Bienvenidos, ‘Gasmii! Just when I get my schedule used to the ol’ recappin’ routine, Bravo goes and changes it on me. Is it for just this week only or for all time? Who fucking knows! All I know is my DVR has a steaming pile of fresh Millionaire Matchmaker for your asses! Let’s do this thing!
Random intro! This week, we kick things off with a little Patti seminar at the Millionaire’s Club. A Pat-inar. No. A Stanger-inar. Maybe. Well, actually, no again. Whatever, Patti and her yucky extensions are teaching some of the mixer girls how to do the “Five-Second Flirt.” You know, a nonverbal cue to some hottie that you want to get it on. Or talk. Whatever. Patti pulls one of the blondes from a previous episode to have her demonstrate her Five-Second Flirt. She giggles and looks anywhere but at the guy she’s supposed to flirt with. Patti’s like, “No. Watch.” And throws Destin a come hither look that’s almost uncomfortable. Destin’s interested reaction is funny and a little creepy, if we’re being honest. Everyone claps for Patti’s amazing performance, and then the blonde is told to try again. She plays with her hair and looks away again, but it’s less awkward and comes off like a flirt. So, there ya go. A big paragraph about looking at someone for five seconds.
Credits finished, Patti trudges into the office and throws her phone or something on her desk. Rachel’s all, “What’s wrong??” Patti mopes about chivalry being dead. She mentions her broken engagement and how she’s been back in the dating pool, trying to find someone who’s not an asshole. (It’s tough.) Rachel and Destin give her a pep talk, reminding her that she’s got a leg up on lots of people who don’t know what they want—but the trade-off is that it might take a little longer to find it. I know this phenomenon quite well, as I’ve lived and breathed it. It’s worth the wait (though I’m glad I wasn’t out there at Patti’s age, yikes).
Well, enough negativity. (Don’t you agree, it’s rare to see Patti kinda down like that?) Rachel’s got someone for Patti to fix up! And it’s Denise Richards’ father, Irv! Patti humblebrags about having wanted to set him up with someone for forever. And then she mentions how he’s a widower, and Rachel’s like, “Yeah, I already knew that, and I already knew that he lost his wife to cancer.” Not quite in those words, but that’s how I heard it. Weird.
We watch Irv’s brief introduction video. He says he’s 62, and I have to say, he seems like an older 62. Not an unhandsome man by any means, and not a gross old man, just…not as well-preserved as some other 60-somethings I know. But, oh shit, shut up Panda, cuz this guy is a sweetheart. He says he was married to his soulmate for 37 years and lost her, and it took him about three years to heal. Poor guy. But he’s actually doing okay now—he’s got a celebrity crush! Felicity Huffman! (I was cringing, waiting for him to mention some young girl his daughter’s age.) He thinks she looks like a princess but also appreciates that she’s the soul of a sailor and a mouth to match. I tear up a little (no joke) when he says he hopes he can find a second soulmate. Awwww. (Panda, he’s just doing it for publicity. Not love. Remember that. Don’t cry! Ice cold!)
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