Millionaire Matchmaker: Angry Hobbits and Free Willy

Last week on Millionaire Matchmaker, we met two business dorks who were very interested in finding love advertising their business. We also learned that Patti’s now engaged to her beloved Andy, and wedding planning is in the works. So what’s in store for us this week? A shrill little boy with teensy hands who wants a real live girlfriend. Maybe some other guy, too! (Since there are always two.) Let’s go!We open this week with Patti attending a workshop or debate or something with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. She looks pretty awesome in a cute fitted suit and white shirt–why doesn’t she go with this look more often? Seriously, the proportions really help her out, instead of her showing off her cootchie every week.

Anyway, as she says, Rabbi’s ‘bringin’ marriage back.’ He opens with the argument that marrying for money is the lowest common denominator. Patti rolls her eyes. She brags that she bought her man a $10,000 watch as his engagement present. Rabbi Shmuley is impressed that she’s engaged, which almost comes off as an insult. (Anyone else think so?) Patti’s trying to defend the Millionaire’s Club business, but…I don’t see this argument getting won anytime soon.

Back at the office, it quickly becomes apparent that Patti’s debate with the good Rabbi wasn’t out of altruistic discussion of love and money. No, it was a sideshow meant for Patti to drum up some business. Curler-bang Rachel tells Patti that her email is blowing up with Jewish women who want IN to the “money = happiness” equation.

Good thing we have two good Jewish boys to hook up this week! Let’s meet ‘em!

Chelsea tells us about the first one, Justin. He’s a child actor who was on the show Picket Fences which I never watched because it was on Friday nights and I had a life back then. Patti, sitting her cooze upon the glass table in a short skirt, (s)natch, cringes when she hears that he’s only 5’6″.

Destin’s millionaire is a PR dude, Tyler. He’s got a crooked smile, a bad half-grown beard, and Fall Out Boy hair. But overall, he’s cute. Patti’s already upset about him being too Renaissance-y. (As in, he loves to cook, play music, and paint.) Patti wants him to “get his penis out of his crotch” and “get some balls, get some balls, get some balls.”

Now we get to watch Justin’s video. He’s a big dork with weak shoulders and teensy hands. Patti is particularly dubious of the small hands. Justin rattles off all the awards he’s won from being on Picket Fences, and I’m pretty sure that THE SHOW won those awards, not Justin Nerdy. He also lists off cities he’s been to, restaurants he’s eaten at, and cars he owns. BORING. Patti worries that he’s jaded and spoiled.

By the way, I just checked his IMDB page, and it’s not impressive. Tons of voice work, and I know that can be lucrative, but no huge breaks. I smile a little when I see that he was on one (1) episode of Carmen Sandiego, until I realize it was “Where on EARTH…” instead of “Where in the World…?”. Lame facsimile. Boo.

As Patti squeegees herself off the glass desk, she tells Destin and Chelsea how they’re going to chop egomaniac Justin down a little and get Tyler to be a little more manly. That, my friends, is our thesis statement for tonight’s show.

First, Patti goes to meet with Tyler. She calls him Free Willy, because he’s been in captivity all this time and needs to be released into the wild, to learn how to hunt and fish. She asks him if he has time to be dating right now, and he’s pretty convincing when he says, “I have time. You can make time.” He wants this. When asked who his celebrity crush is, he immediately answers Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson.

Next on Patti’s agenda is to get Tyler to shave his awful beard. He’s like, “um? no.” She fucks up the cliche when she tells him that shaving it would “take 10 years off your life.” He still says no. He’s worried about having a tan line on his cheeks if he shaves, and she suggests a non-Seacresty spray tan. I laugh out loud when they quick-cut to an interview of him elsewhere where he says adamantly, “No, I’m not going to do a spray tan.” In the end, he agrees to tone down the piano playing side and play up the aggressive side, and they’re done. Easy!

