Millionaire Matchmaker: Vilanch-in’

Um, no.

Bon Jovi, ‘Gasmii!  How are you today?  Are you all Botoxed up and brushing out your hair extensions?  Or otherwise refusing an age-appropriate haircut and straightening the shoulder pads on your blazer?  No?  Well.  Then you may have trouble relating to our cast of characters this week.  Don’t worry, I’ll take your hand and guide you.  Come on, it’s okay.  It’s Millionaire Matchmaker time!!Our random intro this week isn’t quite as random as it usually is.  See, Patti’s apparently “really good friends” with Judith Regan, “The Queen of All Media,” AND Bawbby and Jill Zaaarin.  I mean, they air-kiss like old friends do, for sure.  But seriously, it’s a dinner party for the super-rich and super-Bravo. It’s GOT TO be scripted when Jill Zarin suggests to Patti that she try to match Judith up with someone, right?  I mean, if they were all such good friends, wouldn’t Patti have known all about Judith’s status and interest in getting some tail?  Patti’s acting isn’t that good, as she gasps with excitement about the prospect.  Oh yay, that’s Millionairess #1!  (Also, did anyone else cringe when Patti toasted her dinner party with a cheesily inflected: “Here’s to LOO-OO-OVE!”?)

“Fakefakefake, hey, why don’t you set up Judith, fakefakefake?”

Back at the office, Patti sings a different tune, saying she’s been begging Judith to jump aboard the Millionaire Club express, and she only just now caved.  Ah, see, it was totally acting.  For whom?  It would have been just as dramatic an opener if Patti had been honest about hounding Judith and Judith finally submitting, right?  I don’t get it.  Anyway, Destin nails his line in expressing his surprise that the “Queen of All Media” would join the club.  (And for the record, I Googled that phrase, and I got Wendy Williams first, Beth Ostrosky second.  Who’s the queen now, bitch?)  Judith’s actually pretty cool, and she’s well known for her time in the publishing industry.  She got books out of Jenna Jameson, Howard Stern, and a favorite of mine, Wally Lamb.

So who else are we trying to match?  Andrea Coriander or something (I’ll get her real name for you at the official intro), a 40-year-old catering business owner. They pop in the DVD, and there’s Andrea in big sunglasses and a bad fur, standing in front of a Range Rover.  Her hair is way too long for her age.  Her boobs are out, and her forehead doesn’t move one bit.  We’re shown photos of some of the events she’s worked, and they’re gorgeous.  Andrea’s biggest problem is that she’s so focused on work, hasn’t focused on love, and is now paying the price. She’s also a control freak.

Andrea’s crazy-town trait is that she’s got a list of traits that she keeps, to help keep her on track in her search for the perfect man.  The problem is, it was written in, like, 6th grade.  She’s added to it since, I hope, but it’s written in all different colored markers and seems as childish as it looks.  Plus it’s got stuff like, “sexy” and “attractive” on it.  Well, no shit, Sherlock.  Most people want their partner to be “sexy” and “attractive”. You don’t need to put THAT on your list.  More on this list later, though.  It comes up again.  Anyway, Patti hates the list and says that for the first time in Millionaire’s Club, she doesn’t give a shit what the client wants–she’s going to give the client what SHE thinks will work.  Booyah!

This is the face of someone disliking the list.

Patti has to scurry off to lunch with Judith.  “I can’t be late for the queen, even if I’m her friend.”  She doth protest too much!  You aren’t really friends!  Deshawne’s back, by the way.  Yay!  Patti tells Deshawn that Judith is a “close personal friend” of hers, and Deshawne smiles.  Patti’s concerned about doing right by her friend, but also staying true to herself.  Deshawne smiles and says, “Good luck.”  Excellent work this week, Deshawne!

Patti meets Judith at Travertine, and there’s more air-kissing.  Judith really likes a sloppily structured jacket, doesn’t she?  She’s looking good for 56 (“almost 57,” she tells us), but her hair is a little 70s-hippie in length and style.  She’s got a great voice for radio, which is great because she’s got a Sirius radio show!  She won’t reveal what she’s worth, which is fine by me.  She’s got two grown kids, and while she’s not opposed to marriage, she just hates the idea of another divorce. We see shots of Judith at some parties in the Hamptons.  Her hair’s up in a Grecian half-up-do, and she’s wearing a billowy silk robe or something.  (She also likes the billowy silk stuff.) She wants a man with a good heart who makes her laugh. Kiss-kiss, hello, goddess.

I don’t need to make the “face for radio” joke, because it’s not true!

