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Hey ‘Gasmii! It’s time to talk about the second part of the Millionaire Matchmaker reunion! It’s finally here, the season is finally done! I feel like the show is pretty much over for good, except Patti and Andy were somehow talking about stuff we’ll see next season. uh oh.
Anyway, let’s talk about it. I have Christmas cards to write!
Andy kicks it off by asking Patti what characteristic women should look for in a man, the one thing they should seek. “Chivalry.” So true, it’s a lost art. Hold doors for women, help them with their coats. A woman who’s right for you will appreciate that you did that. And if she squawks about it, she’s not the woman for you. My BF holds doors and helps me with my coat all the time, a year and some months into things. I love it.
“Patti, generalize for me, is chivalry only applicable in hetero situations?” (that’s actually a legit question. Answer me, Patti!)
I’ll just say this now: I’m starting to really get sick of Patti’s way of phrasing how people are “leading with their _____ foot.” The whole phrase is getting old to me. She’s right, men are leading with the wrong stuff, or women who are looking for their soul mates are leading with whatever wrong trait, but I’m tired of the phrase. Drink every time you hear it tonight, you’ll have a great time.
What’s the biggest mistake a woman can make on a first date? TMI. She’s right. Women tell too much on the first date. I learned the hard way to keep a little mystery about some things.
Viewer question about redheads. Would Patti date a redhead? Sure she would, if he was everything she was looking for and happened to have red hair. She claims to have nothing against redheads, but it’s the millionaire men who aren’t interested. That’s bullshit. I’ve never known a woman with red hair who’s been passed over because of her hair color. No way. I mean, my ex preferred brunettes, and he still dated me for a year and a half!
Patti is an expert, insists the millionaire men just don’t choose redheads. Cue the “Patti’s expertise” montage. Don’t point your pecker in the wrong direction. Don’t put work first. Looks fade, dumb is forever. Stuff like that. It’s all good advice, actually!
Patti’s all choked up, watching her finest advice like that. She tells Andy she does it not for the people, not for herself, but for God. Hoooo-kay? She also intends to match up people for free when she’s an old lady at the grocery store and knows the cashier there and the tailor down the street are both single. That’s great. Like her mom did matchmaking for free dinners and her grandmother for free chickens.
Andy asks if Patti being newly single hurt her credibility. Um, with everyone who reads shit online, it did. I didn’t see one person defending her (besides me, and it was half-hearted at best). She said that women particularly eviscerated her for it, but men were pretty accepting of it. She can be a competent matchmaker without having a great love-life herself.
Patti and Andy discuss the “no sex before monogamy” rule, which isn’t the same as “no sex on the first date.” They can talk about being monogamous on the first date and then totally bang! But it’s rare and maybe weird. But Patti’s right, some men just KNOW when they meet someone that this is it, this is their wife. Women need more time to warm up to the idea of someone. So true. Women are crock pots, men are microwaves. Yup.
Another montage, this time of all the weird things Patti says. Some of it’s her little cliche phrases, some of it is her acronyms. Pecker doing the picking, hunting and fishing, MIT (millionaire in training), whackadoo, bragasaurus, BBD (bigger better deal), hottie patottie, slip and slide, cutie patootie, dippy dippy, creepy deepy, “with tequila you get babies,” chupacabra, and juicy goosie. They talk more about juicy goosie, which means a woman getting wet. Blech. (and again, she’s right. I used to do a “panty check” on dates, to see if I was turned on by my date or not. Great guys would fail, and mediocre guys would pass. I was most successful dating the ones who passed the panty check, provided they passed the other tests as well!)
This is one of my favorites, when she’s layering “bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit” up in front of her face
Another montage! This time, it’s about all of Patti’s makeover attempts. Botox requests, clothing changes, spray tans, haircuts, etc. It’s fun.
A viewer asks Patti about breast enlargements. Really?! Weird. Patti advises to stay D or under, or else you won’t fit in clothes. Correct! She also advises that women seek out a gay surgeon, since their aesthetic is better. Eyeroll.
What should men wear to impress women on a date? Jeans with a great butt. Andy asks about sport coats? Nope. Wear a fitted shirt so you can see the shape.
A viewer asks about the rules. Did they come from her mother and grandmother’s matchmaking, or are they her own? Kind of a little of everything. Patti came up with a lot from her own time in the trenches. She calls herself a “scientist,” observing people’s behavior. And then we get a montage about the rules of the club. No sex before monogamy; two drink maximum; men plan the dates; stay on neutral subjects; no texting/sexting.
Speaking of spray tans, here’s Lawrence from Season 2! He’s on the couch with Crazy Stacy from last season and Zagros from Seasons 2 and 3. (Zagros actually looks good!) I barely remember Lawrence.
They showed clips of his episode, and I still didn’t remember him. But he does look better with more hair, a full beard, and a tan!
We get to see a reminder clip about him. He gets a spray tan and takes his date out for vodka tasting. That breaks Patti’s rule. Then he asks the girl to go to Vegas. She’s uncomfortable with it, especially because she’s drunk.
Andy’s first question–is Lawrence still spray-tanning? He is. Lawrence compliments Patti, and Andy makes some dumb comment about there being chemistry. That doesn’t last long. Oh, then Andy notices that Lawrence’s leg is very white in the area where his jeans are ripped. Oh, that’s because he only spray tanned his face and hands, only the stuff that would show on TV! HA! Oh, and he got hair replacement!
