Hey there, ‘Gasmii! It’s time for the finale of the fifth season of Millionaire Matchmaker! Patti’s chewed through a few interns and assistant VPs, but Rachel and Destin have stayed the course. And now? Now it’s time for Patti herself to become the millionaire getting dates. The tables have turned.
First, apologies for this recap being so late!! The phrase of the day on Black Friday was “technical difficulties.” I lost an hour of my day getting a dead car battery replaced (on the street! thanks, AAA), and when I finally sat down to write, I discovered that neither of my DVRs had recorded the show! Bravo didn’t have it. Hulu didn’t have it. What the eff?! I set up a recording for the rerun late Friday night, knowing I wouldn’t get to write til Sunday. Oh, and then those technical difficulties struck again! Kabletown has totally fucked up our internet at home. It’s like the dark ages. Can’t even email Flipit to warn him of how terrible a recapper I really am this week! Tears!
So here I am, a week late. Please forgive me.
Enough of the excuses, let’s get to the recap!
Our cold intro this week is a reminder of Patti’s love life up until present day, through the eyes of the psychic that’s been advising Patti all along. Remember how we spent Season 3 helping Patti plan her wedding? And the psychic said, “Only put a deposit on the dress…”? Yikes. Now Patti wants this psychic’s take on when she’ll meet her soulmate, who is he and where is he. The psychic’s main piece of advice is for Patti to be more vulnerable. Good advice for anyone, really. It’s hard to fall in love with a wall.
“And what does the universe say about fire crotch bitches?”
Patti heads into the office like usual, dressed in a too-short leopard print dress and tan knee-high boots. She looks good for her age, but I think she needs a regular spray tan on her legs. I say that as someone who’d look like Squidward when he eats too many Krabby Patties (“They’ll go to your thighs!”) if I were on TV. Seriously, though, get a tan. “Mama wants a mixer.”
“Mama wants a mixer.”
Destin and Rachel are so ready to help. They look a little nervous, of course, but I think they’re up to the task. They just ask a few times to make sure Patti is ready to relinquish control a little, ready to listen to their advice. She hesitates but agrees to listen. Her one condition is that her manager/friend Jeff and her long-time friend Rose get to help choose the guys. “But we’re the matchmakers, we decide,” Rachel warns. Absolutely. When Patti walks out, Destin’s got his head in his hands.
Destin and Rachel arrange to have Jeff and Rose join them for drinks at some swanky outdoor bar with a cool outdoor fireplace that I want so badly for my own backyard. It’s the classic client meeting, the one where Patti asks “Why love now?” and “who’s your celebrity crush?”. Only they get to ask this of PATTI. Fun!
Patti comes in and pretends like this is all new to her. “How does this work?!” She bats her eyelashes. And then we get a montage of Patti’s aggressive questioning of other millionaires. Oh, I hope Destin asks her asshole questions! I know he won’t, but a girl can hope!
Patti’s manager/friend Jeff is like, “OH THANK GOD” about being asked to help find Patti a man. I guess Patti’s been treating Jeff as a surrogate boyfriend for a while now, calling and texting constantly. He needs a break. But he DOES know what she wants, so he’s happy to help.
So, Patti, why love now? Because she’s ready to get married. That’s sweet. Then she continues, “I have nothing but money, my business is booming, I lost weight, I got in shape, and I need sex.” Oh, that. Who’s her celebrity crush? A 6’3” Matthew McConahey. Sure, sure. She won’t turn down a hot brunette with green eyes, though. She’s not that superficial. (Oh, but she is! At least as a matchmaker!)
Age-wise, guys in their 40s are best, though a young-looking, muscle-bound 50-something isn’t off course. And it’s all the better if he’s divorced, because that means he was able to commit. (Something I always said.) She’d love to be a stepmom, adopt, and/or have kids of her own, if she could. I think she’s kinda pushing it, age-wise, but maybe that’s where her suggestion to old Peter Brady last week about surrogacy comes into play?
