Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Mourning Wood

Recaps

By SexyPanda | Friday, January 11, 2013 | 8:59 pm | 8 Comments
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Posted in: Millionaire Matchmaker, Recaps

Patti lords over the crowd of girls before bringing out the men. She asks the women to repeat her golden rule after her: No Sex before Monogamy!!!  She’s so pleased to hear it all shouted back at her. “Do I have them trained or what?” Okay, EGO.

Okay, so here are the dudes. Go mingle! Destin pulls Daniel aside because he’s talking too much about himself. Daniel’s very self-aware and totally takes this constructive criticism well. Brian seems to be doing well enough with the chatter.

Earlier, the astrologer had told Daniel to look for the girl who’s NOT out to sell him, who’s not in his face with direct approach. He should look for the girl who’s hanging back a little, but interested. In this conversation, that girl would be Lindsay. Cody’s the one who’s out to sell him. She asks what he’s looking for, then when he explains what he wants, she holds out her hand for a shake, “Hi, nice to meet you.” Noted.

Brian’s having a good chat with Jady, and later Carrie. But there’s not a whole lot to note about either woman or either conversation.  Brian’s boring, other than the Arthur/Morning Wood/Mommy dating angle.

So who do these guys want to date?  Brian wants Jady and the girl with the freckles (Carrie). Daniel would like to talk more to Lindsay and Cody.

Time for mini-dates!  Brian meets with Carrie first, and it’s just about a total bomb. He doesn’t get (or care) about her Michigan anecdotes, and he doesn’t even pretend to be conversationally interested in her hobbies (partner dancing??). Yikes. Well, there’s no beating around the bush.

Speaking of bush, in Daniel’s mini-date with Cody, she brags about being a party girl, hanging out on the pole, etc. Yuck. Not the right approach.

Jady and Brian hit it off much better, especially once Jady mentions that her softball team’s name is Morning Wood!  She’s also a farmer girl, from a good family, everything Brian’s mother was looking for. Blech, that’s gross to write out.

Daniel and Lindsay have a really nice chat, about her childhood and then about her job. They’re just hitting a groove about doing karaoke together when Patti interrupts. The choice is obvious, but Daniel acts like it’s a hard decision.

Well, it was obvious, right? Daniel picked Lindsay for the master date, and Brian picked Jady. Yup.

I was just about to say, “Okay, let’s get to the master dates, shall we?” when the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment arrived!  This time, it’s Patti hosting a dating seminar at the Millionaire’s Club. One of the women hits on Rachel, who gets really, really embarrassed.

Let’s get to the master dates, shall we?

Brian’s hosting Jady on the Morning Wood. He’s wearing the most Dad outfit there ever was. Seriously, I think my 70-something dad has his shirt. But whatever, he’s only 40! (BULLSHIT.) They head out on the boat to Catalina, but then an engine blew. Bravo keeps showing the same exact plume of smoke over and over again like the boat is going horribly wrong. It’s ridiculous.  Back to them in a minute.

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About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

8 Comments

  1. 1
    Pegalicious
    Posted January 12, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Congrats on your nuptials, SexyPanda. May there be Morning Wood in your future…

  2. 2
    Viane Slice
    Posted January 12, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    They brought this woman brought back? She-who-herself-has-never-married as the few who stood up to her have pointed out? SP, I never thought she had extensions but that explains why her hair always looked fake to me. Patti’s hair looked like shiny vinyl. Barbie Doll hair looks more realistic.

    I haven’t seen this season but I can guess what the episodes hold:

    She’ll scream at someone for not having long hair and/or straight hair. Or that they aren’t built like sticks with coconuts attached to them. Rachel never looked like any of that yet not once have I heard Patti say, “Destin would marry you if you lost 25 pounds, wiped off some of that greaspaint and got extensions!”

    clients with obvious neurological and social issues will be screamed at to act better and dress better. Like ten minutes of Patti’s rants will suddenly erase a lifetime of neuroses.

    Some dingbat will not listen when Patti says “don’t sleep with him on the first date”.

    Also the booze will flow. Booze makes everything better (sadly).

    Anywho congrats SP on your marriage. And I bet you didn’t have to do any of the things Patti says to do to get your man.

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 13, 2013 at 12:30 am

    @Sexy Panda Congratulations to you and Mr Panda!

    I’m so glad you’re doing this show again. Because with some shows experience is a big plus.

    Like Patti’s eyes. There’s 2 possible ways. 1, some colored lenses don’t look fake.

    The trick is to skip the bright colors. And pick 1 that doesnt look like much. People that came with colory eyes can get the translucent kind that’ll just give a cast to it. And make it look more of that color. For regular eyes get an even more dull version. Since you’ve got to get opaque. But that’s a whole different tangent.

    The other way is eye shadow. It might be they just got a makeup artist that put the right shade of brown on her. Which sounds easy. Till you think about all the 70 yr ladies and Drag Queens with blue eyes still trying to find their exact color that’ll make them bluer. It’s like having 1 of those old desks with >9000 secret compartments. And you’ve just got 1 key.

    To get ombre it’s got to be 1 piece of hair that gets dip dyed. Or dip bleached. Like Emily Bustamante had on that Love and Hip Hop spin off.

    I don’t get the non contrasty contrasting extensions thing. I guess people think they’re being conservative but trendy. But it just looks dumb. There’s things in life where you have to either commit or forget.

    To be a season premiere they sure picked boring ass stories. The cast’s makeovers were more interesting than the daters.

    Rachel’s hair looked great the way they had it fixed. Kind of like Bettie Page-Chosun Era fusion. I like that color on her a lot too. But I wonder what she does with it in her real life. When she doesn’t have a hair design team and a couple of hours to sit still while they work on it.

    Destin’s hair ended up kind of blah. I don’t know why they felt like they had to do anything to it. Since obviously he’s not going to let them do anything extreme like a beige afro or something.

    Have a safe trip and a fun honeymoon!

  4. 4
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted January 13, 2013 at 9:01 am

    @SexyPanda, you forgot to include that every season of MM starts with Patti navigating two successful matches so that the viewing audience is lulled into believing that she actually has the ability and skill to make matches, even though she can’t do it in her own life. I guess that’s why I enjoyed Miss Advised (although I’m clearly the only one!) because I wouldn’t trust a 50 year old matchmaker that can’t keep a man and has no one on the horizon that even wants to be in her emotional, high-strung presence.

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 13, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Marine biologists at the Woods Hole Research Center claim that a compound synthesized from Patti Stanger’s urine makes a shark repellent that is 96% effective. WHRC’s Dr. Foster Brown said, “Previously, the best shark repellent we had was 42% effective–58% of the time, you still got your ass bit off. But this compound from Ms. Stanger’s urine, sharks just can’t take it. They clear out of the area quick. It makes you wonder what effect it might have on members of her own species… but I hasten to add that I’m no expert in land mammals!”

  6. 6
    CrazyTrain
    Posted January 13, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    Thanks so much for the recap! I love that Destin got rid of his ridiculous mohawk.

    Congratulations SP :)

  7. 7
    ramenXnoodle
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    I posted this on another page and this is off topic but I find it so funny I had to share with people who *might* actually care (:P)

    The douche Patti dated last season, Mike, was on an episode of RuPaul’s drag race!! And was a super huge douche on that episode too. Lolol!!! The reality show door just keeps revolving.

    LOVE your recaps sexypanda, I’ve read them all and have laughed sooo much. Keep up the great work!! :D

  8. 8
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted January 17, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Thanks for the great recap, so I don’t actually have to watch Stanker’s show.

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