Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Tennis and Screeching

Hey ‘Gasmii! This season of Millionaire Matchmaker is limping to a close. This is the second to last episode of the season, so I hope you’re preparing your goodbye speeches! (Don’t worry, there are two reunion shows to drag things out further. Miss Stanger won’t go away quietly!)

Let’s get to it!

We open in some comedy club, Pachenga?, where Patti’s doing a “stand up seminar.” You know, one of those seminars where she teaches women the five-second flirt and to not be redheads.

Patti pulls a “hot guy” up on stage and then asks for a “hot girl”. Meanwhile, most of the audience are not hot guys or girls. Honestly. She has the guy mock-hit on the girl. It’s kinda awkward, but that’s because they’re on stage in front of a hundred people with Patti staring at them. When the guy bonks it a little, Patti reaches over to physically check if he has a penis. How she hasn’t been sued for sexual harassment is beyond me.

And now it’s time to meet our two millionaires for the week. Patti arrives at her office in her plastic surgery finest. Seriously, this shot alone shows all the work that’s been done

It’s a little Priscilla Presley looking, don’tcha think?

She’s all happy when she arrives because Destin’s got a fresh paperback of her book, hot off the presses. What book is it? I can’t see from here. Oh lord, fine, I’ll Google it. It takes me a while because her marketing sucks, but it’s that “Be Your Own Matchmaker” book. Which apparently has good reviews on Amazon! Who knew?

Anyway, Rachel’s millionaire this week is Marcellus Wiley, and I keep wanting to say “Marcellus Wallace.” That’s an entirely different hook-up, though. Marcellus used to play for the Bills, and now he’s an ESPN commentator with his own radio show. He’s adorable, and apparently he’s pretty smart. (And was a national type-writing champion?? How cute!) Patti crows, “I’m wet!” Yuck!

“She’s gotta be THIS awesome, which is a little scary!”

Anyway, he’s looking for a super-awesome woman. He’s got high standards. Sophia Vergara or Beyonce are his celebrity crushes, and Patti better find him a woman who’s smart, athletic, funny, and really got it going on. Because of these high standards, he sounds like he might be a bit of a dick about finding the right girl. Patti’s wetness dries up a little and she looks concerned. He says he’s here to get advice on looking in the right place, but I’m pretty sure he wants advertising for his radio show.

Patti notices that Marcellus performs in dating like he’s conducting an interview. That is, he removes all personal feeling and just asks questions, digging down to really get the dirt. That’s probably not the best move romantically, so Patti will coach him around that.

The other guy is Michael. He’s a musician? Really? Not from what I saw later in the episode, but okay. Anyway, he’s 58 years old and really enjoys the company of girls in their 20s or 30s. Yuck.

“I’m wearing a sport coat and some weird vest like a 58-year-old!”

Honestly, Michael doesn’t look terrible for 58, but he DOES look like he’s trying too hard. (Sexypanda hates people who try too hard.) He’s not like my Dad at 58, though, I’ll tell you! But he DOES remind me of Christopher Knight! Who’s, like, 54 or something.

Hot at 54. Michael could learn a thing or two from Chris.

Oh, Michael used to manage the Chippendales. Not the chipmunks (that’s Chip n’ Dale). The male revue dancers. He’s, like, the godfather of male revue. He says he’s never failed in life. Really.

He’s kind of a dick when he talks about his requirements for his match. She’s gotta be petite and fit, no bigger than a size 3 or 4. The requirements are tighter for those women in their 30s. As if any woman in her 20s or 30s is attracted to anything about you besides your money!

His last girlfriend was Miss Philippines 2004. Ah, the whole Asian element going for the older white man. (I have no idea what I’m talking about. I sound racist, don’t I?) He’s also wearing a lot of man jewelry. Four or five rings? That’s four or five rings too many, bub. Patti hates his ageism.

And I think Destin needs a nap!

And now she’s gotta go have lunch with him! Oh wow, he really looks like Bobby Brady here. His eyebrows are a little different (weird), but otherwise, he looks a lot like him. He’s dressed way too young for a 58-year-old, wearing some douchey buttondown with words printed on it and more man-jewelry.

