Get off. No, seriously, get off. UGH.
Guten tag, mein ‘Gasmii! How goes? It’s time for Millionaire Matchmaker, and we’ve got a fun one this week!
But first, we get our pre-credits non-matchmaking Patti spotlight. She’s at lunch with some kiss-ass friends who think she’d be a great mom. Patti looks demurely at the table, then in a decidedly non-demure fashion announces that babies need a toy, food, or a boob. “It’s the same when they grow up!,” her friend quips. Yes! Men are babies! Facetiousness!
Time for the DVD pre-intros this week. Rachel’s millionaire is a kid from Chicago, Daniel, who reminds me a LOT of many of the good guy friends I had in high school. You know, the guys in the gifted class who are smart and witty and not terribly hot but end up successful with hot wives. Oops, not Daniel. That’s why he’s here. (Actually, I think he’s here for fun, not to actually find love. Like, he was like, “Hey, I wonder if I could get on this show? I wonder if I can make it fun and poke fun at the establishment?” Answer: he can and he does.)
What? Someone duping us for publicity? That never happens. Besides, we HATE publicity.
Anyway, Daniel works for Groupon, writing those funny blurbs that go along with your daily offer. He’s based out of Chicago, and he’s a total introvert. Like, the world goes on around him while he’s working with puppets or buying comic books. He has a rich Google cache, but none of it seems scandalous. I think he’s just a smart guy who wanted to try out this reality TV gig for a bit.
Not accustomed to interacting with humans.
Destin hates Daniel’s outfit, and Patti hates his beard. “He’s never been laid, has he?” she asks. One would guess that he hasn’t, but if he has, the keyword was probably “fumbling.” Patti tells Rachel to give him his money back (except the millionaires on this show don’t pay!), because it’s a waste of time. Aww.
Destin’s millionaire is a good ol’ fashioned creepy prince! He’s kinda like a young C. Montgomery Burns, if Mr. Burns was Austrian. He’s wearing a very Euro outfit in his DVD, complete with turquoise pocket square. As he’s first explaining his lineage, I’m like, “Is this guy shitting us?” He’s talking about being from a 1000 year old Viking family, but being born in Austria, but being from Denmark AND Germany. Who-the-what?
Smithers has all the details on the lineage. Ask him.
Prince Max is mostly concerned anymore that women want to date him for his title, for the royalty. Well, duh. But also, he’s all too keen to tell us that if he were to marry an American, she’d be a princess and be called “her heinous”. I mean “heiness.” That doesn’t look right. HIGHNESS. There. Anyway, anyway, don’t bitch about girls wanting you for your prince-ness if that’s what you choose to promote, dummy. Patti wants to strip him of the royalty stuff and just find this creep a damn date.
Patti’s on her way to meet Prince Max. Josh is driving wearing the requisite douche hat (fedora?), and I immediately lose all respect for him. Also, he’s no longer in a suit, and when Patti mentions that she doubts the Prince’s lineage a bit, Josh is like, “You’re Patti Stanger, I’m sure you’ll ask him straight up, whackity whack, yo.” (Maybe not the very last part.) (The rest is a quote.)
Time to REALLY meet Prince Max. He’s waiting anxiously for her at a restaurant, wearing a jacket with his family crest on it. Is it me, or do his jawlines not match? One is significantly shallower than the other. Either he lost that side to some illness or the other side is too large due to a different illness. (Inbreeding?) I’m probably a jerk for noticing. Hey, I’ve got flaws, too. That’s why I’m not on reality TV!
Anyway, Prince Max is eager to greet Patti, jumping up when she arrives and moving a tad too quickly to air-kiss her hand. He also awkwardly pulls out her chair for her. It’s all stilted and nervous, and he angles the chair away from him, too, which makes me laugh. “Don’t look at me! I’m hideous!”
Mario Max Oliver Edward George Prince Schaumberg-Lippe. That’s this dude’s full name. Wiki tells me Max’s father is related to Danish royalty but is not in line to the throne because he’s not a direct descendent of Christian X. (Who is Christian X? Once this recap is done, I’m diving into Danish royalty to find out. Hope I don’t get lost.) Oh, but he IS in line for the British throne, of all things. And actually, Max’s father, the royal one, is actually his step-father. And Mario-Max was born Mario-Helmut Wagner, but he legally changed his name to—wait for it– Mario Max Prince Antonius Adolf Albert Eduard Oliver Gertraud Edith Helga Magdalena Schaumburg-Lippe.
