Millionaire Matchmaker/Watch What Happens Special Recap

And absolutely no relevant photos from the show, sorry! I could include pics from our vacation last spring to the Grand Canyon if you like?

Hey there, ‘Gasmii! If you weren’t paying attention last week or at all the rest of the week, you probably eagerly tuned in to Bravo this week to catch Millionaire Matchmaker. But you were denied…DENIED! You see, this week, it was a Watch What Happens LOVE SPECIAL featuring yours truly. No, not me, Patti Stanger.

Why is Andy talking SO SLOWLY in the intro? Too many ‘ludes?

Anyway, this isn’t an actual episode of Millionaire Matchmaker, just some dumb special featuring Patti for a while in her natural-ish, semi-unscripted environs, and we’re just going to go with it. I won’t recap every moment, because who cares? (I know that you really don’t. Santa told me.) But we’ll cover all the best stuff. Or what I thought was the best stuff, cuz I’m the one spending my downtime writing this stuff. Okay??

Anyway, hi! The whole hour, it’s just Andy and Patti chatting it up. I actually prefer Patti in these circumstances. She’s much more down-to-earth than she normally appears on the show, is just smart and (mostly) good with her words. And generally, I like her advice. She may have a crappy TV show that’s more about PR for rich dudes than it is about love, but she actually knows what she’s talking about to some extent.

First of all, they keep interrupting to show “sexy singles” that are available for you to tweet at during the show. Some of them seem sexy. Some don’t. What did you think?

Andy compliments Patti on her weight loss and maintenance. She thanks him and admits an addiction to spinning. I think she means cycling, cuz she’s too big to be spinning otherwise.

Random questions are the order of the night. Basically, a bunch of people ask questions and Patti answers them succinctly. And then Andy makes up weird segments to ask Patti even more questions.

First one: “What should a woman get her dude for Valentine’s day?” Patti wants people to get not boring gifts—a shared hobby, sports, a book, something they had recently been talking about. Yes, that’s totally generic and good advice, thank you. ( I got my husband matching Dothraki keychains with Dany/Drogo’s pet names on ‘em. Good, huh?)

Then, “how do you keep romance going when you’ve been married for a while?” Basically? Make sure you bone each other a few times a week. Intimacy helps keep the bond fresh. And if you’re not/never in the mood, fake it til you make it. Cuz you will. Make it, that is, to orgasm or something close.

Someone else wants to know Patti’s advice on her next steps in her 4-yr relationship with her boyfriend. Patti has some stupid advice that you’re only supposed to hang on for a year before you get engaged, and after that, the ring goes up a carat. So she needs a 4 carat ring? No fucking way. Get real. Seriously.