Millionaire Matchmaker: Haulin’ Junk, heyooooooo!

Pecker!!! Oh, I’m sorry. Hi! Welcome to the third season of Millionaire Matchmaker, where weirdos with too much money and not enough sense get set up on micromanaged dates with models and pharmaceutical sales reps (or gay men)! Sure, the occasional normal person slips in, but that makes boring TV. Bring on the freaks, and bring on Lady Patti Stanger!So, back to what I was saying. It’s a whole 10 seconds into the new season, and she’s already telling someone to stop pointing their pecker in the wrong direction. Ah, I haven’t heard the word ‘pecker’ since Season 2 ended, and I welcome it with a warm, slobbery embrace. Patti’s taken the advice of her viewing public and has brushed her bangs to the side. It looks good! Too bad she’s still rockin’ the nude lipstick. Terrible.

Patti reminds us about her business, the Millionaire’s Club–a club for successful men and women looking for their lifemate. (And yes, it’s got an apostrophe. So it’s not a set of plural millionaires–it’s a club that the millionaire, singular, owns. I’d rather it be Millionaires’ Club. But I’m a nitpicky asshole.) Her usual clients are the quiet millionaires next door, the rich a-hole billionaires who don’t want people knowing their business, and everyone in between. She’s got a 99% success rate, she’s serving humanity, yadda yadda. We know this. Moving on.

Right off the bat, we get to hear about Patti’s recent engagement to her boyfriend Andy. Awww, take THAT, bitches! She shows off her huge honkin’ ring. It’s gorgeous, except it’s heart-shaped. Ick.

Patti and Andy get interviewed on a red carpet somewhere. Patti’s been hitting the bronzer a little too hard, and Andy says she’s a “special lady”. What is she, your sprightly Grandma? “Special lady”?? Anyway, it seems that this season will introduce some wedding planning drama. I hope that bitchy Josie girl from last season pops up somewhere to screech at Patti about her centerpiece choices.

Back at the office, we get to catch up with Destin, the vampire-toothed mohawk guy, and his fiance, Rachel. Maybe my memory is short, but is this a new chick? The old chick was really skinny and had blue bangs. This one’s a little bigger and has pink bangs. Whatever. Destin and Rachel just had a baby together. I guess it’s the same chick plus a little baby weight. No problem.

Chelsea’s back, too, and her new blonde hair looks awful. She already has an unfortunately chipmunky face, and the blonde ain’t doin’ a thing for her.

She still rocks a hot body, though, wearing a shorter skirt to work than some chicks would wear to the club. Ah, Los Angeles. Patti’s also wearing a rather short skirt, and while I thought she’d lost a little weight, her cellulite is on display when she sits on the glass desktop.

So, let’s meet Patti’s millionaires! Since Chelsea’s the main matchmaker, she gets to introduce the first candidate, Nick. Nick owns a trash business. Delicious. He and one of Destin’s clients, Omar, own this business together. College Hunks Hauling Junk, or some shit. Omar is pretty cute. But he’s paranoid that women only like him for his money (all $5M of it!).

Then we meet Nick. Chelsea prepares us for his ridiculous speaking style–and she’s right. He tries to be all playa, and it’s ridiculous. Patti immediately starts to mock him. I love when she goes there, pickin’ on people with a totally straight face. “‘Yo yo yo, What up?’ You’re JEWISH!” and she fakes a yenta accent. Nick’s video continues, with him waxing poetic about wanting a girl with a great ass. Patti looks to her cohorts and says, “I don’t want to play with that penis! Do YOU want to play with that penis??” Nick hits a nerve with Patti when he questions her matchmaking skills and pedigree. Patti hates men who challenge her. YAY! Bring it on! Chelsea wipes the snail trail from the glass desk after Patti leaves.

Off to Omar and Nick! Omar greets Patti warmly, and Nick stares her down, undressing her with his creepy eyes. Ugh. I do not get a good feeling about this chump at all. He keeps making thug-baller mouth at Patti, too. Ew.

