Millionaire Matchmaker: She’s a Drunk Mess!!! Yay!

Hey, ‘Gasmii!  You’ve been waiting all season for this episode, haven’t you?  The one that restores all the faith you lost in the power of reality TV…the power to entertain.  Well, cry no more.  The entertainment is back.  It’s MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER.

One of her other appearances on TV.

Our random intro of the week is a “seminar” (conducted around pub tables in a club) about aphrodisiacs.  Dr. Alan Hirsch, a man who looks scarily like a masculine version of my (now dead) grandmother, is introduced as a neurologist, which is true…but he’s better known as being the creator of Sensa, those weight-loss crystals you sprinkle onto your food to lose weight. Patti’s supposedly lost 25 lbs using Sensa.  I used it for two months and lost zero pounds.  Sensa sucks.  Anyway, we learn from Dr. Hirsch that men get boners for lavender and pumpkin pie.  Women? We get wet snootchy-bootchies for cucumber, banana nut bread, and Good n’ Plenties.  The daters stuck listening to this horseshit are bored to death.  And none of us is going to stuff pie or cucumbers down our pants (well, speak for yourself), so let’s move on.

“We’re both interested in getting you horny!”

Patti stumbles into the office, looking ragged.  Destin and Rachel are ready and waiting with two new millionaires to match.  Let’s just get to it.  It’s like Christmas morning, I can’t wait to talk about the hot mess!  And we jump right it!  Let’s meet Robin Kassner!  She’s a plump PR publicist and she thinks she “was born fabulous, hee heeeee!!!”  Destin mocks the laugh, and Patti rolls her eyes.  And normally, I wouldn’t refer to a woman as “plump,” having been plump myself for a long time (and to some, I probably still am), but she is pretty much the 2010 version of Jack Sprat’s wife.  She also seems to think she’s the physical embodiment of Sex and the City.  She probably sees herself as a Samantha/Carrie hybrid, and that’s just intolerable.

She’s swilling on a giant cosmo during her video interview, sitting in a really pink room, complaining about how her last boyfriend was really cute but really dumb. She’s wearing too much inexpertly applied eyeshadow, but honestly, this is the best we’ll see of her today.  She’s really interested in meeting a Matthew McConaughey of her own, preferably Jewish.  Cuz, ya know, 6’4″ blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jewish men are falling off of trees like motherfucking crab-apples (anyone get the reference?).  Anyway, Patti’s like, “Um, YOU don’t get a Matthew McConaughey.”  Which really seems to be her main issue, that a plump gal can’t get a hottie that ALL women would want.  But she then covers by saying that Robin seems to be way superficial, overlooking personality in favor of hotness.

Fabulouuuuus!!

Imitating the girlie giggle.

Our other millionaire this week is Jon Bon Jovi.  I mean, John Bonjohnny.  I mean, Bongiorno. Christ.  John Bongiorno is a 45-year-old (supposedly) who’s supposedly afraid of commitment.  He works in heavy equipment import and export. (Doesn’t that sound a little Costanza to you?)  Patti and Rachel complain about his eyes looking old, but I get riveted by the white line around his neck, which is where the sun literally don’t shine when he’s out workin’ with heavy equipment and trucks and horses.  It’s like a beacon.  “Look at me.  I don’t get sun.  This guy is tan, but I’m white.  Isn’t it amazing?”  I can’t look away.  Anyway, John’s kinda put out by the fact that women he dates really seem intent on getting married.  Well, if you’re dating women your age (and it sounds like he is), they’re not here for fun anymore–they’re here to seal the deal with an amazing guy.  You should be flattered that they want to talk marriage with you!  Relax, BonJohnny!   Patti is pretty sure that John’s doing the classic commitmentphobe thing of finding flaws in women so you don’t have to commit.  It’s typical. Maybe she can help him break the habit.

