Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: (Self) Help!

Hi again, ‘Gasmii!  We have a very special episode of Millionaire Matchmaker this week.  It’s the one where Patti gets her first period and Destin takes steroids.  Or…it’s just a Sunday episode for no good reason. Trying to burn off the rest of the episodes, Bravo?

I actually have internet again, hallelujah. But I’m exhausted and still haven’t unpacked my life upstairs, so I hope I can be brief today. And I hope YOU can be okay with that! (And know that when I try to be brief, I actually end up wordier than usual. Fun!)

Let’s just get to it, yeah?

The cold open this week is Patti orating to a group of singles waiting to be interviewed for the mixer.  She calls it a “dating seminar,” but you know it’s just her taking advantage of a captive audience who will smile and nod at everything she says because the camera is on ‘em.  She opens it up for questions, and one girl asks about knowing when to be exclusive. Patti’s overbearing in her response, which is something along the line of “he has bank” and him wanting to take you away for the weekend, but you insist on having a separate hotel room, because you’re not the kind of girl to have sex before monogamy. Ugh, who says “monogamy” in regular conversation?  Exclusivity, Patti. This isn’t a George Michael video. Then she makes some quip about better blowjobs, which is bullshit, so I’m skipping over it. (It’s not about beej technique, but about insinuating that all women are giving men blowjobs 24/7. We aren’t, are we??)

Patti strolls in for another hard week at work, and they get right to it. First millionaire this week is Steve Jeejones.  Oh, I bet it’s “Steve G. Jones.”  Anyway, he’s a hypnotherapist that Patti’s familiar with, she’s actually used him on clients before. (Does anyone actually remember it? Not sure I do. They show a clip, as if it was from a past season, but it looks like they actually filmed it five minutes ago.)

Then Destin’s got a motivational speaker named Gary Coxe. There’s not much to say about him yet, other than he’s got a “grocery list” of things he’s looking for. I thought it was laundry list. Grocery list makes more sense.  What the fuck is a laundry list?  Google, help! Okay, it’s  something about olden times, sending your laundry out and the laundry people having to keep a strict tally of everything you had.  Idiomatically, it’s a tedious list. There. Learned.

DVD time. Steve G. Jones. Looks like some dude I went to college with who I heard YEARS later thought I had a crush on him. HELL NO. So, I’m automatically set on “dislike” for him. He’s the hypotherapist.   His first wife, of seven years, cheated on him.  His second marriage dissolved in three months. Now he’s afraid to love, and he’s afraid to date a woman who challenges him, so he dates waitresses and hairdressers. I’m sorry to all you waitresses and hairdressers out there for that inherent insult.

“You will feel very sleepy. Then you’ll go home and take off that tie. All you need is a sport coat. Trust me.”

Next up is Gary Coxe, who’s creepy looking. He’s also creepy speaking, referring to himself as being “46 years of age.”  Not “46 years old.” I’m already predisposed to dislike him, too. It’s okay, this isn’t journalism, I’m not expected to remain unbiased. I’m allowed to hate freely!

Yuck.

Holy shit, he’s got a specific list of shit he wants in a woman.  If he were searching for this on Match.com, he’d have very few hits. Hence his appearance before Patti.  He wants a woman who’s 29 to 33 years old, 5’2” to 5’4”, 110 lbs, blonde, whom he can worship.  She should be feminine and godly. She shouldn’t smoke. She shouldn’t be too career-y, she’s meant to be a “supporting role” only. (Seriously.) He makes finger quoties when he says that she should respect his “knowledge.”  I give him two middle fingers!

Patti thinks he’s a narcissist and perfectionist, and she also thinks he’s ugly.

Steve G. Jones heads on in to meet with Patti.  We get his extended intro in the meantime. He’s a southern gent, by way of Savannah. He really enjoys wearing sport coats over black t-shirts, and his hair/goatee combo is distasteful to me.

Oh, he’s a ginger. That explains it.

