Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Alpha Beta Shonda

Okay, so what about men for Shonda?? Well, we talk to a guy whose tongue is too thick for his mouth. And his hairline is very low on his head. My husband says it’s proceeding…ya know, opposite of receding? Did I spell it right? Shit. Anyway, he seems to be a dip, but somehow he gets chosen.

Who wears sweatpants to this shit?  oh wait, I think they’re just enormous chinos. Still!

They seem to be wrapping things up, but wait, there are only two guys for Shonda so far. Patti turns to Greg and asks him to be their third for Shonda. “She’s a bikini model,” taunts Patti. Destin pretends to be surprised by this turn of events, eyebrows raised to the heavens. “Yes! Wow, yes, that is a fine idea!” Greg agrees.

Before we get to this dinner mixer thang, the girls get to meet with Dr. Pat Allen, my favorite Three-Hole Granny!!! (A few seasons ago, Dr. Allen was explaining a sex concept to someone who didn’t get it right away, so she explained what the three sex holes were. I love her!!!)

Now, this session betwixt Dr. Allen and the girls is totally crazy, mostly because I think it probably went on for a while and was edited within an inch of its life. And Shonda and Angela are SO different, too. Angela’s here for pure publicity, and Shonda is too but maybe actually wants real advice. (I just had a lightbulb moment—Shonda and Irv?? Anyone agree?)

Shonda’s talking about trust, which is her big issue, having been cheated on. Dr. Allen shrieks, “TRUST?!” and then advises the women to not trust anyone “for a year.” HA! So Shonda takes another tack, talking about being guarded. Dr. Allen’s fine with that. This woman is full of sound-bites, and this whole segment is edited to show that, it just don’t make no sense. Dr. Allen advises them to keep their legs closed, to not give sex away on the first date, etc. Shonda is nodding genuinely and Angela’s taking notes for her next dating guru article.

I DO love when Dr. Allen tells Angela to cool it with the alpha shit, because “pilot and pilot don’t fly the plane.” Amen! She also wisely advises the women to let their eyes pick the body (of the man they want to date), because if you don’t have chemistry, compatibility ain’t worth shit.

Ugh, guys, I’m running out of steam on this show. It’s just not been so good this season, am I right? Like, we need earnest folks or we need total trainwrecks. This in-between area is no bueno. I’m falling asleep every week! I don’t got no jokes!

Sigh.