Millionaire Matchmaker: We’re Baaaaaaaack!

Fuck yes.

YAY!  ‘Gasmii, the Millionaire Matchmaker is back!  My life, it is again complete!  What have I done with myself for the past six months, ever since Patti wrapped up the fourth season in NYC?  Well, I cried at first.  Then I got angry. Really angry.  Then I skipped the bargaining step and went right to acceptance.  After that, I got some dinner, and my weird day of emotions was over. The next five months and twenty nine days were easy, the usual mix of work, working out, and dating a wonderful guy. (This is my first season writing about the show as a happily coupled-up person. I spent many a year being very single, so I’m sure I won’t be too smug. I still remember the pain!)  Wow, that was an elaborate set-up with an unsatisfying conclusion. Sorry.

Enough about me, let’s talk about Patti and Destin and Rachel and whatever intern/underling we’ve got to abuse this year!

My first rhetorical question is if the format will be the same this year as it’s been the previous seasons I’ve covered.  That is, we have a one-minute intro that’s tangentially related to matchmaking but is probably more about Patti’s personal life, then we have the short intro (DVDs) for each millionaire, then we get the full intros as Patti meets them, then maybe there’s a weird therapy session or makeover, then the “casting call” to get the potential dates, then the mixers, then the minidates, then the dates, then the followup?  I mean, it kinda can’t stray from that formula, can it? You know what I’ve missed the most?  Patti mixing metaphors and clichés, using the wrong words, and emphasizing the wrong words in a sentence. It’s so charming.

Here we go!

Patti starts off by complaining about how NYC didn’t appreciate her, that she’s back home where people DO appreciate her, yadda yadda.  She’s standing somewhere in the Hollywood hills, acting like a 50s pin-up model in sunglasses and a scarf, promising the moon to some rich asshole. We get the quick update about her broken engagement, which comes down to something about a long-distance relationship. (Where did Andy live??)  Seven years down the tubes, and now she’s single again. Don’t forget that she’s, like, 50 years old.

I want that scarf to go flying.

Patti looks different, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I think her eyes are different. Is it just a trick with false lashes and makeup, or did she have work done? Her chin is carved differently too. She’s previously bragged about not having work done (right?), but I think those bragging rights are over.  She looks great, though, honestly. I hope I hold up so well when I get older.  Oh, and she’s lost some weight, too.

It’s a new day, and the Millionaire’s Club is in a new office.  It’s nice—roomier and less dank. They could finally spring for the non-Superfund sites, huh?

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Never change.

We jump right into the DVDs, just as I expected. First up is Gary Mancuso, a Long Island control freak with OCD. Patti’s already annoyed because she just LEFT New York, now she’s gotta match up a boob from there. He’s in LA half the year, though. He makes his money off the internets, and he brags about his 45-ft boat. We see a photo of him on said boat, totally hairless. Patti’s like, “Yay!” (I’m like, “Ew!”…especially after Rachel confirms Patti’s feelings on the topic.  “Slip and slide?” “Slip and slide.” EW.)

Gary’s rambling on about being OCD, afraid of germs, showering often.  He says he’d CONSIDER settling down (he’s 39, I think), but the girl would need to be a total follower. Again, ew. Basically, she needs to be hot and do what HE wants. Gross.

“Wow, these guys suck.”

The other guy is Michael, a mid-30s film producer guy. He looks a lot like some actor from an 80s movie, and I couldn’t even come close to placing it for you. Any ideas?  I’m remembering a mock turtleneck collar. Maybe something military? C. Thomas Howell? That’s all I got.

Anyway, Michael is athletic, comfortable with his body, and wants someone similar. Also, he’s not in a hurry to get into a relationship (“low sex drive!” Patti chirps), has test questions for girls he’s pursuing, and generally prefers old-fashioned girls.

Patti’s already exhausted with these two and we’re just getting started!  First of all, they’re both Scorpios (watch those stingers).  Then one’s a germaphobe and one’s a “tester.”  Both need a lot of help!  Get yer cape on, woman, and save the day!

