Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Punting Former Bravo Peeps

Recaps

By SexyPanda | Saturday, March 16, 2013 | 9:05 am | 9 Comments
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Posted in: Millionaire Matchmaker, Recaps

Hola, ‘Gasmii! Did you get your ombre extensions installed in time for this week’s Millionaire Matchmaker? I lost all my extra weight using Sensa and bought a Kelly bag. Let’s go talk about it!

No super-random intro this week, just a regular random intro, with Patti strolling in wearing a bra-tap kind of bustier. Like, black satin long-line bra. Like what I wore under my wedding dress, only in white. Yep, that’s her top, under a fitted blazer. So sex-ay. She mentions how she started reading 50 Shades of Gray, which would have been a relevant topic at least a year ago. I just feel bad for her now, trying to talk about it. (She wants to know where the sex is. I agree!)

So who are we matching up this week? First up is Mitch something, an NFL player from Vancouver. He’s got an easygoing personality, it seems, and he also seems pretty hunky. So why the hell does he need Patti? By the way, my husband makes sure I note that he’s “only a punter.” Any NFL player who’s ONLY worth $6 million and who was playing for 16 years or however long it was is probably not a big-time on-the-field-all-the-time player. I think there’s a term for that, but Mr. SexyP is downstairs watching Big Bang Theory, so I’m on my own here. Oh, later, when he mentions his satellite radio show, I realize why he’s on the show.

Patti makes some quip about Mitch being 6’4” and hot with a big cock. Rachel’s like, “How do you know he’s got a big cock?” Someone jokes that Patti has cock-dar. She’s like, “I just know, when they’re size 10 or above. Destin, what size are you?” “10.” He’s on the cusp! By the way, folks, shoe size has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with cock size. Nothing. Not one thing.

“Boop….Boop….tune in, Tokyo! Wait, wrong reference…”

Oh wait, Mitch’s intro video is still going. He’s talking about a lot of women are takers, and while he’s a giver, it’s nice to be given something sometimes too. See, level-headed and attractive, he really is only on the show for publicity. Oh, and his celebrity crush is Jessica Biel. And he wants to settle down and have a family. Okay, okay, got it, Mitch. Jeez.

Patti’s take on Mitch is that he’s a Peter Pan, a man-child who’s only growing up now. He was in a non-monogamous profession, and now he wants to settle down. So she’s got to find him his Wendy.

Did Wendy and Peter Pan have sex? I never really liked the movie or paid attention to the story that closely.

I’m guessing no.

Then there’s Joe. Oh, Joe. Back last week when we first saw his ugly mug on the previews, I said to myself, “Panda? You know that guy. You know him somehow. You may even know him personally. It’s that eerie of a feeling. You KNOW this guy.” But I couldn’t place him. (Don’t you hate that?)

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About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

9 Comments

  1. 1
    NatPatBen
    Posted March 16, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    When John Salley walked out, I said to my husband, “JB Smoove!” and he (who watches Real Househusbands) immediately knew it wasn’t JB. So you weren’t the only one who saw the similarity.

    Also, thanks to your random quotes from/about Joe on Thintervention, I think I actually do remember him. The cupcake quote triggered my memory.

  2. 2
    Staci
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 5:15 am

    Love your recaps! I have been looking for the Recap for the episode with the gay guy from Vegas whose date got drunk and was way too young for him. Can you link me to it please? It’s the only one I’ve missed. Thanks!

  3. 3
    salvadorioalexio
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    hey, I am in the 50 zone and my mom is very much alive, thanks very much!

    anyway I am looking forward to the lesbian mixer, the last time there were dykes on the Patti show it was such a bust, no real good ones, just some Lothario types, I hope she can come up with some more interesting women this time.

    and this recap rocked, very funny and loved the graphics.

  4. 4
    SexyPanda
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Yay, thanks!

    You mean another season than this one, right? Or this season? I’m drawing a blank…

    NatPatBen, I’m glad it wasn’t just me!

  5. 5
    Staci
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    He may have been from last season. He has his own drag show in Vegas and he had black hair with a really nice smile. I can’t remember who the other bachelor was. Sorry, that’s all I got!

  6. 6
    SexyPanda
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Oh, I think I remember, it was from last season. Let me go look for it for you!

    … here you go! http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/millionaire-matchmaker-recap-2.html

  7. 7
    Staci
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 5:56 am

    Thanks! That’s the one. :)

  8. 8
    SexyPanda
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    @salvadorioalexio, haha, sorry! of course! I more meant that it seemed odd to me to be seeking out a birth mom at 50+, not that it was odd to have living parents at that age. That didn’t come through well, sorry.

    See y’all in Bravo-land tonight!

  9. 9
    Skyla
    Posted April 19, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Since when are they allowed to say the word “cock” referring to the penis on tv? You can’t even say “pussy” still.

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