Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Cruz on By…

“Are you freakin’ kidding me?  Another episode?”

Oh, ‘Gasmii.  It’s time for the Millionaire Matchmaker stuff we love so much. Okay, maybe “love” is a little much.  Like a lot?  Used to like but are now kinda “eh” about? Yeah, that sounds more like it. Well, here you are, you might as well read the recap, right?

We open at some menswear shop, where Destin and his kid, Sin Halo, are getting fitted for tuxes for the big Destin/Rachel wedding. Sin Halo is apparently the best man. Right, that’s appropriate. He’s a really cute kid, though, and Destin looks like a really involved Dad. So that’s cool.

Let’s get to the millionaires already!

Destin and Rachel are primly sitting at their Sushi Girl laptops when Patti sashays in, all Sensa’d up. They’re like, “We have brothers for you.”  Patti immediately gets a “who farted?” face about that. She wants to know how old they are, and if they’re really millionaires.  “Brothers are different,” she says. The only ones she’s worked with are the Manzo brothers, last season. (And creepy duck fetus Dave had a brother whom we met, but he wasn’t matched up at all.)

So, these brothers sound like a real prize. They’re making money because of a clothing line they started? Meanwhile, the older brother (Abe) went to jail for transporting cocaine across state lines. (Is that even a law?  About state lines? It’s illegal everywhere, right, so who gives a fuck about state lines?  This sounds like a movie from the 1950s. Or a Great White song.)  But it’s weird, because Rachel prefaces it with some story about him dating a girl who blackmailed him into “paying” for her or something. Like, SHE made him do the coke thing?  I don’t really care.

The other brother doesn’t really have a story. He’s fine. So, it’s just brothers who are very, as Destin puts it, “Night at the Roxbury,” very into their muscles. You’re waiting for the endless “Hans and Franz” references like I am, right?  (And when I say “waiting for,” I mean “dreading.”)

DVD time. We meet Abe first. He’s the one they keep showing on the ads, who smiles the entire time he’s speaking and looks like he could stand to suck back his drool more often. He’s also the jailbird.  He talks about how he and his brother dress the same, eat the same, do the same stuff. Cue the “Hans and Franz”!  (H&F count =1.)

Jailbird on the right.

Abe’s story is that the girlfriend wanted a lifestyle he couldn’t afford, so he got into some shady shit to try to make extra cash. Hence the jail term. He says he’d prefer to be poor and free, living in the streets, than to be in jail, wealthy for the wrong reasons.  (And there he goes, obviously sucking back spit because human lips weren’t meant to contain saliva during an extended smiling-while-you-talk session.)  He started designing clothes while in jail, the “Forever Faith” line. Ugh. It’s the poor-man’s equally awful Ed Hardy, with fewer skulls and roses.

Younger brother Dave is definitely more attractive. But poor sad sack, his wife cheated on him only four months into their marriage. Yuck!  His eyebrows move too much when he talks, and he sounds scripted. He’s got a weird Valley-girl/Hispanic man hybrid accent and maybe he’s sucking back spit while he talks too.

Patti’s on her way to the Cruz house to meet the brothers. (H&F count = 2.)  When she gets there, she puts up this gruff exterior. It’s okay, Abe will smile enough for the both of you. She asks if this will be weird for them, to date together.  In fact, have they dated together before?  They’re kinda like, “Yeah, duh.”  But then Patti’s like, “Do you EVER separate?!”  (They live together.)  Stunned smiles.

“It’s impossible to separate!”

Patti asks to speak to each of ‘em separately, so she pulls Dave aside first.  That’s when we get his extended intro. You know, the usual shit of them, like, shooting pool, taking off in a fast car, and laughing fakely with their friends over drinks.  Oh, he owns four homes?  Really?  Why?  (One is in Oklahoma?) We get to watch him work out, with Abe, of course. They’ve done amateur bodybuilding, you know. Right.

That’s the Forever Faith logo right there. I think I drew stuff like that on my English class notebook back in the day.

Patti wants to know more about the cheating in the marriage.  Basically, they moved in together within A WEEK of dating, dated for four years, and decided to get married. Then four months later, he caught her cheating. Gave her a second chance, but four months later, caught her cheating again (same dude).  So anyway, he’s got some work to do inside to overcome all this betrayal. Patti understands—she’s been cheated on too.

So, David likes Jennifer Aniston and Kate Middleton. Patti’s eyebrows could not raise higher. Beyond that, he wants a girl with a good heart.

Then Patti sits with Abe. His voice is really high-pitched and his orangey highlights/front swoop aren’t doing him any favors.  (Watch, by the end of the recap, I’ll think he’s a sweetheart and will feel bad for ragging on all these things.  … NAH.)  Patti tries to suss out the whole “loved a girl so much he ran coke for her” thing, but she’s a little aggressive about it. (Patti?  NO!)  Abe feels a little taken aback, but prison’s taught him humility, so he just rolls with it.

Honestly, I will bash this guy in this recap, but I wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley.