He immediately compliments Patti on looking great and being “so skinny.” Ah, she’s going to lap that right up, and then she’s going to slap your ageist ass!

“I try too hard!”

And then we get the extended intro. Michael’s got an 80s sensibility in his decorating taste, and he’s got a little black dog that is very cute. He’s also an entrepreneur (aren’t they all?), a real estate broker, a golf course owner, a songwriter, and, oh, that’s it. He owns 10 homes and says he’s been called “Hugh Hefner Jr.” Ew. (That’s because of the male dancer thing, I guess.) He’s had plenty of time to “play” and now is thinking about settling down.

We watch him drive around in a nice black car, but he ruins it by singing loudly along with some “rock” song on the radio. His man-jeweled hands pound on the steering wheel. He says he doesn’t care the age of whom he dates (but he doesn’t like dating older women). (So then you do care, idiot.)

It’s very Bobby Brady “Time to Change” when we watch him singing in a recording booth. He’s singing in a key that’s too high for him, and he’s screechy. Give it up, Michael!

Basically, the extent of their lunch is Patti brow-beating him about wanting to date younger women. He insists, and she insists back. He says it’s because he wants children. She tells him to get a surrogate or adopt. He shakes his head. So really, this begs the question: is she supposed to make him happy no matter what, or is she supposed to use her matchmaker prowess to find what he says he wants? I think it’s meant to be the latter, but the millionaires always think it’s the former.

Anyway, he likes Mila Kunis, who’s about twelve years old. Patti is like, “No fucking way, pick someone your own age.” Heather Locklear. Ah, a blast from the 80s past. Perfect.

Did Patti just say “pizza de resistance”?

Now Patti heads to ESPN to meet with Marcellus. I keep looking for the bandaid on the back of his neck, but I can’t quite see it.

Anyway, extended intro. This one makes me laugh, because he doesn’t take it that seriously. When he’s walking along the water’s edge on the beach, a rogue wave sweeps up and threatens to soak his whole outfit. He flits out of the way as well as a 6’5” guy can, then looks right at the camera over yonder and laughs. When other people are shown driving their hot cars down the PCH, they stare ahead and ignore the camera. Not Marcellus! He looks over and flashes a peace sign. Rowr.

He’s adorable.

Patti lays it all out for him about the interview-mode stuff. Don’t do it. She asks for his hand, and he thinks she’s going for a high-five, but she actually wants to smack his hand. (I once got a weird guy at work in trouble for doing that to me. I did something wrong on some report he had to check, and he reached over and smacked my hand. I was pissed!)

Anyway, Marcellus’s last relationship ended kinda recently, and it was two years long. (Patti does some quick astrology about it, too, which is weird and fun, but weird.) What does he want? The best. A woman who’s strong and smart and awesome, who brings it. “That gives you wood, huh?” Patti asks. YES IT DOES.

It’s time to find dates for these guys. So for Marcellus, we’re looking for strong, smart, beautiful women with strong energy. And for Michael, Patti’s going to purposely aim older, to prove something to ageist Michael.

“It says here that you are super unattractive…?”

I’ll spare you the drama (or non-drama) that unfolds here, because it’s all very forgettable. Basically, Patti screens a bunch of African-American women for Marcellus, and some of them have terrible weaves that Patti insist get fixed before the mixer. One woman has natural hair in a poofy semi-fro (but polished, what is that ‘do called?), and Patti insists she gets extensions. Honestly, there probably are men who like that natural look, but I bet Marcellus isn’t one of them.

The one on the left just got TOLD because she doesn’t have a job that helps her support herself. Go, Patti!

WHOA

For Michael, Patti talks to a bunch of women who lied heavily about their ages. There was only one or maybe two who were believable when they said their age. The others? Well, a forty-year-old doesn’t look sixty. Usually. These women did. They looked lovely for their age, but their age wasn’t forty.

Oh, and then there was the girl with the blond, frizzy weave who insisted her body was better than Patti’s, and Patti got all aggressive with her but in a word-flubbing way, honestly, and it wasn’t really all that interesting.

