Yep, we’re still here!
Dear ‘Gasmii, I hope you’re ready to talk about Millionaire Matchmaker, because that’s what we’re about to do. The show actually aired a second time in the latest time slot it got moved to, which means it’s not dead yet. Soon, though, I think. Soon dead.
Last week was pretty boring, mostly. We had that redheaded software geek who went to the Santa Monica pier with Mrs. Frisby, and then we had that young Cobra Kai fellow who took his date to hot yoga. At least the guys were respectful of their dates, I think, which is more than you can usually say for this crap anymore.
This week! Well, let’s just get to the tape.
We open with Patti stopping by Perez Hilton’s place. When he first appeared on the screen, I was like, “Who is that jack-o-lantern, and why do I feel like I recognize him?” Then they said his name. He’s a lot thinner now, but still pretty gross in the face. Sorry, but he is. (I am too, but that’s why I’m not on TV!)
Anyway, they’re apparently filming a vlog post, just a regular interview. PH asks how she got into matchmaking, then asks how she is on a date. She admits she gets nervous and gets quiet when she likes someone. I’m mostly laughing at the body language (she’s sooooo leaning away) and admiring how great the bright blue top looks on her. Great color for her.
Let’s go to the office! What millionaires do Rachel and Destin have for Patti this week?
God, what IS “Sushi Girl”? I refuse to Google it!
Rachel’s got a guy named Jason, who’s in his 30s and owns a health food company or something. He’s the bore, which we already know from the commercials. Within the first three seconds of his video, Patti asks if he’s gay. He’s not. Cut to the next part of his video, where he says he gets asked if he’s gay all the time. Ha! He’s very metro, for sure, which is a problem where he lives (York, PA, a small Amish-like town). He thinks he’s never been in love.
And then he starts rambling about working out. Not rambling like, “I have a zillion things to say because I think I’m so interesting,” but more like, “I’m going to keep talking even though I only have one or two sentences to say about the topic. Uh…” Patti’s making an “ugh” face about him. Rachel thinks he needs some help by way of improv and modern dance. Oh no, one of these episodes. Now I’m making an “ugh” face.
Our other guy this week is Destin’s millionaire, Frank. Frank is the star and producer of a show in Vegas called “Diva Las Vegas.” It’s a drag show. He’s finding it hard to date because he’s so busy. And he had been in a super-long-term relationship (18 years!), which ended when they went into business together and it became more of a partnership that way. Bummer. Patti wants to cut his hair. He’s got a Sylvester Stallone/Pat Benatar mane going on.
Frank’s looking for a metrosexual kinda guy, the ideal being someone who looks like Taylor Lautner, though he’d also do Ryan Seacrest. Ha! (Meanwhile, I admit that at first, I was like, “is he actually gay?” Ya know, before they revealed that he’s seeking a man. Just because someone does drag doesn’t mean they’re gay, but it USUALLY does, doesn’t it? I admit I know very little about any of it, but I’m wise enough to not assume that just because you like to wear women’s clothes and prance about on stage that you’re gay.) (Frank is gay.)
Who else pinged and thought, “Hey, not-gay Jason, who looks a little like Ryan Seacrest and is totally metro, would be a great match!” ? Except Jason’s not gay.
Anyway, Patti recognizes Frank as the celebrity he is (biggest headliner in Vegas, she says), which tells her she needs to coach Frank like she does other celebs. Leave the celebrity at the door, be normal Frank.
(Did anyone catch what Destin said when Patti asked when she was meeting people? Jason was coming to the office and then? “Draping meho?” “Draping WeHo?” I know it’s not “draping.” What is it??!) (Drag queen WeHo?)
Jason comes in to meet with Patti. Wow, he really seems gay. Sorry, I had to say it. I feel rude about it, though. We cut right to his extended intro, where we watch him walk down the streets of York, PA, ride some mountain bike trails really gingerly, and swim in a lap pool. His apartment is very metro and modern, not like most apartments in that area. (I went to school in that general area, I know it well!) Oh, and he’s got a second home in LA.
Not Yorktown, just YORK
Yeah, that’s not typical of the Amish lands around him.
Patti sits with him to get a little more info, and it’s like pulling teeth. His longest relationship was about two years, and apparently the whole time, he was panicking about it getting too serious. He also can’t answer simple questions about himself, like if he’s a country boy or city boy. Even if you don’t have a simple, definitive answer to that, most people would have a little narrative to go with their answer. Not Jason. He just says “I don’t know,” and cocks his head to the side to wait for Patti to move on. She doesn’t. Instead, she stares at him like he’s a freak, and he kinda is. We now know why he’s single.