Robin comes in for a little visit.  She’s wearing a black summer dress, as if there were such a thing, and it’s doing nothing at all to disguise her size.  I know, I’m focusing on the weight, but it’s because she’s NOT doing it well.  It’s fine to be larger–as long as she’s healthy.  Be large, but if you’re worth more than a million dollars, look like you’ve got some class.  I make a fraction of what this girl’s supposedly worth, and I look a hell of a lot classier than she does.  (Well, and I’m half her size.) Take care of yourself!  Trim the dead ends on your hair!  Get a makeover and LISTEN when they teach you how to apply it!  Use wide belts to your advantage!  Or, and this is the other side of it, hire a trainer and a personal chef to help you slim down a little!  But really, as she is, I just want to slap an Almay makeup remover pad on her face and clean her up.

The calm before the storm.

We blip right to Robin’s official video.  She stares dumbly down the street as she walks past the cameraman on the street with her two Pomeranians.  She sounds drunk when she answers the phone at work, “HOT PR” she pronounces it, though it’s spelled “Haute”.  She gets a pedicure, and WE get a treat–staring at her fugly toenails as they’re worked on with chisels and spackle.  Barf!  It’s not quite as bad as Gummi Bear Jason Davis, but close. Oh, she’s having Cosmos with her girls while having said pedicure, by the way.  Ew.  When will people give the Sex and the City a rest?!  They really are 2000 and late.

If you weren’t sure that Robin liked the color pink, you’ll figure it out when you’re given a quick tour of her apartment.  It’s like living in a set of innards, it’s so pink in there.  She’s got a quirky portrait of herself and her two dogs in a vintage style frame that I love, but otherwise, I give it all a thumbs down.  You’re 33, girl, not 3.  She brags about being a good mom to her two dogs, Paris Hilton and Bruiser.  Wasn’t Elle Woods’ dog named Bruiser?  So she lacks originality, too.  Oh, and Bruiser viciously snaps at her hand as she tries to pet him!  WOW, that tells ya something.  Oh, and she drives like a grandma, really close to the steering wheel.  The cameraman didn’t do her any favors, either, by shooting her from the footwell of the passenger seat.

Put the dog down!

Robin claims to want Patti’s help now because she’s 33 years old and “it’s crunch time.”  She also claims to really want to find true love.  I think she really wants to find some publicity for her PR firm.  (I’m dying to know if business picks up or changes for the worse after this show.  Bad publicity is still publicity, but not if the head of the firm is a drunk slut.)  By the way, if you have some free time, Google this chick.  You’ll see some YouTube videos of her getting slammed around by TSA.  Apparently, she lost the lawsuit she filed against them.  There’s also a clip of her on Dr. Phil, looking way better than she does here.  Oh, and there’s this:

Can you see it?  Sake bombs by the Brooklyn Boor; Cookies by last week’s doofus.  And that drink, the Nuvo stuff?  It sucks. I didn’t know of it’s “fabulous” legend and hip-hop culture before recently, but I bought a small bottle on a whim once. It wasn’t good.  Also, their website has fucking typos. That tells you how much Nuvo sucks.

Robin and Patti sit down for a little talk about what Robin’s looking for.  It’s all the same stuff we’ve already heard so far (from her, from other millionaires the past four seasons).  Patti listens gamely to everything, then “gets down to brass-tack facts.”  I love the way she says this next bit:  “What can you get with what you are bringing to the table?”  In other words, “You’re a fat drunk–how are you going to get Matthew McConaughey?”  She accuses Robin of being very looks-driven, which seems pretty obvious.  What’s funny is that in Robin’s blog on Bravo’s site, she rips into Patti a bit for not matching her with quality guys.  Like, Patti focused on looks, when Robin wanted some substance.  Answering, “Um….?  Yeah….” when asked if you care about what’s inside tells us that you don’t want substance.  Robin is acting to get a role on TV to publicize her business, and don’t you forget it.  She’s no better than Matt with his diet cookies, Doug with his divorce attorney thing, and Leah with her fancy t-shirts.

Anyway, Patti’s going to do a traditional mixer for Robin.  Before she ends the meeting, she reminds Robin of her club rules:  two drink maximum and no sex before monogamy.  She may have trouble with the drinks, but I don’t think she’ll have trouble not getting laid. (Famous last words.)

