Millionaire Matchmaker: Virtue and Vaginas

This lady has one of those two V things.

Well hello, ‘Gasmii!  I’m glad to see you made it past the programming change at Bravo, which so rudely yanked Millionaire Matchmaker from its usual Monday night habitude and placed it way all the way over here in Thursday land. I was a little thrown off this week, for sure.  And my stupid DVR totally missed it, recording ONE MINUTE of some subtitled movie on IFC instead.  Thank God for encore presentations.

So, this week, we open with Patti and her manager, who says that her DVD company wants her to make another DVD.  (Did anyone catch the last one, which is apparently pre-Sensa and is called “Married in a Year”?  Any good?)  Patti really wants them to change the cover art on the first DVD to make her skinny.

Manager is all, “You need a dude,” and then calls Patti out for never, ever following her own advice.  She is too picky, she’s not putting herself out there, yadda yadda. Patti’s eyes are all Jocelyn Wildenstein here, it’s very sad.

Time to meet the millionaires on DVD. You ready?  We ain’t beatin’ around the bush here.

First up is Brandon, a Creole dude from Louisiana.  The story goes like this: he’s 34, was in love once, it ended badly, and now he’s wounded.  Destin (and his saggy knit hat) really like the guy.  Let’s see how he looks on tape.

He kinda talks like that guy from that junk-hauling episode a few seasons ago.  Not the one who made his date haul junk, but the other one, with curly hair, which they cut.  He had that “baller” speak going on.  This guy, Brandon, kinda sounds like that. Or, like Patti says, like Justin Timberlake.  He kinda looks like a biracial-and-a-lot-cuter version of Jason Gummi Bear Davis. Ouch, that was way harsh, Tai.

Someone else sees the resemblance, right?

He loves travel, he speaks different languages.  He writes poetry, but only when he’s sad. Patti thinks the sensitivity act is just that—an act.

The other guy this week is William, a 31-year-old poser.  Apparently, he owns a bank or something, but then he tries way too hard. Like, is all into fast cars and exotic women, but everyone can see right through that. It’s all for show. His last serious relationship ended because things just fizzled out.  He seems genuine, though, when he says he thinks Patti can find him a woman to spoil like his dad spoils his mom. Aww.

For the record, I’m way too wiped out this week to do all my Google research on these fools, and you KNOW I haven’t watched America’s Next Top Model enough to know the women from the dates, so be gentle with me in the comments, haha. Plus, I’m moving next weekend, so I have other things than “Google Creole Brandon” on my mind.

So, let’s meet William more in depth.  He’s from San Diego, has a really nice apartment, and likes playing tennis or sailing with his friends.  They show him at a bar with said friends, alerting each other to hotties around them with the classic panicked/said in a rigor-mortis’d falsetto “nine o’clock, nine o’clock…”.  Then he’s like, “Don’t look!”  OMG, is this 8^th grade?

Sex on boats!  Yay!  Wait, not with other dudes!

Then my lip curls with disgust when he says something about his friends asking when he’ll settle down with a nice girl, and he retorts, “I settle down with a nice girl just about every night!”  THUD.

As the intro segment ends, I find myself really irritated with the teensy caterpillar soulpatch under his lower lip.  I want it GONE.  Through the miracle of television, it IS gone by the time we see him again, which is when he’s sitting down to meet Patti.

He pours her champagne and they get to talkin’.  He likes Asian girls, and he likes Natalie Portman.  Why does he need Patti’s help?  Well, because he’s ready to settle down.  In fact, Patti calls Mommy and asks why William isn’t bringing girls home.  She immediately susses out that William’s been whoring it up and isn’t finding the right girls for himself.

Duh.

Trying too hard!

Let’s go meet Brandon more in depth, shall we?  Well, he’s an entrepreneur, so I DO Google him, to see what he’s entre-ing. I can’t actually find anything beyond some “Purple Stuff” TV thing and…well, I just don’t know.

And now my DVR just cut out on me completely. I may need to have a drink to get through this!!! And it’s still not back!  (20 min later, no television to be found at all, ugh!!) (Two days later, I FINALLY have a copy of the show to watch. JEEZ.)