Whole. Lee. Shit.
Max, 34, lives in Germany, NYC, and LA. He runs his own company, something with perfumes and vodkas. (It’s probably hard to tell the two apart.) He does charity stuff a lot. He hates all the gossip and photographers at these charity balls, though. He’s ready to settle down and make babies. Or get some PR for his vodka perfume.
He’s not hideous, and he’s tall and looks good in a tux. But the German/Austrian accent is a little much. I keep waiting to hear he also likes sheize films. (I had to Google that to at least get the spelling, and I was scared my computer would blow up, even without me actually clicking on anything. Phew.)
“This doesn’t smell anything like sheize. Try again.”
Patti’s first question is about all the royalty stuff, since she doesn’t trust it and didn’t find a lot of supporting evidence on the internet. Prince Max is all set to explain it, which tells me he has had to do this many times before. It’s a practiced and somewhat rushed explanation that doesn’t leave a lot of time for thinking and following bloodlines. I have the feeling that if Patti really slowed him down to truly understand it, he’d get really upset. But she’s satisfied enough with what he’s spewed so far, so we move on.
“So, really, it’s all in name and nothing else, kinda, really, but no?”
Patti tells Prince Max that she’s stripping him of all prince things for the mixer. He’s just going to be Max. He looks shocked for a second, but then he’s totally fine with it. Excited, even. Looking forward to meeting a girl without having the prince thing in the way. (That’s what she said.)
He’s always getting in the way.
Then we head over to Hollywood, to meet Daniel at Pink’s hot dogs. Of course. Patti gets out of her Jag-ee-yar limo out front and saunters past all the doofuses in line. She’s wearing extreme bell-bottoms that I decide don’t look that great. They’re too tight on the leg with too much flare. Needs better proportion. Also, I’m kinda sad that I didn’t get to try Pink’s while I was in LA earlier this year, but my LA friends said it wasn’t worth the line. But I like hot dogs!
Anyway, Daniel’s waiting for Patti out back at a table with an umbrella. He’s got hisself a nice chili dog that he’s been waiting to devour on camera. But first, we have to officially meet him!
Daniel Kibblesmith. Does he have a brother named “Bitsmith”? Oh man, I slay me. I bet he’s NEVER heard a joke like that before. Ahem. Anyway, he’s just your average dork. Not so tall, slender, messy hair, patchy beard, nerd glasses, hoodies and ironic T’s. He has a pet turtle, he plays with puppets. He’s adorable, honestly. I’d never date him, but he’s so cute. Like a pet puppet.
“Hey, girls, come play with my turtle.”
He claims to want to be on the show to do something with his newfound millionaire status, to get tips on how to meet girls, etc. But again, I don’t think Daniel is at all serious in this. I think he wants to be a goof on TV. I think he left that ranch dressing on his lip on purpose after biting that hot dog, so Patti would dab it off and everyone would talk about him on Tuesday. Right?
Patti, I think you need to give him a boob. What? That’s what you said earlier!
Daniel’s biggest problem is that he’s a shy introvert. He sees a hottie at the bar? He hangs back and does nothing. Oh no no no, Patti needs you to be the aggressor. Be the tiger, she says. She insults his clothes next, saying, “I wouldn’t sleep with you. I wouldn’t give you a blowjob either.” Daniel gulps. “Yeah.” Ha!! Patti insults his hoodie one more time on her way out, then coos “byeeee” and Daniel’s like, “Yeah, bye.” Dismissive. Yep, he’s acting.
So we head to some boutique to get Daniel some new clothes. Patti’s got a stylist ready to go, making him try on tons of stuff. He’s totally awkward about it, but he’s a good sport. They settle on a sport coat with jeans and sneakers for the mixer and some black buttondown for the date. Then Patti takes off his glasses and adds a douchey fedora. She says something about “JT-ify ya”. Um, no.
Oh, that was Part 1. Part 2 is at the salon. Patti wants the beard gone and the hair fixed. She mentions the receding hairline, which is so sweet of her. Then she’s like, “Gotta run!” and high-fives the stylist on her way out. She also totally leaves Daniel hangin’.
