Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Alpha Beta Shonda

Recaps

By SexyPanda | Thursday, February 7, 2013 | 7:38 pm | 5 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Millionaire Matchmaker, Recaps

Thanks for hiding that bulge.

John is a British guy, which Patti susses out by his accent. Of course, she likes to pretend she can do a British accent, too, asking John what he does for a living in her awful barely-Brit speak. John was a ship’s captain in the British Navy and now lectures on shipping law, which is a really unique job, don’t you think? He’s tall and kinda dapper and seems smart/friendly/funny. Patti likes him for Shonda.

They chat with one guy who seems like a fine, nice guy, but he is not a Donald Trump type. Patti asks him to confirm that he’s not a Donald Trump, and he agrees. Moving on.

Not Donald Trump

I don’t understand what’s happening when one older white guy starts doing weird dance moves all of a sudden, which amuses everyone until he starts pulling out random air-humping, to which Patti says, “no” and that guy is OFF the screen.

Next is a fairly short guy who seems nice and regular. Greg is trying not to laugh as this guy tries to sell Greg on why he is a good match for Angela. He’s a little mealy-mouthed and nerdy, not an alpha male in the least. Patti tells him she’s looking for a shark for Angela, and this guy’s a dolphin. Nay, a guppy. I LOL, even though I saw this bit a few times in the promos already. It’s funny!

Dolphin

One guy’s talking up his day trading money, then talking about how he works with kids in some acting camp or something. He’s got slightly bulgy eyes, though, and Patti doesn’t like him for some reason, so she calls him Lord of the Rings. He stops talking and goes, “Wow…” Yeah, wow. (He DOES look like Smeagol.)

See?

Okay, no, not even close. Sorry, guy, whoever you are.

Patti likes this bearded gent who’s a personal trainer/massage therapist. She keeps referring to him as the “hot guy” for her test, and it’s silly. He’s not hot. He’s attractive, sure, but not a hot guy.

OH MY GOD, then she explains why women like hot men (a-DOY), letting everyone know that women get “greasy goosey-goosey down there.” I just felt vomit at the back of my throat. I do not EVER want anyone, ever, to refer to my hoo-hoo as “greasy.” That’s just vile.

Then there’s this cocky prick dude who looks like Angela’s ex minus half a tube of hair gel. Seriously, they look like brothers. And he’s an asshole. He sells wholesale cars to dealerships or something, claims to live in Malibu, is wearing a shiny purple dress shirt under his suit with a cashmere (?) scarf. It’s LA, lose the stupid scarf. (Wait, it’s LA, that’s why it’s there.)

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About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

5 Comments

  1. 1
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    @Sexy Panda You should get a special award for staying awake through this episode.

    I totally cosign Shonda for Irv though. In case that nervous blonde headed lady he got doesn’t work out.

    I thought I’d like the new 1 nice person – 1 asshat contrast and compare format a lot more than I’m turning out to. They should go back to the original formula of just rich douches that are too busy making $ to call the escort svc to get an order of ho. That Patti does best. Plus made her rich and famous.

  2. 2
    MsMmm msmmm
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 8:16 am

    If anyone does actually watch this show (or read your awesome recaps), WHY would they turn to Angela for dating help? If anything, she gave herself and her so called expertise a bad review since she had to go to someone else for dating advice. When Patty needed help SHE WENT TO HER OWN COMPANY! Duh!

  3. 3
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted February 10, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Little Sin’s parents realize that if he ever gets into major trouble, it’s their fault. They named him Sin….

    But he is adorable.

  4. 4
    Robin Robin
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    I saw the previews for another episode of this show.

    Patty exclaims that it is the tongue that does the trick and not what you think. BULLSHIT.

    She is selling rich men to chicks that want money. Unless they keep their wallet under their tongue, it don’t mean a thing.

    Robin

  5. 5
    DJ
    Posted February 12, 2013 at 8:09 am

    @Robin – Actually, the rich men are buying “chicks that want money”.

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