Millionaire Matchmaker Recap

“What?!  We’re still on the air?!”

Well hey, ‘Gasmii!  What are you doing here?  Oh, you got the memo that Bravo moved Millionaire Matchmaker to Tuesday nights?  Good!  I wonder how many people didn’t. And I wonder if that’s the point…

Well, let’s not rag too hard on Bravo, let’s just get on with the recap!

We open with Patti having lunch with a friend? A consultant? Both?  Chris Ruby, a social media guru. She’s got advice for Patti to really make her social networking/marketing pop. Her tips?  Go personal. Tweet five or six times a day with personal anecdotes and photos. Patti drops that a captain from Deadliest Catch picked her up last week. Oooh, was it the hot one? I love him. Then the conversation devolves into something about how matchmaking hasn’t changed, only the technology. Okay.

“So I should say things that are interesting?”

And now we’re at the office. Patti, Destin, and Rachel are chattin’ it up, discussing Patti’s love life. She’s like, “Meh.” (Side note, I hate “meh,” but I know everyone loves it, so I used it. Such a pandering panda.)  Basically, lots of hot 35 year olds are hitting on her, but she wants someone her own age who understands the pop culture references of her era. And she’s the same age as their moms.  Ew.

“I could be YOUR mother.”

So who are we matching this week?

It’s so stupid how they refer to the millionaires as “Destin’s” and “Rachel’s”. Bugs me every week.  Anyway, RACHEL’s millionaire is Bill, a redheaded software nerd who’s reportedly worth $10 million. Patti sneers at the mention of redhead, stating that she hates setting up redheads because “no one wants to date them.” At that precise moment, my boyfriend lays his hand on my leg and squeezes, telling me she’s very wrong.  HE wants to date me.  He IS dating me! And I have red hair!!!

Finally, a guy douchier than he is. (I kid, I kid. Destin’s not a douche at all!)

Later on, I’ll wonder to myself why this guy came to Patti to begin with, and then my naivete comes crashing down as I realize that he’s just there to promote his business.  How he’s worth $10 mil when I’ve never heard of his company (a faux PayPal, if you will), I’ll never know.  Have any of YOU heard of WePay before?

Nope.

Patti warms to this ginger a little, saying he looks a little like Eric Stoltz.  No, he doesn’t. He looks like a redheaded guy who likes to sit in front of a computer. He looks like a redheaded guy who wants to promote his business. He does NOT look like Eric Stoltz.

No one does. I KID!

Okay, not so bad.

Seriously, though, this guy doesn’t seem to actually need help. He’s friendly, not weird, seems like he’s not more socially awkward than any of the rest of us are. Patti plays along, though, as though he’s just a big old nerd who can’t get a girl.

Then it’s DESTIN’S millionaire, Skylar. Dudes are named Skylar?  Huh.  Anyway, Skylar is 23 years old, stands to inherit something like $40 million, and is basically a professional trust fund baby. Destin refers to him as an “MIT”—millionaire in training.  Oh yeah, we’ve heard this before.  Patti explains it some more, though, that MITs are baby millionaires that come to Patti to learn tips NOW so they can lock down the ladies later when they’re done partying and sleeping with girls who only want their money.

Anyway, Skylar is young and blonde and looks a lot like that asshole blonde guy from Karate Kid, the one who tormented Ralph Machio. He’s also Jewish, which causes Patti much pain. “Why am I not 23??”  She loves Skylar.

Yuck.

Skylar seems like a pretty big douche at first.  He says, “I’m a trust fund baby, sorry!” with a sneer.  Then he says, “Other people have to fake it til they make it, but I’ve already made it.”  No you haven’t. Your parents did. You just got jazzed into your mom, that’s all you did.

(Can you tell I’ve had a cocktail?)

“Yep.”

Skylar’s an “entrepreneur” and “night life host.”  So he does nothing all day and parties all night. He can take home any girl he wants.  So why does he want to get Patti’s help?  Well, for one, all the hot women he meets are airheads. He can’t stand it anymore.  He also sounds like a classic commitmentphobe, prone to the BBD (bigger, better deal).

“We’re a bunch of assholes! Now take the damn picture!”

