Millionaire Matchmaker: Same as it Ever Was

Why, hello there, ‘Gasmii! Are you pumped for penis picking? Wait, I mean for penises to do the picking? Let’s not waste time—let’s go tawk Patti and her millionaires!!

In the random 45-second pre-credits intro this week, we get to see Sex Toy Dave again. He’s brought along a nervous looking woman who appears to hate being touched. Who is she? Why, she’s his wife! His cold, cold Serbian wife, Maya! Patti fishes for compliments about her matchmaking skill (though it wasn’t her actual matching that brought Maya to Sex Toy Dave. But she taught him confidence!).

I also get a much better look at Patti’s recent surgery and wow—she’s definitely done her brows and upper eyes. She’s starting to look like Shauna, the witch from Minnesota. She’d cry if she heard that.

Josh delivers Patti to her office in her sleek Jag-ee-ahr. Upon arrival, she notices Destin’s flat mohawk. He’s all proud of himself for FINALLY looking professional. Rachel is too busy looking at cheap clothing on the Hot Topic website to partake in the conversation. (And honestly, can she pick ONE ridiculous trend to follow, please? Didn’t Coco Chanel say that, “Either flame red curler bang OR wall of blue eyeshadow, not both”?)

You know how it goes, we watch a brief DVD intro on each dude, then Patti heads right out to meet them for reals, where we learn just a little bit more. I promise to go a quick Googlin’ before I say much about each guy.

“We’re waiting, Panda…”

First up is 42-year-old Brian Wallos. He runs a business that makes “baseball cards with beautiful women on ‘em.” Patti says, “Ew.” A quick search shows Brian’s first Google hit as being a MySpace page. ENOUGH SAID. (I didn’t click on it. I’m not stupid, and I value my computer’s clean registry.) I wonder what dumb song he has playing on his page when it opens. My first guess: “Centerfold” by J. Geils Band. (I’m not the only one who does the syncopated “ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh-ahhhhh!” during that song, am I?)

Brian’s biggest dating folly is his line of work. Women get jealous, they think he’s obsessed with sex, etc. Patti thinks he’s full of shit, but Destin is the voice of reason, telling her she can’t be sure until she meets him.

The other dude this week is David Matcha-something-sky (I’ll get it later), 30 years old. He’s from a traditional Russian family and wants a similar set-up for his bride-to-be. Something traditional, a woman who stays at home and is mother to his children. She can’t possibly have a job, too. He’s in trading and distribution and other potentially shady job descriptions that make a lot of money. He claims to have had many short relationships with women, but nothing longer term. Destin thinks he’s cocky. Rachel insists he isn’t…until David himself says he’s “flawless.” Patti and Destin snort  an “I told ya so.” Anyway, David’s mom really wants grandkids, so that’s why he’s asking for Patti’s help. Not because he wants love!

And Patti’s off to meet Brian. We meet Brian in his extended intro, where he explains more about these stupid pretty lady trading cards. He’s pretty involved in the day-to-day dealings with the business. (What man wouldn’t be?!?) (Also, I just corrected an apt typo: “bustiness”.) He says, “I don’t need help getting laid. It’s time to start a family.” I almost think Brian is credible, except I’m also convinced that he’s doing the show as publicity for these stupid hooker cards.

This is, like, a dream job for most men. Card collecting AND T&A?

Patti’s surprised that Brian hasn’t been on a real date in over 10 years, but hey, it’s because he’s basically been dating the girls that work with his company. He dates the Bench Warmers (there, you got the name of the company; I was trying to avoid giving its name). So, during this process, Patti’s main concern is going to be that Brian actually “courts” a lady, gets her attention, treats her nicely, and takes her on a nice date to win her affection. Don’t just drag home a piece of meat from work.

“I’ve had a lot of fun these past eight years…”

“But I’m ready to start a family. Also, I’m lonely.”