Steve charges $25,000 for the first two-hour session.  Wait, what the fuck.  He charges more than my car cost brand new for two hours of stupid hypnotherapy??   Who is paying for that?  Is it worth it? Holy shit. (Then again, I’ve packed on 10 lbs in the past 6 months, and I’d pay a ridiculous amount of money to change that, IF I HAD EMPIRICAL PROOF THAT IT WORKED.)

Awww. They show him eating alone in a restaurant.  That makes me feel sad.  I’ve done that before, but only on business trips when I have to get the fuck out of the hotel.

So, what does he really need Patti to do? Is he having trouble meeting people, or is he looking for Patti to dominatrix him into choosing better women?  It must be the latter.

Oh my god, now I feel bad for saying anything bad about this dude. Apparently, his first wife already had a kid when they got married, so he adopted that one. Then they adopted another kid together. Then she cheated on him and left, and the new guy adopted both kids, so now Steve has NO kids. His kids aren’t his kids anymore. That is AWFUL. People are awful!!  No wonder he’s the walking wounded. (Still doesn’t help the sport coat fixation.)

Supposedly, Patti’s been in a similar boat, as someone whose dad walked away from her, so she gets it (albeit from a completely different perspective). Ah, five seasons in, we learn something about Ms. Patti.

Wait. More information. Am I not supposed to feel bad for this guy?  I feel so emotionally manipulated, y’all.  So Steve Jeejones walked away from the adopted kid?  Like, by his choice? Oh. Then he sucks. Patti wants him to call his daughter and apologize. She’s 20 years old now, by the way. Wow.

Oh, and they’re going to do a big traditional mixer for him. Patti wants to make sure he meets women on his level, smart women with good careers. Get past this waitress nonsense. (Sorry, again.)

Then Patti heads off to meet Gary. And we get to watch the extended intro.  Wait, now he’s 47. He was 46 before. What a lying sack of shit.

We watch him swindle a huge audience of idiots, who all cheer and hold up his books for him to autograph. He dances across the stage like a dumb puppet, shouting stupid slogans.  He loves him his gold bracelets. Wearing more than one at once. Yuck.

Gary has no game.

He loves to fly, which is fine.  They show him flying a small plane. Fine. Then he’s going up in a helicopter, apparently scoping the beaches for his godly, busty babe. He says he’s just too busy to waste time dating someone who may NOT meet his exact specifications, so he prefers to get that out of the way first.  Right, so chemistry has nothing to do with it for this guy, which makes sense because he’s just not attractive. He’s tall and not fat and has most of his hair, but he’s wearing gold bracelets and is jowly.

Patti lights into Gary right away about his list, and he’s like, “yeah, but most people meet and think each other is cute and kiss and reward that.” Ugh, reward. Spoken like a motivational speaker, all right. Patti’s all snippy, like, “I know.”  His beef with that, really, is that you tend to ignore basic compatibilities that way.  But, she says, his list is too long. Gary stubbornly looks away.  (And really, what’s so bad about dating someone you think is cute and like to smooch, and seeing—over time—if the compatibility is there?)

Patti spews to Gary something about being a control freak, about not letting the universe do its job, about not letting GOD do his/her job, etc.  That his rigid list is great for business but not great for love. So, Patti’s task for Gary is to come up with just five non-negotiables.  Big, blonde, boobs is a given, but what’s under the hood?  Gary nods, he’s got it.

Oh, he’s gotta come up with this list right now?!  Okay then. Well, she must be Christian. I already did the Type O Negative “Christian Woman” jokes on a recap last year, so I’ll spare you this time.  So, that’s fine. Oh, and she must be gorgeous. Patti takes offense to this, calls it out for not being “godly”.  They fight about the interpretation of it all, and I don’t care.

Moving on. His third must-have is that she must be happy. Fine. Fourth?  She’s got to be “domesticated.” Oh, so she should shit in a box and make sure she paws the litter over her litter box mess?  Cool. I hate it when men say this about potential women. Domesticated. You’re an asshole.  He means domestic. It’s fine to want someone who enjoys cooking and does a good job cleaning. Use the right word.  Fifth must-have: wants kids.