Oh yay!!! Patti’s got a driver in LA now!  Remember DeShawne in NYC, who did nothing but agree with Patti or repeat her questions as his answers? I loved DeShawne.  Josh is our new DeShawne, but he’s a white dude in a Jaguar sedan. They show him laughing, but we get absolutely no interaction with Josh.  What?!  He better start bringing out his inner DeShawne, PDQ.

“Why hello! I’m a smarmy douche!”

So, Patti meets with Michael Donnellan first.  We see him running shirtless on the beach, and I gotta say, the guts are flopping a little. For a guy who claims to be so athletic, he looks a little chunky. (Okay, okay….I’m also athletic AND chunky. It can be done.)  But, ew, he does bicep curls and kisses his hands each time they come up to his face.

Ahem. They’re called crunches.

My boyfriend will have words about the v-neck t-shirt.

Michael does art stuff for a hobby (sculpture, if we’re to believe what we’re seeing).  He’s got a tattoo running down his forearm, a pinky ring, and a hairless cat.  I start to think he’s a total weirdo, but then he says he grew up in Europe. Ohhhh…

Michael’s looking for a good girl, someone he can implicitly trust to be a good girl at all times.  Patti sits down to get deeper inside his head. She wants to know why he’s single, since he’s actually pretty good looking.  He grins and flirts with her, and she’s like, hang on.  She pushes back a little, calling him out for testing women with his stupid “have you ever gone topless on a beach?” questions, and he blinks/smiles in a carefully practiced way.  Like, he IS attractive, but there’s something fake and/or creepy going on here.

Patti’s two favorite questions to help her make matches are these: 1) Why love now? And 2) what’s your celebrity crush?  Michael’s crush is Cate Blanchett, for her elegance.  As for why he wants love now, it’s just something he feels is right for where he is now.  That’s the usual answer she gets, so I don’t know why she keeps asking it.  Anyway, she’ll set Michael up with a mixer, but he’s gotta promise not to test the women he talks to.

Oh, Patti talked a little to Josh in the car, but still nothing DeShawne-y about it.  Pout.

Gary Mancuso Jr., he of the squeaky Goodfellas voice and internet mogul fortune. Don’t forget the germ phobia (dude brings his own sheets to hotels. Wow.). Gary’s nerves show up in a weird way when he’s talking—he smiles, but his brows knit together like he’s concerned. He kinda looks like a really attractive Bobcat Goldthwait.

Not Gary.

Gary.

Not Gary.

Gary.

Anyway, Patti asks him about making a girl shower after they go to dinner and the club (something he specifically said on the DVD), and he’s like, “What?  Who said that? Me?  No.  No, you got it all wrong.”  Patti’s annoyed. It doesn’t even look like he’s making good eye contact. He’s shifty. He gives more answers to contradict the DVD, which puts Patti into grill mode. (Grill as in “asking questions,” not “bringing out a Weber and forcing Gary to lay across it,” though that may be an effective way to get a truthful reply out of him.)

Ugh.

Time for the casting call!  What weird ladies in bad clothes will we get this week?

Oh wait, let’s meet Mara real quick.  She’s the new “recruiter”.  Remember when Rachel was the recruiter and Patti would kick her ass every week?  Ah, good times.

Anyway, Mara brings in the first batch of ladies.  One’s an immediate match for Gary, the germ freak. She agrees to take a shower mid-date, but she’s NOT doing her hair twice. Patti’s like, “ooh, damn girl, snap, I like you!”  Patti asks another girl where she’s from, obviously trying to get a nationality out of her.  The girl’s like, “I’m from LA.” HA!  Patti tries again, stumbling over the word “ethnicity” as it comes out. The girl is Mexican, FYI. And she gets picked for Gary. Some girl who looks a little like Jacqueline from RHONJ gets picked, also for Gary.

“What eth-i-ni-ci-t-y are you? Also I hate that jumpsuit.”

