and I’d love to wander around in there without having an actual train to catch.  They’re doing okay so far, right?

So far, so good.

They head to the Grand Central Market, which looks almost like a cross between an upscale farmer’s market and the market at Harrod’s in London.  Like, there’s some good stuff up in there, yo.  They’re pretty comfortable with each other at this point, seeming like they’re both having a good time.  Ilene orders a shit ton of desserts, and David almost seems pissed.  Like, if I didn’t already know he was creepy, I’d think he was probably like, “Aww, this little thing wants to eat all these desserts.”  Instead, I know he’s an ass, so I know he’s getting annoyed that she’s ordering all these childish foodstuffs.

Does she call something a “sneaker” pie?  Not Snicker?

Back to Doug and Keren.  They’re back in the limo, heading now to dinner.  They’re talking about playing guitar, her stint in the Isreali army, etc.  I mean, they’re doing just fine, right?  Then they’re at dinner, and it still seems to be going well.  She’s giving him good body language, flirtin’ it all up in his grill.  (And his carefully spiked front part of his hair.  My 40-something brother does that, too.)   They end with a little dance lesson, there in the restaurant.  Doug concludes that Patti was right—he should get to know women better first, before plunging his rod into them. But the thing is, that was just a regular dinner date, right?  How fast is this guy moving, if this seems to be a departure from how he usually operates?  I mean there’s sex on the first date, and then there’s sex…BEFORE the first date?  Really?

“If you don’t want to marry me, I’ll smother you to death.”

David and Ilene arrive at a restaurant in Tribeca, where David promises to spoil Ilene with a dinner from the heavens.  We get a glimpse of the menu, and I see caviar, crème fraiche, lobster, and more.  Yum.  Oh, and it’s a personalized menu, that David developed, with his and Ilene’s names on the top.  Wow. There are a zillion wine glasses on the table, so I guess they’ll be doing some tasting, too.

The chef comes out to tell them what they’re in for.  First course is an uni shooter, which is sea urchin.  I know uni because it’s known to be an acquired taste in sushi, a delicacy, mostly because it tastes like ass.  (Actually, my exact description of it, the few times I’ve had it:  “It tastes like licking a plastic doll while standing near the bumper cars at the boardwalk at the shore.”  Like, plastic and sulfuric and ocean-like.)

Ilene looks worried already, and her concern mounts when the chef mentions the second course.  That’s the fermented duck embryo y’all have probably heard about.  The chef almost looks embarrassed to be explaining this to Ilene, like he knows she’s getting punked and he feels bad about it.  David looks smug.  When Ilene voices her concern, David says, “We’re seeing what kind of tastes you have.”  Ew.  Totally testing her, and that’s awful.  That will only get you submissive wastes of human beings as girlfriends, not someone worthwhile.  BUT, David’s a rich idiot who thinks money can buy happiness.  I’m glad Ilene’s not going along with it.

David and Ilene are holding the uni shooters in champagne flutes, and Ilene’s so over it.  David says, “On three….”  Ilene’s like, “No fucking way.”  David says, “You can, and you will.”  It’s the most condescending and prickish thing I’ve heard in a long time.  Ilene recoils at it, too.  Good for her. You know the only reason she’s sticking this out is because it’s on TV.  Otherwise, there’d be an Ilene-shaped hole in the wall, a la Kool-Aid Man.  (“All right!”)

Hey!  No thanks!

Then the duck arrives, and David quips to the chef, “Let’s hope she does better with this than she did with the shooters.”  She shudders and hugs herself. Then she gives David a death-stare.  He deserves it.  He deserves worse, honestly.  What a fucking pig.  The waiter checks in, and David sells his date up the river.  “My date wouldn’t even try it.”  And he accuses her of being a brat about it, to boot!  Man, I’ve never wanted to kick a guy in the nuts as badly as I do right now.  I expect that millions of women across the country feel the same way.  Good luck in that dating pool now, ya dingus!