We’ll talk about all that later. Bill’s coming in to meet with Patti. And here he is!  He’s definitely a ginger, but he’s more of the strawberry blonde type. His hair is electrically strawberry blonde, honestly.  And we leap right into his extended intro. We learn more about WePay, which I still have never heard of even though they just mentioned it two seconds ago.  We learn that Bill still drives a Nissan Maxima, still lives in a house with roommates and the company cofounder, that he’s basically the same guy he was before $10 mil. His dog still tongue kisses him with vigor.

Bill’s not only got the ginger thing working against him, he’s not that tall (5’8”) and lives in Palo Alto, which is a predominantly male town. He cites a ratio of eight men for every one woman. He wants a smart girl, someone who’s got similar interests and such. He hopes Patti will help him fish in a different pond.

Bill’s last relationship was about five months ago, and it died because he focused too much on work. Patti chides him about “making love” to his computer, not his girlfriend. As far as the celebrity crush, Bill likes Tina Fey’s personality and Anne Hathaway’s looks.  So, a smart/funny brunette.  Patti’s tip to help Bill, in general, is to sex him up a little. A sexy nerd usually gets the girl. (She’s right.) And no “technology” on the date.

Patti heads out to Skylar’s condo for the meet-and-greet. While they shake hands and hug, we get to watch the extended intro. He’s got a teal old-school convertible he loves to drive, which is refreshing.  And he’s got longer-than-average hair, which means it’s sometimes slicked back and sometimes flowing free.  We get to see both, with the additional bonus of it being held back by a headband while he works out. Tip, guys, if your hair is long enough to require a headband at the gym, it’s too long or you’re too pretty. Also, his sunglasses in the one convertible shot make him look a little like Thelma or Louise.

No captions necessary.

Oh, and when he’s at the club, he’s wearing one of those enormous knit hats that look like a beret gone berserk, like he’s hiding a head full of dreads under there.  Except he’s not. It looks stupid.

Anyway, Skylar needs Patti’s help to find a girl with more substance. He says. Then he says he’s never had a girlfriend for more than a month. A MONTH!  Patti asks HIM if he’s a commitmentphobe (in not so many words), but she wonders to US if he’s actually a virgin. Um, I doubt it. Anyway, Patti’s advice for Skylar is to lose the arrogance, at least when he’s talking to the ladies.

This next segment is dumb.  Jenny McCarthy’s here to help Patti, cuz they’re BFFs.  And what work has Jenny been doing lately?  Definitely some work on her face, but what acting/writing/whatever has she been doing since all that Dating-Jim-Carrey-and-writing-books-about-how-vaccines-gave-her-son-autism stuff?  Nothing?  Well, now she’s counseling pseudo-nerds on dating.

She was prettier before surgery!

Here’s Bill in a green sweater, looking like quite the leprechaun. Now if he were a true nerd, he’d have crapped his pants at seeing Jenny. Instead, he rolled with it and was like, “Okay, cool.”  The women, in the meantime, are having a BLAST treating Bill like he’s socially awkward and terrible with girls. I don’t think he’s terrible with girls, he’s just not meeting the women he likes in Palo Alto. Did he mention his business yet in this segment? Not yet!

Shiny fondles!

Patti’s wearing something really shiny. It’s too much. Shiny top and regular pants, or shiny pants and regular top. Not shiny top and shiny pants at the same time!

Bill has to do hitting-on-women role-playing, and he thinks he’s fine. He’s not bad, but Patti wants him to compliment Jenny, wants him to pay more attention to her drink. Jenny wants him to tell stories, not interrogate her.  She advises him to brush up on pop culture and celebrity gossip, cuz women love that.  I want to balk at that, but it’s true. At least for this woman.

This next part is really gross. Patti wants Bill to make sure he engages his date in a big ol’ French kiss on their date.  “Once around the block, and back around the block.” Jenny McC grabs the back of his head the way she wants to be grabbed in “the romance novel kiss.”  Bill maybe got a chubby at that. The final word is that if the kiss is bad, the whole thing is over. Too true.

Okay, it’s time to find some dates for these guys.  They need shorter, smart brunettes for Bill and pre-meltdown Britney Spears with a brain for Skylar.  Let’s go!

Well, first one is a trainwreck. She’s a stay-at-home mom, even though the dad isn’t in the picture. Huh, how does that work?  She’s a no. Another girl has auburn hair, and Patti’s like, “What color is your hair?”  Girl says, “Red. Brown-red.” Patti challenges her for coming to see her in the first place. MAN, get a grip! Anyway, Patti figures she’d be a good match for Bill. Redhead for a redhead. (Though her hair really is more like brown with a very dark red tint to it.) Oh, and the girl offers that it “doesn’t match down here.”  Awesome.