Aww, remember how Patti insults the girls? It’s so sweet. Dresses, hair, weight, whatever—you’re in for an insult if you come to see Patti for a date. Totally fun!  One girl really gets the full treatment about her teeth. She suffers through it, but later says Patti’s a bitch.  She’s right!

A former Playmate is tossed because she is too wild for conservative control-freak Michael.  She also needs to find her eyebrows, because they seem to have gone missing.

Other girls’ outfits are picked apart. One girl put a cute striped skirt over a red fitted dress, and Patti makes her take the “awful” skirt off right then and there.  Provided she doesn’t wear that skirt to the mixer, she’s invited. Another girl is wearing a bolero jacket (with shoulder pads, I think) over a sheath dress (with a belt) over thick pantyhose, the kind figure skaters wear. Ew. They make her take off the jacket, the belt, and the pantyhose. Much better!

They actually got this one right, though, gotta say.

Some woman named Tammy comes in, doing cutesy curtsies and fake modesty gestures that annoy me a little, but once you get past that, she’s okay.  They love her for Michael because she’s smart and funny, but she isn’t dressed like a whore.

Did she get punched on her way in the door? Or is she the next victim on the Ring?

Kate Middleton?! I thought she got married already! To a millionaire! OH PATTI.

Time for the mixer!  Michael’s fine, all smarmy and tall and confident. Gary’s all shifty and weird, admitting to Michael that he didn’t get along with Patti, later confiding in us that Patti got him wrong, etc. He’s just WEIRD.  Right, ladies?  Don’t open your pants to guys like this.

“Meet my weirdos! There’s a reason they’re single!”

“Yay.”

Meet Patti’s millionaires!  The women all cheer!  The guys are set loose into the throng, ready to find their future wives. (Yeah right.) Gary seems to latch onto “where are you from?” as his main icebreaker, moving from one-on-one inquiries to shouting, “Who here is not from California?!” over the crowed. Wow.  Michael seems to know his goof when he asks a girl from Connecticut if the state still had the highest per capita income. The girl was like, “Uh, I have no idea, weirdo.”  To another girl who’s trying to kiss a little ass, he condescends, “Good for you.” Yuck.

Otherwise it’s the usual glut of boobs and mascara, all vying for attention from two dudes who really think they’re hot shit right now.  Patti drags Tammy, she of the fake modesty gestures, over to meet Michael, and he’s an immediate fan. Well, that’s always good when Patti gets her hunches right.  That, my friends, is why she’s the millionaire matchmaker.

So, the guys get to pick two for the mini-dates. Michael picks a pretty brunette named Jenny, who’s a fitness instructor from the Midwest. I think she said she worked on a farm for a long time, too. Old fashioned girl, here we go!  He also liked fake modesty Tammy, who seemed more genuine and lively at the mixer.

Gary chose Bonnie, the Mexican girl Patti grilled, and Tiffany, some girl with huge eyes who likes boats.  Patti’s worried that Gary’s too physically driven, isn’t trying to connect with women beyond genitals.

Michael’s mini-date with Jenny is kinda boring. They talk about the farm for a while, and then he talks about biology and physics. It’s so boring, I’m tuning out, and I have to recap this shit!  Ugh, REWIND.   Oh, nevermind, there really wasn’t anything else, other than Michael doing the first-date thing I HATE which is when someone asks you, “Tell me more about you.”  WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?!  Christ, ask a real question.

Gary’s asking Tiffany if she’s serious about liking boats. I’m sure she’s playing it up so she can get a date with a millionaire and be on TV, but she’s all “yeah, totally.”  Gary asks about taking a Thursday-to-Tuesday boat trip, and she’s totally cool with it. (But what kind of shower expectation is going on in this scenario, hmm?)

Tami (oops, been spellin’ it wrong) has her mini-date with Michael, and they seem to have a better time. She’s fine with talking on and on about her traveling and whatnot, and Michael seems impressed.  They try to talk to each other in Italian, which is sweet. (It’s his first language.)  I hope he picks her.

