Millionaire Matchmaker– Cougars and…Michael.

What do you do when some crazy Botoxed cougar with a needle nose and death stare who’s previously been a big ol’ bitch to you comes back and supposedly wants a second chance? If you’re Patti Stanger, you bitch up and down to anyone who will listen, give Botoxed bitch a thinly veiled sneer, do your best to hook a crazy up, and then kick her out of your “club” when you’ve lost all patience. Sounds about right! Also, a really cute rich boy needs help meeting women. AS IF. Hi, Millionaire Matchmaker!We open with Patti and the other office nerds cooing over a former client’s fiancees engagement ring. It’s pretty and square-cut and classy. Patti shows off her Kohls Early Bird Special heart-shaped diamond. Everyone is happy. Patti especially likes having other engaged people to coo to about things.

So, this week’s fun. The office lackeys are sitting around, shooting the shit. Patti’s on her glass-table coochie perch, going on about how she likes working one on one with her clients to coach them to dating success. Destin, with a sheepish (or malicious?) grin asks Patti leading questions about cold-hearted, very angry women, eventually revealing that he’s bringing Shauna back for Round 2.

Patti is horrified; Chelsea is amused. Flashback to last season’s interaction where Shauna is very demeaning and Patti is a defensive bully. It’s great. I also like seeing the clips from last year, because…um, Shauna is not aging well.

Patti puts her fingers to her brows to arch them up comically while talking like a big old bitch. It’s not a very good impression of Shauna, mostly because Shauna doesn’t have the haughty British accent that Patti is using, but still hilarious. Anyway, Destin defends his decision (say that five times fast) by saying that Shauna needs their help, and money is money. Patti wants Shauna to actually work on herself this time around, or else the whole process is bullshit. Well, we all know it’s bullshit anyway, but at least it’s somewhat entertaining TV!

Now we get to meet Shauna. Shauna Raisch. I Googled her. Her two main domains’ accounts are suspended. Another blog posted a clip of her being a bitch on Split Ends. The video’s been disabled, but the comments are still there. I can’t stop giggling about the comments. It’s a back-and-forth between Shauna haters and Shauna supporters. Go read! (http://seriouslyomg.com/?p=8220) Anyway, Shauna tells us about how she’d been dating someone the past year, but he was young and broke and she paid for everything. Apparently, dating a young hottie = playing mommy. Ew.

Also, Shauna needs to have plastic surgery on her neck. As in, to jack her head back up on top of it so that big Botoxed mess isn’t sitting directly on her shoulders.

Shauna arrives to meet with Patti. I definitely understand why Patti is so guarded and cold to Shauna, but I also think she needs to buck up and try a little harder to contain her irritation. Shauna IS a paying client, and this time around, she says she wants to make changes and do things Patti’s way. Patti is too stubborn to hear this at first, though, and they bicker over their conversational skills for a moment before that gets worked out. This is the personality clash of the century.

Also, Shauna has a really quick cutting defense mechanism where she twists people’s words to choke them and stop them cold, even if her train of thought isn’t totally on track. I can’t quite verbalize what I mean, but hopefully those who’ve watched kinda get what I’m saying. More than a few times, Shauna would have an irrational response to something Patti said and it jammed the whole situation. I hate that. I’ll try to find you an example, cuz it really bugs the shit out of me.

Anyway, Patti senses an opening with Shauna, since she’s being so agreeable this time around (so far). She suggests that since Shauna needs a man with money, she needs an older man. Shauna thinks she’s 42, which is laughable, so Patti suggests men in their 50s, maybe even their 60s. Shauna ain’t playin’ that. She either wants a boy-child like Ashton Kutcher or she wants someone like Mr. Big. (Psst, Chris Noth is 56 years old!) Patti explains that LA ain’t going to drop a rich young man in her lap, and Mr. Big is kind of a pipe dream, too.