Rose asks if Patti will settle for a less-than-awesome guy, and Patti ‘s like, “Nope, did that already.” She needs that chemistry, and that chemistry isn’t about how he looks, it’s about how they feel when they kiss. So true.
All in all, Patti’s having a hard time letting go of control, letting Destin and Rachel take care of the matching for her. She kinda wants to do it herself. But I guess she’s learning from all those clients of hers before her, that sometimes your picker needs a little adjustment. Maybe her penis will do better picking from now on.
Oh, this first client interview is still going? Okay, Patti, what are your five non-negotiables? She needs someone with a good heart; someone chivalrous; someone funny; someone good in bed; and, finally, someone generous (financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc). She knows herself pretty well, which means she also has a great idea of what she really wants. Easy peasy.
Time to find some guys for Patti! Destin’s looking for tall, rugged men who will sweep Patti off her feet with chemistry. He says more words about it all, but that’s really the gist.
(After all these years, can I just say that Destin’s getting really bad with his fake-charm speak with people? Like when Mara brings in the first batch of guys, and he’s like, “Okay, thank you SO much.” It’s pretty bad lately.)
So, what kind of guys are we talking to? Some duds include a lawyer/financial guy with a face Patti won’t love, who put down too young of an age range for women he’d be interested in dating. As in, no go for Patti. Then there’s a comedian who I would swear is totally gay, but he’s probably just being a showman. He does a Duane from What’s Happening!!! “hey hey hey” that blows Rachel off her chair (almost). It was too much. They also didn’t like that he had a zillion jobs (“how do you have time to date?”) but said, “I barely work.” Yes, that’s exactly the type of guy Patti wants.
Feminine energy. Sorry, guy.
Then some bohunk of a dude (non-oily) arrives. He’s okay looking, I guess, but Destin’s blown away with this guy’s looks. Calls him a fine looking specimen or something. The others agree, but then Rose tells him to ditch the old-guy shoes and the pocket square. Looks like his pants have a hem? Lose those, too. Otherwise, this guy is a go because he’s divorced and has two kids. Patti will love him.
Low-rent Pierce Brosnan
They talk to a bunch of other guys. Most of them are handsome enough, and they mostly pass the tests about being spiritual, age-appropriate, etc. One guy’s pretty young, so he’s a no. Another guy is a little Rod Stewart androgynous, and he’s a no. Destin reflects that the casting session has been very smooth since Patti’s not involved. Cue montage of Patti being a dick.
Some blonde guy with a soul patch seems to have won the hearts of the judges. He’s divorced, has two kids, has a good, stable job. He’s in. Another guy is a firefighter, and apparently that’s enough to get him through to the mixer. Oh, but he’s gotta show off his shaved chest, first. Amazing they don’t ask the women to take of THEIR tops at these things, right?
It also amuses me to watch this show on reruns, knowing who’s involved later in the master dates, watching those people as other people in their group of three are interviewed/harassed. One of Patti’s later dates is looking on nervously as the firefighter takes off his shirt. Love it.
Speaking of, that guy is a total yes with the selection committee. He’s a former cop, loves to surf, is divorced/with kids, works on classic cars, and is a handsome guy for his age. He’s definitely in.
Can you smell the intensity?
Some “Robert Redford” guy walks in (who is totally hideous to me, but I don’t like older men with big jowls), and it turns out he’d already been on some dates with Rose! So he’s a no!
Dude on the right. Ick.
Then there’s some guy who’s a personal trainer with a weird way of moving his mouth. He’s open to adoption if the lady in his life can’t have kids, AND he talks of enjoying preparing and eating food. I cringe a little at his N’orleans accent/routine when he talks about his chicken recipe and write him off. But the judges love him, he’s in.
Dude in the middle. Not my type.
