Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Touchin’ and Wrasslin’

Recaps

By SexyPanda | Friday, February 22, 2013 | 9:00 am | 12 Comments
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Posted in: Millionaire Matchmaker, Recaps

Destin’s millionaire this week is an –ess. Her name is Aimee, a 49-year-old two-time divorcee from Vegas. She’s very direct and doesn’t wear makeup, her hair’s a little flat, and her voice is a little deep. She’s super skinny. She’s a real estate investor who currently owns 24 houses. That’s a lot of houses! She also just wrote and published a book about becoming a millionaire. Self-published, I’m sure.

Yep.

This chick’s schtick is that she doesn’t like to be touched. More specifically, she doesn’t want a first date thinking he has rights to paw at her. So no first kiss, no sex before monogamy (Patti would be proud), but not even a little electric flirt? Just a simple knee bump or arm-touch conveys a TON on a first date. Such a shame she’s so cold and closed off. Patti knows the no-touching rule is just a control thing, which she’ll have to work to break.

Patti heads right out to meet Matt at some chicken-and-waffles joint. Matt’s already seated, digging into a big plate of grub. He’s got a purple velvet blazer on, and it’s not good. He also apparently gave a weak handshake, so Patti makes him do it again, telling him “this is the cock, make it hard.” Wow. Well, my apologies for suggesting in last week’s recap that he might be gay, but can you see how I got to that conclusion?

Immediate swooshing into the extended video intro!! Matt Riviera, net worth of 5.5 million. We see him standing amongst his cars in his driveway and pushing up his glasses atop a pile of crushed rock. Ha! We see more clips of him wrestling, and the black onesie is a much better look for him. We see some wacky posed wrestling-ish photos of him in a suit while he rattles off his glorified descriptors (“ladies’ man, an international playboy, the loverboy,” etc.) I think he’s kinda adorable as he makes a smoothie in his kitchen whilst wearing a leopard print robe and his glasses. He’s not blending NOXplode, is he?? Bad news, dude! That shit is unstable (says my husband, who makes crazy sounds as he chokes his down before every workout).

Once you go Matt, you’ll never go back. So he says.

Eh, we’ll see.

Back to the restaurant, Patti and Matt are chatting it out. He’s wearing a weird/ugly necklace, by the way. Isn’t that the one I lost at Busch Gardens when I was 12? I think it is! Thanks for finding it and keeping it safe, Matt!

Anyway, Patti’s skeptical of Matt’s whole 24/7 ladies’ man routine, noting that men who actually do sleep around like that don’t go bragging about it. She’s right! So what’s the deal? He explains that there’s the entertainer and then there’s the real him. Right. And…? Patti don’t curr about the entertainer, she needs to get to know the real him. Why is she fixing him up? You can tell he was coached to say, “It’s time I settle down,” because it doesn’t come out naturally. And what 29 year old man who’s in wrestling and wearing leopard print robes around the house wants to lock down just one vagina for all time? None I know!

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About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

12 Comments

  1. 1
    Wendy
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    This episode was cute. I thought Matt should have picked the other girl, but it looks like he got along well with his date.

    Definitely looking forward to next week’s episode. Looks like it’s going to be a train wreck!

  2. 2
    Jaime Sommers
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Did anyone else get a “in 30 years” tall praying mantis Ann from America’s Next Top Model vibe? Ann was the super tall super awkward deep-voiced model who had zero sexual energy. I got the same thing from Aimee–Some people just give off a neutered stuffed animal feeling to me. Poor lady :(

    Great recap Sexy Panda! Also, I’m a completely straight female, but I think you’re very pretty!

    I can’t wait to see Robin next week. Her sloppy fat date with Luke the Plumber was discomfort GOLD

  3. 3
    L Chienne
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 7:00 am

    lol re Ann. She was surprised every time she won, though. Very humble. Aimee was painful to watch because she thought she was sexy and deserving of hot men. ::shivers::

  4. 4
    Casey
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Matt’s line about the jacuzzi, patron, and subway cookies made me laugh out loud.

    I also am soooo excited for next week. just looking at that picture of her huge smile with no lips makes me laugh

  5. 5
    Claire
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    The story about your co worker was hilarious

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    @Sexy Panda ROFL Too bad your co worker’s not a millionaire. It sounds like he’d be a great episode. If Patti didn’t pull a Zolciak and yank her mike off and run out hollering.

    When Aimee 1st started going on about boys touching her I had to go slap my rusted out old gaydar a couple of times in case it was trying to beep.

    But after she talked about it some more I got it. She’s been mostly going on 1st dates with boys she’s not really attracted to. And everybody knows how awkward that is. If somebody that’s been auto-friendzoned from the get go so much as holds your hand.

    The wrestler kind of reminded me of Sean from the Bachelor. Not his looks. But the old ways he keeps. The girl he picked was probably the closest Patti could come up with.

    I can’t wait for the return of Hello Kitty next week!

  7. 7
    TNTlover
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I CANNOT wait for the return of Hello Kitty. My hubbie and I still quote, \Maserati, Dukati…\.

  8. 8
    NatPatBen
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 6:27 am

    You have beautiful eyes!

    When the bell rang, they were saying any non-physical reason to get rid of who they didn’t want, I think… even if that reason isn’t actually something that’s a negative to them.

    I thought her choice of shoe was odd for a dancing date. Those shoes did not look comfortable for dancing. Also, her style of dress bares too much.

    I find the Hello Kitty woman cringe-worthy.

  9. 9
    SexyPanda
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Thanks, everyone!

    I should have added to the coworker tale that he likes to answer, when asked how he’s doing, “Livin’ the dream.” Oh, yeah? Your dream entails driving a broke-ass POS and creeping girls out? Awesome for you! Living the dream. Stupid.

    I hope Aimee got something from this. I remember being paralyzed earlier in my dating days about the first kiss. For a while, it was this great white whale that freaked me the fuck out and made me awful on dates. Then I somehow got over it and dating turned into no big deal. Maybe Aimee’s on her way…

  10. 10
    whorewatcher
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Such a great recap! And LOVED the co-worker story. Everybody has worked with/met a guy like that at some point. I worked with a guy who would never just say, “I’m going to the gym.” It was always, “Going to LIFT today.” Sheesh.

  11. 11
    Jason
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Aimee struck me as a socially awkward dork with the sex appeal of day old chicken mcnuggets. The way she referred to reestyle dancing as if it were some well-known genre was sad and pathetic.

  12. 12
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    @SexyPanda I know what you mean. What I used to do was take refuge in the friendly kiss both cheeks custom. Whether it was a date or not.

    That way if I’d friend zoned the guy, when he moved in, I’d grab him and give him the same double cheeks kiss he’d seen me give girls, boys, Drag Queens and their Auntie MeeMaw.

    But have one foot already back, so right after the kiss you just shift your weight, twirl, wave, smile big and in the door!

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