Now Patti heads out to meet John.  Yay, Deshawne is back, driving Miss Patti around town!  I missed Deshawne.  My giggles this week start with this interaction, where Patti tells Deshawne about John and his fear of marriage.  She asks, “Deshawne, are you afraid of marriage?”  Deshawne answers, “No, I’m not afraid of marriage.  You just have to find the right girl.”  The camera cuts away to a shot farther away as Patti curtly replies, “Okay, well, THIS guy is afraid of it.”  For some reason, this is HYSTERICAL to me.  I’m sure I just took the time to write all that out and no one gives a shit, but suck it.  YOU spend your Friday night writing a recap while your neighbors vacuum, then, and tell your own story about watching the show!

Wow, sounds like I need some vodka!

Let’s meet John, shall we?  John’s a truck guy, a manly guy, works with his hands.  I’d venture to guess that if he isn’t still a smoker, he only quit recently.  There’s that white line around his neck. It’s like the belly button on Seinfeld’s date. “Helloooooo!”  Anyway, John’s in a meeting with some fellow truck guys, where one says, “He wants it in good condition and at a good price.”  John is the quintessential salesman when he smiles, shakes his head, and says, “Can’t have it both ways!”  I think I bought a car from him once.  Anyway, John drives a bulldozer, John works on a big Ford truck, John works with horses.  John also shouldn’t tuck his fluorescent tank top into his jeans like that–holy muffin-top.  John seems like a nice guy, and he grows on me as we meet him.  You’ll see.

Was this episode sponsored by the color chartreuse? (You’ll see what I mean later.)

I have to disagree with Patti a smidge as she browbeats John about his commitment issues.  A commitmentphobe doesn’t stay in a relationship for two years like John did, even when the woman, as he reports, badgered him for a ring in the first three months. (Whoa, nelly, slow down.  First three months?)  He claims he was building his business, which is fair.  Patti slams him by saying that’s what women say when they reach their 40s and haven’t gotten married.  Ouch!  Aren’t men supposedly more single-minded than women, less able to multi-task?  So if he’s focused on building his business, he’s not focused on finding love!  OR, she just wasn’t the right girl!  It’s possible!

John seems to want to take his time to get married, to make sure he finds the right person and does it right.  I can get behind that.  I feel the same way.  People rush, and people make mistakes.  And then people end up divorced.  BUT, on the other hand, as you get older, you have a better idea of what you want and what works, so you don’t have to worry AS much about taking your time.  Rushing’s usually never good; patience isn’t usually a bad thing.  So why browbeat the guy about it?  Patti does have a good point, though, about knowing within a year if you want to marry a girl or not.  So, her rule is that if you aren’t ready to propose within a year, move on.  She’s not the one. (You don’t have to get married in a year, just lock the girl down with a ring on the finger, take her off the market!)  John’s surprised by this, but he seems receptive to it, is thinking about it.  Overall, though, John’s really frustrated to be painted as a commitmentphobe. He gives up, admitting (with a questioning tone), “I have a commitment problem, huh?”  Patti nods.  She’s broken him.  But it’s okay–John will prevail.  You’ll see.

(“White line…blowing through my mind….Something of a phenomenon, baby…!”)

Now that Patti and John are on the same page (Patti’s page, that is), Patti asks what John likes.  He’s looking for a Sandra Bullock, a brunette of his own age, which really impresses Patti.  So, we’ll do a traditional mixer for John, too, with smart, engaging brunettes that’ll wow John’s socks off.

It’s screening time!  Let’s find dates for Robin and John!  Oh boy!  So what are we looking for?  Sultry brunettes for John, the marrying kind.  And Chupacabras for Robin (tall, hunky, blonde Jewish men who like heavier girls).

So, who do we meet?  First we meet some nice girls for John.  Annie’s got a degree in city planning and works in affordable housing. And she’s cute as a button. Patti takes a shine to Dana #1, who works for some company that teaches stripper pole dancing classes.  Patti knows this because she just took a class, and she’s so excited to show off what she’s learned.  Cue Patti writhing around on the ground in a faux-sexy manner, wearing her Sensa t-shirt.  She does a spread-eagle move on the ground and everyone blanches.  Oh Patti.  You are so SexyPanda circa 1991. I KNOW you.  We are One.

Actually, *blush*…this is a photo of SexyPanda circa 2007.  Classy, huh?