Omar’s first. He’s based out of Tampa and feels he’s just not meeting the right girls. Patti asks what he’s looking for, since he’s half-Egyptian and half-Italian. Does he want exotic? Sounds like he does. Then Patti asks about Omar’s dream date. Ooh, ladies, here’s a true Lothario for you–he wants to haul junk with a girl. (And I call that the third date! Thank you! Tip your waitress!) Really, he’s just testing girls to see if they’re high maintenance gold diggers. Patti says, “This is why you’re single.” She also talks about getting girls to spread. Stop. Stop talking about spreading.

Now we meet Nick. Nick’s also based in Tampa and fancies himself to be an aggressive ballbuster. Oh yay. He all but calls Omar a pussy. Patti immediately attacks his hair, and I applaud her for it. He looks like some wooly-headed weirdo that goes to my gym. (That guy at my gym is on Match.com and described himself as having abnormally large eyes, which meant he could locate loose change on the floor in the dark pretty easily. I’m not kidding.) She also calls him out for his hip-hop speak, which he calls his swagger. He’s defensive at this point and again questions Patti’s abilities.

Patti asks Nick about his ideal woman. He says, “How can you find her for me after a 20-min conversation when I’ve been looking for her for 27 years?” Whoa, buddy, cool it. Eventually, he actually answers the question and offers that his MOM says he dates Barbie dolls with no intellect. Is anyone surprised? Patti wants to try to break him of his “Barbie Doll Habit.” She reminds him, as I’m sure we’ll hear several times an episode, no sex before monogamy. And fluffs him up with the idea that he’ll be back in town soon, since his business and its franchises are boomin’. He lightens up a little after this.

Now we get to screen the women Patti will set up Nick and Omar with. First, Rachel pre-screens them. Not one girl in the room has ever dated a millionaire before. Where do they find these girls, anyway? Casting calls, Craig’s List, Adult Friend Finder, the food court?

I LOL when Patti tells one woman that she needs to look “less Puerto Rican”, inferring that the woman isn’t dressed in a modern enough style. I don’t know what that even means, really, but I laugh anyway.

We meet a few other very nice girls, some dancers and some waitresses. One is an academic tutor, but she tarted herself up in a purple sequined dress. (Which reminds me of an asshole thing I did recently. At my last high school reunion, I complimented a girl on her sequined dress, then added, “I wore something like that for Halloween!” Yes, I was drunk. No, she didn’t talk to me again after that. Oops!) I have a feeling Omar’s going to pick this one.

Then Patti has me rolling when a trio of fugly women walk in. She immediately calls them out for being frumpy and dumpy and asks them, three strangers, “What’s up with the frump?” How do you even answer that question? One girl stares ahead mutely; another one looks down at herself, like, “What?”; and the third looks at the second girl with a “yeah, she’s definitely talking to you” face. Patti tells them they look cheap and to come back later when they’re more prepared. Burn!

Destin tells us what we already know, which is that Patti is lacking a filter when it comes to assessing women for the millionaire mixers. She just pukes out her opinions and that’s that. Which is why I watch this show–it’s hysterical. She calls out one chick for wearing dumb tights, and when the girl defends herself, Patti asks, “When did you last have a boyfriend?” Turns out it was five years ago. “Do you have a vagina??” She also calls her a lesbian. And thank you!

Patti dumps on Rachel a bit for pre-screening the ugliest batch of women she’s seen in a long time. The tirade goes on for a while, about getting the dumpiest of the dump, etc. The mixer is tomorrow–will they be able to find some decent hotties in time??

Before the mixer, Patti has Omar meet with a life coach to see if Omar should pull his tricks on women, testing them by having them haul junk on a date. Patti reminds Omar that women in LA aren’t gonna go for a junk-hauling date. (Again, third date! Hey-oooo! Try the veal!) Seriously, though, she squicks me out when she says, “Coochie ain’t gonna get wet.” WOW. Can she say that on TV?! DAMN!

The life coach probes a little, and Omar’s first sentence is about his concern about gold diggers. Patti stops him right there, assuring him that her #1 rule for the service is that the girls are not allowed to dig for gold. I don’t exactly know how this can be monitored or mitigated, but whatever. Omar’s not convinced. Patti tells him that the only girl who’s gonna pick trash with him on a first date is an unattractive, desperate zero. She’s right.