Now we get to look at stupid Justin a little more closely. He brags that his net worth is between $1M and $10M, but he won’t tell us where he falls in that range. Whatever. He’s on the phone with some agent or some crap, holding the phone with his little baby hands. Here he goes again with the namedropping. I don’t have the time to suss it all out on IMDB because I don’t really care, but I kinda doubt that he really is all that tight with Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio.

He also claims that people compare him to Tom Cruise “quite often”. Yes, if by “compare” you mean, “You know how Tom Cruise has enjoyed a moderately successful film career? Justin Whoever has not. By comparison.” In comparison to ME, Justin is a fuckin’ star!

He ends his segment with a pit-stained cheer: “I’m ready to fall in love!”

Patti’s late to her meeting with Justin. He’s pacing as he waits. I wish I knew how late she actually was. Why? Because stupid Justin starts off immediately with this passive-aggressive inquiry about what she was doing that made her late. She’s like, “Say what??” She deflects by asking him what sign he is, and somehow navigates out of it. I’d rather that if he had to ask her about it at all, he would have said, “Hey, you’re late! That sucks!” and she could have said, “oops, sorry!” and then they could move on! He wipes his brow with his teeny hand.

Patti asks him if he’s indecisive, and Mr. Logician says, “of course I am, I’m an actor.” Hang on. Patti says that actors don’t actually do anything, they don’t choose anything, they just say words that people wrote for them. Bwahaha! Anyway, his last girlfriend was an actress who CHOSE to not continue their relationship. He’d rather not date any more decisive women like that–let’s move onto other indecisive industries, please, like lawyers. He, too, would like to date Natalie Portman. Get in line! (Behind me!) (I kid! I like men!)

Now Patti attacks his style. She says he’s dumpy and wearing ill-fitting clothes. He’s prepared to defend his margarita-colored button-down with his life, because it’s from Italy. He’s also wearing dumb shoes, which Patti asks about, “Are those Ed Hardy?” Justin is offended and doesn’t want to participate in the matchmaking if he also needs to submit himself to a wardrobe do-over. Patti says she won’t do the matchmaking if he DOESN’T let her do the wardrobe makeover. They strike a deal–he can wear what he wants to the mixer, but if she doesn’t like it, she gets to make him over for his date.

It’s time to pick out some bitches for these guys to meet. Patti warns us that she’s “on her period” (by the way, what is the demographic breakdown for women who say “on” their period vs. us who say we “have” our period?) and that she hasn’t had chocolate in three weeks. She wants some fucking hotties, and you better not disappoint.

So, we get… some Jewish girl who jokes about being as skinny as if she’d just stepped out of Auschwitz. Chelsea’s reaction? “Ew!” (Mine too.) They spend a lot of time talking to this chick, but the thing is? I know she doesn’t get picked or even really talk to these two schmucks at the mixer, so I’m moving on. Sorry, weird singer chick.

Scads more women come through the thunderdome. They’re all tall today, which is a shame, because our boys are 5’6″ and 5’10″. Each one who’s picked to attend the mixer is told to wear flats. Eden, a personal chef, is given the green light because she’s a Natalie Portman type. I don’t see it, but whatever.

The next batch includes a Bette Midler sibling who’s loud and gaudy. She corrects Patti about what particular school she’s attending in Florida, as if anyone cares. Patti tells her, pretty kindly, that they’ll have her come back another time, since she’s a little older than their two guys and she seems to be on the marrying track. Mini-Bette booms that she’s NOT marriage minded. Record-scratch–then why are you here?? As she leaves, she trash-talks the Millionaire’s Club and Patti in a false-bravado way, complete with stuttering and misplaced words. Bitter much?

Another girl gets trashed for her Project Runway reject dress; another gets caught lying about her age. Nothing new. Then we meet Amy, a very young waitress at the Olive Garden. Turns out she finished her degree and just could not find a job, so she’s making ends meet at the OG. Nothin’ wrong with that. They like her for Justin, even though they suspect he’ll initially reject her for her paltry career choice.