Oh, and remember that Maria chick who is a stunt-woman and went out, I think, with some guy earlier this season? She’s got a HUGE mouth? She’s been cast for the mixer, too.

Mixer time! Wow, all those women took Patti’s advice about getting nice extensions. That really scary girl looks almost normal (WHAT was she doing before??!). The guys get acquainted back stage, and then we’re off! Again, not a whole hell of a lot to report here, but I can give you the highlights.

That’s the “WHOA” chick!  She took off the gobs of white eyeshadow, too. Thank God.

I love Monique’s “say what?” face. She does it the whole episode.

Michael basically looks really disappointed and maybe a little pissed that there weren’t younger women there for him. Patti warned you! Try taking the advice, dude. Young women aren’t marriage material (for you).

Marcellus starts off a little rough, asking the group of girls standing around him questions about sports. Only Monique, a really cute girl who almost went out with Ayinde a few episodes ago, speaks up to say she went to a school in Texas and that it automatically makes her a bit of a football nut. The rest of them are kinda like, “huh?”

Patti pulls him aside to stop this nonsense. Don’t talk sports!

And then there are mini-dates. Again, nothing exciting to report. Michael picks Aggie, some boobalicious Hungarian chick who seems kinda boring, and Rolana, a very pretty and warm brunette who seems awesome. Marcellus picks Maria, the stunt woman chick with the out-of-control mouth, and Monique, the sassy smart girl who had a mini-date with Ayinde a few weeks ago.

Marcellus and Monique have a pretty nice little mini-date. You can see the chemistry. She’s tall, and he’s enormous, and they’re both smart and fun. He talks about living on the beach, about how he used to be afraid of the ocean. Monique brags about being a good swimmer, actually, and that she’ll even swim without a cap, cuz she’s got “good hair.” Ah, who else saw that Chris Rock movie?

(So you know how there’s that whole stereotype about how black people can’t swim? One time, I was talking to a guy I’d met on Match.com, and I was telling him about how I do triathlons. He said, “Maybe I’d like to do one sometime.” The first question I asked was, “Can you swim?” I PROMISE you, cross my heart and hope to die, that anyone I talk to about triathlon, if they ask me about it, that’s the first question I ask, because it’s the part of the event most people freak out about the most. But as soon as I asked it of THIS guy, I was like, “OH SHIT I JUST SAID SOMETHING RACIST.” Because he was black. I don’t even know if he picked up on it, but my white guilt had me cringing.) (He said he could swim, by the way.)

Anyway, time for Michael’s date with Aggie. They mostly talk about having children, and she’s very Eastern European in her stern replies about having been a nanny, knowing what it takes. Michael looks a little scared.

Boobs!

Then Marcellus meets with Maria. We don’t see very much of their date. You can tell that Maria really loves that “gotcha” moment with men when she tells them she’s a stunt woman, that she shoots guns at the gun range. It’s already getting old for me, and I’ve only seen it twice.

Michael and Rolana have their minidate, and it’s much better than his date with Aggie. Rolana seems to be so easy to talk to, so friendly and outgoing. They talk about their dogs, and then they talk about age. She’s 44, and she’s looking good. I wouldn’t guess her as much younger than mid-40s, but she’s aging gracefully and looks age-appropriate.

So who’d our guys pick? I’m sure you already know. Marcellus picked Monique, and Michael picked Rolana! Hooray! Let’s get to those master dates!

In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, Mara, the intern, is working the desk during one of Patti’s events. I guess it’s that stand-up seminar we saw earlier. Patti’s signing people up as quickly as possible for her dating site. A girl wants to sign up with “Jenny” as her user name. Patti advises her to make it “Jennylicious.” Basically add “-licious” to everything. Oh, and Destin would be “Alternative Guy.” Yes, because that’s enticing.

Dates dates dates!

Marcellus and Monique meet for a round of tennis in Beverly Hills. A tennis match? A game of tennis? I don’t know, and I don’t care a whole lot. What an attractive couple! Neither of them really knows how to actually play real tennis, so they just volley for a while. That’s fun, I really like just volleying. I used to kill time as a kid just volleying a ball against a wall by myself. Fun fun fun.

