Millionaire Matchmaker/Watch What Happens Special Recap

So, this Lilly chick calls in to the show, and Patti’s like, “This ain’t rocket science.” And Lilly’s voice is terrible. And Andy asks if she has trouble meeting men (she doesn’t). And she thinks she’s a lost cause cuz she’s so hung up on her ex. And she said she sabotaged that date on purpose. Patti advises Lilly to date up—older.

Oh, that mustachioed guy from Shahs of Sunset talks about a memorable V-day night. He set a hotel room on fire but had good sex. GOOD FOR HIM.

When is it okay to fart or poop in front of your dude? Per Patti, never! Well, let’s not have poop parties in the bathroom, but you may fart in front of people if you have to. I hate to do it because I get shit (pardon the pun) for how my farts smell, but otherwise, I’m happy to fart around my husband. He farts around me all the time!

Why does Patti tell all the women to dress like hookers? Because it helps sell the women to men. Um, okay, is that enough to answer the question?

How do you get over an ex? Don’t get back together with him, and go fuck someone else.

How’d Chef Roble’s date go? Well, she’s dressed like a hooker, so she’s following the rules already. She compliments him on looking good, and he thanks her. No return compliment. No good! Per Patti, he’s a narcissist! They eat dinner. They put each other’s numbers in their phones and hold hands as he walks her out. They seemed to have a good time. BAM, done.

When Roble checks in with Andy and Patti, they ask him to explain why he handed the girl his phone to have her put her number into it. It’s because he’s too multi-tasky and busy. But, you were on a date? I don’t get it. Patti says that next time, he should take her number and then immediately text her so she’s got his number too. It’s more suave.

Oh, another game! It’s called Slot of Love. Basically, Andy will name a celebrity, and then they’ll pull a handle on a slot machine to get two potential matches, and Patti has to say who’s the better match. Yikes, who came up with this contrivance?

• Katie Holmes? Bradley Cooper or Leonardo DiCaprio? Leo doesn’t go for brunettes, so it has to be Bradley Cooper.
• Taylor Swift? Time Tebow or Prince Harry? Patti rambles on about Taylor’s sex-life (that she’s aggressive, but that she “locked it” for Harry Styles, which is why they broke up).
• Brandy Glanville? Johnny Depp or Adam Levine? Patti thinks both are terrible choices BECAUSE THEY’RE SHORT, but she ultimately thinks Johnny Depp is better.
• Britney Spears? (isn’t she engaged?) Tom Cruise or Josh Groban? Tom.
• Bethenny? Simon Cowell or Gerard Butler? She’d prefer to sleep with Gerard but Simon’s more rich. So, Simon.
• Kenya Moore? Idris Elba or Collin Farrell? Idris. Duh.