Finally, we meet Taylor, a tall blonde bombshell of a young thing from Arizona. She just moved to town–they love that. She’s the ingenue. She’s also instructed to wear flats tomorrow, and she’s in. By the way, Patti seems to have a little lesbian interest in the blonde surfer girls, and I wonder what that’s stemming from….

Mixer time! The two guys meet first, and Justin immediately starts with trash talk. He raises his little doll hand up to his face to mock Tyler’s “five-head”. Uh, yeah. Patti comes in and thinks Tyler’s dressed perfectly (and shaven!), and Justin looks like a fat old man in his stupid suit. Chelsea, by the way, is wearing some purple glitter fest that seems to have grown like an infection on her body. I don’t get it, and I definitely don’t like it. I’d love to show you a picture of it, but Bravo got stingy with the full episodes again. Assholes.

Justin’s boozing with the ladies, asking what they do. He’s talking to lawyers and marketing execs and grad students. He complains that these aren’t the most attractive women and he expected better. Ew. Then he meets Amy, the Olive Garden server. He does seem interested, and at that moment, he’s not a jerk about her job. Eden, the personal chef, swoops in to impress. I think she succeeds.

Patti’s not impressed with Tyler’s passive stance during the mixer, so she brings Taylor, the Arizona ingenue, over. She refers to Taylor as a virgin, which gets Tyler to react a little. Oh, an LA virgin. Shhh. He’s impressed because she’s not talking. Eden swoops in again to impress, and once again, she succeeds! What is with this Eden chick?

Some ridiculous gatecrasher with a Minnie Mouse voice barges in. She’s talking to Justin about wanting to be a mermaid. At one point, she says, “Oh Em Gee.” Like she’s twelve. She sickens me, and I’m glad when she’s not successful. If she were, I’d probably have to go hang myself. Men don’t want normal girls like me anymore, they want Oh Em Gee mermaid wannabees with ridiculous voices! Luckily, this isn’t true. There’s hope for me yet.

So, who’d the two guys pick for their 10-min mini dates? Tyler picked Taylor, the LA virgin and Eden, the personal chef. Justin picked Amy, the Olive Garden server, and Eden!

Tyler’s first date is with Eden. When asked about her career as a personal chef, she jumps right into the story about her eating disorder! Awwwwkward! Tyler makes me LOL when he says, “What has two thumbs and doesn’t want to hear someone’s depressing life story within the first five seconds of conversation? THIS GUY!” Eden goes on to share that the eating disorder arrived at age 15 when her mom died, and Tyler’s just like, Yikes. He’s sympathetic to a degree, but c’mon, this is a date!

Justin meets with Amy. She’s very poised and naturally beautiful. Olive Garden or not, she is way out of his league. I don’t care how many cartoon character’s he’s blown.

Taylor meets with Tyler. Patti warns us that Taylor is very shy, but she’s hoping this brings out the aggressor in Tyler. I think it does. They seem to have a nice talk, and the 10 minutes pass quickly.

Patti meets with Tyler to assess his two mini-dates. Tyler tells her about Eden’s big eating disorder reveal. No good. So when Patti takes Eden to meet with Justin, she explicitly asks Eden to avoid the eating disorder topic. Eden nods. So when she starts off her date with Justin, she just leads off with the dead mom! Excellent work, thank you for playing! Justin’s an idiot, but he’s still a man, and men don’t like this TMI on first dates. Strike two for Eden. (Patti is standing outside the Justin/Eden date area, shaking her head the whole time. Hahahaha)

It’s no surprise when Patti tells the girls that Tyler picked Taylor and Justin picked Amy. She says to Eden, “Don’t feel like a loser!” HA! Eden hopes to land another millionaire with her scintillating therapy small talk.

