“Hello? Yes, I’m still a tool. Thank you for calling.”
Hi all my friends, companions, and lovers! I mean, lovers of TV and friends of TVGasm, of course! Are you ready to pick apart this week’s Millionaire Matchmaker? The final episode of the season? Except for the LIVE reunion show this Tuesday? You are?! I can’t hear you…. Ah, that’s better. Let’s go!Before we get to making those matches, we have to check in with Patti and Lump as they discuss the wedding planning. Hold up. That’s not Lump. Nope, that’s Patti’s “world famous celebrity astrologer,” Terry. Apparently, Patti’s treating the office to a bunch of bullshit. Terry starts off by announcing that Patti’s a Gemini, and “as we get closer to 2012, the planets are doing some very strange things.” Yes, I know, all these earthquakes and volcanoes and whatever-the-fuck. Oh, wait, she was talking about the planet flooding and Jake Gyllenhaal being stuck in the NYC library as the world freezes. Oh wait, that was The Day After Tomorrow. I haven’t seen 2012 yet–can anyone tell me how it ends?
Anyway, being serious a moment, as serious as we can be about a psychic reading, Terry warns Patti about her wedding being interrupted. Something about a full moon entering Pisces? She’s thinking that either Patti or Andy will have second thoughts. Patti laughs in her shock at first, but then she’s like, “Bitch, please.” In the end, her advisory to us is not believe in everything a psychic tells you, to live each day like it was your last, and to appreciate the time that Patti and Andy have together. I DO live every day like it’s my last, and, come to think of it, I DO appreciate the time that Patti and Andy have together. (Hey, that’s how she phrased it! I love word humor.)
“Yes, I talked about moons. Rachel, stop giggling. And put that away.”
Back to business. Everyone is perched in their perfect spot. Chelsea tells us a little about her bachelor, a 47-yr-old named Greg. He lives in Manhattan Beach and participates in a lot of outdoor activities–surfing, skiing, etc. As the show wears on, you see more and more of the toll the sun has taken on his skin. But in his intro DVD, I get a little…warm. He’s really attractive. Rugged, nice eyes, and in shape.
Greg says he wants someone dark complected, but then he announces his celebrity crush as Reese Witherspoon. She’s as blonde as can be. He’s also looking for someone petite–SexyPanda would apparently be too tall for him. Patti tells us that he looks exhausted, from all the skirt-chasin’ he’s been doing. She wants to give him Botox. And I think he just needs a chemical peel or something to take away the sun damage. Finally, he admits to having some issues with commitment. He’s been engaged–twice–but never went through with it. Can’t find someone great enough to really want to settle down for. And here we go, the beginning rumblings of my comment from my pre-cap a few days ago. He is the disillusioned combination of every Match.com guy I’ve ever gone out with. Hey Greg, pretty soon, you’re going to run out of women, and the “perfect” one will be but a dream.
BTW, Patti’s slow lip-lick and heavy stare really gets to me. I’m glad we’re almost finished with it.
Time for Destin to share his bachelor. Chelsea obviously knows what’s going on as she asked in a chipper, leading way, “Do you have a NEW client, Destin?” Destin is flummoxed at first, bitching about how the rest of the team bitches about all the new peeps they drag in every week. Before he can sputter out enough words to present a clear argument, he just lays it out there: He’s bringing Zagros back. I kinda remember him from last season, the oily bohunk who slept with his date on the master date. Apparently, it wasn’t good (as in ‘painful’?), and Patti kicked him out of the club for breaking her rule. Destin insists that he’s a changed man. Not eyelid-torn-from-his-face changed, like Jimmy D, but…changed.
Zagros arrives to meet with Patti, to smooth things over and get crackin’ on his latest foray into the Patti circus of dating. Before we get to see their meeting, we see his extended intro. He says he’s 31, but I don’t believe it. He lives in Dallas and he drinks smoothies. He speaks realllllllly slooooooowly and tells us he’s no longer interested in Victoria’s Secret models, that he wants to find true love. Well, honey, I think you can find love in a Victoria’s Secret model, but you gotta play things better to make it a love connection, not a one-off romp. (Pardon the pun!)