Patti nixes the trash date and suggests a hot air balloon ride, since high-oxygen dates promote chemical and biological responses that are conducive to love. That’s fine, except that as you go up in the air, the air gets thinner. So, they’re really need to take a ride in a hyperbaric chamber or something to get that effect. Patti’s really being a hard-ass about the no-trash-date rule, and Omar is pretty adamant about having his date haul trash.

Mixer time! Nick and Omar creepily survey the girls and talk smack on ‘em and also on Patti. Patti explains how she pulled some finer matches from her database, since Rachel’s picks sucked. There are definitely some cute girls in there, and they’re all wearing jewel-toned satin dresses. I hate jewel-toned satin dresses.

Patti pulls Nick aside to talk about his awful hair. She actually calls in an emergency stylist to trim him up, give him some shape. He says to Omar, “I’ma cry!” Oh, hush. The stylist takes off quite a bit, and the dude does look a LOT better. He hates it. I think that once he gets into the mixer and gets some potential tail, he’ll be happy with it.

And it’s time to mix! Omar sinks while Nick swims. Seriously, Omar has a huge chip on his shoulder. I would have walked away from him the second he said, “You guys need to say something interesting.” Asshole. I note that the blondes are still smiling, while the cute brunette, Farah, looks pissed. I bet Omar picks her! Meanwhile, Nick’s got a sweet smile and is talking easily with everyone.

Guess what? Patti’s crew and Nick and Omar sit down to choose ladies. Omar chooses Farah! Oh, good. I think she hates him. Excellent.

Nick’s first match is Dakota, the “too Puerto Rican” woman from before. They have their first one-on-one. She’s 33 and Nick is 27, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He seems to have a good enough game, but he’s chugging his gin and tonic. Turns out, Dakota is a little intimidating for him.

Omar’s first match, Farah, comes into the lion’s den. Omar has NO game. He asks one loaded question, and just as Farah starts to answer, very genuinely, he switches gears on her and asks what type of guy she normally goes for. I feel so bad for her already. I like her even more when she says, “You are so nervous!” and he jumps. She just shrugs. Love it.

Nick’s next match is Carlie, a blonde 21-yr-old surfer girl who Patti thought reminded her of Jennifer Anniston. (If so, that’s a pretty big insult to Jennifer Anniston.) Carlie, when asked if she’s traveled outside the country, admits that she hasn’t–she’s only been to Mexico and the Caribbean. Um, honey, that’s outside the country. Even if we were talking a contiguous land mass, the Caribbean still counts! Nick has to choose between the young blonde Barbie he’s used to (Carlie) or the challenging, dark-haired older woman (Dakota). I’m sure he picks Carlie.

Omar’s next one-on-one is with Rachel, the academic tutor. He asks her if she likes the usual dates, and she says no. He lights up. Then she talks about more exciting dates. I bet she’s hinting at dates with lots of adrenaline, not dates with lots of trash bags.

Patti meets up with Nick and Omar after their one-on-one time with the ladies. Nick likes Carlie because she was more his comfort zone. Patti calls her naive and a cherry ready to be popped. Yikes! He again speaks of how intimidating and unusual Dakota is to him. Patti encourages him to choose her. He gulps.

Omar’s turn to choose, and he’s completely indecisive. Anyone surprised about that? Patti calls in his boy, Nick, to help him choose. Omar STILL can’t decide. His pecker is defective–he can’t even decide who he’s more sexually attracted to. Omar sucks.

The reveal–who’d the guys pick? Nick picked Dakota, who reacts with complete shock. Omar picked Rachel, the tutor. Something about her teeth bugs me, and she seems like she’d be more eager to please. I dislike this about her. I’d rather he picked Farah, because I think she’d make for a very entertaining date. There’s something irreverent about her.

Now, finally time for the actual dates. How’d we do?

Well, Omar’s an asshole. He picks up his date (who’s standing forlornly on an empty street in some neighborhood) in his trash hauling truck. She’s dressed to the nines, and he’s….wearing his work uniform. Classy. Rachel tells us how she got a manicure that day, did her hair…she’s pissed to have gone to the trouble only to be picking up trash.

Well, he tosses her a gigantic t-shirt and helps her stumble up into the cab of the truck. Poor, poor girl. She is just barely hanging in there, and Omar thinks she’s reacting really well to the curveball. Again, poor, poor girl.

