Millionaire Matchmaker/Watch What Happens Special Recap

And if you’re a single parent, go online. Duh. Just be careful about it. Don’t get yourself caught in a Catfish situation. Patti rattles off some red flags to tip you off to a Catfisher—not wanting to meet, can’t talk, wants you to send more photos, etc.

Then we kick it over to some people who are on that Vanderpump show, which I’ve never seen, and they’re all cutesy, asking what one should do if one’s boyfriend neglected to get a present for someone for Valentine’s day. By the way, Andy just called them “drama llama ding dongs.” Just FYI. Anyway, Patti advises this chick to “cut it off.” Cut off the relationship, and chop off the weiner. *nods, takes notes*

Then another Vanderpump girl asks Patti, with a salacious arch of her brow, how she can show her boyfriend how much she appreciates him this Valentine’s Day. You already know how Patti’s going to answer, right? If you said, “With a BJ,” you win a few dollars! Congratulations! See Flipit at the end of the show for your payout.

Then we talk to some overly tan buffoon on that Vanderslice show, who’s obviously the poor gent who didn’t get that first girl a present. He wants to know how to make things up to his girlfriend. Patti slips into cougar mode for just a moment before she answers him. But wait, she’s answering the question as though the guy cheated, but I thought he just didn’t buy her a Valentine’s day present?

Anyway, Patti talks about how couples should let each other look at phone logs and text and emails and whatnot, to help soothe the anxiety about cheating. I disagree. I don’t want someone reading my shit, and I don’t want to read his shit either! Let’s just have a loving relationship and if shit happens, deal with it. Don’t enter into a disrespectful, distrustful space just to feel like you’re preventing something you can’t prevent or control anyway!

So, like I sez before, Andy came up with weird gimmicky things to do with Patti whilst she’s on the show. One is called “Spill the Pat-tea,” which I don’t even understand, and I know sayings and clichés. What am I missing? So, the “game” is that he’ll show photos of couples from other Bravo shows, and Patti will say the first thing that comes into her head about ‘em.

• Nene and Greg? She loves them!
• Lisa and Ken? She loves them!
• Theresa and Joe? No bueno. But Patti loves Theresa.
• Adrienne and some guy. I don’t watch this show. Patti’s friends with the brother. She says, “cougar it ‘til you get bored.”
• Lisa and Lenny (Miami housewives)? He’s putting too much pressure on her about having a child.
• Phaedra and her dude? Patti slams the guy a bit by saying, “My boyfriend and I have a similar dynamic, where I’m more successful…” ouch! She likes them.
• Gretchen and Slade? Slade needs to get his finances in order and put a ring on it.
• Candy and some guy? Patti thinks they look “tight.”
• Joanna and Roman from Miami? No! no no no! Patti messes up “Danger, Will Robinson” and says “warning” instead. Ha!
• Melissa and Joe (RHONJ)? They’re good. They’re fine.
• Yolanda and David Something. Who? Patti likes them.
• Kyle and Mauricio? Amen, good work snagging the Mexican Jew! (She said it, not me!) (She actually said, “Mexi-Jew.”)