They really do seem to be having fun. And they’re not getting too sweaty. See, I’d be a sweaty mess on that date, but it’d be worth it. Hot yoga, not so much. Marcellus really likes to chatter away, doesn’t he? He has commentary on EVERYTHING. But the commentary is cute, especially when he’s bragging about having gotten a kiss from Monique at the end of the game.

Time to join Michael and Rolana, whose date is almost already in progress. And it’s a hot-air balloon date, the first date of Patti’s dreams! Rolana’s apparently afraid of heights. But she’s being a good sport. (And again, I have to mention the movie/book “Enduring Love.” Anyone ever see it? Just me??) Michael has her house-hunting from the air. I can’t tell if he’s trying to show off, or if he’s trying to distract her from her nervousness about being up so high. She giggles about it, whatever the motivation was. Michael really likes her, thinks her beauty is natural and that she feels like home. Awww.

“Get off of me.”

Marcellus and Monique head off to dinner, after cleaning off all the sweat and grime of their tennis game. Monique has to remind Marcellus that she’s not really into sports, just runs and does yoga. Then he asks if she cooks (cornbread and spaghetti, nothing else). Then he asks if she eats vegetables. (She doesn’t.) Okay, Miss Beautiful Engineer is starting to show some cracks in her veneer. I don’t care what you say, someone who says, “I don’t like vegetables” doesn’t have a developed palate, and I automatically think of them as immature. From Marcellus’s reaction, I think he agrees just a little bit.

Then he asks about her last relationship, and she stops him cold. She’s kinda right, that you shouldn’t discuss exes on the first date. Yeah, but you can discuss your last relationship, at least in terms of length and how long ago it was, ya know? That’s a fair question. But okay. Marcellus likes it, though. I guess he’s used to women kinda fawning over him because he’s Marcellus Wiley. But Monique is giving him that “hey, I’m something kinda awesome myself” vibe, and he likes it.

“Say what?”

Michael’s arranged a by-the-book romantic dinner for Rolana. There’s a string quartet playing, and he’s arranged for them to sit in the barrel room at some wine-heavy restaurant. Their date seems really nice and genuine, actually, which is nice to see. They talk about their dogs, which are their babies, really. And they want to get their babies together for a play date. Cute!

Then Michael starts singing. More specifically, he has a piano stashed somewhere, and he wrote a song for Rolana, and he’s singing it and she’s crying and it’s about angels and I feel a little queasy. I’m all for romance, but this is a bit much. Especially since he just met her, so he really just took some random generic love song and sang it to her. And she couldn’t shut up during it. “Oh my gosh, this is.. wow…oh my…wow.” Oh, and his CD (which he’s probably on the show to promote), he’s got a dedication to Rolana. Ugh. I just hate people singing earnestly.

“When it’s time to change…”

Oh, ew, then they kiss, and it goes from “oh, that’s a nice, sensual smooch” to “HOLY SHIT, HE”S GOING TO EAT HER AND MOUTH-RAPE HER” very quickly. Yuck.

So, post-date followup. Monique reports favorably, so when Marcellus comes in, Patti is all smiles. They’ve even got the second date already lined up—for that night!

I think this is the first time a millionaire came back for the followup wearing a casual t-shirt. Is that a landscaper company’s shirt or something?  ha!

Michael comes in, after Patti talks to Rolana, and he literally gets on his knees and bows down to Patti. Ugh. Overdoing it, Michael. She asks about the kiss, and he says he wished he could have dipped her. Is he trying to mimic romantic movies or something? Do people actually dip in real life—without trying to mimic Hollywood?! Well, whatever. Patti’s proud of him for overcoming his ageism.

Captions of Truth! What say you? Well, for all his hooraying, Michael and Rolana only went out one more time. As for Marcellus and Monique, they’ve gone out a few times. Well? What does THAT mean?

Next week! It’s our last week of dates and such, and it’s PATTI who’s getting matched. Miss Stanger herself will be subjected to the whole mixer and mini-date and master date. It looks like some horseback riding is in her future. And then after that, we’ve got those reunion shows. Come back, suffer through it with me, please!!!

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