Patti asks the patented “Why love now?” question, but the way it’s framed makes it seem like maybe Patti’s NOT such great friends with Judith.  She doesn’t even know her very good friend’s love life back story?  Anyway, Judith didn’t marry “the first one”.  She did marry someone in her 30s, and it took longer to get divorced than she was actually married. Now she wants someone funny and smart, with a heart of gold.  Someone who’s nice to her kids. Her celebrity crush?  Oh, it’s Bruce Vilanch.  Wow.  “But he’s gay?” Patti asks.  “Perfect date for me,” Judith says.  Wow.  Patti pings on this right away, because it means Judith’s sex drive is totally defunct.  That’s gotta change.  (That’s also our first and second mentions of the word “juicy”. Get used to it.)  Because Judith is so choice, Patti’s going to hand-pick a few guys for her and present them at a dinner party.

GREAT friends.

Time to meet Andrea formally.  Andrea Correale, 40, heavy-browed. She lives in Glen Cove, Long Island.  The house they show looks like a bit of a Brady Bunch-era dump on the outside, but it’s gorgeously appointed on the inside.  She’s impressive, though, in that she started her company at age 16, and by the time she graduated college, she had 45 employees.  Holy shit.  So, after all this focus on her career, Andrea really wants to find love.  It’s time.  (And thus answers Patti’s “Why love now?”)

“Because I’m not finding men by staring creepily at them with my heavy Botox brow.”

Back to this list of Perfect Man traits.  Remember that?  Patti wants it–she wants to burn it. And…she does.  Andrea is NOT happy.  She thinks that was a little harsh.  Also, how’s Patti going to know what Andrea wants without the list?!  OMG, really?!  Hey, 40-year-old adult!  Listen up!  Putting “nice, sexy, attractive, tall, brown hair, funny, good temperament” and so forth on a stupid list is no way to help you meet the man of your dreams.  It’s really not.  That’s like saying, “I need a man who likes to breathe.”  I mean, duh.  (And I say this as a girl with her own list, but it’s a list I wrote as an adult, and it’s something tucked away deep in the recesses of my personal junk.  As in, not that important. I don’t reference it, because it’s a “nice to have”.  The must-haves don’t need to be written down, let alone in colored marker.)  Some say making a list is a good way to get a handle on what you’re looking for, which is true if you’re totally clueless.  But chemistry doesn’t match lists.  Chemistry is whimsical.  Stupid lists of stupid traits written in colored marker are NOT whimsical. They’re sad.  So I support the burning of said list.

Andrea does not support the burning of said list.

Andrea’s still not happy about the burn, but she recovers.  Patti knows that Andrea’s a control freak who has no trouble meeting men–she has trouble connecting to the right men.  So Patti’s going to ixnay the ixermay this week, doing a dinner party for Andrea as well, with a handful of choice young men for her to get to know.  I betcha that each of them will inherently meet the criteria of the now-defunct list…and then some.

Instead of a big screening session this week, Patti and crew are going to focus on their current stable of eligible bachelors, going through headshots and info sheets on each one to decide who’s a good match for Andrea.  It’s your usual stuff, about this one being too old, this one being too fat, yadda yadda. They end up with three good guys and they’re done.

For Judith, they’re actually going to head out to a comedy club and audition eligible men on stage, as stand-up comedians.  The funny guys with warm hearts will get invited to the dinner party.  Before we go, though, we take another look at Dave, the white-haired guy who seemed a little Creepy Dad for Beth the poker player a few episodes back.  Patti thinks he’ll be a good match, though, so he’s in.

And they’re off to Caroline’s some comedy club right off of Times Square.  Had I not been in NYC (and Times Square) recently, I would have been all “WHOA, they closed the street down just so Patti and Co. could walk through?”  Because that’s sure what it looked like.  Actually, the city permanently closed off some lanes and areas within that horrible intersection that is Times Square, improving traffic flow and allowing more room for tourists to crowd around. That’s how they get away with this shot. Phew.

‘Cept they ARE blocking the bike lane.  And that irks me.

I’ll spare you most of the pain of the next segment.  Picture the oldest men you normally see on Last Comic Standing, but with an audience of four.  A judgy audience of four.  One guy makes bad jokes about internet dating and a woman’s pock-marks in a horrible New Jersey/Philly accent before Patti calls him out for not being funny.  Another guy is funny, but his life story seems a little sad.  Another guy is tall and funny, so he’s in.  And another guy is shorter and funny, so he’s in.  See?  I just saved you ten minutes.  (I also spared you a few mentions of “juicy” on Judith’s behalf.)

“Heh.  Heh heh.”