Some model chick comes in, and her eye makeup is really weird. Did you notice it, or was it just me?  Like, the bottom eyeliner was way too heavy and didn’t go all the way to the inside corner, and then she also waaaaay over-highlighted the inside corner of her eye, too, so her eyes just looked WEIRD.  And she had some weird zit on her cheek with too much cover-up or something. And she tried to explain why wearing heels worked for her even though she was already way tall, but her mom is short, and stride length and whatnot, and we were all lost.  Model included.  She sounds like an idiot. She’d normally be tossed aside, but Patti wants her in as a test for Skylar. Of COURSE she wants a test.

A mess.

Time to pick on one of the girls. This girl’s wearing a shapeless sleeveless floral dress with a loose belt.  It’s probably something a lazy fashion blogger wore, or was online on Ruche or something (or both!).  It doesn’t necessarily look bad for every day, but for Patti’s needs, it’s awful. And I guess the girl isn’t wearing a bra?  She looks surly as Patti insults the dress and her lack of cleavage. Then I wonder how far Patti’s gone when she goes up to the girl and manhandles her boobs into cleavage. Like, that’s not good.

Assault!

There’s another girl who’s cute in a bit of a plain way, and, actually, she reminds me of Mrs. Frisby from the Secret of NIMH. Oh no, I just compared her to a rat. It’s a mom rat, a very pretty mom rat, so it’s a compliment! I swear!  Really, it’s just the nose/teeth combo I’m focused on. She works in Vegas as a cocktail server, but she also seems pretty smart. They hope Bill goes for her.

And now it’s time for the mixer!  And it’s a pool party mixer!  Which means all those young girls are in their bikinis. Oh boy.  I’d HATE to participate in that, for a zillion reasons I won’t ever feel the need to divulge.  Would YOU want to stand around mostly nude, on TV, talking to nerds?  No. You wouldn’t.

Anyway, they mix. Bill starts talking to some girls and mentions his business in his “What do you do?” speech. Patti’s annoyed with him already. But then he stops and starts asking the girls about themselves, about movies and TV and stuff.  There ya go. I mean, on a traditional first date, you’d want to know what your date did for a living, and it’d probably be interesting to hear about how it all began, but not at this thing. Not with bikinis. (Though, wait, he actually first started talking about The Dougie, and about how the guy who taught it died recently. NOT GOOD CONVERSATION. Though, actually, it worked for him.)

No, it didn’t.

Skylar, meanwhile, is suckin’ on the straw in his drink and checking out boobs and butts. Like, not really trying too hard to connect to anyone cuz he’s too distracted with boobs and butts. Great job, Patti. This is what this fuckface DOES for a “living.”  Stupid. Oh, there’s his model test! She’s not quite so stupid today.  Skylar’s hair is all slicked back today. Yuck.

Mrs. Frisby catches Bill’s eye at the mixer. Okay, she looks a lot cuter today.  She talks about how he “has game.”  Even though he’s nerdy. These poor nerd guys.

Skylar’s enjoying a conversation with Jen, a girl Patti really liked for him when she was doing the casting. She’s blonde and smart and has her own interests.  Sounds just about perfect.  I kinda cringe a little when she starts talking about how she’ll be doing traveling next month, using her student loan money.  This guy has $40 million dollars coming to him, he has no idea what you mean about having loans!

Oh, then Bill’s talking to the dark auburn chick, the one whose pubes aren’t red. She’s bragging to him about having programmer friends, how they rubbed off on her. Then she tries to play off that play on words, but it’s awkward. Bill’s not actually that much of a nerd, so he can’t be  so easily charmed by word play about frotteurism.

Time to pick some mini-dates!  Bill picks Frotteurism and Mrs. Frisby. Skylar picks the blonde with the student loans and The Test!  Ha! Patti rolls her eyes.

First mini-date is Skylar and The Test.  She saunters out to meet him pool-side, and that is the ONLY time she makes eye contact with him. Otherwise, they side at the pool’s edge, legs in the water, but she’s looking away the entire time. Like, putting her long hair over the shoulder of the side he’s on, so it blocks the view.  And she just talks endlessly about herself. She’s chewing on a piece of gum like it’s going to save her life. She sucks.

