Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Touchin’ and Wrasslin’

Recaps

By SexyPanda | Friday, February 22, 2013 | 9:00 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Millionaire Matchmaker, Recaps

 

Sorry, but doesn’t he look a little Jason Gummy Bear Davis here? 

Anyway, Matt goes along with the “settling down” concept for a spell, telling Patti he wants to spill his seed into a fertile womb to create more Matts in the world. And he wants a stay at home wife who’s not lazy. Charming! When Patti asks what type of girl Matt wants, he says he’s usually most successful with the sweeter girls. No one aggressive, please. Patti promises to give him someone sweet as long as he promises to tone down Wrestler Matt.

“Romance in Arkansas is a Jacuzzi, a bottle of Patron, and some Subway cookies.” Hahahah. Those cookies are pretty awesome. “ Then he goes off in a wrestling tangent, about Loverboy, Mr. 5.5 “that’s net worth, not inches!!” (as he points two fingers in a cock-like way up near his face).

Comin’ at ya, ladies

Matt gets cocky with Patti, making a joke about how he won’t be able to control himself in a room full of attractive women. She’s like, “I know you’re putting on an act, I need you to grow up.” Well, not quite, but she asks him to be as Southern Gentlemanly as he can muster.

The other millionaire, Aimee, meets Patti at the office. I’m curious if Patti will try to out-alpha this control freak by sitting her in front of the desk and being stern, or if she’ll try to really get close and warm with her. We’ll see in a minute, first it’s the big ol’ video intro!

Meet Aimee Elizabeth, almost 50, real estate investor and author. Her book, “Povery Sucks! Plus subtitle about becoming a millionaire,” is apparently well-rated on Amazon. How about that? I read some of the reviews, and it sounds like the book is exactly what we’d expect—part self-help/motivational speaking, part memoir, and part how-to. Most people speak well of it. But it seems like Aimee made her money in real estate, right? Not this crappy-ish book.

Aimee tells us she doesn’t lead a frivolous life, and that is certainly true. She seems to have a nice home, but it’s so cold on the inside. All beige and no life. But all is forgiven when I see her sweet little kitty cat! The editors ham up the crazy cat lady angle, of course, but considering I spent 20 minutes kissing my own cats into oblivion before sitting down to write this, I don’t care. I’m crazy. Aimee is crazy. It’s all good.

A rare shot of me in this hizzy, smooching on my best little boy


Aimee has tried all the internet dating sites to no avail. She’s been single for the past five years, ouch. But it’s not helping that she’s all “don’t touch me.” Really not helping. But Aimee inexplicably likes to dance! With her partners! Her last marriage failed because the guy wasn’t a dancer. Well, what in the fuck is that about? My WTF is of two minds. 1) why marry the guy if he’s not into dancing? And 2) why is dancing SUCH A BIG DEAL? It’s so weird. Oh, by the way, she likes to dance “freestyle.” No touching. So why did it even matter? SO WEIRD.

Oh, she was just petting a turtle. Yep, that sums it all up for this chick. PETTING A TURTLE.

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About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

12 Comments

  1. 1
    Wendy
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    This episode was cute. I thought Matt should have picked the other girl, but it looks like he got along well with his date.

    Definitely looking forward to next week’s episode. Looks like it’s going to be a train wreck!

  2. 2
    Jaime Sommers
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Did anyone else get a “in 30 years” tall praying mantis Ann from America’s Next Top Model vibe? Ann was the super tall super awkward deep-voiced model who had zero sexual energy. I got the same thing from Aimee–Some people just give off a neutered stuffed animal feeling to me. Poor lady :(

    Great recap Sexy Panda! Also, I’m a completely straight female, but I think you’re very pretty!

    I can’t wait to see Robin next week. Her sloppy fat date with Luke the Plumber was discomfort GOLD

  3. 3
    L Chienne
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 7:00 am

    lol re Ann. She was surprised every time she won, though. Very humble. Aimee was painful to watch because she thought she was sexy and deserving of hot men. ::shivers::

  4. 4
    Casey
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Matt’s line about the jacuzzi, patron, and subway cookies made me laugh out loud.

    I also am soooo excited for next week. just looking at that picture of her huge smile with no lips makes me laugh

  5. 5
    Claire
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    The story about your co worker was hilarious

  6. 6
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    @Sexy Panda ROFL Too bad your co worker’s not a millionaire. It sounds like he’d be a great episode. If Patti didn’t pull a Zolciak and yank her mike off and run out hollering.

    When Aimee 1st started going on about boys touching her I had to go slap my rusted out old gaydar a couple of times in case it was trying to beep.

    But after she talked about it some more I got it. She’s been mostly going on 1st dates with boys she’s not really attracted to. And everybody knows how awkward that is. If somebody that’s been auto-friendzoned from the get go so much as holds your hand.

    The wrestler kind of reminded me of Sean from the Bachelor. Not his looks. But the old ways he keeps. The girl he picked was probably the closest Patti could come up with.

    I can’t wait for the return of Hello Kitty next week!

  7. 7
    TNTlover
    Posted February 23, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I CANNOT wait for the return of Hello Kitty. My hubbie and I still quote, \Maserati, Dukati…\.

  8. 8
    NatPatBen
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 6:27 am

    You have beautiful eyes!

    When the bell rang, they were saying any non-physical reason to get rid of who they didn’t want, I think… even if that reason isn’t actually something that’s a negative to them.

    I thought her choice of shoe was odd for a dancing date. Those shoes did not look comfortable for dancing. Also, her style of dress bares too much.

    I find the Hello Kitty woman cringe-worthy.

  9. 9
    SexyPanda
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Thanks, everyone!

    I should have added to the coworker tale that he likes to answer, when asked how he’s doing, “Livin’ the dream.” Oh, yeah? Your dream entails driving a broke-ass POS and creeping girls out? Awesome for you! Living the dream. Stupid.

    I hope Aimee got something from this. I remember being paralyzed earlier in my dating days about the first kiss. For a while, it was this great white whale that freaked me the fuck out and made me awful on dates. Then I somehow got over it and dating turned into no big deal. Maybe Aimee’s on her way…

  10. 10
    whorewatcher
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Such a great recap! And LOVED the co-worker story. Everybody has worked with/met a guy like that at some point. I worked with a guy who would never just say, “I’m going to the gym.” It was always, “Going to LIFT today.” Sheesh.

  11. 11
    Jason
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Aimee struck me as a socially awkward dork with the sex appeal of day old chicken mcnuggets. The way she referred to reestyle dancing as if it were some well-known genre was sad and pathetic.

  12. 12
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    @SexyPanda I know what you mean. What I used to do was take refuge in the friendly kiss both cheeks custom. Whether it was a date or not.

    That way if I’d friend zoned the guy, when he moved in, I’d grab him and give him the same double cheeks kiss he’d seen me give girls, boys, Drag Queens and their Auntie MeeMaw.

    But have one foot already back, so right after the kiss you just shift your weight, twirl, wave, smile big and in the door!

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