It’s the day of the mixer dinner party.  Patti asked Judith to come early, so she could get her panties juicy with a meeting with Bruce Vilanch.  That’s the strangest sentence I’ve written all year, congratulations 2010!  So, Bruce is a good sport, ready to let this kind old woman down as gently as possible.  He could not be looking more like a toad, and I say that with love.  I think he’s great.  I just don’t understand the straight female crush.  Anyway, Judith arrives and is FUCKING THRILLED to see Bruce.  She glows, and then she showers him with compliments.  He loves how she smells, then tells her it’s “dicks, not chicks.”  In all seriousness, though, he offers her advice about whom to date, concluding that when she finds the right guy, he’s going to “plow her til the corn comes up”.  Nice!

“Ribbit!”

So, are you bored yet?  I am.  I fell asleep watching the first time, had to rewatch it that night, and am now watching a third time.  Sorry, it’s just not good.  Let’s just get to the dinner party and hit the highlights, shall we?

For Andrea, we have Carlos, a restaurateur from Mexico City who looked WAY better in his headshot; Lou, a sales guy who looks a lot thicker in person; and Craig, a cute pharmaceutical something-or-other.  For Judith, we’ve got the shorter bald comedian, John; a taller bald comedian, Chris; and the retread millionaire from Beth PokerPlayer’s episode, Dave.

“Cheers!  Hope you aren’t awful!”

There are two tables set–one for each grouping of millionairesses and potential dates.  Small talk ensues, and they seem to be doing okay.  Well, Judith seems a little reserved, but friendly.  Andrea, though, is looking away when people are talking and smirking a bit, too.  She seems so over it, and it just got started. (She’s particularly bored while Carlos explains his former poverty and eating an onion to survive.  NICE.)

The guys at Judith’s table want to know why she’s seeking comedians.  She says something about having done everything, seen everything, so now she just wants to laugh.  It ALMOST feels like she’s hiring a court jester rather than soliciting a boyfriend.  But don’t get too worried about that–we’ve got some in-fighting starting and that’s a lot more entertaining.  John makes a joke about having a washer and dryer, which is apparently rare and awesome in NYC.  Dave pipes up in a passive-aggressive and stupid way to say HIS washer and dryer is in his KITCHEN.  “So there!”  He didn’t actually say, “So there.”  No, he said, “Nanny nanny nah nah!”  And I’m serious.

Dave continues to be a jackass, as Judith asks Chris about his usual stand-up gigs.  He tries to explain that he works in clubs sometimes, and Dave must be drunk as he chimes in with, “Gay clubs!”  Chris rolls his eyes and says, “Heyoo!” and makes a joke about having a heckler.  Poor Chris.  Stupid Dave. Judith and Patti both make “WTF” faces.

“I can hear that guy from here, and he sounds like he sucks.”

Andrea asks her guys where they’d take her on a special trip and what would they do.  Lou starts out with an earnest description of Bellagio Italy and Lake Como and things I’ve only really heard of in movies and US Weekly articles about George Clooney.  Andrea mutters, “Unh unh” and shakes her head. Ouch.  She also puts forkfuls of food in her mouth really slowly.  It’s weird.

Finally, Rachel pulls Andrea aside to get her ‘tude in check.  This is after she says–at the table!–”I’m really disappointed.”  Ouch.  These poor guys!  It’s not like she’s all that, really, either!  And she’s so disdainful of them, and she’s pouting about her goddamn list!  Rachel’s like, “Get it together!”  Andrea insists that these are not potential life partners, “Not even close.” Patti comes by to lay it on even more thickly. These are great guys, and you HAVE to give them more of a chance!

Andrea gets her head out of her ass and decides to give it another go.  It’s like a whole different woman!  Lou warmly chides, “We just want to get to know you better.”  All three guys are soothing her, like she didn’t just insult them and leave the table because she thought they sucked.  That’s classy.

Lou, by the way.

Over at Judith’s table, the three jokesters are still competing with each other.  Chris tells Judith that a good comedian is comfortable with silence.  John notes that this is also the mark of a good relationship, when you’re comfortable with each other’s silence.  Judith jokes about her own silence, then asks for a moment of silence.  Dave’s a doofus, though, and takes that opportunity to start talking.  Judith reprimands him a bit, and he looks petulant. Patti’s had enough and switches Dave with John at the table, removing Dave from striking distance. He’s pissed, but he moves.  Judith and John really seem to hit it off, though, don’t they?  (Though he annoys me with his stand-up routine at the table.  Ugh. Something about the flight to Australia taking too long.)

Yep, you suck.

So, who’s going on the big bad dates?  Carlos will be taking Andrea out on the town, and John won the honor of taking Judith out on a nice and hopefully funny date.  And maybe he’ll get her juices going. Yes, Patti talked about juices AGAIN.