Back to the office, Zagros apologizes to Patti. She is just barely receptive. As he continues, explaining that he’s changed, is looking for love, etc., she cuts him off. She explains that if a millionaire continues to use her dating service as a way to get laid, she becomes a madame and Zagros? She ain’t no madame. When asked what’s changed about him, Zagros explains that he’s a vegan. “I don’t care about your eating habits,” Patti shrills. Zagros keeps telling us, slooooowly, that he wants to build a life with someone. Okay, then, DO IT.
Also, Serious Zagros ain’t a bad guy.
Patti heads out to meet Greg. First, we get his extended intro. It’s a bunch of shots of him being outdoorsy, getting so much of that sun that’s ruining his good looks. He starts to purse his lips in a few scenes like an old man–I’m reminded of Marc, the creep that Shauna ran from and Nicole sneered at. Otherwise, his extended intro is useless. He’s rich and wants to date someone. That’s it.
I bet he used to use baby oil back in the day.
Patti leads off with her idea of giving Greg Botox. He’s not enthused, but blows it off by saying he’ll think about it. Onto the matchmaking. Patti brings up that he said he wants Reese, but he also wants a dark-haired beauty. Greg concedes that he’s dated EVERYBODY by now and just wants someone nice, someone who’s ready to settle down. Patti brings up the two broken engagements, too, and alerts Greg to her worries about that. He nods solemnly as she talks.
Back at the office, Patti and crew talk to Zagros’ mom on ChatRoulette. They talk about the mismatch the last time. Remember how Zagros’ mom came to the recruitment session and hand-picked a girl for Zagros, whom he dissed when he chose some other ‘hottie-patottie’ (as Patti calls it)? Zagros’ mom insists that he’s a “trusty guy” (she means trustworthy).
Hopefully, no penises appeared while they talked to Mama Zagros.
This week’s recruitment will be a little more in-depth, as Patti’s going to choose two matches for Greg and two for Zagros. No traditional mixer for either guy today, since they’re both widely experienced with dating as it is and don’t need a pool of chicks to choose from. No, Patti needs to actually do her job and hand-pick the right ones for the guys this time.
First up is some beat-up lookin’ girl who says she’s an actress, model, and dancer. (Patti misreads “dancer” as “Parcheesi Player”. Somehow.) They ask this chick to dance, and she starts a slow grind. Ah, THAT kind of dancer. She’s a No.
Damn you, Bravo logo, for covering up the hanger loop hanging out of her armpit. Classy.
Livia’s next. She’s the one Patti browbeat into getting her ID to prove that she was lying about her age. Remember? She’s 37 and cute as a button. She seems to be a pretty clear match for Greg.
Then we get Susan, who’s another recycled date from the Gummi Bear episode. Remember the nurse who made the joke about the mouse eating her pussy? Oh wait, got that backwards. And because it’s making me LOL as I write up this godforsaken recap, it stays. I can’t stop laughing! Anyway, that girl, she’s back. (Also, remember Patti bringing her to Gummi, announcing, “Boobalicious for you!”?) Anyway, she’s a vegetarian who likes yoga, so she’s a good fit for Zagros. Plus, she’s slutty! Patti keeps telling us she’s a good girl from a good family, but I keep going back to the pussy joke.
Yeah, you remember.
A makeup artist, fresh off the plane from Jersey (whose name is Jenna Jameson), is tickling Destin’s matchmaking bone, as a choice for Zagros. Chelsea and Patti disagree. They argue in front of the poor girl, and she nods sheepishly.
Some poor blonde with extensions and a Snooki/Russian Bride bump is asked to take down her hair, and since she JUST got it done, she says no. Patti really wants her to ditch the Bump-It, but she still refuses.