Now we meet some cute guys for Robin.  Charlie’s an attorney, and he’s cute!  Patti warns the guys that the woman they’re matching for is larger.  At first, Patti’s just saying she’s “large”–beautiful and successful, but large.  The guys don’t seem to care about the size, and/or they just want to be on TV, so they all nod and shrug as if to say, “it’s not that bad.”  Charlie and a guy named Meridoc (named after the hobbit) agree that they prefer a woman with curves, so Robin sounds great.  Patti also interviews some personal trainers, and I cringe, knowing that they’d never want to be intimate with someone like Robin.  I mean, that’s a terrible assumption for me to make, but…hey, I wasn’t banging any personal trainers when I was 100 lbs overweight, and I’m prettier and less drunk than Robin!  One guy, though, is black, and when asked if he minds that she’s larger, he says matter-of-factly, “Well, I’m black, so…”.  HA!  (He also quickly alerted the group to the fact that he’s not Jewish.  I like this guy!)

We meet Sophia (i think), who owns a golf company for women (?) and is overly made up, overly boobed, and overly haired.  She’s instructed to tone it way down for the mixer, and she’s in.  Then there’s Robert, a swarthy guy who looks really tired.  On his application, for his occupation, he wrote that he’s “getting there.”  We quickly find out that Robert’s not quite homeless, but he does live in a single-occupancy room in a halfway house or something.  So that’s a no for Robin!

Dana #2 is in the next batch, and she’s a cute match for John.  She works at the Borgata, the top casino in Atlantic City.  She’s Italian, wants marriage and kids, and she’ll be a good fit for John.  And then we meet Luke, a tall, somewhat-hunky, Jewish plumber.  Patti’s thrilled–she’s found the Chupacabra!  She warns Luke that she’ll be matching him with “Jessica Simpson…at size 24.”  Luke’s smile freezes, but more because he doesn’t know what “size 24″ means.  “That sounds large,” he says.   He reminds me so much of a coworker of mine, and I have to be careful not to give much away about that.  Let’s just say that there’s a douchey frat-boy, frustrated football hero vibe going on, and there’s someone who’s learned how to be mean without being mean.  We’ll see it more later.

Eh, you’re okay.

After the usual introductions to herd of potential matches (two drink maximum, etc.), Patti brings out the millionaires.  Robin’s in another black dress, which is fine, but she was made up within an inch of her life.  The red lipstick is WAY too much, especially with those big ol’ gums she’s got.  The eye makeup, too, is just too much.  Like, she did the eyeshadow part of the smoky eye and nothing else.  Everyone knows the smoky eye requires lots of eyeliner, too.  Her boobs are way out, and everything’s just so obvious.  Oh, she’s also drunk already.  I think Robin was told by the producers to “drink up!” and that her makeup needed to be bold while on camera.  If not, then she’s just a drunk, crazy mess who’s really bad at makeup.

Can you maaaaaybe see the neck thing?  It’s not prominent here, but Bravo was stingy with photos again.

The first guy Robin talks to is Anthony, a retired NYPD cop who’s probably too old for her, but he’s a total sweetheart.  Tall linebacker of a guy, well-groomed in an unobnoxious way.  You can just tell.  (Some creepy older guy in a ponytail is lurking with pursed lips nearby, and I’m creeped out.  I’m glad I didn’t see him the first two times I watched the show, or he would have ruined my giggle-buzz.)   John’s doing well with his ladies so far, which isn’t unexpected.  He’s a salesman–he can talk to people.

Robin’s so clearly drunk, and she’s sucking her wine through a cocktail straw.  Who does that?  Anyway, she’s funny enough when she’s talking to the guys themselves (mostly exclaiming about how hot or tall they are), but she’s especially funny in her interviews.  She drunkenly postures from one pose to the next, cocking a hip here and gesturing wildly there.  She’s a mess.  I love it, and I can’t stop laughing at her.  Patti says she looks like a box of crayons exploded on her face.  HA!  I don’t know why Patti isn’t up her ass for her being drunk, though.  She was totally up that Brooklyn Boy’s tush about it.  I guess drunk Robin makes excellent TV, and I can’t say I disagree.