Meanwhile, Nick picks up Dakota in his cherry red Bentley convertible. He looks adorable and greets her with a warm hug. A gigantic work uniform is nowhere to be seen. Their date is a driving tour of LA. Hey, that sounds like fun! He even has a single red rose for Dakota. Aww.

Omar and Rachel arrive at their job site date. It’s a garage full of leftover appliances and cabinets from a renovation project. So, like, heavy lifting. For a girl in a cocktail dress and heels (and a large t-shirt). Omar is such an asshole. He is such a gentleman, though, giving her enormous white socks and work boots to wear. Rachel interviews to let us know that the date definitely sucks. Omar, after spitting carpet dust out of his mouth, agrees.

Dakota’s having a blast with Nick, giving him the tour of LA. They drive past the Chinese Theater, and then they try to take an iPhone shot of the two of them with the Hollywood sign in the background. Aww, that’s adorable. Then they head up into the hills and sit down for a chat. At first, they’re pretty chaste, hands in their own laps. Then he puts his hand on her leg, and she takes his arm. Nick reports that the romance was flowing.

Back to Asshole and Rachel. They’re out of breath, sweeping up the garage. THIS POOR GIRL. I can’t stand it. Omar tries to redeem himself by taking her out for beers at the closest bar, for Dollar Taco night and Bud bombers. I mean, he reserved a dining room at some italian place in Beverly Hills. Rachel grits her teeth and agrees to go. I guess if you’ve already withstood the indignity of hauling trash on your first date, you might as well get fed for it.

Omar valet-parks the trash truck. Seriously, you can switch out to a normal car, you bozo?

Rachel tells us she sees Omar as a guy friend. A crappy guy friend who doesn’t trust you and treats you like shit. Exactly. Rachel keeps making subtle digs about the trash date, talking about sweating and having worked up a good appetite, etc. I love it. Omar has a huge bouquet for her on the table, and she just kinda smells ‘em and grits her teeth. “Yes, you took it from trashy to classy. Thanks.” Omar keeps trying to salvage himself by saying breaking a sweat was a good thing, that hauling trash together is a good icebreaker. I hate him.

Next, Omar talks about tough economic times, the business going south, and his partner having to pitch in and haul trash herself sometimes. Rachel has just about had it and is like, “Seriously?” Next, he tells Rachel about Patti’s idea to take a hot air balloon ride. Rachel’s face lights up and she nods to herself about how good Patti is. Omar seems skeptical that she would have wanted to do that. Christ, dude, you have no game and your boner will be ALONE tonight. (Also, speaking of hot air balloons, go rent Enduring Love. Freaky movie about a hot air balloon accident. I still think about it, weeks later.)

And back to Nick, who’s popping the cork on a bottle of champagne and generally showing Dakota a really great time. They’re at dinner, talking about how much they travel for work, and Nick’s impressed. He can picture himself with her, and he leans in for the kiss. Aww. It’s sweet, until they go back and suck face a little more. Keep it classy!

Follow-up with Patti! She calls Dakota first, who reports that she had a great time. Nick’s up next, and he concurs. Great night out. Dakota and Nick are texting and will try to keep the momentum going, though they live on opposite coasts and travel a lot for work. Patti’s impressed with how Nick came around and emerged the victor.

Omar, on the other hand…is a tool. He meets Patti for a spanking, and she delivers. She’s pissed. Rachel told her that Omar put her on the spot, that it was smelly and sweaty and dirty. Omar, rightfully, hangs his head in shame and agrees that Patti was right, the junk date wasn’t such a good idea. She calls Rachel so Omar can apologize.

Here’s the part of the show I love–the captions that tell us the eventual outcome of these matches. Dakota and Nick? Totally going strong. I actually say “awww” out loud when I read that. That’s cool. And is anyone surprised to learn that Rachel decided not to see Omar again? No?

Ooh, we get the “This season!” preview! Well, there’s a heavily tattooed man whipping off his pants during a strip tease, a gay hot air balloon ride date, and helicopter rides. Lots of kisses with tongue, a tranny, and Patti kicking out clients who fight with her. Oh, and that witchy faced Shauna is back. Looks like Patti still hates her! It’s the usual hubbub, and I can’t wait to watch and share it all with you! Hooray!

And next week’s episode is about a nerd with small hands (and presumably a small wang). Join me next week!