“Just take a sandblaster to the whole thing, please.”
So, the hair gets shorn and the beard gets gone, and, oh, ew, the nose hairs get trimmed. Gross. I know it needs to happen and am grateful that it does happen, but I don’t want to see it, let alone a close-up!
Time to find dates! Patti’s looking for a tall, athletic woman who likes to travel. That’s for Max. For Daniel, we’re looking for a nice, pretty girl who can teach Daniel about hanging out in LA.
We catch a few tall blondes for Max, including a runway model named Clark who jokes about people thinking she’s a dude. It’s because of the name, but she’s also tall and kinda square-jawed, so… They choose a low-budget Miley Cyrus girl for Daniel (but tell her she’s dressed horribly, to come back looking a lot better).
“I don’t really look too much like a man, do I?”
Then they talk to some tall brunette who’s a family therapist, and they cut her down for having older energy, that they need her for an older millionaire. Fine, but there’s no need to be mean about it. Some other girl, Tori, is apparently drunk or something, but they don’t show us enough of her for us to see that for ourselves, so it’s kinda stupid.
Some pug-faced girl who loves partying gets picked for Daniel, but first Patti insults her for wearing something “frumpty-dumpty” that she saw in Lucky magazine and liked but no one will sleep with her while she’s wearing. Or something.
Then there’s a sign language interpreter. Patti asks if she’s deaf, and she’s not. Then Patti asks how to say “I love you” in DEAF LANGUAGE. You just said “sign language,” you asshole, you know what it is. Wow.
How do you say “what a skank” in deaf language?
Leggings are not pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pet peeve of mine)
Oh Patti. You and your butchering of words. As they wrap up the casting for dates, she says, “I just know we’re going to nail it to the cross.” Again, WOW.
Time for the mixer! First, Patti and Rachel meet with Max outside, making sure he knows not to mention “prince” at all. (What about Purple Rain?) Then Daniel walks up, all shy and dorky. He is cute as a button. He just doesn’t look very good in the stupid hat Patti loves. He looks like he’s going as Clark Kent for Halloween or something.
“Dad, can I use your suit and hat to play Don Draper for a while?”
“I never meant to cause you any sorrow, I never meant to cause you any pain. I just want to take you on a stilted date with a camera crew holding steady six inches from our faces and tell you I’m just barely royalty.”
Here’s the part you all loved from the previews. While the matchmakers get the event prepped, Max and Daniel have some time to chat. Daniel’s super-excited about this prince business (again, I think he’s acting). He asks if Max has a horse. Max laughs. No horse. It’s all modern, regular life, just also with some history. Max takes it seriously. Daniel does not, referring to Max as “the coolest guy he ever met” and also as “a fairy-tale character.”
Some girl Erica who was kinda frumpy (for real) at the casting shows up looking a lot better (though still caveman-browed), and Max likes her a lot right away. They have the alcohol company thing in common, I guess, and she lived in Germany before.
“About me? Well, I have nothing to say about royal blood lines. Nothing at all, nope. Also, your tits look great in that top.”
Daniel isn’t having an easy time, fielding compliments about his hat from a group of women, then slinking away like a scared puppy. You KNOW all those women want to mother the shit out of this kid. No blowjobs, just nurturing.
Oh, is that Annaliese from last week? Is she the one who helps draw Daniel back into conversation? Fun!
Later, the group asks Daniel, “Are you a nerd?” What? Who asks that? And why? Daniel is like, “Um, yeah, dumbass.” Later, one of the va-va-voom girls from the casting is all up in Daniel’s face. Speaking of her face, her hair is blown out HORRIBLY, like someone attacked it with a flat-iron and a glue gun. The mascara blobs on the lower lashes are out of control. I think she’s the one Patti warned to go light on the booze? Wow.
Meanwhile, Max has all the tall, confident blondes vying for his attention. The runway model one, Clark, is trying really hard. She’s gorgeous and has a lot going for her, but her downfall (if you ask me) is that she’s trying too hard. I hate trying too hard.
