Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Alpha Beta Shonda

She also loves Kevin Costner because he was Whitney Houston’s savior in Bodyguard. WHAT?! This woman is deep into a case of arrested development. I remember The Bodyguard, and I remember thinking it was romantic, sure. But I was in high school and didn’t know better. Shonda’s not THAT much older than me, so this sets her development at around 22 years old.

Patti’s horrified. “Dances with Wolves and the Apprentice??” She, Destin, and Rachel decide that Shonda’s fatal flaw is her sense of hero worship. Patti helpfully explains that it’s not a physical type that Shonda seeks, it’s more a mental type. She’s going to fall hard for any guy who fights for her or her honor, since that means he cares. And that, my friends, is a romance novel way of going about your love life. No wonder she needs help.

Rachel sets up Millionairess Numero Dos for Patti, a woman named Angela who was married for ten years. Rachel also drops the ex-bomb, which is that Angela’s ex agreed to be a part of Angela’s interview. 

Anyway, we get a brief intro to Angela, and I do a brief Google search. Wait a second, this chick (who already said she writes a lifestyle blog “Essentially Angela”) runs a dating makeover business? This is from Huffington Post: “Angela appeared as a Dating Coach on MTV’s Made on January 5th, 2013 and she can be seen on Bravo’s hit show, Millionaire Matchmaker in February 2013.

Crafting personal dating makeovers for her clients, Angela also maintains a private practice, which turns the romantically challenged into the relationship-inclined.”

So WHY THE FUCK is she here? Oh, getting some publicity? Awesome. Well, let’s not pay too much attention to the matchmaking going on here. It’s all shenanigans. It always is, but today is too much. I’m officially jaded. I believed in Irv, and now I’m totally spent.

(Also, that “lifestyle blog” she writes? It’s now subtitled something with about her being a “Dating Guru.” FYI. Ugh.)

I always enjoy when Patti breaks into accents and impressions. And by ‘always,’ I mean rarely. But today’s one I enjoy, when she learns that Angela lives in Boca Raton. “Oh, she’s a Boca babe! Hello, hello, hello!” and Destin just keeps saying, “BOCA” in a weird voice. Fun.

Angela made money in the 90s in the mortgage industry, and now she does the blogging thing. She makes sure we know that she’s very independent, intense, and scary. She likes powerful men (doesn’t care so much about looks…she says, but I bet she cares a LITTLE bit!), and her celebrity crush is—folks, two weeks in a row, the celebrity crush is fucking ARI GOLD. 

Also, and this recap ain’t about me, but this woman is one year older than me. One year. And she looks ten years older than I do. And I’m not baby-faced. She’s just not aging all that well. I’m kinda agog at it, honestly. When women say they’re in their late 30s, it still seems like an age bracket that’s far away. But, for me, it’s really not. Sorry, little solipsistic moment there.