Then we meet Mojo. She’s a writer/spokesmodel with the exact haircut I wish my stylist had given me when I got my hair chopped recently. I took many inches off and wanted a razored, layered collarbone length cut but I got some fucked-up bob instead. I hate my hair right now. But Mojo’s got it, so I am happy for her. The team is thinking of matching her for Greg, but Destin really think she’d be better with Zagros.
Feeling sad that I don’t have the hair; feeling glad that I don’t have the face.
Next, the team uses the corkboard and pushpins to settle out who’s meeting whom. Chelsea’s a little nicer with the pushpins and the headshots. Destin’s known to stab people right in the forehead, if you remember. Destin’s also got his pissypants on today. Patti calls it his menopause, his PMS. She flicks the back of his mohawk, and he really does seem like a toddler in need of a nap. He doesn’t like Susan (pussy joke) for Zagros because “she’s too fat”. (Chelsea says, “She’s not fat, she has big boobs.”) He wants Mojo for Zagros, but Chelsea and Patti insist on her going to Greg.
Okay, time for the mini-mixer. Patti explains the rules of this mini-mixer. Each guy will meet and mingle with the two ladies chosen especially for him. Then he’ll choose one for a 45-minute mini-date. If he chooses, he can ask her on the master date. Or, if he decides that the 45-minute date wasn’t awesome, he can ask the other girl to go on the master date. Patti makes sure Zagros knows that she chose to do things this way for him because of his wayward weiner. And since Greg’s a commitmentphobe, she didn’t want him mingling too hard.
Okay, let’s do this. Patti introduces the millionaires to the women, and they’re off. I’ll spare you the nitty-gritties of their mingling. Basically, Susan and the other girl, Lacey, cooperate pretty well in talking with Zagros in turn. Zagros does stupid babyish/flirtatious mannerisms. Greg’s picks, on the other hand, are ultra-competitive when talking to Greg. Livia is like that asshole on Jeopardy who rings in before he actually has the answer in his head, just so he can have the first crack at answering the question (and then can’t answer in time). She talks over Mojo, and Greg doesn’t do a great job of trying to keep Mojo included in the conversation. Livia’s adorable, but I hate her a little bit right now.
Time for those 45-minute dates. Greg chose Livia, of course. Zagros chose PussyMouseBoobs, Susan. Note, too, that both men did the annoying “oh, this was SUCH a hard choice to make” bullshit move. The women who didn’t get picked knew it was comin’ and saw right through that, gents.
Greg and Livia sit at a bar and have some snacks. She giggles a lot, and he isn’t great with keeping the conversation moving. Also, and I’ve noticed this a few times now with him, he’s lacking a verbal filter. He blurts out whatever he wants and then has to figure out a way out of the shitstorm he just got himself into. For instance, he calls Livia a spinner. What’s that, you ask? It’s okay, I asked. I asked Google! Google directed me to Urban Dictionary, who told me 57 times or so that a spinner is a woman so petite that she can sit on your dick and spin around on it. Nevermind feet flying in your face, she can spin! Anyway, Greg asks Livia if anyone’s ever called her that. Either she doesn’t know what it is, or she does and she’s sassing him, but she makes a face and says, “Um, not to my face?” She doesn’t stop smiling, though, so I think she doesn’t know what it means. (Well, later, she tells us that she wasn’t sure if she should be flattered or offended. Be offended, honey.)
Zagros decides to do funny impersonations and impressions for Susan, offering that they could banter back and forth in impersonations for the whole date. She doesn’t get his first set of impressions, which all sound like the same raspy Yogi Bear impression. Finally, Susan corrects his Scarface impression with a better one of her own. Good girl. Then Zagros says, in another funny voice, that she’s very pretty, then asks to touch her eye. She retreats, but then offers that he could LICK her eye. (Has anyone ever done it to you? Someone has to me–it’s freaky.) Patti and Destin appear to be standing three feet away from this date, overhearing it all with disdain. I find their presence during the date to be a little creepy.