Her hair was parted on the other side when she walked up. She flipped it over so it would block him out. CRAZY.

Bill and Frotteurism do their mini-date.  He approaches it a bit like a business interview at first (“tell me a little more about yourself”), but corrects himself by asking a more specific question about Erin’s love life. Not really a good question to ask either, but at least it’s more personal. (It’s soooo easy to have a natural conversation about dating with someone YOU are dating, and it certainly helps the bond, but it skirts close to being too personal and too telling. You need a little mystery in the beginning.)

“My dick’s so big, I have to sit like this.” “Mine, too.”

Anyway, Erin’s game and answers in a pretty relaxed way, that her usual type of guy is “not an asshole.”  She seems to be telegraphing this onto Bill pretty quickly (which is the danger of this type of conversation), about how if you’re a nice guy, “I’ll give you a shot, but I can’t promise it’s going to go anywhere.”  Bill is probably like, “I may look like a ginger nerd, but I don’t have problems with the ladies, so back off.”

Jen comes to the pool’s edge to meet with Skylar for their mini-date. She makes immediate eye contact and friendly conversation. Ah, much better. I don’t like how her mouth moves. We’ve talked about her before, haven’t we? (Patti mentioned she was a repeat.)  I think I complained about her mouth before. Anyway, they have a nice, easy conversation about California and working out. Perfect.

Then Mrs. Frisby sits down with Bill.  She’s sweet. They talk about her Midwest upbringing, how her family are farmers.  Bill’s still in job interview mode a little, but at least he’s friendly about it. (Though I hate that he asks about her job, as a Vegas cocktail server, if people buying big expensive bottles of booze and throwing money around “is important” to her. Even a really dumb girl wouldn’t say, “Yes, people throwing money around is important to me.” Dumb.)  She actually expresses a bit of horror at people spraying expensive champagne around.  But honestly, she likes people who work hard for what they’ve got and respect it.  I also remember from the mixer that she says she watches CNN and Jeopardy. Cute.

I wish i remembered ANYTHING from the Secret of NIMH movie to make a great caption here. It’s been way too long.

Oh, finally a non-interviewy question, about music.  Though it’s initially phrased in a slightly douchey way. “You work in a club, so do you like club music?”  Mrs. Frisby is good, she admits she likes just about everything but has lately been getting into country.  Bill’s like, “No way, me too!” She wants to see Garth Brooks next month, and he already has tickets!  He’s definitely picking her.

Patti heads out to check in with Skylar. I love her pool robe—I want to wear it over a tank top and jeans.  And for a 50-something woman, she looks pretty awesome in it. Anyway, she gets Skylar’s pick for the master date. It’s Jen!  Phew, he passed the test.

As for Bill, we all know he’s picking Mrs. Frisby, and we’re all right!  Sorry, Frotteur! By the way, the girl’s actual name is Tracy, and I’ll switch to that from here on out.

Then they all jump in the pool, and Patti calls Skylar out for not holding his date’s hand as they leapt!  Who cares!

In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, we watch Bill get mauled again by Patti and Jenny McCarthy. It’s about the Five Second Flirt, where you see someone you like, you look at them, look away, then look back again. Jenny’s really good at it.

Okay, time for the master dates!

Bill has Tracy meet him at the Santa Monica pier for a day of games and such. That’s a perfect first date. You can still talk with each other, but you can focus on the shared experience, too. Bill expects to show off his manliness, since he grew up playing boardwalk games at the Jersey shore.  He brought her a pair of those enormous sunglasses you never actually wear. Why? Not sure, just to be funny?  Now she has to carry that around all day?  Annoying.

Anyway, they start off  with the game where you shoot water into a tiny target, and the first to fill up their target wins. Bill shoulders Tracy while they play, to distract her. Doesn’t matter–Tracy wins!  Then they play SkeeBall, and Tracy wins again!  (I love SkeeBall!)

And I love her shirt!

Bill’s like, “Enough of this shit,” and takes Tracy to go do the strongman “Ring the Bell with a rubber sledgehammer” game. She stands back to watch him be a real strong man, and he does it!  Now would be a good time to plant a preliminary smooch on the girl, but he settles for some raised champion arms instead.  I catch Tracy giving the side-eye to the carnie.

