Millionaire Matchmaker/Watch What Happens Special Recap

We come back from commercial to some cheesy montage of Bravo stars I don’t know, talking generically about Valentine’s day and how they plan to celebrate. It’s boring!

Did you know that Patti has a boyfriend? And his name is Dave? Anyway, she mentioned how they’re not celebrating V-day on Thursday because she’s traveling, but they will when she gets back this weekend. Andy asks how long they’ve been together and she pretends she doesn’t know for sure. She knows.

One girl calls in with some involved question about some guy blowing her off for spin class instead of doing their planned date, and now he’s come calling again, should she go out with him? Patti says, “Yeah, but make him pay for it.” Give him Monday night—a classic cue that you’re not really into him (yet) and make him literally pay, pick an expensive restaurant. I was with Patti until the very end. No need for that shit. Just be real, everyone. It’s so much easier that way.

Some girl on the street asks why guys cheat. Patti reminds us that women usually cheat more than men do. “We just don’t get caught.” Like that’s something to be proud of. Anyway, she says men cheat because they’re bored or their wives aren’t having sex with them enough, usually. That’s not really a great answer, cuz duh, but okay.

Some lady sitting at her desk at work asks how she can find a man who’s supportive of her being a workaholic. Patti suggests that she date a coworker, just not someone who’s in the office every fucking minute of the day with her. I don’t care for this advice, by the way. Don’t shit where you eat.

Patti’s advice is so generic. One guy asks what to do when you don’t get along with your partner’s friends. Patti’s like, “Limit your time with them, but be nice when you DO have to spend time with them.” Well, obviously.

Phaedra asks Patti when she’s going to find HER match. Finally, someone asks what everyone in the comments section of my recaps has been asking weekly for years! Patti says she found her dude Dave on Plenty of Fish. I LOL at that, because that’s the worst site there is! Well, no, eHarmony is worse. But POF is full of men just ACHING to send you pictures of their cocks. Like, literally throbbing with need for that to happen. So that is FUNNY.

One chick in ugly sunglasses asks what to do with a boyfriend who’s a bad gift giver, or who hasn’t learned your style yet. Patti suggests that you send him emails of stuff you want. WUT? I never thought to tell someone my wish list before, that’s so cool! I’m learning something new tonight!

One of the chicks on Shahs of Sunset is shown on a date, talking about her ex to her date. No good. Like, telling her date about her ex, how long they were together, that she’s still in love with him, and (picture my voice getting louder and squeakier with each clause) WISHES HE WERE HERE!!! What the fuck!