Now we get to insult everyone’s looks for a moment. This is fun. Join me! Patti mentions how everyone in LA has “Botox like you.” Shauna asks, “do they have Botox like YOU??” Patti says she’s never had Botox or lip injections–she’s afraid of needles. Ha! I don’t think I believe that, but I definitely think Patti’s doing a better job at aging than Shauna is. Since I have to keep pausing to write things, I get a lot of chances to look closely at Shauna’s face at rest, and it’s just strange. Wide eyes and startled brows, big cheek area, little mouth under a really strange nose. That nose is terrible. And I think that something got botched in there, because girlfriend sounds all stuffy and nasal all the time. LOL to Patti’s comment about Shauna’s “Hurricane Five Facelift”.

(Oh, and I really like it when Patti curls her hair a little. It’s really flattering! Do that more!)

So, how’s Patti gonna help Shauna get her shit together and find a man? First thing is to get Shauna to meet with some lady with a PhD who can help Shauna soften herself a little, make her energy a little more feminine. Since Shauna’s used to taking care of herself and the boy toys she’s been meeting lately, she’s ended up with a pretty manly energy. (Yes, despite all the makeup and jewelry and leggings.) That’s the main thing. Otherwise, Patti really wants Shauna to consider dating the older mens.

After Patti dismisses Shauna, she plops herself back on the desktop to hear about Chelsea’s client, Michael. Michael is a 30-year-old millionaire who made his money a pretty honest way–went to school for accounting, is a CPA, and worked hard within the family construction business. In his free time, he surfs and does a lot of yoga. He’s quiet, shy, and has a very nice smile. He says he has the time and the resources to meet someone special, but maybe he doesn’t have all the tools. I think he means social skills.

Patti is all over it. She thinks he’s mega-hot. Like, can’t shut up about it. (He’s pretty cute, but not movie-star hot.) She asks him about former girlfriends, to get a sense of what he likes. I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone that he likes taller, athletic girls with boobs. I think he also wants her to be smart, but really, he probably just wants the boobs.

I’m not quite sure why Patti does this, but she reminds Michael about the rules of the club, such as no sex without monogamy and a two-drink max on dates. If that was supposed to be foreshadowing, it failed. Then she warns Michael about Shauna, that a cougar is also on the prowl this week and might try to hit on him. He grimaces nervously.

When Patti gets back to the office, she announces that they’ll be doing a special recruiting session, since Michael is so shy that he’d bomb at a traditional mixer, and Shauna is a hot tranny mess. (Thank you, 2008, for the slang!) They’ll be doing a 2-way mirror/interview recruiting session instead. Also, Michael is going to be subjected to an improv lesson at a local comedy club, to draw him out of his shell. Oh Lord.

Time for Shauna’s therapy quack session! I would love to know how the entire introduction was made between Patti and the PhD in “feminizing masculine women”, because what we heard sounded pretty insulting. Like, if I were Shauna, I’d be like, “Wait, I am clearly a feminine woman, look at my pretty hair and nails and jewelry and purse!” But I think there was other stuff where Patti explained more about the masculine energy of being a female millionaire who’s dating young, poor boys. The masculinity of the cougar (and the eye of the tiger).

Therapy seems a little useless. Except that it gives me a good example of where Shauna plays mindgames with people, and for very little benefit. Here, the therapist asks her, probably rhetorically, “You’re looking for a life partner, someone to love for a lifetime?,” or something like that. Shauna pauses before answering, then says, “I guess so.” Therapist asks, “Are you not sure?” And Shauna sets off on an explanation of how that was a funny question to ask, how the answer is deceiving because why wouldn’t she be looking for long-term love, who wants to find love that doesn’t last, etc. I’ve watched this scene a few times now, and each time, I do a quick “WTF” head shake. But THAT is how she interacts with everybody all the time. No wonder she’s unpopular.

Anyway, the therapist has her put her hand on her heart and her belly and think about love. Shauna is skeptical about this. She reports that during her time of meditation, she was thinking about shoes and clothes. Helpful.

