Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Alpha Beta Shonda

Bonjour, ‘Gasmii! It’s that time again! Already! I just got done sobbing into my pillow about how sweet Irv Richards was, and now I have to empathize with two other saps as they deal with our Millionaire Matchmaker!

Our random intro this week is a little introduction to Master Sin Pfaff. He’s a cute kid, playing with rubber bands and cups and whatnot on the office floor whilst Mummy and Duddy try to work. Destin jokingly asks his little boss if he can take a lunch break, which is when Patti arrives in a whoosh of fake surprise. “Oh!!! I’m perfectly made up and styled, and there’s a little boy at my desk.” It’d be a hoot if she gave Sin a mixer. Anyway, Destin coaches Sin to fire Patti and give him a raise, which is pretty cute.

START THE SHOW.

This week, we have two millionairesses. My spellcheck HATES this word, and so does Patti. She hates these rich broads because they “have a laundry list down to here, they don’t know what they want…” Well, wait a second. How can they have a large list of things they want…and not know what they want? I actually know what she means, I just like to be a big ol’ bitch. Patti complains that the rich women complain constantly, too.

Patti resigns herself to dealing with these two millionairesses this week, asking Destin about the first one. He explains that she’s a fitness model but won an Arnold Schwarzenegger contest or something. Patti automatically assumes she’s totally manly, which makes sense when you hear “Schwarzenegger.” I don’t hear Schwarzenegger a lot (and I don’t type it a whole lot either, which is screwing up my writing mojo right now), but when I do, I think “super jacked up muscles.”

Shonda is so NOT the super jacked-up muscle type, though! She’s a svelte black woman with a very open demeanor and a bangin’ body. Women who lift weights only get to be manly looking if they supplement with men’s hormones. Shonda looks awesome. She’s the founder of a website dedicated to women’s weight lifting/physique competition bikinis, which is so niche, she must be rich. Man, I wish those two words rhymed.

Shonda’s been relationship shy ever since a very long-term relationship ended with the dude cheating. Dude, that sucks. She’s been single ever since ( 6 years) and is ready to find someone great. But her idea of great is Donald Trump. I’m not kidding. She likes brave, assertive men who go out of their way to take care of women. (Not quite what I think of when I think of Donald Trump, but okay.)

Sexy.