Gary’s turn with his second mini-date, Bonnie. It’s not going so well. He goes back to boating as his favorite topic of conversation (“where are you from” being his favorite icebreaker), and Bonnie’s not experienced on the water. She’s like, “I’m open to trying new things.” (If I were answering this guy, I’d tell him ALL about my need for a scopalomine patch, how boat exhaust makes me sick, and that I’d prefer to jump into the ocean to pee rather than using “the head.” The name just grosses me out.)  Whatever, Gary’s super-focused on asking questions in an intense, control-freak kind of way, and Bonnie’s kinda not into it. I bet he picks her!

So, no surprises. Michael, who seems to be a little better grounded, chooses Tami.  Patti wants him to focus on romance for the date (not testing!). Gary, who’s a bit touched, chooses Bonnie, with whom he had zero chemistry. Awesome. Patti tries to steer him away from Bonnie, but he’s dead-set on dating the hotter one. Again, awesome. (Aww, yay, we have our first “penis does the picking” of Season Five!)

Dates time!

Gary gets Bonnie from the limo that dragged her out for the date. She doesn’t seem to be terribly into it, and I can’t blame her. Oh, they’re going for a helicopter ride. Bonnie’s DEFINITELY not into it, as she usually gets airsick. Gary tells us that she seemed to be having a good time, wasn’t too nervous, etc. Contrast that with actual footage of Bonnie saying, “I hate this” and “this is so horrible.” She’s leaning into him, looking to him for comfort, and he’s more concerned about the view. FAIL. Gary’s going to be dry for the lifetime. (My favorite Patti botch job.)

Not having a grand ol’ time.

Michael, on the other hand, set up a photo shoot with Tami and his own Mercedes AMG MacLaren or whatever the hell it is (I used to get both “ampersand” car magazines, and yet I can’t quite remember what this car is called, and I’m far too exhausted to Google it, and y’all don’t care!)  He’s got a wardrobe person and hair/makeup team at the ready. Like, the works.

Tami arrives, and when she learns she’s going to be photographed by her date on their first date, she’s like, “Hey, that kinda sucks.” She doesn’t want to be the center of attention, and frankly, it’s a little weird.  When Michael explains to US why he thought it’d be a good date, it’s clear that “romance” wasn’t in mind. Nope, he’s testing her. How she performs under pressure. What a sweetheart he is.

Not only is she taking part in this awful photo shoot (she looks gorgeous AND she’s a good sport, by the way), but Michael himself is directing the shoot AND taking the photos. That is really awkward. The more specifically he directs her, the less of a champ she is about it all. Poor girl. Finally, it’s all finished and they can go to dinner.  Tami’s like, “Finally, I get to ask YOU questions??!”

“What can I do to make this more uncomfortable for you?”

Back to Gary, who’s now dragging Bonnie onto a boat to see how she likes it. I can already tell you that she doesn’t like it. She’s all dressed up in a nice black cocktail dress, probably having just chased away the airsickness, and now he wants to make her seasick. She’s pretty obvious in her displeasure, and Gary is pretty oblivious in his eagerness to get on that boat.

Anyway, they get dinner started while sitting at dock, I guess, and Bonnie’s like, “hey, so we have nothing in common, right?  Oh, and you’re not looking at me.”  Gary is the typical closed-off goofball who wants to get laid and doesn’t really think about anything beyond that. I hope hope hope Bonnie’s smart enough to know that whatever he does to “charm” her on this date, it’s just for panty entry, not because he sees a future with her at ALL.

Oh, then Gary’s so smooth, he says “we’ll know if we have chemistry when we kiss.” Bonnie schools him about ASKING for a kiss, so he grabs her head and pulls her in.  At first it looks like she’s like “ew” but then she seems to acquiesce, so there ya go. Then the boat takes off for what looks like a very chilly ride.

