Hola, ‘Gasmii! I’m back from Mexico, where I actually said “hola” about 25 times a day. I also had about 25 drinks per day, which was fucking awesome. Unfortunately, there was no Bravo channel at our resort, though I wasn’t about to tear myself away from honeymoonin’ even if there were. Thanks so much to Eyediosmio for an awesome recap last week in my absence! (By the way, until very recently, I would mistakenly say, “Aye Mee-yos Dee-yo” because I know very little Spanish and was simply echoing a phrase I’d heard before. Echoing WRONG.)
This is what you get when you Google image search “ay dios mio”. Why is Jason Statham in there??
I like the one on the bottom right.
Ugh, shut up and recap the show, you schmuck! Okay! It’s Millionaire Matchmaker time!
You know the deal, the show opens on a random note every week. This week, it’s Destin getting a spray tan. Rachel and Patti are shit-talking how he’s making them look bad. (Um, how does THAT work?) Cut to Destin in a black wife beater (such things exist? Does he shop at Goth-Mart?), plopping a sunny yellow shower cap on his head. Don’t want that black pomp to get tan, now, do we? He looks miserable, like a cat getting a bath. But Rachel and Patti are so proud, showing off his silly tan lines. I don’t really get it, considering we usually only see Destin in a suit, and also WHO CARES, but there we go. (Also, those close-ups of Rachel’s face are HARSH, yo.)
Keep working on it, please.
We come back from the credits to Rachel and Destin checking out their wedding photos on a big ol’ TV. Except they’re controlling the TV with an iPad. You can do that?! I feel so old. There are a bunch of really cute photos of their son, Sin, who’s lucky to be born to a family that ultimately has a bunch of money because he’s going to need therapy and private schools. I can’t see that kid doing well in public school at ALL. They’re mocking Destin’s crazy Static X mohawk as Patti swoops in.
Patti’s all business, of course, leaping right into this week’s bachelors. Destin starts off with his jimmy –I mean Jim—a bazillionaire entertainment producer who comes across like a total douche. Like, he looks kinda mean, talks all about his cars and his money, more about his business, blah blah blah. “He leads with his money,” Patti astutely observes. Destin clarifies that he leads with his money but likes to SAY he doesn’t actually do that. Once she confirms that Jim’s a Capricorn, Patti instantly understands all about this guy. Of course.
For some reason, Patti’s extra-dramatic when she asks who Jim’s celebrity crush is. Like, hands out in a “WHOA” motion. I wish we knew what she was reacting to. Actually, I don’t, because then it wouldn’t be ridiculous, and you know I love ridiculous. Anyway, his celebrity crush is Charlize Theron, of course. And of course they’re all like, “Ew, you’re chubby, you can’t get tall blondes with nice bodies.” Rude. Also, with a billion dollars net worth, he CAN! Oh, but he lost half of everything in his divorce, because he didn’t do a prenup. Wow. Patti’s shocked at his poor judgment.