Mixer time! Patti’s looking lovely in a deep fuschia dress. Legs look more tan, thank you for listening to me. Her hair is long and soft-looking. (To the commenter(s) who’ve wondered why there’s the double-standard between her hair on at her mixer and on her dates versus the advice she gives girls to have very straight hair, I think it’s more a matter of approachability with the hair. It needs to look soft and inviting, as though a man can run his fingers through it. Super curly hair is a “no” (in her book) for that reason. But her soft waves are totally in. I’ve recently started doing those waves with my flat iron, and I love ‘em.
Patti’s nervous about the mixer. It’s weird for her to be on the other side of it. She’s worried about who they found for her, and she may be worried about being feminine and vulnerable enough to be Date Patti about it all.
Is it me, or do each of them (Patti plus the selection committee) have two drinks in front of them RIGHT NOW, before we even get started? Mama’s rules are about to be broken!
All those identical drinks!
Who invited Hagrid to the mixer? Seriously, there’s this 7-foot-tall dude with long red hair and a beard who’s milling about at the mixer, and we never, ever see him on camera for more than a group shot. So weird that they would have chosen him for Patti!
Dude on the right–this is the only face shot we get. Otherwise we see this big back and red hair all over the place. Fire crotch asshole. (I’m sure he’s very sweet!)
Destin, Rachel, Jeff, and Rose stand before a relatively small group of men, ready to introduce Patti. When she comes down the stairs, everyone’s like, “holy shit.” I’m sure some of those men have no idea who she is. Well, wait, they showed up at a casting call to be on television, maybe they do know. Anyway, Destin gives a sweet introduction about Patti, and they’re off!
First up is a general conversation about how weird it is that SHE is the millionaire they’re having the mixer for. She admits her nerves to these guys, which probably made her look ten times more attractive. She’s guzzling a little at her drink, which is when Destin reminds is of that two-drink maximum. (Patti quips, “Today you can all have three drinks.”)
Mike P., the former cop and classic car guy, looks familiar to Patti. (Which may just be an icebreaker line, and if it is, it’s totally genius. I’m totally going to use that at cocktail parties from here on out. You can get a few miles out of that one.) She likes what he’s about, and she thanks him when he very intensely compliments her beauty and such. She can tell how serious he is, and she likes that.
She talks briefly to the firefighter guy, telling him the golden rule, that “policemen beat and firemen cheat.” Ouch! He isn’t quick enough to have a snappy comeback, but she DOES inherently like the firemen.
Then she’s talking to Soul Patch, comparing astrological signs. He’s a Cancer, she’s a Gemini. Doesn’t that mean they’re two away from each other in the whole arrangement? That’s usually good, I think. I’m dating a Cancer. It’s always weird to call someone “a Cancer.” That capitol C makes all the difference. By the way, she and this guy’s ex have the exact same birthday. It’s a sign.
She high-fives the N’Orleans personal trainer dude with the weird way of speaking, all because he said he chose the wrong person when she asked about his divorce. Then she asks if he’s been celibate, which is a stupid question to ask a single man, so she gets a stupid answer.
Here’s where Destin chimes in that Patti is starting to go into work mode. He hopes she gets back to Date Patti for the mini-dates, especially since she just pointed at a dude and told him he can “go back,” all because he pretty much admitted that he’s lazy about dating. (He never asked a long-term girlfriend to marry him; he lives in Laguna Beach, so he’d probably be lazy about dating a woman who lived in LA proper.) Yikes!
Oh, have you missed hearing about the penis doing the picking? Then listen up, cuz here’s a whole montage about it. It kicks off because Patti admits that while all these guys at the mixer seem nice, she’s not really enthused about them in her panties. “I can’t make this jump, just like I can’t make the penis do the picking.” MONTAGE.
Since we’ve only got Patti this week, she gets to have THREE mini-dates. She chooses Mike P, the classic car guy; Jos, the N’Orleans personal trainer who hasn’t been celibate; and John, the Cancer with the soul patch.