Patti will do a ginormous mixer for Gary, too, but she warns him to not interview his dates. Just get to know them casually, don’t grill them. Women can tell when they’re getting interviewed, and we get defensive. It’s true. He is to be romantic above all else. I’m sure he can’t pull it off.

Time to find some dates! I hope there are some crazies! We need some beautiful Christians for Gary and smart women for Steve Jeejones.

Welp, first one is a psychic. She tells Rachel that she’ll be going to Maui sometime soon (which, according to Rachel’s reaction, is true) and tells Patti that she’ll meet a man in 2012. Patti’s like, “that’s a long way off.”

Then there’s Sally, she of the enormous hair and small face.  She’s smart and is starting a business.  Good for Steve Jeejones, I think!  Patti gets over her redhead hate (which I never understand) and lets her in. This chick has an intense gaze, though. She’s kinda creepin’ me out.

A few older brunettes make the cut for Steve, I guess.  I’m not sure what they’re doing here, cuz I think Steve probably wants someone he’s attracted to. OUCH.

They’ve loaded up a bunch of women for Steve, not so many for Gary. So, let’s focus on finding this busty Bible chick, shall we?  First we talk to Lachelle, who’s a busted-face blonde virgin. Her hair is that brassy blonde and her makeup is too ghost-face-killah.  There’s another one named Jen who’s fine. That’s all we see for now, so I guess let’s just get on with it?

It’s just before the mixer. Patti’s asking Steve Jeejones about the daughter thing. He tried to find her by utility bills and whatnot, but no dice, which means she’s still living with her mom. Patti advises him to hire a private eye to track down her cell number. Ack!

Enough of this, let’s mingle! Meet my millionaires! Two drink maximum!

First, I have to laugh, because who Patti got for Steve is not really what Gary would probably consider “gorgeous.” Too old, too brunette. But I don’t think Patti’s separating the women, they’re all mingling freely. Which is actually cool, because I BETCHA Gary ends up being interested in someone Patti actually recruited for Steve.  We’ll see.

Gary’s off and running with a group of blondes. Seems to be fine, until he asks about relocating, since he lives in Florida. He asks for a fucking SHOW OF HANDS, “who’s willing to relocate?”  Then he asks who’s really into health. Patti looks PISSED.  This is exactly what she told him not to do!  He starts rattling off all this info about himself, then asks for all the women’s ages.  Hey Gary! You suck!

“Show of hands, how many of you think I’m an ugly, self-important jerk?”

Steve Jeejones is outside, chatting up a different group. All the ones I thought were ugly at the casting session look better today. I know, I’m a bitch. I’m ugly myself, so it’s fine. The redhead with the enormous hair seems to be captivating Steve. Steve, by the way, is totally impressed with all the career women Patti brought for him. I’m glad he’s open to this.

Oh, but then someone asks if he has a kid. He says, “Not any longer.” Oh no, oh no, oh no. That wasn’t the right ambiguous answer, Steve Jeejones!    He starts to tell the story of the adoption and break-up and whatnot, with Patti grimacing in the corner, and then abruptly changes the topic to ask another woman a question about her career. Phew.

That Jen lady we saw get picked to meet Gary?  She got extensions put in and really boobed it up for Gary. Patti’s pleased, and I think Gary is too. Also, she looks like Megan from Rock of Love/I Love Money. Gary starts grilling her about traveling and about her Christian habits. Yuck. He’s too intense about all of this, no wonder he’s single. What a pig. This isn’t a farmer’s market, you can’t squeeze the peaches like that.

Time for some mini-dates.  Steve chose the redhead and the psychic. Gary?  He picked Lachelle first. When Patti told him Lachelle is a virgin, you could practically hear the teeth of Gary’s zipper straining against the deluge of his erection. Okay, I just grossed myself out, I do NOT want to think about this guy’s crotch. Also, Lachelle needs to cool it with the brow pencil like whoa.

Gary also kinda liked Jen, except she was a bit too much.  Wait wait wait, he’s the one who talked about wanting a big boobed Bible thumping blonde, a Jessica Simpson-esque chick, and that’s exactly what he got. And she’s not dumb, either!  But she’s “too much.” Patti’s pissed. Destin explains to Gary how Jen was more conservative at the casting session, and he relaxes.