Before Justin’s date with Amy, Patti brings a wardrobe stylist to his house for a fashion intervention. Remember, she said if she hated what he wore to the mixer, she’d be allowed to change him for his date. They go right to his closet and start insulting everything in it. Okay, I don’t like this douche, but I understand when he gets a little upset with this. His little tantrum that he throws, though, is purely spectacle for the cameras and I think it sucks. “Wah, you bicker. You’re rude. Who do you think you are?” Both women are like, “um, is he crazy?” Yes, ladies, he is. Eventually, they reroute him so that they can get him to try on what the stylist brought over for him. He doesn’t like it, but he submits. By the way, Patti calls him the “angry hobbit” at this point, and his nickname sticks (with her) the rest of the show. Angry hobbit! I love it.

Finally, it’s date time. Tyler and Taylor meet at a restaurant for some cooking time. Turns out Tyler’s friend is the head chef, so they get backstage passes, if you will. (I will.) Tyler likes Taylor’s laugh and thinks she’s a good partner for the chopping of veggies. The chef tells us that food has a lot to do with sensuality, that it’s like making love. Wow, that is an entirely new perspective on cooking and sexual relations, I am in awe of your mastery of the human condition!

Meanwhile, Justin is waiting for Amy on a boat. He and his sweaty pits start cheering her name as she approaches. You can tell she’s like, “oh shit, what am I getting myself into?” She is literally gritting her teeth.

She gets him talking by asking about Picket Fences, but it turns out that she has no idea what it was. (I think she’s too young.) He’s all, “it’s cool, it’s cool.” But then he goes on to rattle off the awards the show won, its critical acclaim, “it’s a great show.” But, ya know, it’s no big deal that Amy had no fucking clue how awesome it was. He continues to namedrop, and Amy is uncomfortable. I think it’s generally uncomfortable when people do that for show, period, and especially in the context of dating. If you’re too impressed, he might think you’re a gold digger. If you’re not impressed enough, then you’re cutting him down a bit. Best thing is to not date a blowhard at all, and then that whole situation is avoided!

Next, Justin classes up the date by joking about her job at the Olive Garden. You can plainly see that she looks annoyed. And he keeps going. Why’s he single, again?

Back to Tyler and Taylor. They talk about the weather. Shrug. They talk about music–Taylor’s into country. Tyler isn’t. He gets up and walks away immediately. Just kidding! He makes fun of country music for a second, and Taylor giggles. She isn’t the brightest conversationalist. In fact, later, they giggle at each other for at least a full minute about nothing. I’m cringing as I watch. Then they do an awkward first kiss.

Justin just made a Chris Brown/Rihanna joke to Amy! It went over as well as you’d expect! Justin asks Amy if she’s glad he picked her, and she gives a pretty wishy-washy answer. Justin, to his credit, hears the “ick” in her voice. But he seems to think it’s going well, overall, and that Amy’s great. Good luck with that.

So, in the aftermath, Patti checks in with everyone. Taylor had a great time, and so did Tyler. They’ve been talking every day and have another date on the books the next night. Awww. I hope they do more than giggle this time.

Then Patti calls Amy. She is clearly actively disinterested in seeing Justin again. Amy brings up how he mocked her job, and Patti’s annoyed. Then Justin comes in to the office, booming and buffooning, to meet with Patti. The staff makes passive-aggressive comments about how loud and annoying he is, which makes me laugh. Justin reports that the date was fun, that Amy is awesome. Patti then zings him about his jokes about her job. He nods. Probably not a good idea, buddy.

So, Closed Captioning Update, what happened? Well, Amy refused to see Justin again. Shocker! And Taylor/Tyler are officially boyfriend/girlfriend now. Cute! (Though I’m actively suppressing the urge to think that Taylor really nailed it with this guy, bagging the rich dude two months into her stint in LA. Her friends back home must be JEALOUS!) I really hope we get an update at the end of the season to tell us how everyone’s doing. Maybe I’ll even engage in a little Facebook stalkery to help y’all out in the meantime.

Next week, it’s evil Shauna! She’s just as nasty and ugly as ever, and she stomps away from her date as he holds the car door open for her–apparently, he’s old and that is a heinous sin! I can’t wait to cackle about how bad she sucks. Next week!