Here we go…

Later, Robin’s talking to the men about her pink apartment and her affinity for Hello Kitty.  Seriously?  My BFF loves Hello Kitty, but she loves it in a tasteful, adult way.  Like, a Hello Kitty magnet on an otherwise adult refrigerator. I’m afraid to see the degree of Robin’s Hello Kitty love.  An interior designer she’s talking to looks nervous when she says her whole apartment is pink. Anthony is hovering nearby, as a good man who’s interested would.  The others, Charlie the attorney and Luke the plumber, look askance at each other when Robin mentions the Hello Kitty.  Clearly, these guys aren’t matches.  I mean, CLEARLY.  RIGHT??!  (I’ve had some vodka, and the vodka’s making me EMPHATIC.)

Patti pulls Robin aside to alert her to the fact that Hello Kitty “does not get a hard cock.”  First of all, she’s right.  Second of all, I CANNOT BELIEVE she’s allowed to say “hard cock” on TV, even on Bravo.  Seriously?  Oh, but we get a glimpse of my sorely missed “drawbridge penis,” when Patti indicates the hard cock.  I love drawbridge penis.  Robin says nothing, but she nods and steps back to the gentlemen.  “So how about those Giants?” she asks with a gummy, drunk grin.  Then she blathers about how she doesn’t know football at all, but Anthony offers to teach her, and she asks if he would tackle her, and he says he would.  She giggles like a hyena at all of this.  Aww, heavy-person flirting.  Another drunken interview with the awkward poses and flapping gestures.  She smudges her microphone and everything.

Drawbridge Penis!!!

For all of John’s commitmentphobia, he sure seems intent on finding a relationship-minded woman.  Maybe Patti had him pegged wrong?  He’s checking out Annie, the city planner, and asking if she’s gotten all her partying out of the way.  She scoffs at the idea that she’d still be out partying–she’s in her early 30s, bro!  See, John really does want a wife.  He just doesn’t want to rush and hasn’t met the right girl. Patti, listen up!

Luke arrives to blow some cocky air up Robin’s dress.  He informs her that he’s a plumber, and she pauses a beat too long before grinning with all her gums and declaring, “I love plumbers!”  I get that a giving-and-game girlfriend is a bonus, but agreeing to everything some hot douchebag says isn’t going to find you true love.  You sure are getting (bad) publicity right now, though, Robin!   She squeezes Luke’s arm while he’s talking, exclaiming about his muscles. By the way, he’s totally laughing at her as he’s talking, especially when he tells her that he enjoys working out.  See?  Subtle dig.  More of those to come.

Robin tells Luke about her dogs, to which he says he likes smaller dogs “because you can throw them further”.  Then he interviews that he’s never dated a girl “of her stature…of her bone structure,” with a laugh.  But he likes her because she seems fun and has money, so there ya go.   The Boytoy is born.

Time to choose mini-dates.  John chooses Annie, the city planner who’s finished with partying, and Dana, the Borgata waitress.  Good choices.  Who does Robin want to bone date?   Anthony, the retired cop who’ll teach her about football and love her for the rest of her days, and Luke, the guy who will accept money and massages from her while making fun of her.  Awesome choices, dumbass.  Patti’s pissed that Robin chose the himbo.

Mini-dates!  John and Annie seem to have a good chat.  Annie’s got a good head on her shoulders for her early 30s, though I suspect she’s a little too young and eager to please for John.  When he meets with Dana, they have a great chemistry and talk easily about being Italian and how close family is, etc.  The choice here is clear.

Annie…

Dana!

Robin meets first with Anthony, who really seems to be a good guy.  He could be a rapist-murderer who gets away with it because he was a cop, but I’ll ignore that possibility for now.  Robin and Anthony have a cute mini-date, talking about Anthony’s police work, his love for dogs, and whatnot.  He’s not a classically handsome guy, but he’s a sweetheart and he’s tough.  He could totally beat up the mugger if one were to come after him and Robin, and not just because he’s an ex-cop.  Because he’s big and strong.  Robin needs a little of that, I think.