She’s like, “You gotta loosen up.” He just nods and says, “yeah.” She talks about Rachel’s friend helping to loosen him up, and he nods and says, “yeah.” Scintillating dude. Meanwhile, most men aren’t all that interested in doing dance lessons, especially weird, kooky improv ones. This should be interesting.
Oh, drag queen BINGO! THAT’s where they’re heading. Fun! It’s during the day? That’s weird!
Frank’s there, not in drag, but helping to host this drag queen bingo event at Hamburger Mary’s. (Why do I feel like I just read about this place or talked about it with someone recently. Was it on an episode of Man v. Food?) Patti and Destin stroll in and take a seat. Frank comes by to introduce himself, and that’s where his extended intro begins.
Wow, he looks great as a blonde woman! We get to see clips of his Vegas show, in which he apparently does a weird Joan Rivers impression, among others (Bette Midler, Tina Turner, etc.). Oh, and Patti Stanger, of the chunky/bangs era. “Meet my millionaires!” The only thing he got wrong was the black lipliner. He needed to go with a completely nude lip.
Wow, this guy has two stars on the Vegas Walk of Fame AND has a street named after him. And he has a key to the city! Wow. His home is very Liberace-looking. He even says it’s a very “drag queen” home. There’s 80s opulence all around, though I get a taste of Pee Wee Herman with the huge (HUGE!) rubber ball in the pool. He LOVES his little Maltese, Sheree.
His biggest problem with dating in Vegas is that everyone knows him. And they all want a piece of the celebrity. He’d rather meet someone and date someone as Frank. Well, perfect, you and Patti are totally on the same page then!
Anyway, Patti and Frank head off to a quiet corner of Hamburger Mary’s to chat it out. He’s brought her an autographed photo of himself dressed up as her, which makes her squeal. As he says, you’re not a diva until someone impersonates you. She loves it. And I do too!
They have a pretty awesome conversation about everything, where I feel like for once she’s talking to someone with the respect he deserves. And he’s open and engaged and smart about it, too. (Hence my declaration of it being “awesome.”) They talk about the 18 year relationship (they never fought, are still best friends), about celebrity, and so on. Her biggest advice, from one “celebrity” to another (ugh), is to diffuse the question when people start to ask too many personal questions. Flip it back to them, get the spotlight off of you. Good advice for anyone, really, but I guess celebs have people trying to dig too deeply sometimes.
Jason heads off to the dance studio to learn how to be less of a boring doofus. Rachel’s waiting there with her friend Keltie. What a weird name. Anyway, she’s going to try to loosen this guy up. They start by looking in the mirror and leaning their heads to the left and right. Jason looks stiff and weird.
Keltie then has Jason act out emotion words for her. She is REALLY into this, by the way. Like, out of breath while she talks and really animated. She’s the opposite of Jason, really. She gives him an example of “happy,” bending over to wind up into a big happy explosion jump of yay. She tells him to try acting out “mad.” He doesn’t really do anything. She’s like, “Come on, idiot, MAD.” And stomps her foot, shaking her arms and going “RRRRR!”. She asks him to try again, and he does a really limp version of her stomp/”Rrrrr”.
He tells us that he feels like an idiot. Honestly, any man would! Anyone except Frank, that is, maybe? But seriously, I would feel like an idiot, too, and I freely act like a doofus all the time!
Then we get a montage of everything they work on, including crawling like a tiger, moving eyebrows to show emotion, and walking casually. Yes, she helped him learn how to walk casually. Oh boy.
Wow, it’s bad when you need someone to coach you on how to move your eyebrows charismatically.
Well, that’s over, thank god. Time to find some dates!
So for Jason, they need a Jessica Biel type with personality and spunk, and maybe she’s gotta be cool enough that she doesn’t mind that Jason has NO personality. For Frank, they need a hot metrosexual dude who has his own thang going on, doesn’t need to live off the riches of others.
The first guy they like for Frank seems cool, but they have to ask him if he’ll date older (he’s 33, Frank is 48) and if he’ll date a drag queen. This guy’s like, “oh god,” but agrees to it. Then they talk to another guy who’s got, as Patti calls it, blocked energy. He’s a no.
They find some girls for Jason by asking, “Do you mind if he’s kinda femmy, but really hot? Is it okay that he’s bicoastal?” You know these people will say yes to anything if it means A) getting on TV and B) getting a date with a millionaire.