First up is N’Orleans Jos, who kicks it off by asking Patti what her goals are with this…marriage and kids? Yes. He talks positively about adoption, which warms Patti’s heart. SHE is adopted, and so is Jos’ older brother. Sweet. What’s not so sweet is Patti telling him she’s getting wet when he’s talking about ribs slow cooking and falling off the bone. I appreciate some straight talk, but that’s too much, Patti.
Soul Patch Cancer John is next. He took off his suit jacket and looks more relaxed. He admits that he wondered why she wasn’t interviewing at the casting call the day before, which makes her laugh. He wouldn’t have wanted Business Patti to be there for that, she would have ripped him a new asshole. They laugh. He asks what she’s looking for, and she immediately answers, “My soulmate.” Same for him. They talk about how they both want the “best friend” AND the passion, all wrapped up in the same person. That really is what it’s about!
Then there’s over-tan Mike P. He really loves his tanning bed. Is he trying to be a George Hamilton impersonator? Seriously? He immediately compliments Patti’s beauty again, and she somewhat-sincerely thanks him. Then he tells her that he already understands her because she’s got business savvy like he does. Oh, this isn’t going well, if you ask me. The guy is forcing intimacy AND complimenting himself at the same time. No good. Also, does this guy ever laugh? He seems so serious, ALL THE TIME. AND he’s not a former cop. He’s a former Sheriff’s deputy. Big difference, right? I think Patti got enough of a taste to know she doesn’t want to do a master date with him.
Ah, but Destin comes in to check in on her, and he reveals that she’ll be doing TWO master dates. One will be with the guy SHE chose, and the other will be with a guy the selection committee chose. But it’ll be with one of the guys she already had a mini-date with. Well, that narrows it down quite a bit, and Patti’s okay with it. So who did SHE pick? Soul Patch Cancer John! Hooray!
Wait, the Hagrid guy looks awfully familiar to me. Did I go to high school with him? (NOT an icebreaker, I seriously think he looks familiar!)
Destin reveals the twist to the guys, that the selection committee will choose a second guy for Patti, so she can go on two big dates. Jos looks sad that he wasn’t picked first, but it’s okay, bud, you may get picked this time!
And we get right to the first date! It’s the surprise date, the one that was chosen by Destin and Rachel as the official “matchmaker choice.” Patti’s wearing a cowboy hat, white button down, and lots of turquoise jewelry. And they’re arriving at some ranch. Where’s Patti’s big strapping stud of a driver? We have some little skinny kid instead, who advises Patti to relax and go with it. Good job, kid.
Who’s there to greet Patti? Mike P! I’m not convinced that he doesn’t have a prison record or otherwise have a record of being dishonest. He just doesn’t seem right, somehow. The tattoos, the tan, I don’t know. You can tell Patti’s a little disappointed with Destin and Rachel for this. And part of me wants to say, “See, now you know how your clients feel!” Except the clients always choose who they get to go on dates with. It’s never a totally blind set-up. Patti’s never REALLY made someone go out with a person they didn’t like at the mixer. (Has she??)
“Hey! So great to see you, ugh.”
Patti knows why they chose Mike P for her. He’s aggressive and has masculine energy, and she usually likes that. Then Mike says, “I’m going to prove to you that your picker is broken.” Mmm, nope, but Patti smiles at the challenge. Mike says he feels a connection, and Patti says, “okay.” Bad sign, Mike.
They head off to go horseback riding. Patti loves horseback riding, says she doesn’t know what she’ll like better, the horse or Mike. Probably the horse! Mike gives another compliment, something about the horse looking even prettier with Patti on it. Okay, Mike, give it a rest. You’re coming on too strong.
Oh, that was nothing. Now they’re just enjoying a really nice day out on horseback, looking at cows in the meadows and a nearby lake. Patti seems happy. That is, until Mike starts asking questions about the type of guy she’s looking for. I totally know what she’s doing when she answers him, concluding that it’s really hard to find what she’s looking for. I.e., YOU AIN’T IT. Mike doesn’t get the hint and says, “Hmm, it’s riding right next to you.” Patti laughs. I cringe.