Then she meets with Luke.  First off, body language.  Luke’s sitting cockily on the couch, not facing Robin, swilling his wine.  She’s facing him adoringly, staring and grinning those gums at him.  He smirks, asks, “So, what’s up?” and takes a big sip of wine.  Yes, this is a match made in heaven, clearly.  Robin gushes that Luke is too good-looking to be a plumber.  Um, that’s just a stupid thing to say.  Like, vapid.  And Luke’s like, “Well, I AM a plumber. I hug toilets all day, if that’s okay with you.” And she’s not deterred one bit. Then he says he wants to open his own business, but he’d need a backer.  Like, with a big shit-eating grin.  Robin’s vapid and drunk enough to say, “I’ll help you with that.”  Um, not with $1.7 million in NYC, you’re not!  Have money like John BonJohnny’s $8 mil, you might.  But no, you got money from Mommy and Daddy to run a pink business sham, and that’s that.

Luke asks Robin why she picked him, and she grins, “You’re hot!”  (He’s not really that hot, by the way.)  He balks, “That’s it?  That’s everything?”  I mean, he may be a gold-digging piece of trash, but I’m sure there’s more to him than his looks.  (I wonder what his love life will be after this show.  Any speculations?)   One final interview with Robin, drunk as a skunk:  “I chose Luke for the mini-dates because he was hot, and *repose into a different fabulous posture* that’s the only reason!  *giggle!!!!*”  OMG.

So, who’d they choose for the big ol’ dates?  John chose Dana, of course.  She’s clearly the better match.  When asking Robin who she’d like, Patti dumbs down to Robin a bit, but it’s well-deserved.  She’s very drunk. In the end, Robin chooses fucking Luke.  What an idiot.  Note that there’s a lot of applause for John’s choice, and tepid/WTF applause for Robin’s.  Seriously, what an idiot.  Patti reminds Luke that HE is to plan their date, not Robin, since he’s the dude. He nods, but looks a little, “OMGWTFBBQ!1!” about it.

Dates time!  I’m going to give John the short shrift because I’m tired, and because Robin’s date is just SO BAD that I need to pay full attention to it.  But you know I’m pooped by this time in the show.  I’ll do my best.

Oh wait, it’s the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment!  In this week’s installment, a cute li’l florist chick brings an arrangement of greens and other masculine-ish flowers for John.  They’re beautiful, but it’s a little weird to do that. Patti’s pissed and pulls her aside.  As a matter of course in dating, do NOT give a man flowers.  Men are the aggressors, and they are to aggressively court you with flowers.  Wait, that doesn’t sound right.  Whatever, just don’t bring flowers.  (Though I get why she did it–it shows what she does and is an expression of affection, much like a pastry chef bringing a box of yummy desserts for the dude or something. Would THAT be so wrong?)

Okay, dates dates dates!

John and Dana!  He brings Dana to some stables, where they’ll ride horses for a bit.  She’s dressed the part in boots and a cute hat, and they have a cute smooch hello.  He seems like a great guy, she seems like a great girl–I have a good feeling about ‘em. She’s never ridden a horse before, though, so she’s nervous.  But she’s a good sport.  John walks her around the paddock for a bit to get her acclimated.  Then the head out into a pasture for a bit.  Their horses walk side by side as they chat about relationships and history and such.  It’s a good, easygoing date.

Cute.

Deep, bracing sigh as we head into Luke and Robin’s date.  Luke’s waiting near a fountain for Robin, wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and sneakers.  See, he planned for them to ride bicycles around Central Park.  I’d LOVE that date, but I have a feeling it was an inappropriate choice for Robin.  He’s doing it to make fun of her, I’m sure.  Also, did he TELL her what to wear?  Because she did not also show up to the date in shorts, a t-shirt, and sneakers.  Instead, she’s wearing a loud pink/orange and purple dress that reminds me a lot of something I once bought on clearance at Lane Bryant, a fluorescent yellow sweater, and platform flip flops.  This is not bike riding attire for even a slender girl, and I dread watching her mount a bike in it.  Oh, and apparently she’s late, which Luke is quick to point out.  What a gentleman.

So, bike riding in a dress.  Robin hasn’t ridden a bike since she was a kid, and she’s a little nervous.  She wobbles just getting onto the stupid thing, and Luke looks exasperatedly at the camera. In fact, this is a theme, Luke looking right at the camera while Robin’s being a drunk/plump mess.  He tells her to watch out for the horse-shit, then interviews that he doesn’t think Robin’s really into physical activity at all.  He says, “I don’t think she likes to move around too much; she’s not into walking, or exercising.”  Moving around?  Wow, that makes her sound like Half Ton Mom or something! She’s big, but she’s not THAT big!