Meanwhile, Skylar picks Jen up somewhere on the street in his old teal convertible. Jen’s into the car, and I’m NOT into Skylar’s chest hair. Put that away!  (And I like chest hair!)  It’s one thing if I’m seeing it because you’re shirtless, but you’re wearing a low-cut tank top. Stop it.

They hop in the car, ready to head off on their date. Oh wait, car won’t start.  Try again. Try again. Try again. Try again.  There you go.

So where are they headed?  Oh, to hot yoga.  Ugh, hot yoga. It’s a great workout, but it’s not a great first date!  Even for active women! No one wants to sweat like that on a first date, not even as a result of some super hot sex. It’s just awful. I did it exactly ONCE (hot yoga, that is), and I thought I was going to barf about an hour into the class. And my muscles were sore for days. As I said, great workout, terrible first date.

But Jen’s easygoing, so she’s fine with it. It’s a private class, at least.  Just those two and the instructor. Apparently, Jen’s only done yoga once before, and the upper body strength required to hold a downward-facing dog is too hard for her.  Huh?  It’s not that hard! I did it when I was obese, and she’s definitely not obese. Skinny-fat, I guess.

Skylar’s got the stupid headband going on, and he breaks the poses to go help adjust Jen in her poses.  They’re both slicked with sweat. Yuck.  Then Skylar talks about how he enjoys doing handstands, so Jen helps him get into one. Then he falls over, and they laugh. Fun! Sweat!

NOT a good first date.

Back to Bill and Tracy. They’re having dinner at some restaurant at the base of the pier.  It’s friendly but there seems to be no sizzle at all. Tracy dutifully answers Bill’s questions, but that’s about it. She’s cute, and he seems nice, but this isn’t going anywhere.

Jen and Skylar also go to dinner.  It’s rare, but for BOTH dinner dates, they appear to be in the regular dining section of regular restaurants, not in secretive back rooms, totally alone. I kinda like that. Anyway, they talk about traveling and about how Jen likes blonde guys with blue eyes.  And about how Skylar’s longest relationship was a month long. Yep, more meta dating conversation. They seem more natural together, but I’m also not feeling a whole lot of sizzle. He’s just not very engaged, and she’s very laid-back. They share a simple cheek-smooch at the end of dinner.

Bill and Tracy are back to the pier, where they’re now riding the ferris wheel.  Bill remembers Patti’s decree that he give Tracy a big French kiss, and he decides that the ferris wheel is the perfect place.  He starts to get nervous, and then he says, “There’s one part of the ferris wheel cliché we haven’t done yet, and that’s the kiss at the top.”  Tracy laughs and leans away.  But then she’s like, “Okay, fine” and leans in for a quick peck. No “around the block and back” kiss, no sir.  Fail!

Her initial reaction…

…then she allows it.

Okay, let’s wrap this up for today.  Patti’s at the office, calling Jen to find out how the date went. Jen’s like, “It was great, we had fun.”  Patti asks about the second date, and Jen said Skylar texted her some vague second date inquiry.  Patti’s like “Oh no he di’n’t.” Skylar’s coming in to meet with Patti anyway, and she chides him for hiding behind technology when a personal touch is the way to go. She calls Jen back and has Skylar ask her out properly on speakerphone, setting up a date for this week to go see a Dodgers game together. Bam, done.

Then Patti calls Tracy.  She’s sweet, and she says the date was fine, but that she sees Bill as more of a friend.  Ya know, since he only gave her a peck of a kiss on the ferris wheel. Patti’s like, “A peck? Ew.”

So Bill comes in for his follow-up, and Patti gives him shit for the weak kiss. But he’s like, “I thought the French kiss would have been premature.”  As in, he could tell Tracy wasn’t into him at all anyway.  And he’s probably right, BUT a good, panty-twisting kiss may have changed her mind.  You never know. I’ve gotten some good kisses from some men I otherwise felt lukewarm about, and it did change my mind a little.

Huh?

And that’s it.

Captions of Truth, what say ye?  Well, Jen and Skylar went to the Dodgers game. Apparently, they “continue to date.”  As for Bill and Tracy?  He went out to Vegas to visit her, but he never came on strong with the big kiss, so he’s still in the friend zone. Oh well!

Next week!  It’s time for the drag queen who dresses up like Patti!  And then some other guy with no personality.  The drag queen part alone should be worth the price of admission, so come back!