Ilene toughs it out, though.  She asks if he thought of her at all when he planned the date, if he thought she’d have actually liked this stuff.  He looks away and cocks his head, and you know he’s trying not to blurt out that it was all a test because he’s a big fat asshole.  She accuses him of showing off (true, true).  So he ends up letting it rip—he tells her it was a test. “A husband testing a future wife.”  Ilene laughs and puts her head in her hand.  Yep, it’s that bad.  With that creepy smile and creepy eyes, he asks, “Do you feel like you’re sitting across the table from your husband?”  “No,” she says.  “Yeah, me neither.”  His smile fades as he says that, and his eyes narrow.  It’s actually a little menacing, if you clue in on that microexpression again.  Ilene picks up on it and her smile falls, too.  She may have even reached for her pepper spray.  I could see this guy chasing her through the restaurant with a chainsaw, singing Whitney Houston and crying about his business cards.

Poor, poor thing.

Phew.  We got through it.  Now I’ll breeze through the follow-ups, cuz we kinda know where all of this is going, right?

Patti calls Keren, who says she had a great time on the date despite the hot tubbing.  Doug arrives at the office, like, two seconds later.  Patti asks him first how he thought it went, and he’s a good read of things.  He thinks she had a good time; he thinks she didn’t like the spa portion.  And Patti nods.  Otherwise, she’s like, “yeah, sure, he learned something.”  It doesn’t sound too inspiring.

So then they call Ilene. She lays it all out, that the date was awful, and that he wanted her to eat a duck embryo.  Patti and Destin’s foreheads collectively wrinkle.  Patti’s confused—he said he was going to take Ilene to a nice restaurant with lavish gardens.   Apparently, he lied!  Also, Ilene thinks he’s way creepy, isn’t attracted to him, and didn’t like him groping at her in the limo.

Yep, I agree, he’s crazy.

David comes in to meet with Patti, and she unloads on him right away.  He was supposed to take her to the rooftop garden date—what happened?  David starts complaining right away, and Patti doesn’t want to hear it.  He didn’t follow her advice, so he’s wrong and needs to be punished. (I type really fast and sometimes words come out without my doing, like I always swap “lunch” for “lungs” and vice versa.  I’ve been correcting “Dough” for “Doug” all day, and just now, I typed that David “needs to be punched”.  And I’m right!)

Explaining “you’re creepy” to someone creepy doesn’t really work, we’ve learned.

I think David practiced weird asshole lines to say to make sure that he’d get on TV and get bad press, because he delivers the awkward, “I came here to find love and that’s what you give me?”.  His eyes look in weird places as he says this.  He is JUST PLAIN WEIRD.  Patti explodes.  “What is WRONG with you??!”  And David’s out.  Buh-bye!

Patti Explosion.  (Third frame is her mid-”what the fuck”!)

Captions of Truth!  Tell us how it really is, please.  (What?  I said “please!”)  Doug asked Keren out for another date, but she’s apparently moving to Isreal soon, so that’s a “no.”  David was kicked out of the club, so he’s still single, and Ilene is in therapy for her bad date. I’m kidding—she’s fine, just hates David a lot.

Next week!  Jill Zarin makes an appearance.  Oh no.  She apparently wants Patti to fix up a friend of hers.  I stopped watching RHONY after the second season, and even then, I barely watched.  Who knows who this lady is?   Is she the same one who’s got a celebrity crush on BRUCE VILANTCH?!  Seriously??!  Wow.  Not only is he gay, he is UGLY.  (Sorry.  I know he’s a sweetie.)  Then there’s another millionairess who is a pain in the ass.  What’s new?

Yikes.  (I loved him on Celebrity Fit Club!)

P.S. I did a little sleuthing on Twitter, and that led me to these:

Yes, definitely had some work done on his eyes.

Recognize anyone??  (WHOA.)