Chartreuse!  Painful dates! Horse shit!

They head off into the park.  Robin’s using Luke’s name at every opportunity, which helps me out because I would have otherwise forgotten it.  “Oh my god, Luke.  This is freaking me out, Luke.  Luke, I’m so scared. Luke, this is too fast.”  Meanwhile, Luke is purposely running his bike close to hers to freak her out (and pisses off a rollerblader that he almost wiped out when he swung away from Robin).  Then I laugh out loud as a jogger runs between them, passing them handily.  They’re going THAT SLOWLY.  HA!

Robin’s thrilled when the bike ride is over, and as Luke walks both bikes back to the rental counter, Robin waddles alongside.  They’re talking about motorcycles, which she’s gushing about, of course.  Luke suggests that motorcycles make good birthday presents.  Hint hint.  Buy him one, Robin.  UGH, Luke sucks.  Also, they’re walking so slowly that pedestrians are leaping ahead of them in impatience.  I love it.

Back to John and Dana for a second.  They’re at dinner now, looking happy and content and relaxed.  They’re talking about names, since John’s last name means “Good Day”.  Johnny Good Day.  That’s fun.  His nickname is John-John, and her nickname is Deedee.  Isn’t that precious?  I’m not being sarcastic, I actually think it’s cute. Surprisingly, John starts joking about wedding cakes, invitations, and heading right to Tiffany.  Whoa!!  The commitmentphobe isn’t actually afraid of commitment at all when he meets the right woman, is he?  Wow.  He interviews to say how highly he thinks of Dana–she really could be the one.  Aww!  I call a little bullshit on Dana when she gets all gooey about how they both grabbed the lemon on their plates at the same time, but eh, she’s working hard to ensure the connection, so it’s fine.

John tells Dana about his conversation with Patti about marriage, the commitmentphobia, etc.  Dana follows up on it really well, asking John why Patti would have gone in that direction–what did John say to lead her to believe that.  They talk about marriage, how life is short, all of that.  It’s a genuine conversation, I think.  Dana concludes that if it’s right, and if it makes sense, that that’s it.  John asks if THIS makes sense to Dana–”this” being them.  She smiles and says, “It’s making sense, yeah.”  Good answer.  Big smiles all around. They have a sweet kiss at the end of their date.

Aww!

Okay, this is sweet and all, but we need to get back to the crazy. Robin broke Patti’s rule and planned the remainder of the date.  They’re on some kind of dinner cruise, which Patti later reveals is like $150/person. Robin’s still staring loonily at Luke, who looks uncomfortable (and bored).  She compliments his muscles again, and he’s like, “Thank you.  Anyway…”  He asks about her best friend, and she launches into a drunken monologue about her friend’s husband doing Botox on her dog.  (!!)  Luke is like, “On your dog?!”  She looks away and rambles about Bruiser being 8 years old and how that’s 56 in dog years, etc.  Luke concludes, “So you’re a little crazy, huh?”  Robin just giggles and drinks some more.

Then Luke calls her out for not being interested in anything but his appearance.  Specifically, she didn’t ask him about HIS best friend.  She’s all, whatever, tell me about him.  So he tells her, and then he says how he and his buddy want to start a business, some kind of Party Down thing with waiters and catering or some shit.  She nods drunkenly and offers to support him in that.  “You’re too hot to not be a millionaire.”  WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CHICK DOING.  Luke, of course, is like, “I AGREE WITH YOU, let’s make me rich, pleez.”  Robin giggles.

Luke interviews that he likes Robin well enough, but that he wishes she were more his type and were more attractive.  He’s also incredibly drunk.

Robin offers Luke a Maserati next, and he’s delighted.  Then she offers to snuggle with him, love him, give him everything he wants, have babies with him, etc.  He looks off camera and laughs, agreeing that it wouldn’t be a hardship to drive a Maserati.  Robin asks if she’s a fun date, flipping her fried hair all around and squishing up her boobs.  Her eyeshadow here gives me the creeps, as it’s all purple all the time, all the way up to the brow bone.  No bueno.  She tells Luke that he’s a good date, too, and he’s like, “Nope, I’m an asshole.”  Seriously.  And this is where I remind you, yet again, LISTEN when people tell you things.  He IS an asshole!