Twice this episode, I’ve noticed Patti’s bad manners. First is here, when she gets up to leave Brian’s condo. She literally just gets up and walks out, saying, “My assistant will call you…”. No handshake or nothin’.

Okay, the other millionaire is David Mezheritsky. A quick Google search reveals actually quite a lot of personal data. I know where Dave went to high school, and I think I know his address. Those friendly Canadians! Oh yeah, Dave is from Vancouver. I love that city. Had the BEST day there a few years ago, after spending a few days out there on business. Rented a bike and rode around Stanley Park twice. Went to the aquarium. Sat on the beach and read my book. Had an awesome sushi dinner with prawns bigger than my head. I recommend the city, if you’ve never been.

My monitor is larger. Nyah.

Pondering all that glass. (Vancouver really loves its glass. I could bore you with personal photos of it all)

Actual SexyPanda photos from mini-vacation! That’s Stanley Park when viewed from the edge of the downtown area. I would be in meetings, staring out the window at that view. I love mountains. I love fresh air. I loved Vancouver.

Another actual SP vacation shot, this time taken from the bike as I rode around Stanley Park. Lush wooded areas to the left, beautiful open water and mountains to the right. Just beautiful.
(I know these aren’t the most exciting photos of the city. All the really good ones have me in ‘em, and I’m shy!)

Enough about that. More about David (no real dirt on Google, though I’m admittedly not trying very hard): He looks a little like The Situation and Squinchy Bob from Food Network Star had a grown man baby. And he definitely looks older than 30, though his 1998 class year proves he’s not lying. He feels like he’s accomplished everything he needs at this point, just needs to find a housewife who likes to travel.

Since he’s based in Vancouver, he flies to LA and visits Patti at the office. (And here’s bad manners moment #2: Patti doesn’t stand up when someone comes to her office.) Patti immediately harps on the chauvinism expressed in Dave’s DVD. He kinda tries to make excuses for what he said, but actually not really. He’s actually pretty entrenched in this mindset that women don’t need to have careers and should be at home. I can’t decide if he’s the type of guy who’d never let a woman be on top because he’s controlling or if he’s the type of guy who gets super-hard at the idea of a woman dominating him for once. Probably the former. What do you think?

Anyway, Dave tells Patti that he’ll hope for the best but expect the worst. She, as you’d expect, looks thrilled at this proclamation. Then she interviews to tell us that women in this day and age can be “domesticated” AND have jobs AND still come home to give a man a BJ at the end of the day. Domesticated, eh?

For David, Patti’s going to arrange for a small dinner party with just three choices. Since he’s a chauvinist pig who will dismiss every woman he meets with little regard, she’s going to force him to get to know three women very well before he gets to choose just one for a master date. (I think Brian’s getting the same deal.)

Quick interview questions, by the way. David’s celebrity crush is Mila Kunis, and he does NOT like blondes. Well.

Oh, and then Patti wants to take David to meet a friend of hers who’s “got it all”—the marriage and family, the career, AND the ability to take vacations whenever she wants or whatever. We come back from commercial to learn that this friend is Tori Spelling. Ugh. But honestly, Tori seems more natural here than I’ve ever seen her, and it’s not bad. She’s less dumb than I expected! David’s also impressed. Also, there’s a pet chicken on the table. It’s cute, and it’s pecking at the scones.

I just don’t understand why she’s using enormous grill tongs to move scones to a plate.

Time to find some ladies! Mila Kunis-ish chicks for David and Jennifer Anniston-like ones for Brian.

First is Annaliese for David. She’s an artist, seems to have her shit together. They like her, but Patti wants her to dye her hair dark brunette (like hers). She’s right, that A.’s current color is no color, really. She’s not brunette or blonde or red, she’s in between all of that. Annaliese agrees to call her stylist for an emergency dye job.

Pretty!

Stephanie’s next, and she’s a tired looking blonde. She’s got four jobs that she pieces together to make a living (part-time assistant, model, actress, etc.). Even though she’s blonde, they really like her for David, too. Patti’s spidey-sense tingled about her, so she’s in.