This is a classic Millionaire Matchmaker episode, with two mini-dates, then the master date. So, Max chooses Erica (the former frump) and Clark, who tries too hard. Daniel chooses Krstynna or however the fuck it’s spelled, a friendly girl with curly red hair. WAIT A SECOND. Redheads are fire-crotch bitches! And Patti makes everyone straighten their hair!! WHAT IS GOING ON. First there are earthquakes, then hurricanes, and now curly redhead acceptance??! Oh, and he picks that Shireena chick with the glue-gun hair. Patti warns that she could be a little Lindsay Lohan—can he handle it? (He can, because he’s not quite the dork he’s making himself out to be, right?)
Max’s first mini-date is with Erica, and it is immediately creepy. They sit down, say hello (again), and he asks, “Why are you smiling?” (He’s also smiling.) She’s like, “Um, because I’m happy to see you?…” Then he’s all nervous and not making conversation, so she takes over a little bit. Oh boy, not so good.
Shereena (spelled it right this time, can’t make any promises for the future) meets with Daniel. Oh yeah, she’s the sign language interpreter. They talk about art. Daniel’s into modern art, and Shereena’s a whore, she likes everything and is easy to please. She bats those overladen mascara lashes at him. Daniel likes it. Oh, and they do a sign language alphabet race. (He wins.)
Max meets with Clark next. He’s enamored with her height. Also, she looks a lot better all made up, but she’s still trying too hard. Max is a little less awkward talking to Clark, asking if she likes to dance, what kind of hang-out style she has. She prefers “events” to clubs, and she doesn’t really answer the dance question. She must’ve picked up on the royalty thing somehow because she mentions ballroom dancing. I think Max just wanted to know if she hits the dance floor at clubs, not if she can do a waltz. Weird. She does a Julia-Roberts-in-Pretty-Woman-horse-laugh at the end.
“Heehaw haw haw haw haw!”
Krystyna is up next with Daniel. Turns out she was pre-med in college but also did theater. And then she suggests that they dance for their mini-date. No music, just dance instruction. He plays along, but I think he thought it was weird. He stops them abruptly.
Who’d they choose for the master dates, then? Max chose Clark. Of course. Trying too hard wins a lot of the time. Daniel chose Shereena. Also not a surprise. I just hope she looks more natural on the date.
In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, we get to watch Patti instruct Daniel on how to adjust his penis in his pants correctly. I LOL, though, when Daniel says something about not being sure if she was speaking metaphorically or if she was instructing him to adjust his genitals. I do love a good deadpan genital joke.
Wait, next week, this show is on Thursdays? I don’t like this at ALL. Monday was perfect! Wah! Actually no, this is good. I can sack out on Monday nights with good ol’ Intervention and Hoarders instead of writing. Hooray! (Programming note, y’all, the next MM episode is next Thursday, Sept 8th.)
Oh god. Shereena shows up for her date with Daniel wearing a ridiculous costume. It’s like Natty Gann trying out for So You Think You Can Dance. Like, ankle boots with capri cargos with a tank with a bolero-cut plaid button-down with a beret. What in the fuck. I mean, she looks cute, almost? Daniel is sweet, notices the suspenders that I forgot to mention. Oh, she’s got too much makeup on again. Yuck. In this one angle, she looks a little like a pock-marked Jessica Simpson.
Totally pulled together and classy, no?
Daniel wants to spend the afternoon looking at galleries and whatnot. Hmm, that’s an okay first date. Not terribly romantic, but it keeps you moving and keeps giving you stuff to talk about. But could be awkward. And my sciatica would be pissed if this were me. (My boyfriend knows I need to sit down a lot—we would not have done this art gallery business on a first date!)
I think the thing I hate the most about Shereena’s look is the nude lipstick. Like, on the too-bronzered face.
Ugh, Max shows up to pick up Clark in a Rolls Royce. She’s wearing a fairly casual shirt and skirt, and he’s got a denim blazer on, I think? Anyway, he’s going to take her ballroom dancing, and he’s even bought her a dress! Oh, this is totally Pretty Woman territory. She does the heehaw laugh again.
“I hope she likes that I’m a prince.”
They show up at some swank old-money hotel (I think—clue me in, Angelinos) where Clark must get hair and makeup in addition to the ball gown. Max is wearing a tux now. I notice the ballroom still has carpeting, they didn’t put down hardwood flooring at all. I’m sure a convention set-up (100 seats, schoolroom) needs to happen in a few hours, so they’ll just skip that step today. Clark does look pretty in her long turquoise one-shoulder gown.