Took you long enough!

I’m going to sound really un-hipwhen I write this, but did he say he founded ROCCA wear or BARACK-a-wear?  I’m Googling it, and I’m lost.  And I’m laughing my ass off at myself because I am a DORK. Anyway, I thought Rocca wear was JayZ, so maybe it is Barack-a-wear?  OMG, dork dork dork.

Not as big a dork as me.

Back to Brandon. He’s got a great loft, he’s got a great life, he’s ready to settle down with a great girl and make great babies. He’s looking to Patti for help because he’s not sure how to go about it, especially while nursing a broken heart.  It actually sounds pretty sad—he thought this girl was The One, but she felt he was selfish, didn’t listen, and she left.  What I think happened is either he’s a true gem, a great guy, and she was actually an asshole, and she left because she’s an asshole.  And here he is, internalizing it as his fault.  OR, he really IS selfish and didn’t listen, and he lost a really great girl. (My bet is on #1, that’s why he’s seeking Patti’s help, to avoid meeting Asshole again.) Patti believes he’s a good guy, and she’s excited to help.

So it IS Barack-a-wear?

Remember Dr. Pat from two seasons ago, the Three-Hole Granny sex therapist?   She’s awesome, and she’s back!  She’s meeting with William to help him be more genuine and to help him be less of a sex hound.  He looks like Pee Wee, he can’t be TOO big of a sex hound (a successful sex hound, that is), but okay.

What’s the secret word?

Dr. Pat asks William about his dealbreakers, and I can’t be bothered to report his answer, because William’s answers aren’t the excitement here.  Dr. Pat’s advice is.  She’s like, “It doesn’t matter who you’re meeting, because they’re all gold-diggers.”  Basically, the girls give up the sex way too fast, and William loses interest—doesn’t want to marry them. Ladies, it’s true. You give it up too quickly, guys think you’re not the marrying kind.  That three-date rule exists for a reason. William even agrees.

Just got done talking at length about anal sex. (Not really.)

Dr. Pat earns her keep as Three-Hole Granny by asking if William’s ever thought of NOT asking for “intercourse” on a date.  She makes sure he knows that she means oral intercourse or vaginal, too. I love this lady.

Patti grosses me out, though, by telling William he’s allowed to “kiss and fondle.”  I’m sorry, but you use “fondle” when talking about pedophilia or touching nice fabrics in a store. I fondle clothing as I walk by it, it’s true. I don’t fondle anything else, even my boyfriend. I TOUCH him. I RUB him. I… well, you get the idea.

I almost just spit out my coffee when Patti just did her patented hand gesture to indicate where penises go:  “in, in, or in”, pointing to mouth, front, and back. Ha! William’s face!

Final moments with Three-Hole Granny:  “A woman who passes the test of virtue, you can take home to your mom.  Men fall in love with virtue, not vaginas.”  I LOVE THIS WOMAN, CAN SHE BE MY THREE-HOLE GRANNY, PLEASE!!!

I love salacious grandmoms.

Casting time.  For Brandon, we want Kim Kardashian + Halle Berry, someone who’d enjoy extreme sports and such.  For William, we need an exotic beauty he can take home to mom.

I’ll try not to get wrapped up in every girl we meet, cuz they’re a dime a dozen.  But I “EW” when Patti cuts off one chick, mocking her Valley Girl accent.  That’s mean. This is the part of Patti I don’t like, especially because it’s hypocritical.  Oh, then she says something about this girl being obese!  She’s a little chunky in the cheeks (on her face), but she’s hardly obese. Patti’s an asshole today. (My own little dig on this chick, though: I saw her photo on the Bravo website and had the immediate gut reaction of “Leggings are not pants!!!” I do remember that.)

We meet a couple of lovely women who are pretty and smart and capable and only suffer a few indignities at the mouth of Patti.  Then we meet a barrage of crappy girls. Oh, I’m sure they’re lovely, but they get torn apart. One girl’s ripped on for her greasy hair (it’s true), another for being “Average Annie” (AKA “out of shape”), and another for being too masculine (she’s a trainer with Madonna arms).