Here’s another example of Shauna being difficult in a normal conversation. Therapist asks, “What’s important to you?” I think most people could navigate this pretty easily, guarded or not, and be able to get through it in a way that works for both them and the therapist. Not our Shauna! She says, “Well, lots of things are important to me, but I’m not going to share them right now, because I’m feeling really pressured.” Bitch, just say that honesty and respect and a sense of humor are important. That’s all anyone really wants to hear anyway!

Patti ends this segment by telling us she needs to snip Shauna’s penis off to find the vagina. Complete with a swooping motion, as if she’s about to part the Red Sea.

Now we’re back at the office for the recruiting session. Patti sets Shauna in a room with a large couch and a bottle of wine, asking her to just meditate on what kind of man she’s looking for. Meanwhile, she’s planning to bring Millionaire Michael in, as a test, to see if Shauna’s cougar awakens with a sexy, Botoxed snarl.

It does. Michael comes in and Shauna’s all flirtatious, asking him to open the wine, using fairly open body language. Michael, having been warned, is a little closed off to Shauna, but he’s friendly. He asks what type of men Shauna is looking for, and her first words are “fashion-looking guys”. What the fuck is a “fashion-looking guy”? Patti’s crew is watching on a monitor and laughing at her cougar-ness. Patti, in another malapropism, wisely tells us that a cougar never changes his spots.

Time for the two-way mirror interviews! I think it’s kind of fun that Michael and Shauna get to do it together, so they can take turns making fun of people or encouraging each other to be interested in appropriate people. Mostly, Shauna makes fun of people and Michael encourages Shauna to be interested in men her own age.

Michael’s group is mostly all blonde, and while a lovely schoolteacher with a friendly but quiet personality seemed to be a good fit, a swimming intructor/business owner with a slammin’ body won the contest. Mike’s all set.

Now it’s Shauna’s turn to go shopping. The first guy they interview is hysterical–she and Michael have a field day mocking him. His name is Barry, and he’s a retired multi-millionaire. Michael thinks he looks like Santa. He seems to be a good-natured guy, but definitely not a match for Shauna. Michael jokingly tells her to pick Barry, that looking like Santa is a good look. I giggle–Michael’s definitely a cutie.

It’s always fun when the people coming in to be interviewed are pretty clearly not good fits–and they know it. Shauna gets a few of those, like the guy who says he’s a restaurant manager but is actually waiting tables. Patti susses him out as a gold digger pretty quickly. Shauna’s recruiting session also gets a few cute older guys who seem to be good fits, but she dismisses them as not having good energy. Whatever that means.

A really hunky older guy walks in–Marc, a realtor who previously dated Heidi Klum. They actually dated for nine months. Good for him! He’s casually elegant and clearly has a good body. Sure, his hair’s pretty gray, but he’s all chiseled and steely in the face. In short, Sexypanda sees no issue with Marc. Shauna’s smirking–I can’t tell if she’s interested. It kinda sounds like she’s not.

Last up for Shauna is a younger guy with a shaved chest (we know this because Patti keeps having the young ones take their shirts off, to “trap” Shauna into being shallow and ageist). Shauna is grinning, and her enormous head sinks lower into her chest as she bats her eyes at the monitor. Yes, Shauna wants this ugly Zach guy. (I think he has a lemur face.)

Michael is a total sweetheart. Shauna is definitely going to choose Lemur Face. Michael agrees that he’s cute, but asks Shauna, “Aren’t you looking for a relationship? Are you going to find that with this guy?” Awww. Shauna is literally panting with lust about this young kid. I’m officially grossed out. She tells Patti that Marc seems boring, but Patti counters by saying that Zach will quickly get bored with HER because she’s old(er). In the end, Shauna DOES choose Marc (“I’ll go out with the old guy”). To be fair, she was pretty well pushed into that choice. But for good reasons.