Celebrity crush for Abe?  Kim Kardashian or Megan Fox. And she should be really outgoing and easy to talk to. Why love now?  Because he was in fucking jail for three years, Patti. Why do you think?  (Abe answers that he’s “behind schedule” with getting married and starting a family.) Patti uses her favorite phrase, about Abe’s picker (pecker) being mis-calibrated, so she’ll get that fixed and the right girl will fall into place.

By the way, I think it’s creepy how Dave said in his extended intro that HE is worth $3.5 mil, but Abe said THEY were worth $3.5 mil. And apparently THEY own those four homes. But only Dave owns the sportiest car. Abe likes the white old man sedan.  (Was it a Rolls or a Bentley?) Interesting, though, right? Dave is selfish!

Oh yay, time to find dates for these bozos! For Dave, we want girl-next-door types, and for Abe, we need a curvy brunette who can handle that he was in jail. (And there’s a healthy discussion about that disclosure…being protective of the girls but being sensitive to Abe and his dating success.)

Well, it’s not all that interesting in this week’s casting session. Or maybe I’m just really tired tonight. There are some nice girls that they’re picking for the guys, not a lot of trainwrecks.

Oh wait, here’s one. Her name is Trisha, and she’s a computer programmer dressed up as Elle Woods’ big fat sister. Like, enormous magnolia blossom pinned behind her ear. She would probably be really cute and not look so chubby without all the pink and makeup and blonde hair. I don’t even know that she’s actually chubby, come to think of it. She has a full face. Anyway, her headshot is gorgeous, and in person, not so much. She seems sweet, though. She really likes pink.

REALLY likes it.

Some more women. One was formerly cheated on and likes to run, so clearly she’s a perfect match for Dave. Then there’s some girl who’s in sales at LA Fitness who loves wearing workout clothes. Okay, obviously a perfect fit! (I just joined LA Fitness. I really wish they’d put some more fucking TV’s near the cardio equipment. I ended up looking out the window and counting cars in the Chick-Fil-A drive-through this afternoon during my workout. I was mostly trying to figure out how there are two lanes to order your food but only one to pick it up.)

Anyway.

Oh, then Patti needs to do her stupid test. HER STUPID TEST!  There’s some girl who’s very blond with big stupid pink lips. She works in Vegas, but she’d said she was “Christian Christian.”  Patti wants to know more. It means she went to a Christian preschool?  And doesn’t go to church regularly now, cuz she’s a ho?  That’s what it means.  Anyway, she’s perfect to test Dave. I hate it when Patti tests ‘em.

Time for the mixer! Is this the first time Patti’s told the women they are NOT to slip their number to any of the millionaires (“no one wants sloppy seconds!”)?  I bet it’s because one of them does it. Yay! Drama! (Update:  No one does it (that we see).)

Patti brings out the brothers, who just plain ol’ look like chumps. Especially Abe in his “Forever Faith” SPORT COAT.  It’s ridiculous. Bravo didn’t give me a photo of it for you,  which is probably for the best.

And they mix!  Annah (I think that’s how you spell it? I don’t really care, I just know it’s not something as simple and classy as “Anna”), the test, approaches both brothers. When Abe asks her if she’s active, she says, “Yes, I am a cocktail waitress and spokesmodel.”  A spokesmodel for Mensa, clearly. The good news is that Abe passed the test. He said, “That’s my past.”  Good boy.

Yuck, when Abe’s talking to the women, he talks about massages. Never talk to women about massages unless you’re past the fifth date. It’s just gross. Then he says, “I’m sure you ladies know how to take care of yourself.” Is he talking about masturbation?!  Jesus, Abe!  Get a hold of yourself!  Wait, don’t!

Time for the mini-dates.  Abe’s first mini-date is with Christina, a sweet brunette who teaches swimming to little kids.  She talks about surfing, and Abe seems interested.  But here’s the classic “didn’t take the bait” trick to show you’re not interested, coming from Christina. Abe says, “How do you find someone to show you how?”  Christina, who surfs every morning, says, “You just rent a board.”  NOT interested! If she were, she’d bat her eyelashes and suggest she give him a lesson.

Dave meets with Ayla, and they seem to have a bit better chemistry. It helps that Dave is way more attractive than his brother. They have a good chat, too, talking about high school sports and enjoying eating.  Ayla really needs to blink, though.

Tiffany and Abe seem to do a little better on the mini-date, mostly because Tiffany seems pretty easy to talk to. I’m sure she does well enough on her own, why is she on this show? Oh, to get her business out there?  Yup. Oh, ick, they’re flirting by him guessing her age at mid-twenties. (It’s obviously not mid-twenties.)

Courtney, the LA Fitness girl, gets a mini-date with Dave. They talk about working out. She is really pretty!  Dave even says so, asking if she’s into acting or modeling, and she’s like, “No, but I wouldn’t say no.”  She really should get asked to do it, and she should say yes!

Who gets a master date? Abe chose Tiffany, and Dave chose Ayla.  Let’s get to the dates!

The “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week is just terrible. It’s basically an extreme close-up of Patti calling the guys and giving them dating advice.  That’s it. These segments are supposed to be funny or strange!  Also, Patti’s chin skin was really freaking me out! Did she have stubble?