On second thought, she already looks like a crazy floozy. Right?

Then there’s Debra, who’s a little unusual looking, but she thinks/knows she’s hot (is she?), so she’s totally confident. They like her for Brian, since he’s got that whole issue with jealous girlfriends. She’s fine with it, bring it on.

Can’t figure out why she bugs

Next up is Cyntha. She’s got too much blonde going on and obviously fake blue eyes, too. Nude pink lipstick in a Patti (Season two) way. She’s kinda gross. They make her get her ID because they don’t believe she’s 45. (She gets it, and she passes!) They actually like her for Brian for some reason. I’m actually almost impressed, because Patti didn’t knock her down too hard. She knows Cyntha’s a quality woman, she’s just older than her client probably prefers. She’s not zinging her age. (And i have no photos of her, for some reason.)

And then Cassie. She’s blonde and Jewish, which Patti refers to as the “chupacabra.” Patti loves chupacabras. Thing is, a chupacabra is a beast. It’s a mythical creature that’s impossible to find, yes, but it’s a hideous dog beast. Why not use a NICE mythical creature to talk about impossible-to-find matches? Like a unicorn? Or a pot of gold?

NOT looking for love.

Single and ready to mingle!

Oh, the montage of ugly women. You ready? Here we go. There’s the heavier woman who thought she’d play up her assets (read: big boobs) with a black wrap dress, but said wrap dress made her belly look prego. No good. Another poor woman looks like a deer in headlights as Patti and Rachel make fun of her cameltoe. To be fair to Patti and Rachel, it was a pretty raunchy cameltoe. Like, camel colored and everything. They could take a picture of it and put it in the dictionary.

Covering up the grotesqueness

And there it is.

Finally, they talk to Catharine, a 24-year-old student who wants to be a vet tech (and later do animal rescue). I don’t see the big deal about her, but they all think she’s adorable and Mila Kunis-like. Except she’s part Asian, but okay!

Jeans! I can’t believe she wore jeans to the casting. And I can’t believe Patti wasn’t pissed.

This chick must’ve been crazy, stupid, or didn’t want to be a housewife, because she really, really looks like Mila Kunis.

Right?

The group gets out a bulletin board to figure out their three matches per millionaire. Destin’s posting their headshots to the board, and it’s a little less stabby than we’ve seen in previous seasons. That deflated mohawk really works for professionalisming a guy up! That was a terrible sentence!

Time for the mixer—you’ll learn who got matched for whom there, stop trying to call me out for not naming it here in the bulletin board paragraph.

Annaliese (artist, told to dye her hair), Catharine (vet tech wannabe), and Stephanie (blonde, though David doesn’t like blondes) are here for David. Catharine’s nametag is placed on her boob like a bikini cup. Weird. Also weird is Patti for publicly calling out Annaliese’s obedience with the hair color. Isn’t that weird that she did that in front of the dates?? (She DOES look pretty awesome, and it makes me want to make my hair very dark. But I have a natural strawberry blonde color that stylists always coo over, so I don’t think I want to make that change after all. I dunno. THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!)

Cassie (chupacabra), Cyntha (older woman who had to get her ID), and Debra (confident though she’s unusual-looking) are picked for Brian.

“I can’t wait to meet the man of my dreams!!”

Are they all sitting at one big table? Like, Brian and his three at one end, David and his three at the other? That’s distracting. Especially since Brian seemed to think David’s picks were also very pretty. Patti, Destin, and Rachel are also at the table, monitoring the conversation.

David asks Catharine why she looks Asian (not phrased that way), and it’s because her father is from Guam. Annaliese shares about her painting, and David admits he went to art school for a bit (no degree). They seem to be vibing pretty well, but then David turns to Stephanie. He also seems impressed with her, and Patti’s impressed that he seems to be treating the women well so far. (Not shoving his chauvinism down their throats.) Meanwhile, where is Catharine in all of this?