Ouch. Patti’s really mean to this one guy. Sure, he’s 5’5” and looks pretty well-ridden for 41, but he’s cute and seems funny. But she dismisses him when he tells his tale of getting dumped by his last guy. He raises his hand so he can ask if she’s ever had a millionaire who wanted a petite, funny guy to hang out with, not a big musclehead. She’s like, “No. Let me put it to you this way. If you had all the money in the world, are you going to go for YOU or for the buff guy at the gym?” Petite guy considers it and nods, “Gotcha.” Aww, my heart just broke a little for him. He’s got his work cut out for him, and it can’t be easy.
Our requisite train wreck is some Palestinian swimsuit model. She put on her application that she wants to date a white Isreali guy, “because they’re sexy.” Patti’s like, “This guy is whitebread and boring.” And she’s like, “Cool, as long as he’s hot.” (Basically.) They give her a “no” and tell her she’s a mess. The way she simpers and looks up at the ceiling when people are talking to her, she’s right.
This other little guy, Paul, gets chosen to have a chance with Frank because he’s dated older before (he’s only 27) and because he’s got ripped abs. So shallow!
Oh, and then there’s crazy pursed lips Charlie Buckey haired Alan! When did we see him before, two seasons ago? I mocked him at first, but then he seemed really cool? Patti calls him one of her favorite gays. She lets him come to the mixer, but she’s worried about him talking too much. Nice!
Wow, then we get a montage that tops all montages. It’s about fat women, folks! Well, that’s the insinuation. Some of these women are a little fluffy, but they’re not obese. But they are practically playing the elephant walk music while these girls are talking, and they’re edited to be talking only about how they don’t like to be active, how they love to eat, how they love sugar, how they love buffets and stuffing themselves silly. Wow. WOW!
Anyway, bottom line is that they’re having a really hard time finding girls that’d be appropriate for this Jason guy. He’s hot but boring, and they need someone who can be okay with boring.
Mixer time! They rounded out the girl ratio for Jason with a batch of women from “the database.” Phew. Rachel checks in with Jason to see how he’s feeling, if he’s ready and full of personality. Ready, yes. Full of personality, no. Then Frank and Destin join them, and HAHAHA, I was right, Frank is SO into Jason! But Jason likes girls. Pity. (And Jason likes to end conversations with “yeah.” Seriously, it ENDS CONVERSATIONS.)
Meet my millionaires! So funny, because there’s a decided gender split in the room, it basically turns into a circle conversation over here (Jason + girls) and a circle conversation over there (Frank + boys). One guy immediately asks to hug Frank. Weird on any level.
“Please don’t hug the plastic surgery.”
Jason’s over there ending conversations with “yeah” left and right. It’s so hard to try to continue a conversation with someone who answers your question, says “yeah,” and asks no question of you. I’m a terrible conversationalist when it comes to asking people questions (it’s my biggest social flaw, and it’s HARD to work on!), but I will at least recognize when a conversation is dying because I’m doing it wrong. Jason is definitely doing it wrong.
Frank’s clatch of dudes is asking him about his drag shows, and he indulges for a moment, but then he asks Alan (Charlie Bucket hair) about what HE does. He likes to write for his website, which is about positivity or something! Nice!
Um, does Jason have lines shaved into the side of his head a la Vanilla Ice?! Weird. He’s training for a triathlon right now, he says. Oh boy, which distance, I wonder? (I do triathlon, just sprint and Olympic. Maybe a half IM someday, probably never a full IM.) Oh, he spells out the distances, so I know he’s looking to do a half IM. Wonder if it’s the Quakerman or maybe the one that’s in Columbia MD? I forget the name of that one. I love triathlon. He at least sounds engaged while he speaks about it, which is nice. A change from the “yeah” norm.
Was this John guy they picked for Frank on the all-gay episode a few episodes ago? The one with the casting by the pool? I think he got picked by Patti for one of the guys, but I think he was too young and too hot. Oh yeah, the guy who ultimately took his date horseback riding. That guy, right? (The one Patti was like, “oh, here’s our Paul Rudd lookalike!” NOT.) Frank seems to like him well enough.
Frank also likes the shorter younger guy that Patti talked to at casting. He is a cute guy and seems very sweet. Patti walked past him while he was asking Frank about his interest in having children (he wants ‘em) and said, “You are the cutest pocket gay.” Wow. Classy, Patti. Frank and whatever-his-name-is laugh it off.