Patti comes in to break up the dates. Greg waffles when Patti asks him to choose a girl for the master date. Obviously, he wasn’t feeling it with the Spinner. Patti asks why he didn’t choose Mojo in the first place, and he stammers to explain that she was too tall. He makes a joke that I’ve made often, being a pretty tall chick, about feeling like a mama bird feeding her babies when I lean DOWN to kiss a guy. I don’t like it. Anyway, Greg really seems to have a hard time deciding; Zagros picks his without hesitation.
Who’d they pick? Zagros will continue on with Susan. Greg, despite a lack of chemistry, will keep seeing Livia. Whatever.
Oh, but the next day, Greg stops by the office. Why? To change his date choice! Whoa! Patti’s pissy about it, but she’ll allow it, as long as Greg calls Livia right now to tell her why he’s cancelling. And she reminds him that Mojo has the right to turn him down when he asks for her second-choice date. Greg rubs his sun damage with worry but makes the calls. For having $8M or $9M net worth, Greg sure sucks at speaking. His apology is the opposite of smooth. Livia’s gracious about it and ends the call by saying to Patti (on speakerphone), “Yeah, he’s the total opposite of my type in every way, thanks!” HA! Now Greg has to ask out Mojo. She says that she’s angry that he didn’t choose her first, but she’ll let him make it up to her by taking her skiing. Done.
In the “We’re back! No, we’re not!” segment this week, Patti brings in the Botox doc for Greg. Greg refuses, saying he wants to look his age. Fine, look old. Patti gives the shot to Chelsea instead. Does she even need it? I didn’t think so either.
Mojo meets Greg at the airport for their date, wearing a cute little vest and carrying the dark brown version of a Guess purse I own and enjoy. I paid full price at Macy’s, but I’m guessing Mojo got it half-price at DSW. Don’t ask me why I think I know that. And yes, I wish I’d gotten it for half-price at DSW, too. Mojo kills me a little when she asks us rhetorically, “What girl doesn’t want to get sweeped off her feet…?” Swept, honey. Swept.
In the private jet, Mojo gives Greg shit for not picking her first. He really lacks a way with words and stammers out something about having too many cocktails or something. His sun damage is OUT OF CONTROL in this lighting. Mojo is busting out her best hair flips to flirt.
Might I recommend Garnier Nutrisse Anti-Sun Damage daily moisturizer with SPF 28? I use it, and it’s lovely.
When they get to Mammoth Lakes, or wherever the hell they went, Greg interviews with us about how much he loves skiing. He’s wearing the most unfashionable sweater ever–something I haven’t seen since Sondra told Elvin she was having twins.
“You take the Jello pudding and you…” oh man, I’m as bad at impressions as Zagros.
Anyway, they ski. Rather, Greg skiis and Mojo pussyfoots and shrieks her way down the mountain. She’s not much of a skiier and is in the way of the people who are. Greg gets more annoyed by the minute, wishing Patti had listened when he specifically requested a woman who skiis. Dude, THIS is a dealbreaker? Really? He lets her fall and watches from afar, then skiis off. What a douche. It’s just not fun for anyone, especially us. (To be fair, her babytalk during the ski date sucks, too.)
Now they’re at the lodge, having filter-less conversations about Greg’s broken engagements and Mojo’s age. You heard me–he asked how she was, then guessed her to be three years older than she (says she) is. Right. Good work. Then they talk about her height, and she says there’s nothing like a shorter guy with a lot of confidence. (True.) Greg butters Mojo up with compliments about her beauty and smile, to gloss over him thinking she was old and too tall and second-choice. And that’s his hallmark trait, I think. Saying the wrong thing, forgetting the verbal filter, then “fixing” it by being overly complimentary. It’s all bullshit and this old dog needs to learn some new tricks. Anyway, time to head back to LA, but first some chaste kisses and mojo jokes! Ah, Greg.