See? Doesn’t the hair look pretty??!

Over at Brian’s side of the table, the girls are asking him silly questions like “if you had two weeks to live, what would you do?” or “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” Brian can’t answer ‘em. He’s out of practice, and his answers stink. Destin pulls him away to be like, “Okay, you suck a little bit, FIX IT.” Tells Brian to ask questions of the girls, stop frontin’.

Brian comes back to the table with a little more pizzazz and a little more confidence. He asks the girls what they collect, and that opens everyone up a little. I don’t like this confident Debra chick. She needs some better hair color, a la Annaliese, or some more aggressive makeup. She’s bugging me, and I’m not sure what it is (beyond appearances).

Time to pick dates! Brian’s torn between Cassie and Debra. (Where was Cyntha in all of this??!) (And why on earth do you like Debra?) Well, fuck me, he chose Debra. So I get to write more about her. Oh joy.

David, who’d you pick? He extolled the many virtues of Annaliese, and then he said Stephanie was very pretty. The matchmaker thinks he should pick A., but nope! He goes for S. She’s like, “I’m just the matchmaker, he picks what he wants.” Well, isn’t he paying you to help him make the right decision? I guess not—she’s just there to provide apt opportunities he wouldn’t otherwise have himself?

As Patti’s announcing the date choices, she reminds everyone of the rule: “No sex without….?” Stephanie shouts out, “Condoms!” Oh boy.

Time for the dates!

Oh wait. You know the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” 15-second segments Bravo likes to do to trick you into stopping the DVR from blowing through all the commercials? This week’s showcases a spectacular mess at the date casting call. A chunky over-processed blonde with big lips and weird streaks in her hair is a dancer/actress/model. They ask if she’s a stripper. She says she’s a belly dancer and starts doing a dance. Rachel is uncomfortable with this chick’s boobs. Tells her to turn around. That’s about it!

Yeah, a little scary.

Now, seriously, time for the dates!

Brian was instructed to bring the romance on his date. Go back to basics, plan a simple romantic date—dinner, champagne, flowers. And so far, he’s off to a good start. Debra’s waiting in a nice cocktail dress, looking a little better than she did before. Brian arrives in a limo to pick her up, huge bouquet of flowers for her. He actually quoted something she’d said at the mixer on the card that goes with the flowers. Well, that’s actually sweet, even though the quote at the time made me gag. (“I collect life experiences,” Debra said. Ick.)

They head right to dinner (remember, keeping it simple), and keep going with the small talk they’d started in the car. As Debra’s explaining a fun zip-lining trip she’d done, a group of slutty girls barges into the private room. Hugs for Brian! WTF looks on Debra! Oh, these are just some pretty girls Brian knows, no worries. Debra claims to have never been jealous, which I think is bullshit. But she has a good point, when Brian says, “I work with beautiful women all day,” she retorts, “It’s LA, everyone works with beautiful women.” Brian’s impressed with how Debra handled the surprise visit—which I’m sure wasn’t a surprise at all.

David and Stephanie are on their date up in British Columbia, some spa that’s a favorite of David’s. MAN, he really looks like Squinchy Bob Tuschman. He’s waiting for Stephanie with a cheap single red rose. Eh. He just wants to get his wick wet.

“Wanna fuck?”

Oh, and he gives her a pair of thick red mittens with the Canadian flag on ‘em. That’s because they’re going into the “cold sauna.” What’s that? Oh, it’s a room that’s chilled to –110*C, that’s all. And they go into this sauna in bathing suits, socks, mittens, and hats. RIDICULOUS on many levels. I’m sure Patti’s going to be pissed about the bathing suits part.

The things we do for sex love

Ew, the spa worker tells them how to use the sauna (you apparently go in for only three minutes), and informs them that you get an endorphin rush afterwards, “much like after having sex!” Ew.