Yeah, the pointy heels don’t make it feminine enough.

We meet Fahara, who reminds me of a sedate Snooki.  Then we learn she’s Chilean. So is Snooki!  I’m good.

Not Fahara

Time for the mixer! Patti makes a point to say there are some girls there she hasn’t met before, so I hope that means mixer DRAMA!

Patti’s a little hung up on Brandon being a heartbroken lump. He seems just fine to me!  And he’s doing great at the mixer.  Like, he’s an attractive guy (Gummi Bear resemblance notwithstanding), and he’s smart and has a good personality.  So, he really doesn’t need this.

William, on the other hand, is over there objectifying the brood he’s talking to. “Want to know what I like?  I like Asian women, and I like exotic women.”  What the FUCK do you say to that?  Like, in polite conversation?  With multiple women?  That’s just DUMB. Guy needs a class in social skills.  Then he asks if anyone’s ever had sex on a sailboat.  Yuck.

William goes over to talk to some Asian chick named Tammy.  When asked what she does for a living, she says, “I count pills every day.”  So, you’re a pharmacist?  “Yeah, yeah!!”  What an idiot. He keeps talking to idiots and making idiotic conversation with exotic women he finds hot. I mean, can’t blame the guy, but he’s not exactly trying hard to get past the looks.

Brandon’s talking to Rose, who I recognize from past shows. What was her deal, can anyone remember?  Was she mini-dated with one or two guys before, but never chosen?  This season or two seasons ago?  Help!

Was she involved in the date with the chauvinist short guy who talked about his big weiner? Two seasons ago?  I think he talked to Three-Hole Granny too!

Anyway, some girl asks him about tattoos solely so she can talk about her OWN and show them off.  I hate people like that. Oh, it was Rose!  Ha!  Anyway, she’s got a few Angelina Jolie style tats on her back. Good for her.

Some chick goes and sits on William’s lap, which he loves.  Patti doesn’t love it. She interrupts his gaggle of beauties, just as he’s explaining “Virtue vs. Vagina” to them. “Women do not chase, they are to be chased. You just ruined your chances!” she screams at the lap-sitter.  And, actually, she kicks lap-sitter out!

In that first pic, she looks like a drunk asshole. Love it.

Time for the mini-dates! Brandon chose Rose and Jaclyn!  William, he chose Tammy (“I count pills”) and Jaclyn!  Wait wait wait. Both chose Jaclyn. Now the esoteric rules of matchmaking game play come out (much like the end of the Packers-Saints game the other night, that a game can’t end on a defensive penalty, or whatever my boyfriend said happened).  If both guys choose Jaclyn for their master date, SHE actually gets to choose who to go out with.

William sits with Jaclyn first.  It’s like a job interview. I mean, he asks her where she sees herself in five years, for chrissakes.  Then he alerts her to the fact that she’ll be making all the decisions in their marriage, and she’s like, “Okay, but whatCHOOOOO gonna do, then?”  She gives it right back. Go Jaclyn! I like her.

Rose and Brandon’s turn.  They talk blandly about marriage ideas and if they want children.

That was the only smile on that mini-date.

Next.

William and Tammy. He can tell she’s an idiot, so he compliments her earrings, shoes, and body.  She giggles. Then he says he’s actually interested in her for her education, which kinda redeems him a smidge.  But then she frowns and says, “I hate that.”  She hates that people are defined by their work.  Well, yeah, but that’s life.  William asks her age, then what age she lost her virginity, then if she’s had one-night stands.  Yup, he’s not bringing her home to mom.

Brandon and Jaclyn have their turn. Brandon’s definitely the better bachelor tonight. Jaclyn’s also pretty great, at least based on what we’re seeing here.  She’s really pretty. And these two seem to have pretty good chemistry, actually.

So, who’d the guys choose for their dates?

Jaclyn!

That’s the answer for both!  Jaclyn’s choice. Hmm, let’s see, choose the socially awkward creep who interviewed you for a job, or choose the cute guy you had a lot of chemistry with. So, Jaclyn obviously chooses Brandon.