Patti gives up on being completely polite and starts to challenge him a little. She knows he’s mad that she didn’t pick him, and she kinda picks on him for it. She jokes about him liking having competition (he doesn’t like it, by the way). He sternly advises that he doesn’t like to share. She laughs. I kinda feel bad for Mike, but he’s also digging his own grave with his lack of self-awareness.
Then there’s dinner at the ranch. Ew, does that mean horseflies all over? Hope not! Patti looks great in a white dress with black lace overlay in a floral pattern. There are some yellow flowers interspersed in there—I love it. She looks great. Mike looks fine for an overly aggressive George Hamilton wannabe.
Patti’s looking away any chance she gets, admiring the scenery (anywhere that Mike isn’t). Mike asks if she’s enjoying the date, and she says, “It’s beautiful!” with much sincerity. Mike asks, “Are you enjoying the COMPANY on the date?” “mm hmm, “ she lies. He asks if she’s looking for love. OH MY GOD, give it a rest! Then he asks if they’re going to get hitched. Nope! He gives her some speech about the conditions under which he’ll tell her she’s beautiful and under which conditions he WON’T tell her she’s beautiful. What a weirdo. It’s like my high school boyfriend who wrote in my yearbook, “As long as I know you, I’ll love you, and as long as I love you, I’ll know you.” HUH?
So, this is all going nowhere. Mike is way too aggressive, and not in a good way. In a creepy way that makes Patti really uncomfortable. Yes, it’s great when a man is clear about his intentions and makes his moves, but he also needs to be confident enough to read the situation and know when he’s going too far. Mike stinks at that last part.
Plus, can’t they talk about their favorite movies or how they like to work out, or normal stuff? Why does every conversation HAVE to be about romance or the date?!
Oh boy, then it’s the end of the date, and Mike makes an awkward comment about not wanting the date to end, and then Patti high-fives him for planning a great date, and he’s like, “But I want to kiss you!” She laughs. And that’s that.
“This date sucks, guy!”
Well. Time to right this ship, right?
But first, it’s the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment! This week, we’re supposed to be shocked that a skinny tattooed guy with an ENORMOUS black goatee would show up at the casting. I recognize him immediately from Seducing Cindy, that dating reality show that was on last summer. Mark, the gray-haired guy that Shauna ran from (“He’s a hundred years old!”) two seasons ago? He was on Seducing Cindy, too. Both of those guys left that show in a blaze of indignity. It was great. Anyway, this guy just needs more camera time, and there, he got it.
He’s got it all, is just too thin for Patti!
Patti’s got some awful posture, doesn’t she? Her shoulders are very hunched over. I get that she’s also wearing a mic pack under her shirt, which enhances the Quasimodo-like hump, but there’s still some bad posture there.
Anyway, she meets Soul Patch Cancer John at a small, regional airport, and she looks great. She’s wearing all-white, which looks striking with her coloring. John gives her a kiss on the cheek hello. Patti is nervous! But now she’s excited, because they’re heading to some resort in Tuscon that she likes. She’s been there before, and apparently they have a million activities, and she’s only done half of them! John looks great in more casual clothing. I wasn’t feeling his energy before, but I see it now.
Excited about going to AZ!
Patti and John are already off to a much better start than Patti and Mike. She’s having a glass of wine in the plane, and John’s detailing the plans of their date. She loves that he planned it all out (women love it, men, learn that EARLY and you will usually be successful). They’re going to do a poolside foot massage first, then do some zip-lining, then have dinner. I’d rather have the massage after zip-lining, but I guess John has his reasons.
The lips are just WEIRD. They really can’t be all hers.