Oh, there’s the wood floor. Nevermind.
Clark is totally into it, having fun. Max is having fun too, I think. So, that’s nice. It seems genuine enough for now. Then they’re done dancing and he dips her and then it looks like they’re going to kiss but they don’t but I cringe anyway. I don’t want to see this guy kissing anyone.
So, Daniel and Shereena are still looking at art, and though Shereena seemed to be into it at first, I think the DTs are kicking in. “Now that you showed me stuff about art, I want to take you to a bar.” That’s almost verbatim what she said. “I want to show you MY world.” Um, being a drunk isn’t having “a world.” It’s being a drunk. Daniel makes me LOL again when he cautions, “Two drink maximum.”
So they’re at the bar, and Shereena already has a cocktail in front of her and then orders Washington Apple shots for the two of them. Daniel’s not a big drinker (shoulda picked Krystyna, then, she’s not a drinker either), isn’t into it. But he slugs down his huge shot, finishing before Shereena, which impresses her. Of course it does.
Daniel’s recipe for an Old Fashioned? Part tuxedo, part motorcycle fuel, and part alimony payments. HA!
Anyway, Daniel takes control back, suggesting they head off to their dinner reservation. Shereena’s fine with that. I’m not fine with that awful eyeshadow she’s wearing. Oh, and just when I think to myself, “I’m surprised she’s not going to glug down Daniel’s almost-untouched drink before they leave,” Shereena turns back to go glug down Daniel’s almost-untouched drink before they leave. Yup.
Back to Max. They’re sitting down to dinner, and Max asks Clark about where she grew up, etc. She answers, then asks the same. Here’s where Max gets to reveal the prince thing. (That’s what he said.) (About Prince.) (That’s actually a wiener joke.) (Right?)
It’s whatever you want it to be.
Clark’s eyes get HUGE and she’s totally excited. She actually says, “Score!” out loud! Then they talk kinda genuinely about it for a bit, then he leans in for a kiss. WHAT is it with men who go right for a tongue at the first second??! God, you just told her you’re a prince. Be soft with your damn kisses! Also, I’m cringing.
I just let that cringe continue because we’re back to Daniel, and here comes Shereena in an awful pink dress. Her hair looks worse, and her extensions look really cheap. She does an awkward kiss thing to Daniel, and he’s like, “Ew.” Also, she’s wearing glitter. Oh, but she took off the awful blue eyeshadow. Is that a fake metal mole stuck to her lip?
Anyway, they sit down to dinner, where Daniel comments about getting “some food in him.” Shereena launches into conversation, opening with how she lost her virginity at 18. Then she says something about “I don’t have to be your girlfriend, but…” and something about showing him a good time. Then she asks for a peck on the lips, but Daniel balks. She says, “I don’t have any sores!” Yes, that’s what all classy women say after asking for a kiss! Which classy women don’t do anyway! She yanks him in and he can’t stand it. She’s too drunk to see that. Yuck.
Good, we’re almost done! Patti calls Shereena to ask how the date went. She says it was fun, but he wasn’t confident, wasn’t a tiger. Rachel asks how many drinks they had. “Um, two small ones, I think…” Daniel comes in to fill in the other side of the date. But really, he just says he bit off more than he could chew, but that he learned something from it. I kinda wish there’d been more railing against Shereena for being a drunk skank, but oh well.
“Y U no yell at Shereena for being a drunk?!”
Then they call Clark. She had a great time, would go out with him again, and, oh yeah, he’s a prince. She liked that they got to know each other first before he told her. Patti’s so proud of herself for that piece of advice, but any of us idiots could have done the same thing. Right? That’s the first thing we all thought when we first saw his video, right??
Max comes in, looking happy and tan, wearing Daniel’s hat. He was thrilled that Clark liked him for him, not because he’s a prince. Yes, but she still assumed you were way rich and that’s why she was so smiley and agreeable. She’s still a gold-digger! But whatever. He’s happy with Clark, they’re happy with him, not much more to say to that. “You have to win her,” Patti advises. I think that’s already been done.
Captions of Truth! Go! Supposedly, Max and Clark are still dating. Really. Off to Google it! As for Daniel, he didn’t see Skanky Drinker again, of course.
Next week, there’s a creep and another creep. And Patti goes parasailing or something. Come back!