There’s a mature debate about the difference between determining chemistry through kissing (Patti’s rule) and through sex (What Lawrence believes). It’s true. Kissing and sex are totally different. You can tell if you want to have sex or not with someone by how they kiss you, but you can then have terrible sex. So, you really should try both before things get too far along! But you also don’t want to be whoring yourself around, trying out your chemistry with everyone you meet! but it’s true that women have sex and get attached like that *snap*. Patti starts talking about Lawrence’s “feminine energy” and it goes on like that for a while.
I start to tune out a little bit, so it’s good to change direction and talk to Zagros! We revisit his first two episodes. In the first one, he took Teal on a fabulous date, then smooched her hard and fucked her. Apparently, he didn’t warm her up before fucking her and she was hurt and didn’t enjoy it. Sounds like rape, almost, but okay. The second time he was on, he met Susan, and apparently they dated for a year. It never went any further because of logistics, with her living in LA and him living between Dallas and Denver. (I thought the Captions of Truth told us she’d moved to Dallas to be with him!) Apparently she didn’t because she couldn’t find a job? I smell bullshit.
Anyway, Zagros is much calmer and more well-groomed than he’s ever been. He seems mature and willing to talk maturely about most things about his experience, and he reveals that he’s dating someone for the past six weeks. Well, I’d have said “the past few months” but okay. Patti’s genuinely happy for him. He reminds me a lot of my one uncle, which is interesting (to me, and me only).
This next part is a bit excruciating. It’s Crazy Stacy time. She’s nuts. She has no concept of why she didn’t do well either time on the show. She claims to be happy being single, then comes back because she doesn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t follow any of Patti’s rules, so her dates fail. She shows a video to her date of her in her underwear. It’s no good. Her date tells her so. Patti tries to explain this all to Stacy, who refuses to get it. So she kicks her out.
Crazy Stacy is still crazy. She also needs to wash her hair, maybe move away from the jet-black hair dye. She claims none of Patti’s rules work, since everyone is so subjective. Yes, yes, but using the rules as a general guideline, when you understand WHY the rules are in place, makes perfect sense. Don’t drink too much so you’re not a drunk bozo. That’s pretty universal. Don’t talk too much about negative things. Yep, also universal. The rules are that universal, and they exist for a reason, Crazy.
This segment breaks down into a shouting match, with both Patti and Crazy stacy talking at the same time, for a long time. I didn’t really hear what either person said. I know that Stacy tried to insult Patti for being single, for having a broken engagement. Patti tried to brag about how well she’s doing, and it doesn’t really ever work for her. She needs to learn to be quiet when situations like this arise. I’ve learned as much! No need to brag/shout about how great you are, as long as YOU know how great you are. Oh, Patti just told Stacy to lick her ass. Classy!
It’s over, right? Well, according to me it is. Andy makes a joke about Lawrence and Stacy dating. Yuck.
Now we get to talk to Destin and Rachel! Rachel’s looking good, lost the baby weight. Destin needs to shave. They met on MySpace, by the way!! Ha! Patti waxes about Destin’s love life history, about how he was about to focus on his career and never think of dating again. Soon enough, he meets Rachel and moves her right into his place. And now they have a kid and are married. And they mentioned lobsters in their vows, just like Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel.(I’m sure they didn’t base their lobster vows off of Friends. What do you think? Secret Life of Lobsters instead?)
Destin talks easily and kindly of Patti, about her heart of gold. Patti smiles. We get a montage of clips of Destin and Rachel talking about Patti as boss in all the different episodes. Yep. A viewer asks Destin and Rachel to dispense advice to Patti–what is she doing wrong? Nothing, she’s not doing anything wrong. Business Patti and Dating Patti are so different, sometimes it gets confused. She has a really good heart, and it’s tough to find just the right fit.
The “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week has to do with Destin and Rachel’s appearance. How could they possibly be good at their jobs looking the way they do? Well, they are good at their jobs, looking like freaks. So there.
We talk a bit about Patti’s episode, when she was the client. It was actually a good episode, and Patti learned a lot of empathy towards her client during that episode. Montage time!
Oh, here’s John! Soul Patch Cancer John! He needs to shave, too. He looks bemused the whole time they’re talking to him. We learn why in a second. But first, Andy marvels at how shy/coquettish Patti was during her own dates. She nodded and agreed, she’s very quiet and demure when she’s Dating Patti. Anyway, John talks some more and answers Andy’s question–they only dated one other time after the first date. Now they’re great friends. Ah, so the chemistry just wasn’t there. That happens. Patti looks a little frozen about it, and John looks like he’s being careful, so I’d guess that Patti felt it and John didn’t. It’s always a shame when that happens. but that’s why dating is so hard!
“You totally mouth-raped me on camera”
Okay, the final segment is with David Cruz, the felon’s brother from a few episodes ago. He had a successful date with Ayla, despite taking her to work out on the first date. They had a great first date kiss and apparently kept seeing each other. Here they are on the couch!
Andy asks how long it’s been, and David answers very specifically–five months and two weeks. Aww, it’s still so early, they have to specify. I wish he’d just said, “about six months.” They look very happy together, suit each other well. So that was a good match. And…then he proposes! We all knew it was coming, so they did a lot of build-up to keep us watching. It’s a beautiful ring, huge, and they’re all teary and genuine, kinda forgetting for a moment or three that they’re on TV. Patti’s crying, but it’s annoying that she won’t be quiet during this moment. She keeps announcing how she’s crying or how wonderful it is. Then she comes by to look at the ring, congratulating David on buying a good ring.
I love this photo for Andy’s head poking out in between ‘em.
(P.S. It’s “Mazel Tov”, right” Not just “Mazel”?)
And that’s that! The end of the season is…. NOW!