Anyway, seriously, let’s get to the dates. The brothers are hanging out in the parking lot at the Santa Monica pier, talking about what exercises they want their dates to start off with first. What?  They’re dressed up all in workout gear. Here comes a limo!  And Ayla pops out, wearing a pretty dress and heels. Yep, time for a good workout! Tiffany arrives in another limo, wearing a cool Missoni-looking dress and over-the-knee red suede boots. Hot!

“Looks like I’m under-dressed!”

“And you guys are crazy!”

The girls have workout gear with them, naturally, so they get changed and come out to greet the guys. Tiffany just got done teaching two classes at her gym, so she’s already pretty wiped out. Well, hop on the squat machine and pump out a few reps, girl! Abe’s coaching her form and whatnot. Fuck you, Abe.

Dave and Ayla are having a more natural date at the gym, if that’s even possible. Like, he’s not coaching her form, he’s just working out with her and touching her and smiling a lot.  He assists in a pull-up, but that’s so he can touch her ass.  That’s fine.

The definition of “good sports”

Nothing like a close-up and creepy view of a girl doing V-sits to make her feel romantic and sexy!

“Later, I plan to take that sweatband off using only my penis.” “Sounds good!”

It looks to me like Tiffany is just humoring Abe and his obsessive need to work out on a date.  He says he’s looking for an excuse to get close and touch, but he doesn’t want to be a creeper about it. Oh, so that’s why you’re all business, then. So romantic. Then Tiffany starts giving HIM some pointers to improve his form (you know, since she owns a fitness studio and all), and he’s taken aback by it. Like, he’s supposed to tell HER what to do. He really said this, peeps. Tiffany is thrilled to show Abe a thing or two. I like Tiffany. And I want to borrow those boots she was wearing.

Helping Abe with his form. He needs more help than this, amiright?

The double date is over, and now the girls can get into ANOTHER (different) pretty dress for the dinner dates.  Separate dinner dates, mind you.

Dave and Ayla are first. They’re both nervous, aww. He orders the fish for her, like a big Cro-Magnon man. Don’t worry, she liked that he did that! Oh, then he asks if she minds if they pray before dinner!  She doesn’t mind!  Wow, wrap her up and take her home, Dave. She’s the one. Gag. (Oh, big ol’ kiss at the dinner table!)

Haha, it almost looks like SHE gave HIM the flowers.

Time to check on Tiffany and Abe. They’re at a sushi place. Tiffany asks about the clothing line, and since that was conceived while in prison, it’s the perfect time to talk about it. Patti already warned the girl, which is great, but still, it’s gotta be tough to talk about.

Wow, too much spray tan on Abe.

As they keep talking, I’m Googling “Forever Faith” to see what this stuff is.  Ya know, besides what we’ve already seen the brothers wearing. Oh, this phrase is all over the place, “If you don’t believe in your self, no one else will.”  “Yourself”as two words is making my stomach hurt. They’re fond of the number “777”, whatever that means, and they even use it in their pricing!  You can buy a Forever Faith jog bra for $57.77. That better be a good mother-fucking boulder holder for almost $60.  Wow.

Oh, here we go. Abe asking Tiffany to go hot tubbing on the first date.  I appreciate his gall in doing so, but it’s too much, Abe. Too much. Tiffany reacts pretty well to it, nodding and such. But she says, “oh, I’m pretty tired, let’s just enjoy dinner and see how it goes.”  Good one, Tiff!

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

So, dinner goes on, but the bubble’s been burst a little, I think.  Tiffany’s probably dreading the end of dinner a bit, because she’ll have to do the whole, “oh, I’m tired,” thing again. Cuz you know Abe’s going to ask again!  So, whaddaya know, he asks again, but says, “You said you have an early morning tomorrow?”  Hahahahaha.  Classic, I love this Tiffany chick! (Oh, then she kisses him on the cheek and says, “It was so nice hanging out with you.”  You’re done, it’s over, Abe.)

Patti calls the girls to get the scoop. Ayla’s gushing, but Tiffany’s like, “Ew, hot tub request.”  Patti’s annoyed with Abe for being a pig.

The guys come in, Abe bearing a beautiful arrangement of flowers for Patti. “Aw, they’re beautiful, now I can’t yell at you.”  She’s proud of Dave, he had a great date.  As for Abe, she pounces on the hot tub thing (at which he looks surprised). He needs help, and he really doesn’t even know it.  Yikes. I’m sure some bimbette will be impressed with his biceps and will get in that hot tub on the first date, and he won’t HAVE to work on his woman skills.

Does he ever NOT smile?

DAP.

Derp, you sucked.

Captions of Truth! Abe and Tiffany didn’t have another date—shocker!  Aww, it says Dave and Ayla are still dating, and they’re in love!  (I wonder if that’s true!)

Sorry for the crabby ‘tude this week. I’m just not feelin’ it. This show didn’t get renewed, did it?

Next week: There’s a really young trust fund kid who doesn’t need Patti’s help but will probably make for good TV. And Jenny McCarthy comes in to offer advice or something. I don’t really know, the DVR cut off at that point.  It’ll be a mystery that we’ll reveal together next week!  Come back!