Poolside, they’re lounged out in chairs side-by-side, chatting it out while the staff works on their feet. He asks why she did the whole matchmaking process, what she’s looking for. She says she intimidates most men, and she wants someone who’s not fighting with her to be more successful. John asks why she picked HIM, and it’s because she thought he was hot and funny. Edgy. She volleys it back, asking why he showed up to the mixer. He says his friends made him do it, but mostly that he thought it’d be fun. What a refreshing change from Mike! Also, Patti calls him a DILF. Ha!
Time to get on that zip-line! What confidence Patti has, to wear short spandex shorts on this date! Wow. But she climbs up the ladder second, so it makes sense. Basically, they have to climb up a ladder to a telephone pole with those wire braces pushed into them as ladder steps and keep climbing until they get to the platform. THEN they can zip down the line. John climbs up with no problem. Patti freaks out about it the whole way, fretting about being sweaty and tired.
John was pretty cool about the whole thing, not too coddling and not too “get over it, ya big baby.” He kept her feeling safe and secure, but wasn’t too cloying about it. But it doesn’t really matter what he did exactly, as long as she felt good about it. And she did. She made it to the top, and then they zipped down. All good. Hugs at the end. Mike wouldn’t have gotten a hug!
And now it’s time to eat! It’s sunset in the desert, and Patti’s wearing a teal silk dress. She really looks great in rich colors like that. John looks good too. They make a good couple. And honestly, he looks a little like Andy. They say we always go for the same type, and this must be her type. (Wait, it’s not sunset, they’re just filmed in a way that makes it look dark inside, so they’re in silhouette, but it’s still VERY daylight outside. Are they eating dinner at 4 PM?)
“Well, I am an older woman, SexyPanda. I enjoy the early bird special as much as the next 50-something.”
Dinner seems to go well. They talk about his kids, and it’s all smiles. Then they talk about Patti being shy and vulnerable. He likes it. She talks about her business a little, mostly in the context of her own experience being the client. She wants to be a living example. I suspect it’s mostly because she’s a single matchmaker, and that ain’t good for business, amiright?
They continue talking about love, about Patti giving it all up for the right guy, and so on. John’s listening very thoughtfully in a non-aggressive way. He thinks it’s been ‘awesome’ getting to know her. She agrees, it’s been awesome getting to know him, too. See, this seems very natural and easy, and John isn’t being vague about his intentions…but he’s not browbeating her with them either, like Mike did. Patti’s much more relaxed.
But ew, at the end of the date, they go in for a kiss and Patti devours John’s face. Yuck.
0.2 seconds before the tongue slithered out. Too much!
Okay, that’s that! Time for the matchmakers to check in with the dates. How’d it go? Mike P talks about how it started off well but fizzled towards the end. “I’m not sure she’s ready for the intensity I bring to the plate.” Uh oh. Destin and Rachel note that if HE thought he was being intense, it must have been 100x that intense for Patti. Yikes! Oh, and Mike P tells of asking for a kiss, which makes Destin and Rachel cringe!
Then they call John. He thought the date was great, had a super-fun time. And they smooched at the end, naturally, without asking. Boom, done.
What’d Patti think? She strolls in and kicks Destin out of her chair, first of all. Then she shares how stilted the date was with Mike, which contrasts with how easily things flowed with John. Aww. They already have a second date planned! Hooray! I love love. And I love that both Patti AND John are realistic about it. They both make comments about how they don’t know how it’ll go, they’re still getting to know each other, etc. That’s very mature and a good place to start. Fingers crossed. I think Patti is a good person who deserves love.
Captions of Truth! What say you, this final time this season? Well, big surprise, Mike and Patti never went out again. A-DUH. As for Patti and John? They went out “several more times.” Does that mean it’s not a real relationship at this point? That’s a shame.
Stay tuned next week for the Reunion special! We get to talk to crazy Handjob Hello Kitty Robyn again and other characters. I’ll do my best to recap it without writing a straight transcription of it. Come back, we’ll talk!
Thanks for reading!! (And if you like, please check out my other recaps!)