Ew, first mini-date is Gary and Jen. He’s totally interviewing her. Like, it’s not warm and sexy at all. It’s awful. He asks “what do you have to offer a man?” FUCK YOU, GARY. Jen looks appropriately taken aback and asks us, away from Gary, what HE has to offer a woman!  Condescension, Jen. Condescension and gold bracelets. He is totally an egotist, too, talking about her having to come into HIS world, etc. She’s like, “um, okay, that’s fine, I can jump into his world, and then I can just as easily jump back out!” I like Jen!

Patti comes to end the minidate and stays to reprimand Gary for being a big fucking asshole. “You’re not ordering a car or a pizza.”  It’s romance, you idiot. How someone can be this bad with emotional intelligence and be a motivational speaker, I don’t know.

Sally, the redhead, really needs to blink more often. She’s kinda like a V-monster, the ones from the 80s that scared the shit out of me. She and Steve seem to hit it off. He’s not grilling her, because he’s not an asshole.

Lachelle meets with Gary, and he wants to know more about her “spiritual walk.” And by “spiritual walk,” he means her virginity. The virginity he intends to take with his ugly, egotistical crotch. Ew, I did it again!!! Anyway, she’s been a speaker at abstinence rallies and is a grad student in religious studies. Yikes.  Good luck cracking that nut, Gary.

So, who’d they choose? Steve chose Sally. Kinda a given. I thought Gary was going to choose Lachelle, but he picked Jen instead.  Maybe he knows it’s too much to take a virgin. But really, I think Jen was just prettier. Sorry, Lachelle. (See also, bigger boobs.)

In the “We’re Back, No We’re Not!” segment this week, we watch a redheaded comedy writer get the hard interview question with “Make us laugh.”  She does some quick schtick about being from Jersey, and it’s not funny, which isn’t her fault because she was put on the spot, and she’s like, “I’m more into sketch and improv,” and Patti’s like, “I’m from Jersey, don’t knock Jersey.”  And done.

Time for dates!

Gary meets Jen at some spa, and he loves her boobs and pencil skirt. She looks bemused. You know she’s not into this at all. She wants TV time and a fun story to tell the girls over mojitos.  By the way, she’s got some sort of rigor happening in her mouth when she talks. She looks like I Love Money Megan until she talks. I still like her.

Pretty clear he’s paying for her company, right? I mean that to insult Gary, not Jen.

So Gary’s treating Jen to a spa day with a nice pedicure and facial. And he’ll be the one doing both treatments! Yuck!  So, Jen sits in the pedicure chair and the salon worker shows Gary how to remove polish, how to file toenails, the works. WTF. He DOES have the “get that other foot out of the water, lady” hand gesture down pretty quickly, though.

Gary knows this is unorthodox, but he thinks Jen enjoyed it. One look at her face tells us all otherwise.  Then she starts really thinking Gary is touched, because he starts talking about her being pregnant with his “baby girl twins,” massaging her feet carefully to not disturb the children. What a fucking weirdo.

Now it’s time for a facial. Jen keeps frowning, her hands twisted in her lap like mine when I’m getting a filling at the dentist.  Gary keeps imploring Jen to talk to him about her tension. Well, idiot, it has to do with you hovering over her personal space, touching her too much, and making creepy comments about her being pregnant with your creepy twins!

Steve Jeejones, on the other hand, takes Sally on a surfing lesson. He likes her bod in shorts. She’s a little freaked out about the ocean, but she’s a good sport and goes along with it.  They practice in the sand a little, and then they head out into the water.  Sally gets all competitive about it, excited about being able to school Steve. Whatever. Stand up on the board first, then talk trash. Oh, there she goes. Steve, not so good.

Oh, he’s wearing part of his wetsuit. I was going to call him out for having a lumpy, weird body.