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” spot this week, Patti’s educating the men of New York on how to have better game.  Stop talking to a woman at the bar for 15 minutes and not asking for a number–step it up, ask for the digits, even if we seem intimidating.  Then she rolls out her favorite line about how coffee is cheap, drinks are an audition, lunch is an interview, and dinner is romance.  Blah and eyeroll. It’s good to see Baltimore Kanye again, though.

Okay, the dates.  You know I’m starting to lose my patience by this time in the show each week.  And really, these dates aren’t that exciting.  Sure, I’ll tell you what happened, but eh, it’s just not making me juicy.

Let’s start with Andrea.  She was supposed to let Carlos plan the date, since he’s the dude and all.  BUT, Andrea didn’t want to do that.  So she took over, planning a perfectly executed romantic dinner at some restaurant in Gramercy Park.  Okay, but that kinda emasculates Carlos a little.  Are you his mommy?  Are you simply a hostess? It looks lovely, and there she goes with putting that fork into her mouth really slowly, but…it’s weird.  Carlos feels weird. I know this because he tells us so.  Also, Andrea definitely does Botox.  Her upper face doesn’t move AT ALL.

Judith and John, meanwhile, meet at the Museum of Sex.  Wow.  Well, had they not had a pretty nice chat already, I’d worry, but I think they’re already on a path somewhere, and John can read Judith well enough to know that this won’t derail her on that path.  I appreciate that confidence, and I have to think Judith does too. (Oh wait, she just said that.  So I’m right!)  She just looks stuffy in her jacket, while John’s in a t-shirt. But she’s laughing at everything he’s saying, so I guess it’s going well.  Later, they end up some libido bar within the museum, partaking of specialty cocktails meant to engorge body parts and make things juicy.  As they sip their second drink, John asks if Judith would like to have a really nice dinner with him.  She agrees.  Yay!

Sex

SEX

SEX!!!

Back to Andrea and Carlos.  Andrea isn’t too suave, really.  She asks Carlos if he wants to know why she chose him over the other two.  Hmm.  That’s partly flattering, and partly awkward.  Carlos jokes, “My good looks?”  Andrea chuckles, then says it’s because of his passion and…oh no, ugh…because he’s in the same business.  Friend zone!!  Carlos jokes again about his looks, “Oh, so my looks had nothing to do with it?”  Oh, Andrea.  Ya blew it.  Then they grin awkwardly at each other and talk about pets. Oh GOD, then they thank each other for a nice time.  FRIEND ZONE.

Awkward…

Finally, John and Judith.  They have genuine conversation, even though John has radio voice and comedian strut going on.  Judith likes that she can already tell that he’s a softie inside. (I like that, too, when I can see inside a tough guy’s exterior to the nougatty sweetheart within.)  John talks about Central Park early in the AM before it becomes a zoo.  They actually arrange their second date to happen in the park, very early, with coffee and danish.  Sounds really sweet!

“You looked hot all strapped up.  Let’s go do it.”

So, followups with Ms. Patti.  How’d we do?   Patti calls John, and he gushes a little bit. Patti’s a little taken aback by the Museum of Sex, but she doesn’t yell at him about it until she talks to Judith.  Judith comes in for a meeting, wearing a bland suit the color of a zit covered in Clearasil.  She gushes about the date, too, talking about how she felt a pulse…in her juicy parts.  (She didn’t say that last part.)  Destin keeps checking to make sure all facets are solid, and they really are.  Judith even giggles about bringing John a danish, and that’s a crush, right there.  Yay!

Clearasil love!

Not so good for Andrea.  Patti calls Carlos, who gushes about how great a hostess and chef Andrea was, but it sure didn’t sound like a love connection to me.  Andrea comes into the office, and BAM, Patti’s mad.  “Isn’t the man supposed to plan the date?”  She slams her hand on the desk to make her point to Andrea, that by taking control on Date One, she set the tone for everything else, which is that she’ll always be in control and always serving Carlos.  And men want to be the ones to satisfy us, so let them!!  Andrea finally sees the point and agrees to go out with Carlos again.  (But isn’t the damage done?  Isn’t the tone set?)

Captions of Truth, let’s put me out of my misery for this week.  Andrea and Carlos?   Who knows?  They agreed to go out again.  I doubt that went anywhere.  As for Judith and John? They “look forward to their next date.”  Which…didn’t happen yet?  Weaksauce.

Next week! There’s a super blonde woman with super big boobs hanging out, and Patti yodels into them.  There’re silly people at the screening.  One’s slutty and one dances.  Then there’s some snotty gay dude who accuses Patti of being homophobic AND ageist.  Awesome.  Come back!  It’s Christmas and surely *I* have nothing better to do next week than write about this, right?!  Help!!