Susan meets Zagros at a boxing gym for the first part of their date. They meet with the original Encino Man, some chubbed out caricature who is supposedly Tyra Banks’ boxing instructor. Look at the barrel chest and gut on him! And the lack of any discernable muscle tone in his arms! He looks like the lost Baldwin brother. Encino Man starts them off with a little jump rope. Susan, knowing she was doing a workout-esque date, didn’t wear an appropriate top or bra. The men really enjoy watching her jump rope. Then they practice some jabbing. Jabbing turns to sexual innuendo, which turns into smooching. I cringe, and the boxing instructor watches with an amused/annoyed face. (Dude, LOOK AWAY at least.)
Time to eat! Zagros had Susan come to a suite where he had a private chef cooking a fancy vegan meal for them. After kissing her again, he tells the chef that Susan’s kisses are too sweet, that nothing the chef will prepare will taste as good as she does. Oops, sorry, did I get you with that projectile barf? Anyway, they eat and talk about her moving to Dallas, then head out to the balcony to watch the sunset. There, they played a rousing game of Gin Rummy. Oh, who am I kidding, they made out! Zagros admits that it was tough to keep his weiner in his pants, but he promised Patti. And that’s the end of their date.
Following up! Patti calls Susan, who had a great time. She tells the crew how she and Zagros made out, then (answering Patti’s question) says she doesn’t sleep on the first date. Well, that’s good–men don’t usually like a girl who SLEEPS on the first date. Ah, I know what you were saying, Susan, I’m just teasin’! Zagros comes to the office to report that he also had a great time. He brings champagne for the crew, and they toast to Zagros not being a hornball this time around.
As for Greg, I was expecting Mojo to say, “Eh, he was a dick on the slopes, and while I had a good enough time, I don’t want to see him again.” But no, she apparently had a great time! And they’ve already gone out a few more times! What?! I guess this is why you’re supposed to give it more than one date before you make a firm decision about chemistry with someone? Greg comes to the office and talks about Mojo’s lack of prowess on the slopes. Patti reminds him that guys who teach girls how to ski get blowjobs. Greg blinks, then admits that he has taught many women how to ski, so yeah, he knows this. SLAM! Greg gets regular hummers! (Oh god, is Destin wearing a gangsta do-rag? He is.) Then Patti asks for specifics about their kisses on the date, asking if the kissing gave him wood. He said it didn’t, and Patti thought that meant he was defective. Um, no, he’s not 17, Patti, it takes a little more than a kiss for him to get hard. Jeez.
Like me on the band bus in 10th grade, Patti’s checking for wood.
The captions tell all, and tonight, they tell us that Greg and Mojo are still dating. Cool. Next, the captions tell us that Zagros and Susan are in a monogamous relationship. Oh, so they’re fucking? Excellent. Actually, she’s considering moving to Dallas. Good for them!
Instead of a preview of next week’s episode, we get a montage of all the highlights of this past season, from the bicurious woman to Ayinde to Shauna and that douche Will with the extra woman on his date. Oh YAY! Then Lump is back, in flashback of her first appearance on Millionaire Matchmaker, in her lumpy glory! Oh yeah, remember that Patti’s getting married soon, too! Ah, l’amour.
Next week is the LIVE reunion show. I have no idea what to expect, so why don’t we all watch it, then come back later in the week to talk about it? Yeah? See you then! Smooches!
(As a treat for the finale, I will review all my favorite photos from this season. It’s a SexyPanda montage!)
Thug baller mouth from episode 1
Justin Baby-hands from episode 2
Making fun of Shauna in episode 3
A tie for episode 4!
Ah, Gummi Bear in episode 5
Three Holes Granny! Episode 6
Still stupid, still hetero, episode 7
Gay Clay, episode 8
Ayinde, on the most genuinely fun date ever, episode 9 (Call me!)
Some strange girl who didn’t make it to the mixer, episode 10
Duh! Episode 11