Improv time! This is an embarrassing segment to watch, for several reasons. Michael is so shy, so it’s hard to watch him try to loosen up. Patti is so overbearing, so it’s hard to watch her over-act during her own improv skits. I can see how doing improv would help someone be better in a regular ol’ social situation, just as Toastmasters helped me with my formal public speaking, but it’s still excruciating to watch. Anyway, this segment is the usual improv stuff with people acting silly, and Michael giggling at them.

During one skit, he and a girl are acting like they’re on a date. The girl is acting annoying, and Patti’s advice is to kiss her to shut her up. She keeps shouting “kiss her!” from the sidelines, and her voiceover tells us that when the penis goes up but a girl won’t shut up, you need to kiss the girl. Ew, I don’t like that advice! I mean, yes, kiss me when your penis goes up, but not because you want me to shut up! Anyway, Michael is too shy to kiss this chick, so Patti does it. Ick. It’s too aggressive, even for her.

After improv, Patti gives Michael a pre-date advertising session pep talk. Women like flowers, right? (We do. We really do.) So, Patti wants Michael to give his date flowers to get things off on the right foot. And she just happens to have a special bouquet ready for sale at 1800Flowers! How about that? (Hey, a gigantic bouquet on a first date might be a bit much. Howzabout you hit the grocery store and get a nice, understated bunch instead? Just me? What do you think, ladies?)

Time for the dates. Michael’s waiting on a pier for Natasha, his hottie swim instructor date. He’s got Patti’s bouquet for her, which is sweet. They seem to be off to a good start.

First up is some kayaking along a marina or canal or something. Natasha is asking Michael a lot of questions because he’s so shy, and he says, “You ask a lot of questions!” Well, if you’re not talking, buddy, what else is she supposed to do? It’s a first date! They race their kayaks in a flirty wager, with the loser having to reveal something embarrassing about themselves. Natasha loses and tells Michael that she rarely gets nervous, but when she walked up to meet him, she was nervous. Um, that’s not embarrassing. That’s normal. These LA freakshows, I swear.

Here we go, it’s Shauna time. She has an assistant preparing her for her date, like any good witchy diva would. I think she looks better/younger without the stupid 80′s feathered waves framing her face, but her overdone brows are horrid. Of course she has a Chihuahua, too. Of course.

Their styling session is interrupted when a package arrives at the hotel door. It’s a white box with a red bow and a note that reads, “I’m taking care of everything. Marc.” Shauna opens the box to find a huge, long red dress that looks a little like lingerie. It’s clearly too big for her, since she’s shrimpy. And I’m not really feelin’ the “send a dress to your date” vibe either, unless you’ve been together for a while and want to make things mega-special or mega-spicy one night.

So Marc pulls up in a limo and waits for Shauna, who arrives for their date in a sleeveless tunic and leggings. (Marc’s in a suit.) He grins warmly, and she grimaces tightly.

She shakes his hand, says she’s happy to meet him, agrees that “sure, Spago sounds good,” then excuses herself…to run away. She stumbles and drops a shoe, even, which makes me laugh out loud.

(By the way, I cringe a little when Marc calls it “Spago’s”. Anyone else? It’s Spago. Not plural, and not possessive. I wonder if that’s why Shauna ran away!)

Now Shauna’s running through the lobby of this swanky hotel, sprinting for the elevator, anything to get away from Marc. Marc, meanwhile, waits for her outside, calling her Cinderella as he picks up her Laboutin shoe from the sidewalk. He clearly has no idea what’s going on. “I can’t go out with that guy! I WILL NOT! I can’t even look at him! That guy is older than my grandpa!” She shrieks about losing her shoe, so her assistant comes out to Marc to grab it back.

Marc is smiling, probably embarrassed, as all of this is going on. Shauna continues to shout in her full voice as she runs through the hotel, “How could she set me up to look like an idiot? [Um, you're doing just fine at that all by yourself, sweetie!] That guy looks a hundred!!!” Wow, she really is a bitch.