Now Jen and Gary are at dinner.  He’s got a giant pimple on his chin. Jen latches onto this pimple, so to speak, and uses it as an opportunity to grill Gary. What does HE have to offer a woman? A big pimple, that’s what!  Also, some relaxation, that someone else will take care of you a little bit.  “You can be the woman.” Jen’s actually on board with this, she’s tired of wearing the pants in the relationship. I don’t blame you, Jen. I’m the same way.  My boyfriend started wearing the pants for me, which is lovely. When we moved me in here, HE was the one carrying the heavy stuff, not me! Also, I hope Jen doesn’t mind that I’m calling her Jen, not Jennifer.

“I wrote you a weird, creepy card!”

Jen’s actually feeling better about Gary at this point.  He’s opened up, he’s doing less interviewing, and he’s saying fewer creepy things about his baby girl twins.  He hands her a card.  Aww, that’s sweet.  Oh wait, then he tells her, in a coaching voice, “Read it out loud…”  Should she also put the lotion on her skin when she is told?

The card. Jen either can’t read his writing or pretends she can’t so HE has to read it for her, which he does. It’s all about meeting her at the mixer, her smile, those twin baby girls, and it’s in poem form. Wow. Anyway, he asks for a second date, she agrees to it, and that’s that, I guess. Wow.

Steve and Sally have washed off the salt water and are at dinner. Sally’s on a mission, and that mission is to find out what the fuck Steve Jeejones was talking about at the mixer when he said he didn’t have a kid anymore. He’s open to talking about it, but it does sound like hogwash when he explains that his ex had a way to get men to do things. Sally blinks more than usual, which is the regular amount, and squinches her face as she tries to understand.

“So you’re saying that you’re a sucky dad.”

Steve starts to get red around the collar, literally, as Sally keeps asking. She wants to know why he didn’t fight for those kids. He refuses to get into the details. That’s fair. It’s not really first-date material.  He gets a little too defensive, telling her “you weren’t there, you don’t know…”  Okay, cool it, dude.  She just wants to know that he’ll advocate for HER children, were it to come to that. He’s like, “ENOUGH,” and asks her about her hobbies. She ain’t happy about being shut down.  And THIS is why Steve dates waitresses.

“Stop challenging me and bring me my diet Coke refill!”

All done, let’s check in with Patti. She calls Jen first, who tells all but summarizes it by saying he’s a nice guy and she had a good time. Gary comes strolling in, happy as a pig in shit. He had a great time, is looking forward to the second date. When asked if Jen met all the five non-negotiables, he admits she didn’t. She’s not “domesticated,” but he’s okay with that. See, dude? Chemistry. Back off your fucking laundry/grocery lists.

Then they call Sally. She’s very terse about the whole “used to have a kid” situation. I wish there were captions because I couldn’t totally understand what she was saying. Patti tries to sell Steve for being honest about it and upfront, but Sally is dead-set on hating him for it. Patti thanks her abruptly and hangs up.

Steve comes in to meet with Patti. He admits that the dinner portion of the date didn’t go so well. Patti gives him some coaching, that when you’re actually dating in your league, you may need to have a few bad dates before you start hitting your stride. Steve really does need to retrain himself a bit, and this was a good start. What he really needs to do is find an appropriate way to have this conversation about the kid situation where he’s able to be honest, reserve some of the facts, and not scare women away. Patti just tells him to not talk about it until the 4^th or 5^th date.  That, too. Patti’s convinced that once Steve fixes this daughter situation a bit, he’ll find love.   They hug.

Captions of Truth! Hit me with it! Well, no surprise that Sally and Steve didn’t see each other again. The captions say that he’s found his daughter and is working on that relationship. Nice!  As for Gary and Jen?  It says “they’ve continued dating.” Which means nothing, thanks.

Next week!  I’ll finally be totally unpacked, AND we’ve got a new episode to talk about.  Oh, and Ayinde is back!!!  I loved him the first time around. Not loving the goatee this time, but I’ll give him a shot. Then there’s some meathead who appears to have cauliflower ear, talking shit about his ex-wife.  Looks like Patti freaks out at someone too. Come back and talk about it with me!