Gotta pick two for the mini-dates, guys. Jason picked a tall brunette who’s very pretty, whom Patti hates because she’s not “enough” of a personality for Jason. He also liked the very personable blonde Patti had chosen for him at the casting, because she’s easy to talk to. (Exactly why Patti chose her.)
Frank chose the John guy from the last gay episode and the pocket gay, but he hesitates about John because he’s pretty sure John doesn’t like him. Patti’s like, “Oh, I’ll go ask.” And I like that she does this—it doesn’t waste anyone’s time. She straight-up asks John what he thought of Frank (“interesting”) and if he’d fuck him (“no”). Done. Pick another one, Frank! He picks Charlie Bucket Alan! Yay!
First mini-date is Jason and Taylor, the chatty blonde. Oh wait, it’s “Talor.” I hate when people spell their names distinctly. Anyway, she immediately hits the “yeah” wall and takes another tack. Well, Jason asks about what she does for fun, which she answers by talking about how active she is, and then she tosses it back to him. “Yeah…” UGH, THIS GUY.
The pocket gay’s name is Paul. He and Frank embark on their mini-date. Does he have a healing black eye going on or something? His left eye is a little red in the white, and there’s a visible bruise above his eyelid. Weird. Anyway, he talks about work and travel, and then says he’s really on his best behavior right now, that he’s usually very sarcastic and requires wit in his partner. Frank perks up at this, especially when Paul admits that he doesn’t care what people think when he engages in super sarcastic banter with his partner.
Why didn’t Patti force Frank to get a makeover for this event? I guess because he’s a “celebrity” and can’t alter what he’s got? But seriously, some deep conditioning and a trim on that hair, maybe a ponytail or an updated hairstyle…something. Frank would be ten times more appealing that way. But then again, the hair matches the “drag queen home” and he’s gotta be himself.
Jason meets with his second mini-date, the brunette Alison. She really is pretty. Jason liked her because she seemed shy, and Patti disliked her because she seemed bland. She thought Jason needed someone stronger. But actually, their banter is a lot better than it was with Talor, who’d said she liked “cracking nuts.”
Then Frank meets with Charlie Bucket Alan, who seems pretty nervous. He’s got his little speech about what he believes about living life, and Frank doesn’t seem as engaged. Also, Alan is doing exactly what Patti feared—talking too much.
And who’d the guys pick for their master dates? I’ll guess Jason picked the brunette and Frank picked the pocket gay. And…? I’m right! Jason liked the brunette because she seemed more genuine (good idea), and Frank just liked Paul. He IS a little worried about the banter becoming a competition between them. Interesting.
Frank tells Patti of his plan to bring Paul to Vegas for their master date, and Patti’s worried. Usually when people do that (take their date out of town), they end up forgetting boundaries and rules, such as “no sex before monogamy”. And for Frank, it’s possible that he’ll end up being Diva Frank, not Genuine Frank. Uh oh.
In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, we get extended convo from Patti and Frank on the couch, post-mini-dates. Frank basically asks Patti to find out if Jason will date him. Somehow, it ends up that Patti brings Jason over, where Frank asks if he’ll “dump the bitch and make the switch”. Jason laughs and is flattered, but no. NO.
And now for the dates!
Jason has a car pick up Alison and bring her to this ranch in Malibu. He announces that they’ll have dinner together on this little private island in the middle of a lake, or something, and the way to get there is on this raft. It’s more like a moving deck, not like the Yosemite Sam raft my grandmom let me use in the waves at Myrtle Beach. They just have to stand on it. It just moves really slowly. Which leaves lots of time for scintillating conversation, at which Jason excels. NOT.
He hands Alison his coat and starts pushing the raft with a big wooden stick. Lazy/boring music plays, and Jason giggles at EVERYTHING. He’s also sweating through his shirt (and he’d been wearing a sport-coat). Alison’s wearing a black dress, standing in the sun. I’d have visible sweat running down my face if I were her.
Meanwhile, in Vegas, the exact opposite thing is happening. Paul meets Frank at Freemont street, which is the most happening street in Vegas. I’ve never been to Vegas, but I recognize it for sure. How long does that covered walkway run for? Several blocks?
Anyway, Frank’s idea is for them to do ziplining down the length of the street! Fun! I’ve done THAT (ziplining), just in the woods, through trees. It’s scary and fun. Paul’s a little freaked out, he doesn’t like heights. But he seems up for it. Then Frank will take them to dinner at his favorite spot. Cute, as they’re walking away, Paul has his hand on Frank’s butt.