“Shut up and kiss me. Because I hate talking. I’m bad at it.”

Back again to Michael. He brings Tami to a nice restaurant, telling us how important it is that he hears from her what kind of things she’s into, what she’s got to say about the world. So why on earth did you make her get dressed up for the stupid photo shoot nonsense?  You are a creep!

They talk about their families and upbringing for a bit. He’s of the mindset to keep moving, don’t stay in one place too long. She prefers to consider one place to be home (in her case, Utah). And then the food comes and they dive in, and that’s that.  Oh, but then they smooch. I’m actually kinda excited for Tami in how Michael goes in for it—he kisses her hand, then he pulls her in to kiss her on the cheek. But then he holds her there to whisper in her ear, asking if she had a good time today. He keeps holding her there, asking her again if she had a good time with him, then turns his head slightly to connect with her mouth.  Heyooo!  That’s how you do it, folks. Oh, then he goes in for the full make-out sesh at the table, which I’m NOT a fan of.  Oh, but then he asks for date #2 while still on the first date, which I AM a fan of.  We’ll see how this plays out.

Smooth move, ExLax.

(On second thought, his kiss approach was totally control-freak asshole.  I wrote that first part not having seen the end. Now that I know he really is an ass, I can’t compliment his style.)

Okay, time to follow up on these dates. Whoa, Destin’s got his mohawk down. Looks totally different. Better!  Anyway, they call Bonnie first.  She reports that Gary was nervous, but she’d go out with him again.  Really? Well, he did promise to take her to a Lakers game. Gary arrives at the office to discuss in person. Patti’s not sure which Gary she’s going to get. Well, she got one she likes, one who reveals that he’s been in constant contact with Bonnie since the date.  So, success, I guess? (Not really.)

Now they call Tami. Rachel’s sitting in on the call this time. When Tami reveals the photo shoot portion of the date, Patti and Rachel are appalled. Then Tami says she hasn’t heard from him since, that he didn’t take her number. Patti is pissed.

Michael comes in to face the firing squad. He looks shocked—SHOCKED—that his date choice was considered to be negative.  What?  I wasn’t testing her, I was taking photos of her for hours, forcing her to be really uncomfortable, interested in how she’d take it!  He’s like, “I thought she’d want to be the center of attention.” Patti’s like, why would you think that??!  He shuts it down by saying, “I don’t care.” Uh oh.  Patti polishes up her horns, cuz she’s about to lock ‘em with a mothafucka.

“(n-word -that-ends-with-”a”-not-”er”)  dire cosa?“

Michael keeps trying to explain himself, telling Patti to be quiet and listen, and she ain’t having it. She tells him to stop disrespecting her and kicks him out. By the flush of red on his neck and chest, I know he’s actually all angered up. This wasn’t for show. He leaves Patti with a nice insult in Italian, “Go fuck yourself, whore.”  Classy, Michael!  Go take that stupid, useless, pale goatee somewhere else!

Captions of Truth, what say you?  Well, surprisingly, Tami and Michael went out on another date, but then Tami pulled the plug because Michael was “off.”  Yay!  Good girl.  Supposedly, Bonnie and Gary are on a path to success.  I’m not so sure.

THIS SEASON on Millionaire Matchmaker!!!  A cute blond forces a nerdy guy to kiss her and he really doesn’t wanna! Jenni McCarthy and Tori Spelling make appearances? Oh, and there’s that Madison guy from the Million Dollar Listing show. There are some smooches.  Oh, and Patti’s dating, and we apparently get to see some of that. Otherwise, it’s the same old shenanigans with Patti yelling at people, clients looking confused and/or pissed off, stripper poles, and rude comments during date casting.  Oh, and there’s a drag queen Patti out there, with Season One bangs, rasping “Meet My Millionaires!”. YAY!  Come back next week, we’ll talk!

(Now, who’s going to be the first person to comment on the irony of Patti being a single matchmaker who lost her fiancé?  C’mon, I’m waiting!!!)