So, now Patti asks Tammy if she’d like to do a master date with William.  She pauses and ultimately turns William down.  Wow, shot down by both choices, bro.  Maybe you’re not so awesome after all.

Best Patti-ism of the night?  “He screwed himself in the foot.”  HA!

Anyway, now what?  Well, Patti’s like, “Hey, William, I really liked this chick Fahara [Not-Snooki] for you. Fahara, will you go out with William?”  Yes, she will.  Clap clap clap.

In the “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment, Destin makes this cute girl Erin recite poetry at Brandon. Like, slam poetry style, but for 5^th graders.  Like, about 5^th grade math. No bueno.

Get better at slam poetry.

Time for dates!  It’s Brandon’s birthday, so Jaclyn brought him a balloon. Aww, that’s really thoughtful. It’s the little things, people.

So what are these fine people doing on their date?  Why, they’re paragliding off the top of a cliff.  No biggie.  It looks cold out,  Jaclyn’s wearing a double-breasted peacoat. But, okay, why not paraglide down to the beach? Not together, mind you!  Each is mounted onto the back of a professional paraglider, so it’s not like they even get to snuggle up!  Not until they land, at least.

Fun!

Over on William’s date, they meet up at some stables because they’re going to play polo! Neither of them has played before, but William’s always been curious, so why not?  Also, William takes a practice swing at a ball and nails the cameraman. I just snorted with laughter.

I think this is immediately post-cameraman-nailing.

So, turns out Fahara really was a good match for William. Like, for the William who’s looking for a wife, not the William who wants to get laid on a sailboat and has to whisper, “Nine o’clock, DON’T LOOK!” to his friends. He thinks she’s classy and looks great on a horse.  I thought Fahara was just being nice when she accepted the date, but she said she was hoping William would pick her, actually, so there ya go!

“Nice ass.” “It’s a horse.”

Patti calls William in the middle of the date to ask what they’re doing.  Has she ever done this before?  This is weird.  Anyway, she’s annoyed that he took his date to play polo, since he’s not being genuine. But I disagree.  While he may not be a polo player, he’s not trying to present himself as a polo player. He’s genuinely a newbie, and he’s not pretending to be otherwise. Fahara said she felt comfortable about the whole thing because he was also unskilled.  So there, it’s fine.

Brandon and Jaclyn are sitting on the beach, having a picnic with champagne and gumbo.  They are totally natural with each other, having a great talk.  Ya know, if there ever was a real connection on this show, if ever a couple met and actually stayed together, I hope it’s these two.  Then they walk on the beach.  Then they smooch.  Aww.

Aww.

Fahara and William get changed and head to dinner.  He brought flowers, nice.  Fahara’s looking forward to talking more, since polo wasn’t exactly conducive to chatter.  They talk about her hobbies, where she’s from, her accent.  Then they talk about his family, where he’s from, and so forth. Much better than any date with Tammy, I think!

Fahara tells us she’s pleased with Patti’s matchmaking, which is sweet.  But I’m confused, because for all her talk of how great the match is, when it comes time for William to kiss her, she’s kinda “ew” about it. Like, pulls back a little, but still consents to a kiss or two.

Eh.

Okay, let’s wrap this up. Patti calls Fahara the next day, and she said the date went great, and they’re going out again tonight. William comes in to the office to chat, and he tells Patti that Fahara is the nicest girl he’s ever met. He’s even told his family about her already.  Okay, maybe this is a real deal connection, too!

Then they call Jaclyn.  She also had a great date, is excited about Brandon. Brandon comes in, had a great date, is excited about Jaclyn.

That’s nice!

Captions of Truth, what say ye?  Well, William and Fahara are still dating!  And I get a little teary when it says, “Brandon and Jaclyn are madly in love.”  Awww!  Yay!  I’m sure it’s not real, but still, yay!

Next week! It’s an all-gay-male episode!  We get to watch Patti match up Madison from Millionaire Whatever and some other gay millionaire, I guess.  Come back!