Hahaha, the closed captioning on this part of the date is precious. “I hate this, I hate you, do it yourself next time, don’t touch me, let me out!” Awesome! They’re wearing face masks, it’s so cold. They have to walk in circles, and I’m guessing that’s so they don’t DIE. David was hoping Stephanie would be all post-coital about this, but she’s just pissed. HA!

Afterwards, she’s still kinda pissed and huddled under a towel on some lounge chair. David, his short shorts, and his weiner are all cocked out on the next lounge chair. He invites her over to warm up with his body heat. Oh, and then they’re together in a bath tub with champagne and candles. Then they kiss. Then her suit comes off. I feel like I’m writing a softcore porn.

“Are you going to let my boner twitch over here all by itself?”

“We don’t need this bikini top if we’re going to fuck on the first date and never see each other again, right?”

Back to Brian. He and Debra are having a nice first-date conversation about stuff they like to do, stuff they want to do. They agree to go ice-skating together sometime in the future. See, THIS is my kinda first date. Not bikinis and bathtub makeouts. Ick. They’re all done with dinner, so Brian takes her home. He walks her to the door and everything. Aww. (The only bad thing about the whole “walking her to the door” thing is it leaves more time to get nervous about that first kiss. And they kinda botch it a little—he obviously goes for the mouth and she accidentally cheeks it. Oh well!) Brian’s excited about Debra. As he’s said about a hundred times so far, he’s “had a lot of fun” in the past eight years, but this connection with someone is better.

“I had a great time, now it’s time to kiss!”
“I had a great time, too, and I’m going to lean in awkwardly for a kiss that goes right into a hug that confuses us both!”

Oh, dinner after sex, huh? David is taking a page out of my 2002 playbook. He and Stephanie are all cleaned up and sitting fire-side at the restaurant. They keep kissing, and it’s kinda gross. David’s all, “Those are some soft lips, let me see them again.” They sip vodka drinks, which impresses David, bein’ Russian and all. Stupid.

Wait, we don’t see anything about dinner. Oh. They basically went down there to refuel for more sex, as David implies when he invites Stephanie up for more cocktails before they “go to sleep.” She blinks, and he all but winks. Pig. Also, he’s wearing a purple velvet (velour??) blazer.

Time to answer to Patti! How’d the dates go? Patti calls Debra, who’s excited and likes Brian. She mentions the visit from the group of pretty ladies, which Patti and Destin are a little confused about. But it IS LA, so it’s entirely possible that it happened organically. Brian comes in for the breakdown, sporting a new goatee. He agrees that Patti did a good job making this match.

So then they call Stephanie, who opens with, “Girl…” Like she’s Nia Long talking to Regina King about something incredulous. Really? Really. She summarizes the date by saying they “had dinner and had a great time.” That’s it? Is this editing, or did Patti really go right for it by asking if she slept with him? Stephanie tries to play word games about it, but…yeah, she slept with him. (She says they didn’t.)

So they call David on Skype or whatever. She asks him, and he plays the word games too. “We had an intimate evening, but there was no sleeping.” But then he says they didn’t sleep together. Patti’s convinced he’s lying. So, since he broke the rules, she says that’s it. She’s not nasty about it, just says she wishes them well, but that’s the last match she’ll make, cuz he blew it. (Rachel quips, “SHE blew it.”)

Patti says, and I quote, “I did my work, but I can’t make two people carry out my rules and regulations.” See, haters? She makes the match—the people themselves have to make it happen. Nyah. (Not really ‘nyah.’)

Captions of Truth! Tell us! Please! Well… Brian and Debra had their second date, and according to the captions, Brian was still a gentleman. Nice! David, on the other hand, blew his load and moved on. No more Stephanie sex for him!

Just a typical week for the Millionaire Matchmaker, eh?

Next week looks good. First there’s some creepy German prince of some kind, who may not be a prince at all. (I’ll Google the SHIT out of that one.) Then there’s a schlubsy hipster nerdy dude who lacks social graces. Hopefully they have fun dates, too! Come back and talk about it with me!!