Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Touchin’ and Wrasslin’

Recaps

By SexyPanda | Friday, February 22, 2013 | 9:00 am | 12 Comments
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Posted in: Millionaire Matchmaker, Recaps

Why hello, ‘Gasmic friends! So glad to see you back for another round of Millionaire Matchmaker! This one was pretty good, so I’ll stop introducing and start recapping!

Random intro of the week greets Rachel and Destin playing with some Ugly Meter app on the iPad. Rachel makes Destin do it, and he looks good and angry in the photo it takes, which makes me laugh. He scored a 20 out of 100, which ain’t bad (100 is totally ugly, right? Or is zero ugly? Shit, I need to know!). Anyway, the app says Destin’s face is “borderline offensive.” I like that insult, I’m going to use it soon. My giggles turn to all out laughter when Patti arrives at work, asking what’s going on. “I’m ugly,” Destin grumps. LOL.

Okay, so who are we hooking up this week? Right away, we meet Rachel’s guy first, who is a wrestler guy named Matt. (I saved my recap under the file name “wrestler guy ep,” by the way.) He’s a 28 year old sand and gravel magnate in Arkansas whose motto is “24/7/365.” Oh, so he’s a convenience store? Awesome. Let’s watch the intro video.

First of all, this guy reminds me of a douchebag I work with, the former football star who’s washed up and drinking by 3PM on the daily. He’s walked around our parking garage at work in just a windbreaker with no shirt. He routinely wears button-down shirts with no undershirt, half-unbuttoned. His pants are too short. He once changed from flip-flops into his work shoes and his flops sat undisturbed in the parking garage for a week. Like, I parked next to them for a week. He does the bro-nod to everyone, calls people “chief” and “buddy,” or approaches groups of women with “What’s up, girls?” The girls he’s talking to are usually 50+. Wow, that was a lot about this quasi-Vince Vaughn guy I work with, but his tale had to be told.

So Millionaire Matt is wearing some black-camo blazer with a purple t-shirt. He’s got a cute accent, though, I’ll give him that. He refers to his hometown as Russ-Vegas (I think it’s actually Russelville or something?), then calls himself “the prize bass, stud stallion of the natural state.” Okay. Destin cackles at this declaration. When he tells us about his wrestling stuff, a pic of him in a white bathing suit thing comes up, and Patti says, “He looks like a big baby in a diaper.” And he does! Apparently, he’s a well-enough ranked wrestler. I’m newly into wrestling (what else is there to watch on Friday nights? We flip between that and Wipeout), so I’m interested. Tell us more.
Then he rambles about being a small-town country boy, but believes he can find love in LA. Sure, no sweat, it’s not a land of fakery and deceit at all. His celebrity crush is Anna Kendrick, whom I have to Google since I don’t immediately know who that is. And he loves when women fight over him (and they do?). Huh. Patti gives him the side-eye. She thinks he’s going to have to tone down the hack wrestler bit and grow some sophistication if he’s going to be successful with love in LA.

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About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

12 Comments

  1. 1
    Wendy
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    This episode was cute. I thought Matt should have picked the other girl, but it looks like he got along well with his date.

    Definitely looking forward to next week’s episode. Looks like it’s going to be a train wreck!

  2. 2
    Jaime Sommers
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Did anyone else get a “in 30 years” tall praying mantis Ann from America’s Next Top Model vibe? Ann was the super tall super awkward deep-voiced model who had zero sexual energy. I got the same thing from Aimee–Some people just give off a neutered stuffed animal feeling to me. Poor lady :(

    Great recap Sexy Panda! Also, I’m a completely straight female, but I think you’re very pretty!

    I can’t wait to see Robin next week. Her sloppy fat date with Luke the Plumber was discomfort GOLD

  3. 3
    L Chienne
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 7:00 am

    lol re Ann. She was surprised every time she won, though. Very humble. Aimee was painful to watch because she thought she was sexy and deserving of hot men. ::shivers::

  4. 4
    Casey
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Matt’s line about the jacuzzi, patron, and subway cookies made me laugh out loud.

    I also am soooo excited for next week. just looking at that picture of her huge smile with no lips makes me laugh

  5. 5
    Claire
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    The story about your co worker was hilarious

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    @Sexy Panda ROFL Too bad your co worker’s not a millionaire. It sounds like he’d be a great episode. If Patti didn’t pull a Zolciak and yank her mike off and run out hollering.

    When Aimee 1st started going on about boys touching her I had to go slap my rusted out old gaydar a couple of times in case it was trying to beep.

    But after she talked about it some more I got it. She’s been mostly going on 1st dates with boys she’s not really attracted to. And everybody knows how awkward that is. If somebody that’s been auto-friendzoned from the get go so much as holds your hand.

    The wrestler kind of reminded me of Sean from the Bachelor. Not his looks. But the old ways he keeps. The girl he picked was probably the closest Patti could come up with.

    I can’t wait for the return of Hello Kitty next week!

  7. 7
    TNTlover
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I CANNOT wait for the return of Hello Kitty. My hubbie and I still quote, \Maserati, Dukati…\.

  8. 8
    NatPatBen
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 6:27 am

    You have beautiful eyes!

    When the bell rang, they were saying any non-physical reason to get rid of who they didn’t want, I think… even if that reason isn’t actually something that’s a negative to them.

    I thought her choice of shoe was odd for a dancing date. Those shoes did not look comfortable for dancing. Also, her style of dress bares too much.

    I find the Hello Kitty woman cringe-worthy.

  9. 9
    SexyPanda
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Thanks, everyone!

    I should have added to the coworker tale that he likes to answer, when asked how he’s doing, “Livin’ the dream.” Oh, yeah? Your dream entails driving a broke-ass POS and creeping girls out? Awesome for you! Living the dream. Stupid.

    I hope Aimee got something from this. I remember being paralyzed earlier in my dating days about the first kiss. For a while, it was this great white whale that freaked me the fuck out and made me awful on dates. Then I somehow got over it and dating turned into no big deal. Maybe Aimee’s on her way…

  10. 10
    whorewatcher
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Such a great recap! And LOVED the co-worker story. Everybody has worked with/met a guy like that at some point. I worked with a guy who would never just say, “I’m going to the gym.” It was always, “Going to LIFT today.” Sheesh.

  11. 11
    Jason
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Aimee struck me as a socially awkward dork with the sex appeal of day old chicken mcnuggets. The way she referred to reestyle dancing as if it were some well-known genre was sad and pathetic.

  12. 12
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    @SexyPanda I know what you mean. What I used to do was take refuge in the friendly kiss both cheeks custom. Whether it was a date or not.

    That way if I’d friend zoned the guy, when he moved in, I’d grab him and give him the same double cheeks kiss he’d seen me give girls, boys, Drag Queens and their Auntie MeeMaw.

    But have one foot already back, so right after the kiss you just shift your weight, twirl, wave, smile big and in the door!

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