Then it gets CRAZY.  She tells him she loves asshole!  She says she wants to have sex with him, point-blank, just like that!  He leans back in his chair and laughs!  She giggles and looks so proud of herself.  With a HUGE mouthful of food, Luke asks for a handjob under the table.  Robin immediately leans over and reaches under.  Does she jerk him off?  We’ll never know–there wasn’t a shot of ranch dressing on the floor or anything.    But really, wow. What a fucking mess.

“Hold me, mommy, I’m scared.” (That wasn’t me, that was Robin, speaking for Luke’s penis.)

Then they’re on the boat deck, looking at the nighttime skyline.  It’s beautiful–what a nice date!  Robin’s behind Luke, rubbing his chest and reaching pretty close to his junk.  He just stands there and takes it, but you know he’s too proud to really enjoy getting love on camera from a fat chick.  She touches his nipple, she offers a back massage.  He looks at the camera and makes fun of her some more.  And finally, it’s over.

“And we’re docked!” he chirps as he takes off in a cloud of dust.

Patti calls Dana to check in on things.  Verdict?  It’s a winner!  Dana loved the date, had a blast, and thought John’s type (the chivalrous manly man) was extinct.  Patti’s going to make sure John gets on that second date, stat.  And right on cue, John arrives.  He speaks equally well of the date and is hot to call Dana right away to set up the next date.  Excellent!  In fact, he’s talking like he and Dana are already engaged, and Patti’s like, “Hang on, slow down, get to six months and then I’ll pat you on the back.”  Cute, though, right?

Wow, a 180 from being afraid to get married to wanting to get married today!

Now for Luke.  Patti calls him and gets the intel. Luke spills the beans about the dinner cruise, the constant gushing compliments, the offers to buy the world for Luke and more.  Patti is mortified. Luke isn’t in favor with Patti, by the way.  She could see right through him, for the gold-digger he really is.

Holy shit.

Now for Patti to meet with Robin, which takes place at Patti’s apartment, for some reason.  Robin’s all gushy and happy about the date–she had a blast. Patti and Destin look amazed and skeptical.  “Why was it awesome?” Patti asks.  Well, because it was romantic!  Oh, handjobs and talking with your mouth full and whatnot is romantic? Patti calls her out for being drunk and for enticing Luke with offers of hot cars and motorcycles.  Robin looks sheepish, but only because she’s getting in trouble, not because she thinks her buying a man’s affection is a bad thing.  She’s grinning like a total idiot.  Patti spits venom at Robin about how Luke isn’t attracted to her, how he’s using her for money, and Robin just flashes those gums.  Anyway, she’s apparently going out with Luke again this coming weekend.  Patti throws up her hands–she’s done.  Robin walks out, still smiling.  Is she that dumb?

“You’re drunk…”

“And you’re dumb.  I mean, am I right?”

Anyway, the Captions of Truth reveal that John-John and DeeDee are doing well, and they’re still dating!  Yay!  That’s so cool!  I really hope that’s true.  I should Google it and find out.  (I did, and I almost got a virus.  So, Google it yourself!) We also see that Luke and Robin went out a few more times, but that’s it.  No shit, Sherlock.

Well, I don’t think I did this episode much justice.  It was hysterical, but you really had to see it for yourself.  I had the giggles all night the first time I watched, and then I got to see it again when I showed my boyfriend how drunk and sloppy Robin was.  Still funny.  If you didn’t actually see it, I recommend seeking it out on Bravo.com or Hulu.  You owe it to yourself.

Next week, I think it’s the last episode for the season (unless they do a recap/reunion/WWHL).  Crazy Stacy, the spazzy ADHD woman who was sent to Barbados with Kevin on her date?  She’s back.  And then we get to see good ol’ former Philadelphia Eagle Freddie Mitchell in play again, this time angling for blowjobs on his dates.  (Patti doesn’t approve.)  Come back!  One last time!  I promise!