Back to Michael and Natasha. They arrive at a restaurant for dinner. Natasha starts up with the questions again and Michael passive-aggressively shuts her down again. Ouch. So he asks her to share one thing about herself that she wants him to know. Well, guess what? She likes to freestyle rap.

I’m not kidding.

I’m sure some guys would think this is adorable, especially because it’s a little unexpected because she’s all blonde surfer girl, but Michael’s not impressed. He kinda pushes a hair back from his brow and says, “That’s interesting.” Uh oh. Natasha giggles really flirtatiously, overly loud. Now that drinks are in front of them, he asks her to rap. She asks him to give her a topic (“kayaking”) and for him to drop a beat. He doesn’t. Like, not at all. I’d be more than embarrassed at that point and would stop, but nope, Natasha keeps going! Ready?

“Bring it back, yo
Bring it back, kayak, yo
He’s bringin’ it back on the ocean
Goin’ outside and making some motion…”

There’s a lot more to it, but I’m a busy girl, can’t get it all down here for you. Anyway, Michael is a little freaked out and thinks Natasha’s coming on too strong for him. Aww. He ends their dinner by thanking her for coming out and kissing her on the cheek.

More rapping!

“You want me to freestyle about this date
well I got a little more to say than what you can relate
because truth is, if there was one thing I would tweak
is next time, he better not kiss me on the cheek.”

Maybe Michael should have gone out with the schoolteacher.

Back to Shauna. She tells us that Marc’s energy was so bad, she couldn’t get in the car with him, no matter how hard she tried. Now, I’ve been on some bad dates with some gross guys, but as an adult woman, I am capable of being polite and going through the motions on a date so that no one is embarrassed. Chemistry is chemistry, it’s no one’s fault. Way to make a guy feel bad about it, though, Shauna.

Shauna calls Patti to explain what happened. It quickly devolves into a shouting match and battle of wits. (No one wins.) It ends when Patti tells Shauna to cut off her penis and Shauna hangs up. Lovely.

And now we get to see Marc sitting alone at Spago. Why? I don’t think we needed to highlight Shauna’s rudeness any further, and I don’t think Marc needed any more of the sympathy edit. Was Bravo contractually obligated to go through with the dinner? I mean, they clearly reserved a back room for the date, so maybe they didn’t want to waste the money. Oh, Marc. (Call me.)

Following up with our millionaires, Patti calls Natasha. So far, Michael hasn’t called. Michael comes in to meet with Patti and shares that he thought Natasha was too forward, that she scared him.

Now Shauna comes in to meet with Patti. We all know this won’t be good. Patti tries to be professional and find another match for Shauna, since she’s still a client looking for love. She says she has a top celebrity chef from NYC for Shauna, and Shauna asks to see a picture. This sets Patti off, who stomps away, shouting about how Shauna is wasting their time. “You either want to date, or you want to stay dry for the lifetime.” (“The lifetime.” HA!) Shauna has had it, too, and she takes off her mic pack and walks out without a word. To be fair, I think she has every right to want to see a photo. But to be even more fair, I do think Patti probably has a matchmaking gift that isn’t coming across well on television, and Shauna should trust the matchmaker a little more. But that’s boring TV!

I feel bad, but laugh, when Patti says, “This bitch doesn’t deserve love, she deserves to be single for the rest of her life.” Ouch.

To ice the fail-cake that was this week’s matchmaking, I leave you with this. I signed into my bank’s website today to start paying some bills. I’d been wondering why Marc looked so dang familiar. Could it really be the same guy?!

Next week, we have a flubby-faced British guy who seems to get angry a lot, and an older gay gentleman. Phew, I need to shake it up after all these heterosexuals and cougars. Meet me next week!

P.S. The longer I wait to recap, the better the chance that I get Bravo’s full episodes available online for funny pictures! Is it worth the wait? You tell me!