Then they get strapped up for the zipline thingie. Paul is like “WHOA” at how tightly the harness gets strapped to his junk, and Frank is like, “YAY!” about Paul potentially having big junk (or is he just a baby?). Paul also keeps asking to do shots before they take off. He kinda can’t shut up about it. I can’t read Frank to know how he feels about it all.
“Maybe I’m a drunk!”
He says he’s a little nervous too, but he’s got better composure, I think. Anyway, they take off. Whee! Frank just smiles gamely the whole time, Paul shrieks. Oh, and a cameraman is going down at the same time, a little ahead, catching all the fun. Fun!
Back to the raft. They’re still on it. They finally hit land, and Alison wobbles across a stepping stone to the grassy shore, all on really high heels. Their table is literally ten feet away from the raft landing. It must’ve been excruciating to get there. It’s a sweet idea, but yikes, hire someone to pilot the raft next time. Anyway, Jason gets Alison situated in her chair and then spends some time rolling up his sleeves and otherwise cooling off. Poor guy. At least they’re in the shade now. Wait, he just put his jacket back on?! Alison’s like, “Dummy, don’t put that back on!”
They make some awkward small talk about their drinks, to which Alison says something about lavender repelling insects. Cue the insects pestering the heck outta Jason. Ha! He asks about her heritage. She answers, says a few things about it, then asks him. He says, “German. Yeah.” The yeah wall, oh no. Now, couldn’t SHE speak up a little to try to salvage it? Just tell stories. Do something!
Wow, the editors are just having fun with him now. Alison just told us that he has no game and is shy, so the chemistry is a little lacking. Then we just watch her staring around, bored, and him giggling to himself every time he speaks. Insect sounds, leaves falling in drinks. This date is a disaster. When he asks at the end if she had fun, she keeps looking down at the table when she says, flatly, “Yeah, absolutely.” Ya know, not to be rude. He is beaming, thinking he had a great date! (Insert a few fly swats.)
Okay, phew, back to Vegas. Frank and Paul are at Carluccio’s for dinner. Frank notes that he’s not really a wine guy, but that it’s good wine. Cheers! Paul keeps sipping at it. I keep thinking “Man, Frank’s hair is terrible.” Frank explains how Carluccio’s was the first place he ate when he first came to Vegas. Aww. Paul doesn’t seem to be saying much.
The food comes, and Paul starts to tell a story, but he’s flubbing the intro a bit. Frank jokes for him to have another sip of wine, maybe he’ll remember. Uh oh. His speech is a little slurred in the interview shots, and he’s asking why Frank has more wine than he does. He’s taking LONG sips. Uh oh. Now is this because HE doesn’t like Frank’s hair, or because he was scared from the zipline, or because he’s a drunk, or all three?
This date is officially over, Paul just doesn’t know it yet. He’s ham-fistedly asking Frank where he wants to be in five years. Wow, that’s quite a question for several hours into your first date, drunk. Frank answers, then volleys it back. Paul’s like, “I have no fucking idea.” Frank knows this is all a wash. He shakes Paul’s hand, and the date is now officially over. I think Paul was drinking so much because he didn’t actually want to be with Frank. Bah.
It’s the next day or so, and we’re back at the office. Patti calls Alison first, to find out how their date went. She’s basically like “nice guy, not my type.” Patti asks more about the rigidity, how he made her feel awkward, etc. When he comes in to talk about it, he’s all excited about her, until Patti tells him how Alison actually felt. Bummer, dude. He deflates a bit. “I was just being myself,” he says. Aww. There’s a girl out there for ya, Jason! It just wasn’t her. Patti thinks he needs a bitchy girl to boss him around. Probably!
Then Patti calls Paul, who gives no indication that he was a drunk idiot on the date. He just says he had a nice time, would like to go out with Frank again. Really?! Didn’t seem like it.
Patti then Skypes with Frank, who reveals that Paul totally blew the 2-drink maximum out of the water. “He had, uh, about eight.” Oy vey. He also has no interest in going out with Paul again. Obviously. Patti wishes him luck with finding love in Vegas. (Um, that’s why he came to YOU, dummy! Or, wait, was it to advertise his show? Hmm.)
Captions of Truth, what’s happening? Nothing between Jason and Alison, definitely. And, definitely nothing between Frank and Paul. Right.
Next week looks like a total trainwreck. We have an enormous black guy who loves women who are super pushy, and we have an almost-60 white guy who wants someone younger. A girl fights Patti at the casting session, which prompts Patti to threaten to push her down the stairs. Fun! Come back!